missingteethblog

[missingteethblog]

05/23/2020 - 22:56

Today is my last day before I start working 45 hours a week at work, 9 hour shifts for 5 days a week. While I’m still in school. This is legal because I’m 18. God. At this point I’m working as a full time acting supervisor while getting paid and regarded as a part time minimum wage employee. And the pandemic benefits are ending at the end of this month. This is a huge bruh moment. Hey at least I’m getting a lot of money (relatively), and I get to preview my 2 years off of school once I graduate. I was originally going to just take 1 year off but decided to take 2 instead because 1) I have no idea when I can get top surgery and 2) a lot of grade 12s are taking a gap year now because the first semester university classes are all online, and I want to avoid the huge wave of kids for next year. So 2 years it is. My sister is not supportive of this at all LOL but I do not care, I’m doing what is best for me and that’s all that matters.

Anyways, yesterday was my one year on t! To reiterate what I typed a couple days ago, I’m really proud of myself for making it this far, especially when I used to think that I wouldn’t make it to 16. I went through so much mental health shit. I struggled with severe self harm, and was able to get out of that headspace this year which was really difficult to do. I struggled with the beginnings of an eating disorder, which I still struggle with today but on less severe levels. I’m using the words ‘struggle’ and ‘severe’ a lot in this paragraph. But yeah, I overcame a lot of mental health shit to get here, however there are still a LOT of things I still need to get through. Trauma, forgiveness (to myself), being able to create art again, anxiety, being hypercritical of every single thing I do, having way too much empathy (to the point where it’s draining), just a lot of issues. But the fact that I was able to get out of the dark, numbing self harm headspace?? Damn, I really did that all on my own. No therapy, no meds, just me. 

Today was really nice. Hung out with D at the bridge and we both just played our guitars. It was so nice out today as well, albeit too many fucking mosquitoes, but other than that it was just so calm. I really liked it. That was the first time I played the guitar in front of another person (no singing, just the instrument), which was a huge step because usually I absolutely cannot do any sort of art with anyone around me because it sends me into a hypercritical and insecure spiral for a few days but today it wasn’t like that. We were just simply chilling!! Yet another preview of my 2 year gap year lol.

I have also completely checked out of school. Working 45 hours a week is not going to be able to let me do any school at all. My mental health is getting worse. I cannot do online school no matter how hard I try, I just can’t learn that way. So, sorry teachers, but I have reached my limit and I can’t do it anymore. LOL! At least exams are cancelled and I don’t have to worry about school for the next 2 years. And I’ll be passing all my courses, not getting an 80, but getting minimum a 74. Minimum. It might be higher than that, but it won’t be an 80. Sorry to disappoint my parents. Also sorry to my sister because I know she already feels embarrassed to be related to me, her shitty, mentally ill, trans, gifted kid burnout brother with zero plans for the future. She definitely knows I at least vape and probably suspects that I also smoke weed, and she’s super against both of those things, and just non prescription drugs in general. My entire family is like that. Makes me feel like even more of an outcast in my own family. It’s very isolating. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I don’t like hanging out with my family. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I need to move out so badly. Damn we really out here figuring things out while typing a tumblr vent post that no one will read. Haha. What a sad, pathetic thing for a person to experience. This is actually making me sad now so I’m going to go to bed. Can’t wait to work 9 hours tomorrow :DDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Currently listening to A Deer Mistaking Candles For Headlights by Crywank.

#frog posts #updates

[missingteethblog]

05/19/2020 - 00:27

I’m officially 3 days away from being 1 year on testosterone, and 1.5 years into my medical transition. I never thought I would ever even make it to 16 years old. I was incredibly mentally ill, and very deep into my self harm addiction (not yet peaking in it, but coming close). I was not out yet as trans. I had written suicide notes and had several plans of attempting (I only attempted once using a stupid method). And here I am, at almost 18 and a half, this far into my medical transition, surrounded by supportive family and friends, clean from self harm for 3 months, and looking forward to the future instead of going day by day and hating the concept of the future at all because I didn’t want to be a part of it. I still have a long way to go, but I’m so proud of how far I’ve come. Good job, me. Your past self would be proud of you (I hope).

First day of two days of being off from work, did absolutely nothing until about 15:30, and then went for a drive by myself and destroyed my vocal chords from screaming to Crywank. I drove down some road to the middle of nowhere and ended up at a national park that I hadn’t been to in a really long time. It was really nice, I enjoyed that alone time for an hour and a half. I’m so glad I have my drivers’ licence. I also thought that I was getting followed by a cop on a motorcycle and I got so fucking terrified (even though I did not break the law in any way. I wasn’t even speeding (unlike literally everyone in Ottawa). I just went so stiff and sweaty and I turned off my music and stopped singing because I was so terrified. It just turned out to be a couple asshole cyclists who thought I was going too slow (once again, I was driving slightly over the speed limit) and passed me at like 100km/h. There is no reason, you’re just putting yourself and other drivers at risk??? I know I’m being bitter for no reason but people who think they own the road because they’re driving 30km over the speed limit really bug me.

