my-soliloquy-chamber

[my-soliloquy-chamber]

#botw #zelda breath of the wild #funny #legend of zelda

[my-soliloquy-chamber]

Never has there ever been a ride or die like Barnabas.

#barnabas #ac odyssey #such unquestioning loyalty and acceptance

[my-soliloquy-chamber]

I’ve been trying to work my way back towards fandom and particularly writing, carefully and mostly just in spirit without actually doing anything. (Imagine a deeply cowardly stalker peering at you from around corners and from behind hedges, but is still several blocks away and barely able to distinguish between you and a lamppost. It’s been like that.)

But today, I actually opened AO3 to look at the last chapter I posted, and then I actually opened Google Docs and looked through my notes for the story and what I was planning for it. And then I searched through my flat until I found my good pen and the notebook I was using when I wrote last.

That’s where I found that I’d written almost a full chapter 18, the words ending in the middle of a scene because what happened to my dad last year stopped me finishing.

So I’ve been reading what I wrote, and I’m not mad at it. It’s decent, it’s good, I can use it. And then I’ve been very roughly outlining where I’m going next, what needs to be written or researched, where I have finished snippets that need mapping into place.

It was nice, it felt normal, good, but I’m also a little exhausted. This thing feels like a muscle I’ve (rightfully, reasonably) let atrophy. I’m not sure I’ll actually be able to write anything, let alone finish this story, but I’m feeling closer than in a very very long time.

I don’t think I’ll post any chapters until the whole story is complete, though. It feels too much like tempting fate.

#anthologia #I’m trying to find my way back #depression is one hell of an adversary

[my-soliloquy-chamber]

I was bitten by a dog today. If it weren’t for my very thick winter coat, I would’ve needed stitches

I’ve always been pretty ambivalent about dogs but oh boy do I hate dog owners. Way too many of you guys S U C K 🖕

#my arm hurts #stupid humans #cats forever

[my-soliloquy-chamber]

#the odyssey #boing boing bonkers

[my-soliloquy-chamber]

Pasta is hardtack. Hardtack is pasta.

#yo ho yo ho a pasta plate for me

[my-soliloquy-chamber]

My dad died last week.

It was too early, he should have gotten another ten years at least. I’m not ready, and I never really got to say goodbye because he wasn’t really conscious. I know I was there with him, but he doesn’t.

My dad was a feminist and a pacifist, an innovator and an artist, and an educator. He had a sharp wit and a kind heart. And he’s gone.

I’m never going to sit in the passenger seat listening to him talk about his life and interests again.

I’m never going to get a hug from him again. He was really good at those.

When I was a kid, my parents would alternate nights putting me to bed. My mom would read me books, my dad would read me comics or sing songs.

He was the one who stayed home with me if I was sick from school. Or took me with him to work and tucked me in on a couch.

One time when we kids were blowing soap bubbles, my dad made one with cigarette smoke. Creating a gorgeous, pearlescent orb that mesmerized and captivated little me. My mom got mad at him for that so he never did it again. As an adult, I understand it’s because she knew it would lure idiot-child me to steal cigarettes so I could make the bubbles myself, so she was right. But I’ve never forgotten that bubble he made.

He made wonderful, neat and funny sketches and drawings. He had real talent. Actually everyone in my family has a talent for drawing, including his grandchildren. I’m the only one with zero innate ability. He was also a sculptor, making animals and vases out of clay.

When I was a kid he would sing all the time, and play the guitar. As he got older that petered out but he continued to hum made-up tunes, and drum random rhythms on tables or the steering wheel.

He loved music. One time he recorded over my favorite my little pony movie with AC/DC live in Sydney. I was devastated and didn’t let him forget that transgressions. Twenty or so years later he gave me a stack of CDs onto which he’d burned every single My little pony movie and show he could find on the internet.

He spent so much time teaching me how to iron, fold sheets, make a neat bed. And I never learned properly. But imagine how terrible I’d be at it if he hadn’t even tried.

He wasn’t allowed to smoke inside the house after my mom quit smoking, so in my teens he would go outside for a last cigarette before going to bed. So he would stand out on the stoop late at night, watching the night sky. Often he would come fetch me (being a teen who refused to sleep) to see the neat things he saw. He would tell me about planets and constellations, point out satellites. Sometimes we just stood there and watched northern lights or shooting stars.

