im sorry that you feel the need to forget me. at one point you were saying how desperately you wanted me in your life. now, you wont return a glance. to my number 1 ghost, why do you have to haunt me? i know youve moved on, and i could probably too. but i just cant make sense of it. was i so bad? was it so wrong loving me? i know i told you that you werent being fair. i know i said you ruined me. but why cant you keep doing it? what changed. what happened. why do things have to change so much after the thrill is gone. you were my deepest love now youre my worst ghost.
“something being over isnt the same as if it never happened” (conversations with friends, sally rooney)
“telling you its nice to see how good youre doing, even though we know it isnt true” (cool about it, boygenius)
ive been listening to a lot of music lately. since my breakup a few months ago ive almost drowned myself in it. part of it feels maladaptive but its just so insanely soothing. i do not know what its like to not want someone. will i ever feel as understood these songs? poetry and lyrics are so incredible to me. not to discredit other animals, but i feel that theres nothing more human. why does love have to be so consuming. why do i have to be so addicted to it. ive been reading a book of manifestations for “women who love too much.” it feels very applicable to me, but also sometimes i dont feel a problem with my loving. i want someone to be in ever pursuit of me. i want someone to stare at my nape. i want someone to feel sick at the thought of losing me. it makes me sick to think no one will. maybe i should just stop dating avoidants. but also how can i want these qualities in someone when i find them the most unattractive parts of myself? perhaps i just want the validation, that im not wrong and not crazy. my constant and undying search for right and wrong. how do i move in this world not knowing which ways up. i never want to be wrong, and it hurts to feel others arent as concerned with it. why cant people just be nice. why cant i be nice?