I’m starting to hit a wall with my art. Yesterday I hung out with two of my friends and we just drew by the creek and talked and it was really nice don’t get me wrong, but I couldn’t help feeling so inferior because their art is so much better than mine. Both of them are going to post secondary into different art programs, and I’m just starting to get out of a 2 year art block, so my art is significantly worse than their’s. God this is such a selfish thing to think and be upset over. But I’m so sensitive about other people seeing my art, especially other artists. It’s a huge problem, and it’s kind of why I give up at different art forms if I’m not immediately good at it. I need to just grow a pair and work on it so I can improve, If I don’t practice and just give up, then I’m never going to get better at it!! This is so frustrating! I was just starting to be okay with my art too. Even though I always get complimented on my work, any compliments towards my art always go in one ear and out the other because I know that there are people who are far more deserving of that praise. I struggle with that a lot. It’s the main reason I stopped taking visual art in high school. :( I just want to be able to see my art the way other people see it. As something good. 

They’re supposed to announce whether or not schools will be opening up for the rest of the year tomorrow. Here’s why I think it’s pointless: 

1) we aren’t allowed to gather in public groups of over 10 people until the end of June, and school ends before then.

2) households aren’t allowed to intermingle yet. 

3) exams have already been cancelled, and the midterm marks are our graduating marks (they can’t go down. They can, however, go up.). 

4) Prom has been cancelled and is not being rescheduled. The grad ceremony isn’t happening until autumn, by which point most of the students (hopefully including myself) will have moved out.

5) school is literally ending in less than a month. There’s no point in opening the schools for less than a month. No one is going to be there.

6) universities and colleges aren’t even letting students do actual irl school the entire first semester and aren’t letting students move into res until second semester. All their classes are online the entire first semester. Why are high schools opening up if post secondary establishments aren’t.

I have zero hope that the schools will reopen, and at this point in time it’s completely useless. I do not want the schools to open up, it is so much easier and more sensible to just keep them closed.

Anyways, yeah I’m just bitter about that. Hopefully they stay closed for everyone’s sake.

Currently listening to Fentanyl by McCafferty.

#frog posts #updates

[missingteethblog]

Repost from backup.

05/16/2020 - 22:47

I told myself that I would do schoolwork today, but all I did was sit in my room and watch things on my laptop while playing mobile games. What a waste of space I am, huh. However, I fully learned Waste and Privately Owned Spiral Galaxy by Crywank today, so I’m very proud of myself for that :). James’ toiletsona also released a soundcloud EP (which is admittedly a vibe), and I was not expecting them to do that as twitter user poopipeepo but y’know what? Valid. Love them. I never know what to expect from them, they’re kind of chaotic, but like lowkey chaotic. Overall very interesting and strange person, in a good way. They’re great I love them.

Anyways, almost out of nic AGAIN. Not happy about that. I also think my mod’s battery is starting to go bad, it takes forever to charge and then only lasts for one day (whereas previously it lasted for 3 days max), but it’s probably because I just use it all day instead of once every couple days. Yeah y’know what that’s probably it. Really hope the vape stores across the provincial border open up again soon so I can drive there after work one day and just pick stuff up. I’ll probably just order it online and deliver it to the post office. My favourite flavour from the batch I got from Kijiji is Sour Ghost, kind of sour fruity flavours it’s very tasty. I need more nic than 3mg though, that’s why I’ve been using it so much.

Also found out that my parents sold our trailer at the campsite we’d been using since I was like 5 years old. End of an era, really, kind of made me sad but also relieved because then I won’t feel bad for not going all the time. I had a lot of good memories there, but everything felt forced after I turned 13. No one had the same interests as me, everyone kind of acted like it was a chore to hang out with me (I don’t think a lot of the people my age-ish liked me very much), and since I was the oldest and most responsible out of the parents’ kids, I was usually relied upon to look after the younger kids (without pay. It was just an expectation I guess). Especially as an LGBT youth. No one my age was LGBT (or even very accepting), and the only other LGBT people there were never really there, and I didn’t know they were LGBT until tonight. Rip. Especially as a young trans kid. Always felt alienated from the kids and the other adults. Every interaction felt forced (except with a select few adults), but I just feel like everyone was nice to me out of pity and because my parents were usually around when I talked to people so they couldn’t really say anything questionable or discriminatory without my parents jumping in and telling them off (my parents are incredibly supportive). Found out some stuff about people there as well. The “weird kid” that was also incredibly alienated from everyone (even more than me), found out that his mom was an addict and that he got removed from her home (which is why he didn’t come back, I had always wondered where he went). I always felt a strange connection to him, and now I know why. I hope he’s doing okay now. Always had off vibes with his mom. Also found out why my parents never let me stay in the same room as a former family friend, my mom told me (after I kept asking her) that he’s a sex offender, specifically for minors (so, a p*do). He’s in psych treatment now, but yeah always felt something was off about him. I don’t know, there are things I shouldn’t tell people.