I’m going to miss my dad so much. I was not ready for this at all.

#why shout when you can speak softly into the void

[my-soliloquy-chamber]

My father is dying, he's been declining rapidly this past month and it won't be long now.

This quote has been on my mind because of how accurate it is. It expresses well what it's like to grieve.

What it doesn't describe is what I'm struggling with the most. Being a functional, composed adult who does not break into tears in public.

We're not supposed to sob on the train, on the bus, at the grocery store. I even feel uncomfortable crying in the hospital by his bed.

I can’t wait for this to be over. For his suffering to end. For our grieving to properly start so it can be worked through.

Now I'm just trying to hold all my peeling parts together and pretend to be an adult. My head hurts. My back hurts. My stomach hurts. My throat my eyes my heart hurts.

This limbo is killing me.

#why shout when you can speak softly into the void

[my-soliloquy-chamber]

#kassandra #ac odyssey #adrestia #assassin's creed odyssey #q

[my-soliloquy-chamber]

TOTK spoilers

Those gloom puddles with arms scare the shit out of me. The visual, plus how hard they are to evade and escape, the sound they make, the music…. Giving me literal nightmares. 🫣

Then when I finally manage to kill one, fucking Phantom Ganon shows up! Impossible to kill! 😭 And scary as fuck! 😱

Never again!

#totk spoilers

[my-soliloquy-chamber]

I would sell my soul to Hades for Kassandra 

#kassandra #phoibe #odessa #ikaros; #ac odyssey #q

[my-soliloquy-chamber]

TOTK spoilers

My house in Hateno is still standing! But it’s been redecorated, and has Zelda’s journal in it. And only one bed… Surely, she didn’t throw Link out of his home? 😏

#totk spoilers

[my-soliloquy-chamber]

[my-soliloquy-chamber]

TOTK spoilers

Those... those are Zora statues. What are they doing down in the deep? 👀

Also, how am I supposed to get out of here?

And what happened to the poor fairy?

#totk spoilers

[my-soliloquy-chamber]

A Soldier's Duty

#brasidas #assassin's creed odyssey #ac odyssey #q

[my-soliloquy-chamber]

TOTK spoilers

Once down in Hyrule, everything looks so familiar, so the same, and yet different. 🥰

There’s a stable with the familiar music (with a slight twist of course). And the stable itself is smoking from the horse mouth! Is that just this place or all of them? And my npcs! There they are! ❤️ Even Beedle! I’m so excited to run over and say hello! Will they remember me?

🥺 No. not even Beedle remembers me. 😭 How long have I been gone!? Though… considering how the flora and fauna has changed, I’d say I’ve been gone a looooong time.

Speaking of. I love that there are all sorts of new plants and animals without the old ones being gone. Tomatoes! 😁 Yum!

Pony points! 😄

I love the new grab and lift system. That you can rotate easily makes my heart sing! I was soooo bad at moving and aligning things in botw!

Also the construction! It’s soooo much fun! My mantra is (by necessity) If It Works, It’s Not Stupid. 😅

We still can’t pet the dogs. That makes me a little sad. They deserve pets.

The enemies! I am sooo glad I’ve been avoiding the trailer and spoilers. I’m shocked at everything new and just running for my life half (no all) the time. 😂 The trees attack! The talus is in alliance with bokoblings? They have fortresses and vehicles! Oh my oh dear. I’m so bad at fighting..

Oh how I miss my paraglider. I really hope I get a new one soon.

And Lookout Landing! They’ve built a little town! There’s a moat! The guard recognized me!! Everyone recognizes me! 🥳🥳🥰❤️❤️ (so what’s up with Beedle? 🥺 Did I hurt his feelings or something?)

And THAT is one impressive emergency shelter. 😁 I love it!

Wait. Are we supposed to believe that Purah and her gang built all the Skyview Towers themselves? While Link was gone? And where are the other towers? And other shrines?

PARAGLIDER! I have it back yay!!

I like the newspaper concept much better than the gossip books. Though… is Penn an Albatross? Not a Rito?

It’s so weird to run around and suddenly recognize where you are. Everything is different but the same. Trippy!

#totk spoilers

[my-soliloquy-chamber]

Oh god, it feels like coming home. 🥰

#totk spoilers