notmrskennedy

[notmrskennedy]

hey hey hey

Assigning you a song that makes white people go nuts (from experience)

#i got Africa by Toto #ironically i really do like that song

[notmrskennedy]

“If The X-Files was a 90s anime.”

credit: MabooCraboo on imgur

[notmrskennedy]

idk if anyone else sees this a lot on tiktok but there’s a whole debate like “women say it’s better to be trapped in the woods with a bear than a man” and men are like “whattttttt” (like they haven’t met themselves)

but as someone who works with bears…. yeah, a bear 10000% of the time

American black bears? you can and will scare them off

polar bears/grizzlies? you’ll die but they will probably kill you quickly

brown bears? slightly less skittish than black bears but you have a decent chance!

men are WILDLY unpredictable as a category and like bears 90% of the time are far more interested in other things than large, iape-ish prey items

#claire rambles #i don’t hate men okay but i’ve seen the stats #bears? love em #also! pls carry bear spray with you if you are in bear country! #keep safe my friends!

[notmrskennedy]

fox mulder is the character of all time, he's a 6 feet tall little spoon, he's severely traumatized, his two jobs are being no.1 enemy of the state and a professional personal space invader, his ideal date is going ghost busting on christmas eve, he fought nazis in world war 2, he loves spock, he has a porn collection but hasn't been laid in 10 years. he's utterly devoted to his coworker, to whom he proposed multiple times, but waited 7 years to kiss her. He wore said coworker's cross on a date with a hot vampire lady, he punched his boss in the face, he has 2 different fathers, his best friends thought he was a serial killer. he fucked on Sir Arthur conan doyle's grave in college, he is even bisexual.

[notmrskennedy]

after our morning meeting today, following a comment about global warming—

me, offhandedly: yeah my goal is to make it to 36

area supervisor, swamps: wait but aren’t you like -really? only 36???

area supervisor, girl dad: pfft my goal was 29 and i’m almost 60. i regret not dying young.

the girl from the other side of the river: i wanna be in the 27 club!!!! it sounds cool!!!

girl dad: when i was 27, i was wrestling elk bc we didn’t have enough tranquilliser to fully down them

#zookeeper tales #zookeeer #you should get into animal care #we’re all pretty fucking strange

[notmrskennedy]

This little asshole keeps getting into a bird feeder, so we need to test how small is *too* small

3 inch opening: no problem

2.75 inch opening: Easy

2.5 inch opening: doing fine

2.25 inch opening: Bit of a struggle, but as Mr Meeseeks says: CAAAN DOO!

2 inch opening: Alright, lets try chewing the opening a bit, As long as we get the nuts into the mouth (huhuhu) we good I guess…

Uh-oh… Steve is getting greedy

:insert grunts of effort here:

Taking a break…

The guy who made the original video decided after a long struggle to help Steve out.

A New Challenger approaches!

1.75 inchs: Quote Mr Meseeks: “OOOHHH HE’S TRYING”

GIMME GIMME GIMME

He ends up giving up.

Source: Chris Notap - Squirrel ● literally ● bites off more than he can chew ! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sS4ach0CwN4

via imgur

[notmrskennedy]

quote from the eclipse:

Doesn’t [Redacted Employer] know that NASA’s live stream of the eclipse is ferret enrichment??

#zookeeper tales #zookeeer #eclipse #enrichment

[notmrskennedy]

[notmrskennedy]

update on him!!

during said shipwreck, he got caught in the hold while it was sinking and couldn’t escape so he drowned in diesel fuel and salt water

like “yeah my limbs stopped working so i couldn’t free myself but eventually i blacked out. still was thinking though. woke up on the surface.”

“how are you alive??”

“dunno. but remember to barrel roll. it’ll keep you alive next time you jump off a waterfall.”

like buddy i’m not the one jumping off waterfalls anytime soon but thanks for the advice

had a real neat conversation w my coworkers about religion where my one coworker informed me that he grew up West Virginia Pentecostal with the snakes and tongues and such like sir

you told me about crawling 18 miles in the snow w a broken knee

and the time you were shipwrecked for five days at sea

and finding TWO dead bodies in separate rivers

and NOW you grew up in snake charmer churches?????????

#zookeeper tales #chillest dude you’ve ever met #i can’t be normal about this

[notmrskennedy]

me, tired: got a new perfume today

mom, too chipper: oh????

me, blearily: eau de ocelot piss

#claire rambles #zookeeper tales #zookeeer #ocelot pee is too concentrated #i got gassed today cleaning it up #piss dribbled down my arm lads

[notmrskennedy]

This started out as a joke but then i realised the hight difference is kind of accurate💀

[notmrskennedy]

What does my kitty think when I put her collar on. Does she know it bears an Amulet of Finding? Does she know she has a Rune of Identify hidden in her flesh? She cannot comprehend the magicks that protect her.

[notmrskennedy]

me in my head at the supermarket: nobody is ever going to fucking love me. omg 25% off

[notmrskennedy]

do you have any fun animal facts some people may not know?

i spent so much of today trying to think of like really good ones but honestly here are some that i learned thru working in the field!

1. elephants only digest like 40% of what they eat so their poop is actually super nutritious and a lot of animals rely on it to survive in the wild!

2. a giraffes heart is the size of a basketball!

3. gila monsters do combat with each other and can rip off limbs! they are however immune to their own venom so they can’t die specifically from that when they fight (learned this one today)

4. there’s only 70 thick billed parrots left under human care!

5. nine banded armadillos can carry leprosy!

6. black bears can be brown coloured!

7. beaded lizards have these bony bumps on their bodies called osteoderms that make their skin like armor!

#zookeeper tales #zookeeer #answered asks #animal facts #thanks for asking me all these questions #i fucking LOVE talking #especially about my job (aka special interests)

[notmrskennedy]

me: a 300 page book (~90k words)?! lmao no thanks, i don’t have that kind of energy right now 😮‍💨✋🏼 …anyways—

[notmrskennedy]

Kinda random, I guess. Lives just a little bit hectic lately and I just really needed to draw them and a giraffe to cheer myself up.😭💕

[notmrskennedy]

dropped the walrus vs fairy question on a group of psychologists today and not only did the majority agree the walrus would be more surprising, the one with the strongest background in research responded to the ‘but fairies aren’t real’ argument with “are your beliefs so inflexible that you’ve never considered you might be wrong about what’s real and what’s not?” and honestly i haven’t recovered