The state of tranquility from last week’s trip has worn off (not 100%, but pretty much gone), so I’m feeling almost back to normal again :(. I’m really looking forward to moving out. I found all of our old camping utensils in the basement and BONUS they’re all multicoloured animal utensils!! I am VERY excited to own them in an apartment when I move out. My parents told me that they’d been saving things over the years for when I move out, so now I don’t have to worry about a table, a toaster, a microwave (like, a good quality one, it’s an epic microwave), pots and pans, and a dish set (it’s our old Denby set so I am starting off STRONG in the dishes game. Denby is super super good quality). Looking forward to creating a strange collection of mugs from the thrift store, already have one for my paintbrushes! I can’t wait to move out and live on my own after top surgery. I’ll truly be a free man :).

Currently listening to I Don’t Want To Be Sad by Human Kitten.

#frog posts #updates

[missingteethblog]

05/13/2020 - 23:15

2day waz chill. The picky meat dude at work wasn’t there so I just did my own thing without feelng watched every sigle second so that waz nice. I am goign to type this post however I want and I am not going to correct any typoz bcuz that’s tonite’s mood. 

Also at work, one of the grocery deptartment managers went aroind and gave every1 girl guide cookiez and I have not had those in YEARS. I had a vanilla one bcuz i am boring (but they r delicious) and reminised about when I used to be in girl guides (from ages 6 - 15?) and that felt bittersweet. I really miss girl guides, I made a lot of friends there and learned a lot of good life skillz but I also recall this one instance in first year pathfinders when we were talkign about tranz people (I was not out and did not know what th fuq was going on with my identity I was just vibing as female I guess) and I remember that the leaderz were expalining that they would let trans women in but not trans guys and I remember thinking “huhhh whattt why?? woudl I not be allowed back or something???” again this was before I realized taht I was trans but still had this profound feeling of exclusion. Weird how ur brain is wired, It’s like I knew subconsciously but consciously I had no idea. That was also the niht when shark week happened for th 1st time ever so ya that was a weird night. Damn didn’t expect 2 uncover taht memory 2nite as I’m typing this.

I did this filter thingy on instagram about Camp Ten Oaks andn taht uncovered a LOT of memories from J and camp and things I wished to forget but NOPE they r still prevalent and very VERY present. It happened almsot 2 yearz ago I would like 2 forget. I fo rememebr when we were makign friendship bracelets that I was the only one of his friends (?) that didn’t get one from him and I remeber feeling very ignored except for when we were back in the cabin by ourselves or when we were hanging out by ourselves in general. It was very sad now that I am typing this and realizing MORE shit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Now I’m incredibly sad and upset. I really was just an accessory to him, huh. He liked having me around, but my prescence was it. He never really talked to me or even acknowledged me when we were with his friends, barely even looked at me if he ever did. This is not an epic gamer moment, this is making me sad. Time 2 stop typing about this b4 I spiral and keep typing about it until I fall asleep at the computer.

I am also slowly getting better at th guitar!! Which I talked about yesterday but I am proud of msyelf :)) almost completely learned Waste and Privately Owned Spiral Galaxy (both by Crywank)! Hell yeah!! Hopefully I’ll be able to find the right words 2 write my own songz soon, I really want to do that. I hav so many thingz 2 express and I would love to do that in song format. Also been doing at least one drawing a day to try 2 breal out of my depression art block, and it’s been helping a lot!! Go me, look at me making artistic progress!! Been doing not a lot of schoolwork at all, finished an assignment that was due 2 weeks ago but hey I’m oding thingz ad that’s all that matterz at this point. Exams r also cancelled so that takes a lot of stress of my plate. Never though thta my last year of high school woudl turn out like this; quarantined, never going back to school again, no exams, everything is online, prom is cancelled, no idea when I’m gettign top surgery and my wisdom teeth out which means that my entire life is on hold until all the clinics open up again for elective surgery, nicotine addiction, doing drugz, getting 6.2k on tiktok. Damb bro. 

I miss hugging my friends. I just want to hug my friends.

Currently listening to Fenn (album) by Tom Rosenthal. It’s very good I recommend it if you’ve read this post.

#frog posts #updates

[missingteethblog]

05/12/2020 - 23:00

Haven’t posted on here in a bit sorry. Not that anyone’s following this account but oh well, sorry to myself I guess. 

