no-echo-just-me

[no-echo-just-me]

Hi.

Hope you’ve been alright.

For a daily journal, it isn’t very daily, huh?

I’ll work on it.

xx

Life is both too much and not enough.

I can’t handle what’s right here,

yet I know I want more.

Something isn’t clicking.

I feel like a potted plant.

Potted plants start having problems as they grow.

Not enough sun, not enough water.

Too much sun, too much water.

Not enough space, not enough nutrition.

I’m in need of something or in need of letting go of something.

I can’t tell.

xx

ilybye

[no-echo-just-me]

Hi, friend.

I missed you.

Things are totally uncool right now.

I wish I understood what this feeling is supposed to accomplish.

Maybe it accomplishes nothing and has value anyway.

xx

Unsettled. Hurt. Thus angry.

Angry about missing out on everything I want to do and see, all because I choose to pour, into a void, that which I simply do not have enough of to begin with.

It’s not even a void.

Just a cup that won’t pour back.

I feel empty.

I’m a liquid.

Vaporize me already.

xx

Loneliness is a bite that draws blood.

And I lick my lips.

To taste the copper.

To know that I got bit.

Because numbness dulls the pain.

But copper tastes like copper.

xx

Ttyl ily

#sad #journal

[no-echo-just-me]

Hey hey.

Just between us,

I had sex this morning.

I had breakfast tacos this morning.

I laughed a lot this morning.

xx

I stopped a binge eating episode yesterday.

W.

xx

I think that’s it for now. If I think of anything else, I’ll write again.

Have a great day, okay?

Love you

xx

[no-echo-just-me]

No time to write yesterday.

But I missed you.

I went to lunch with a friend. She got us sandwiches.

We took lunch to our other friends and ate outside.

I missed my friends so much.

xx

It’s Saturday morning.

I have laid scrolling in my bed for hours.

I should get up and shower.

kbye

xx

[no-echo-just-me]

xx

How goes it?

I hope well.

It’s wild to see your life’s big changes converge all at once.

I’m all nerves.

I have to remember how insurance works every time I fill one of these out.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

But I’m stoked to be doing it.

Happy to be here.

Here here for a little while anyway.

Nerves.

xx

I’ll have to write more tomorrow.

Going to find highly discounted Christmas decorations.

And I’ve got that insurance paperwork to turn in.

Happy Thurs.

Take care of yourself.

xx

[no-echo-just-me]

Good morning.

Shit feels like it’s getting back to normal.

I got breakfast and ate it at the park with the trees.

Watched two dudes enter the little forest in the middle at the same time, from opposite ends of the park.

I thought a lot about what they could be doing.

Maybe sex.

Maybe drugs.

Maybe rock and roll.

Maybe they just wanted to hang out in the woods together for half an hour.

Maybe they’re both living lives that don’t allow them to express themselves emotionally, so they met up to hash out some emotional toils.

Maybe they always go in there at 10:00AM on Wednesdays because they always have.

I looked up from the video I was watching and saw one of them in my rearview mirror.

Headed home I guess.

Maybe not.

xx

After my video ended, I headed home too.

Now I’m sitting in my car, turned off, with a window rolled down.

The sun is hitting my left hand and I feel like eventually it’s gonna get too hot—but right now it feels like my existence is all pooling into that hand to get a taste.

At home on a Wednesday and the clock in my head that’s always running has stopped.

xx

I feel like this isn’t the last you’ll hear from me today.

It’s not even noon after all.

[no-echo-just-me]

It’s a quiet morning. I sat in the kitchen and listened to the electrical hum of utter silence.

I never wanted to go more than at that moment.

It felt pure and solemn, like diving into a warm pool of water. I sat and cried.

Now I’m back in bed, under the covers, wishing I could fall back to sleep and dream of better things.

Today is my last day at work. I have to go in. There’s work to be done after all.

xx

My partner floats on some secluded island, off in the distance.

“The sparkle is gone,” they sighed.

In response,

I hurt.

The hurt bubbled out into words.

I watched as my partner floated away to their island.

I never wanted to go more than at that moment.

The warm pool left between us.

xx

If I don’t get up now, I’ll be later than the 30 minutes late that is my standard.

My solid black uniform doesn’t vibrate with irony.

I’m in mourning for something I can’t put words to.

On to another day.

xx