These past week(s)? have been pretty wild. I tripped twice last week, the first time I only took 1.5g of shrooms and was apparently embodied by Goddess Asira (Google results show nothing) and felt like my body was light (like, actual photons). The theme of that night was Everything Is Very Snake 2 (Crywank ofc) and the colours orange, green, yellow, and general natural light. Very bizarre. The SECOND trip, however was absolutely bonkers. I took the rest (2.5g) and I ascended to the astral plane. Every time I closed my eyes it was a different trip and then when I opened them it changed again it kept going like that for 4 hours straight. It also felt like every single song to ever exist was playing at full volume in my head on top of listening to every single radio station at the same time ON TOP OF watching 15 movies at once. In my head. My favourite part about tripping is when I’m coming down from it and I have this one hour period when i am completely open and self analysis is complete clarity, i just feel so comfortable with my existence it’s very nice. During this period my LED lights are set at the lowest brightness with light green and the first trip I just watched live Crywank concert vids and then the Big Trip I just watched The Midnight Gospel (amazing show on Netflix. I finished it yesterday and the last episode fucked me up it’s such a good show. The art and animation is incredible) and just felt so incredibly at peace with the world. That tranquility lasted for a full 3 days (today. I’m back to normal now which sucks but hey at least for a little bit I felt what being not mentally ill is like). Overall great experience. 10/10 doing it again. Also done with my entire family in the house. Sorry mom and dad.

Also reached 6.2k followers on tiktok? Somehow? I’ve gained almost 2k followers in the past week. Shit’s wild. Did not expect that when I first joined that cursed app.

I’m also slowly getting better at the guitar! Which is awesome!! Usually when I’m not immediately perfect at something I just give up (ex-gifted program kid. Now I’m just a burnout) but I’ve actually been practicing and stuff and I’m really proud of my progress. It’s been motivating me to keep doing it, which is super important to me. When my voice becomes more stable (thanks second puberty) I think I might start a YouTube channel where I post covers and stuff (and perhaps original songs if I ever get around to writing things) which is scary but I’m just not going to show my face so that if people I know (esp. family) DO find it then they won’t know it’s me (immediately). Excited about that. 

I’m also 10 days away from being 1 year on HRT. I’m really proud of myself for making it this far. I never thought I would make it to 16 years old let alone almost 18 and a half and almost a year on testosterone. !5 year old me wouldn’t believe how far I’ve come. Of course drugs have played a part on this (*chefs kiss* for nicotine, weed, and psychedelics) but the fact that I’m still alive and slowly looking forward to the future is a huge step for me. Also nearly 3 months clean from self harm right now. Good job, me, you’re getting better. :)

Currently listening to Tin Foil Hat Crew At The Student House Party by Crywank.

#frog posts #updates

[missingteethblog]

I’m a fucking awful person. I’m sorry to those who thought otherwise.

[missingteethblog]

05/02/2020 - 22:57

Today’s been hard to deal with. Everything is exhausting and irritating, all I have the energy to do is sit in my room and vape. I managed to do a 20min Yousician lesson and do 2 shitty pieces of art but that’s about it. I don’t imagine that this post is going to be very long.

Thinking a lot about what happened with J and overthinking everything he did. Was he opening up to me because he trusted me? Or was he opening up to me to give me the false sense that he loved me enough to tell me this in order to be able to manipulate me more easily? Did he really love me, or was he with me because I’m conventionally attractive and wanted to make himself look good? I don’t know anything anymore and it’s ruining me. it’s tearing me inside out. I fucking hate this. Why can’t I just stop. It’s been difficult trying not to relapse, so I’ve been replacing that with weed and nicotine. Ran out of weed yesterday and I’m kind of upset about that. Also figured out that I don’t like smoking it, so I think I’m going to give edibles a go when I have the chance.

It’s also been really difficult to text people, or even talk to my family because even talking about the most mundane things is exhausting. This is sending me into a depressive episode I think. I also feel like I’m suffocating my friend(s) (specifically one) and my vent account on instagram because it’s all I’m talking about so I’m just not going to talk about it at all. Maybe I’ll be seen as less of an attention whore. God I’m so selfish. But my best friend told me that I’m the most altruistic person they’ve ever met, and even though they explained why and meant every word, I don’t believe them. For most of my teenage years, I’ve been called selfish by my family with every ounce of meaning in their words (and I see exactly why, I was a selfish piece of shit) and now I can’t see myself as anything but. I’ve been trying to fix it, and to fix myself and see myself as selfless, but I can’t seem to change my perspective. It hurts because I can’t be selfish anymore. That’s not who I am but that’s all I’m seen as.

Currently listening to Only Everyone Can Judge Me by Crywank (very fitting to the mood right now).

#frog posts #updates

[missingteethblog]

05/01/2020 - 19:26

Decided to change my user. I want to start a (one person - me) band called Missing Teeth so I changed my user to match that. Hopefully nothing actually happens and no one finds this but whatever I’m past the point of caring lol.

Third day in a row that I’ve woken up at exactly 7:23am to go to work (no alarms, just this exact time for some reason). And every time I’ve woken up to a song from Tomorrow Is Nearly Yesterday And Everyday Is Stupid (Crywank), so that’s a little weird since I shuffle my entire playlist before I go to sleep. Their final album also came out yesterday and it’s so beautiful and perfect. Every song flows into the next, and it tells a really intimate story about the band. Needless to say, I love it. Definitely not their usual content but what else do you expect from a band called Crywank releasing their final album titled Fist Me ‘Til Your Hand Comes Out My Mouth?

I think the situation with J (fucked up relationship, description in the last update) is sending me into a depressive episode (I mean, I already deal with chronic depression, but it’s making it a lot worse). I spent my entire lunch at work today listening to my ruminating playlist about it and just felt so, so numb. I was so stupid. How did I not see what was going on? Why didn’t I listen to my friends? I’m awful and a part of me believes that I deserved it. I hate him. That felt weird to type, but I hate him and I hope he knows that. 

Another part of me is trying to convince me that I am, in fact, being over dramatic and unreasonable. Trying to tell me that he was right. That he doesn’t deserve my hatred. That I am wrong and that I’m lying to everyone to get attention. It’s really fucking me up. That’s what emotional abuse does to you though, and I have to keep telling myself that what I experienced really did happen and that I have every right to feel upset and angry. He treated me like an accessory, because I’m thin, white, and conventionally attractive, and used to be so, so in love with him. He used that against me and manipulated and lied his way around everything. There’s a reason he has stayed the exact same since I met him 3 years ago, and that I have grown into a stronger and more mature person that he could never hope to control. That’s why he ran away when I confronted him that last time, because he knew that I was right and there was nothing he could do to twist everything around. He knew he fucked up, but it saddens me that that was the only time. He is a coward and a liar, and I fucking hate every inch of him. He ruined me, and continues to haunt me. His best friend (who I also used to be close with and trusted more than him because she treated me kindly) also turned out to be quite manipulative, so that’s fucking me up as well (not as much, but it still makes me upset). But did it really happen? Or is my brain making all this up to make me seem like the good guy? I don’t know anymore. I know he fucked me up, but the damage is done. Emotional abuse is fucking awful to try and recover from. I guess it doesn’t help that I only figured it out a couple days ago. 

Talked with one of my coworkers today, and I feel bad for calling him incompetent at his job (even though he is) and generally not liking him. He’s actually really nice to talk with, I found out that he’s been through a lot of shit, but he’s a really chill dude. AND he said that he thinks I’m funny and asked me how he’d never talked to me before. We talked a lot about what we wanted to do after high school (I told him about wanting to get a bullshit arts degree, and then buying a van and driving around and generally vibing with the earth) and he wants to be a therapist (cuz his experiences that he’s been through would help him help other people - which is really nice to hear :) ), we talked about tattoos and which ones we want to get once the studios open back up, and about drugs (he knows almost every plug in the city, so now I can get actual drugs instead of just weed and nicotine!!). It was a really pleasant interaction, especially after everything from a couple days ago. I really needed it and I’m glad it happened. 

Also, apparently I’m helping make a movie! This person I follow on tiktok posted about wanting to make one and dropping instagram users in the comments to DM us about it, and we’re genuinely making plans and assigning roles (currently I am filming and editing - which is something I haven’t done in years, so I’m really looking forward to it) and we’re going to all meet up once we’re older and the time is right so we can finish making it. I think this is going to turn out really cool, and I’m super excited for this project! I’ll definitely keep updates.

Instead of engaging in self harm tonight, I’m gunna smoke the rest of my weed and numb everything out by getting high. Really looking forward to it. Not looking forward to running out of weed though :( oh well.

Currently listening to Fist Me ‘Til Your Hand Comes Out My Mouth by Crywank. 

#frog posts #updates

[missingteethblog]

04/29/2020 - 22:17

My laptop decided that it would take a billion years to do anything, and I had to shut down all my stuff so that I could use the browser I’m going to lose it.

Anyways, I went on a walk with S today, and talked about a 3 year on and off relationship I recently ended, and while talking about it I realized how fucked up the dynamics were. Everyone told me stories about him and warned me about him, and while I believed them, I never believed that anything like that would ever happen to me. I was wrong, and I didn’t realize until this afternoon.

I realized that he was extremely manipulative and a compulsive liar. Every time him and I argued about something, he would turn the situation around to make it seem like I was either upset at him for no reason or that he was the victim (mostly both). And in those arguments, I was made to think that I was in the wrong (and I believed it). Looking back at them, I was always in the right, and my anger and fear and frustration was all justified, but because he knew I loved him, he would twist everything around to make me apologize for confronting him and therefore keeping me wrapped around his finger.

The first time, he suddenly stopped texting me out of the blue. No heads up, no warnings. Just, disappeared. And because I knew his mental health was really bad at that point in time, I understandably thought that something had happened to him or that he had done something to himself. So, I was texting him and his friends that I knew would know what was up. I think he told his friends to not tell me what was going on, because they responded very passive aggressively or straight up told me to fuck off and stop bothering them. Eventually, he texted me telling me to stop texting his friends. I told him that I was worried and that I thought something had happened to him, to which he responded by telling me that he needed space and time for himself. That’s cool and I respect that, but you need to tell me, the person you were dating at the time, if you’re going to do that so I don’t go into panic mode and think that you killed yourself. But I believed that I was being unreasonable (because of what he told me and how his friends acted towards me), and I apologized. Profusely and full of guilt. He blocked me for a few months after that and I spent those few months scared and isolated.

The second incident happened after an LGBT camp (not conversion camp, but a summer camp just for LGBT kids) that we went to and had been planning on going to together since before the first situation unfolded. Because of this, he decided to message me on social media, and our relationship rekindled (drastically at camp, but slowly leading up to then). We were part of the older group of campers, and had almost as much free reign as the camp counselors. After the camp ended and everyone went home, the Ottawa campers from our cabin decided to have a sleep over party and invited everyone except for me and two other campers. I didn’t know about it until the morning after when I saw the pictures he had posted. I of course asked him about it , wondering why he didn’t tell me about it and why I wasn’t invited. He told me that he thought I wouldn’t like it, so decided to just not tell me. I understandably got pretty upset over that, telling him that I would have at least liked to know about a sleep over party with my camp friends, who I thought liked me. He twisted everything around to make it seem like I was the unreasonable one and blocked me again. That was the night I sort of realized that I was an accessory to him, and that he didn’t really want to be seen with me around our camp friends because I embarrassed him. Except I didn’t come to that realization that night, but this afternoon. What I really thought that night was that no one actually liked me. And honestly I don’t think that that was far off from the truth.

The third and last incident happened this past December/January. I found out that he had unblocked me, and after a few months of consideration, I reached out to him and (profusely and guilt-ridden) apologized for what had happened 1.5 years ago. he told me that he was sorry too, and that he wanted to reach out but didn’t think I wanted to talk to him. Over the 3 years that I had known him, that was the most character development I had ever seen from him. He had actually apologized as well, but just for the argument. Not what he had done. Anyways, we decided to start making plans to hang out. I rescheduled it twice because of incidents he faced that were out of his control. However, the third time we had agreed that I would go over to his dad’s house on New Year’s day. He of course got piss drunk the night before and woke up at the time we were supposed to hang out and cancelled. I rescheduled it a fourth time (notice how I keep saying I instead of we or him. I was the only one trying to make the plans work) for a Wednesday during a school week, and fought with my parents to let me commute 1 hour downtown (one way) on a school night to meet him. I ended up being 15mins early, and him an hour late. While I was waiting for him to show up, he asked me if I wanted to make it a date (I said yes). He shows up an hour after the meet time we agreed on, but instead of just being alone, he brought a camp friend of his along that he had seen on the bus. He never asked me if it was okay to bring this person along, nor did he give me a heads up. I thought that I would just say hi and this person would leave me and him to our date, but no. He had invited this person along without discussing it with me. Him and the camp friend ended up talking the entire time, and he barely even looked at or acknowledged me. The only time he did was when he glanced back at me occasionally as we were walking to the little restaurant and when he noticed that I was being distant and quiet and asked me if I was doing alright (I, shortly, said yeah). As if it couldn’t get any worse, he told me that he would be leaving an hour early so that him and his camp friend could go back to the friend’s house and hang out with their bird. It was then that I realized that he thought a fucking bird was more important than our relationship and everything that we had been through. So, I got up and left. He asked where I was going and I said that I had homework to do, looked him directly in the eye with exasperation and disappointment and left. After that, I sent him a text saying that we needed to talk about that night. No response, so I send it again a couple days later and still nothing. So. I sent him a couple angry paragraphs expressing my frustration and anger with him. He read it, didn’t respond, and blocked me on all of his accounts. We were finally done.

This afternoon, I realized that I had just been his accessory. I am a conventionally attractive, thin, white trans guy, and I think that he thought I would make him look good, so he could flex me on his friends. He manipulated me into thinking that my anger and fear was unjustified and that I was being unreasonable in every argument. I wasn’t. I was so in love with him that I blindly accepted everything and allowed him to manipulate me. He had me wrapped around his finger and I didn’t even know it. His best friend was also in on it, and played along with whatever he said. I think his manipulation tactics are one of the reasons that I forced myself to stop crying, because it put me in a position of weakness, and he made me think (whether this was intentional or not) that I was pathetic for crying and showing weakness because it wasn’t attractive, it wasn’t something an accessory should be showing. So I forced myself to stop crying, and can barely cry for more than 2 minutes to this day. He wasn’t the only reason, but he was a part of it. People told me about him, warned me about him, but I never listened. He wasted 3 years of my life, and I am so incredibly angry with him. He fucked up my relationship with myself, and the way I go about relationships with other people (romantic and platonic).

I hope he understands how fucking angry I am with him, and that I never want him to be a part of my life ever again. Fuck him, I hate him.

Currently listening to Harvey Milk Shit On The Table by Crywank.

#frog posts #updates

[missingteethblog]

04/25/2020 - 23:07

I finally had a day off today thank GOD. Work is exhausting me, they’re expecting me to work as if I’m a full time employee, when in reality I’m a part time, minimum wage student who’s trying to graduate this year. It’s very stressful and I’m getting really tired of it.

Crywank did a livestream concert this afternoon and even though it was only half an hour, it was incredible. James is really expressive when they play and you can really hear the emotion in their voice and in the way they play the guitar, it’s very beautiful. I tweeted about it and they replied to my tweet, and that honestly made my night. The bar for the fag is set so low LMAO oh lord. I’m also starting to think that Crywank is a hyperfixiation right now (I am very aware that this isn’t the appropriate word, but I don’t have any other accurate way to describe it). I learned how to play Welcome To Castle Irwell on the guitar today so I might fuck around and make a cover of it.

The Mondo Barbie Book Club groupchat is great so far. Everyone ordered copies of Mondo Barbie and once they all come in we’re legitimately going to be a book club. For Mondo Barbie. What a time to be alive. Everyone in the chat is so nice, I’m so glad it exists. Usually i hate groupchats because they overwhelm me and I never talk in them, but this one is pretty tame (I don’t wake up to like 100 messages) which means I can actually talk in it. It’s like we’re a tiny, underground family all brought together by this explicit and pornographic collection of Barbie short stories and analogies. Bizarre.

I really want to start writing songs, but I’m worried that my ideas will be seen as copying Crywank (and I really do not want that). Here’s a list of song ideas (directly copied from my notes app) that I have so far:

- The Worms’ Mass Burial Site (about purity as a child and having that destroyed as I got older - burying the dried up worms that my sister and I collected after a huge rainfall and burying them to honour them at 8 vs realizing it is a mass burial site at 18)

- Fuck You, Julia (as the name describes - talking about how my awful and shitty behavior gave me actual trauma over being called selfish (more specifically, my mom calling these episodes “the Thomas show” and saying that not everything’s about you))

- I Forgive You, Julia (or It’s Okay Julia, I Forgive You) (accepting who I used ti be as a result of gender dysphoria and being really mentally ill and forgiving my younger self)

I would love to call the first (or in general) album “A Very Crudely Drawn Self Portrait”, definitely fitting for the first album or EP. I even already have cover art that I drew at work for it. Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that’s why I make shit art on company time. Perhaps this is the beginning of a new era, or perhaps it’s just a fantasy that I will briefly live and then kill (like most things I do). I’m also starting to get back into visual art after a 3 year art block caused by depression and other mental health issues (but mainly depression).

The third floor of my house also smelled like weed today? For some reason? I haven’t smoked since 4/20, so maybe my sister was smoking some? I didn’t ask because I didn’t want her to tell my parents about it, so I guess it will forever be a mystery. My room vaguely smelled like weed, but not as strongly as the upper floor. Very bizarre. Really want to know where it’s coming from. 

Also had some wholesome interactions with a couple people on Omegle this evening; one person wanted to play me some songs which was very nice and calm, I talked to a throuple from Australia (which was awesome because I’m also polyam), and with someone with the same fetish as me. Overall terrible experience as usual (it’s 90% horny on there and I don’t understand it) but these interactions made it nice. :)

Currently listening to Pr8y Boi by Crywank on loop.

#frog posts #updates

[missingteethblog]

04/23/2020 - 20:50

The past few days have been really overwhelming, and also I forgot/didn’t have the motivation to write anything so here we are.

4/20 was great, the high wasn’t as terrifying as the last time, and during my high I apparently made the conclusion that I was in fact bi instead of gay and I wrote a whole note on my notes app about liking women as well as who I’m normally attracted to. When I read it (sober) in the morning I just thought “huh, well I’m not bi. what “ yeah it was a journey. Otherwise very chill night, very glad I wasn’t working the next day. I honestly don’t remember anything else from that day, or Monday and Tuesday for that matter. Wednesday was a shit show though.

Wednesday started off pretty okay, went to work and got scoffed at by a manager form another dept for literally no reason so that was great, make me anxious for the rest of the entire day. It was also my dad’ birthday, and I decorated the cake (sister saw I was decorating it, asked if she could just go and I said yes because I was almost done) and later that day my mom came upstairs and told us to do something more with the cake and I thought “well, I already did my part, my sister can do the rest” and by mom decided that me and my sister were arguing (she wanted me to help even though I literally did the majority of the cake) and so she started yelling at us for it which sent me into an anxiety attack (which my mom calls “shutting down”). When she told me that I needed to “snap out of it” and that I would “ruin dad’s birthday if I acted like this for the rest of the night” I just kind of snapped and told her that every single time I have “shut down” that I had been having an anxiety attack. Which made her stop calling it that (as she had been calling it that since I started having these episodes as a child. Anyways that was shit. That was ass. Cried about it for a little bit before vaping and feeling better.

 At NIGHT though, that’s when the “fun” began. I had to go to bed at 11pm (went to bed at 11:45 instead lmao) and instead of falling asleep, my brain decided to fixate on every single extremely graphic detail about everything I did while self harming, especially two particular incidents (tw graphic next part) where 1) I cut out a chunk of my flesh from the crook of my elbow which makes it impossible to get blood drawn from that arm anymore so it’s pretty bad and 2) when I cut really deep in my left forearm down past the veins (through, actually) down into the fat, and remembered (very graphically) sitting on my floor around all my stuff just squeezing around the cut so I could see the fat coming out of the cut. (tw over) Both of these disgusted my to the point where I could not fall asleep because of how awful and revolted I felt, because when you’re in that mindset (while using the coping mechanism) you don’t understand how fucked up and awful and disturbing the behaviour is until you look back on it once you’re out of that mindset (not using the coping mechanism anymore). That went on for about 2 hours before I checked my phone for the time and saw that Crywank was doing a livestream, so because I’m a faggot I watched it and they (James) responded to 4 of my comments and they were so sweet and the livestream was so good and calm (I watched it until it ended around 2:30am), and because they had interacted with 4 of my comments, and I (+ the people watching the stream) learned some things about When You Eat Yourself First Start with Your Head up Your Arse (that I won’t write about) and about them in general and it was so good I felt so much better afterward. Still didn’t fall asleep until 3:30am but I fell asleep on a much better note than very very graphic trauma. :)

Today was also shit. Got told my the meat dept manager that I wasn’t doing my job right (I was doing exactly as he told me to do) to which he corrected me by telling me to do exactly what I had been doing BEFORE he corrected me (about a month ago when I first started working as acting supervisor) which was incredibly frustrating. He seems to be pissed at me for zero reason. He also told me that I either had to come in earlier or stay at work later so that I can get the frozen and fresh loads and put them out. Earlier: the store opens at 7am, I get there at 8am and open and do everything and people are buying things from my dept, I cannot feasibly come in later than 8am. Later: believe it or not, I’m trying to graduate school during fucking quarantine right now and can’t put all my energy into work (which I am doing anyways!). So his response? To get passive aggressive with me and told one of his employees that she had to do my job since I can’t stay later than I’m scheduled. If you want me to behave like an actual supervisor, then I need to be paid the supervisor’s wage instead of my minimum wage. Bruh. I have also been working there for 3 months and am the only competent person working my dept right now. Anyways, that shit got me riled up and upset.

Later that afternoon I had a really long and deep conversation with my best friend (mostly me talking, which is abnormal). We talked about gender, the trans community, Crywank (me), what had happened on Wednesday night (me), weird nazi foot fetish porn that she found on pornhub, me simping for James (Crywank) like a faggot (which included me admitting that, since we have things in common that are kind of rare to find in other people, if we were closer in age )(they’re 12 years older than me) that we would definitely be at least mutuals I guess), my sex-repulsion and lack of sex drive, and our shared fetish. It was really nice, I definitely needed it because I felt a lot better afterwards. I don’t normally talk about myself and my problems because it makes me feel extremely self-centered and selfish (both of which are actual triggers of mine), but today I had a LOT of things I needed to talk about, so I talked about them and it was really relieving. 

Also figured out a quarantine project: I’m going to put all the Crywank albums on cassettes (I messaged them on twitter and they said that it was alright) and I’m really excited to do that!! Really looking forward to it. They’re also doing a livestream concert on Saturday and I’m really really really looking forward to it! :))

Currently listening to Cough Blood On The Moon Soon by Foot Ox.

#frog posts #updates

[missingteethblog]

The Art Of Drowning - Diego Maclean (2009)

#reblogs

[missingteethblog]

04/19/20 - 23:03

Last night I felt like absolute shit, super depressed and angry (because I didn’t have nicotine, finishing day 3 right now), felt like I was off prescribed meds, and as I was putting on my playlist to fall asleep to, I noticed that I had gotten an email from a gofundme I had donated to a while ago (to help Crywank reschedule their tour (it was a gofundme organized by Crywank) - as they’re a self-managed band and this was destroying their finances, and they’re my all time favourite band) I had only donated 5 pounds cuz it was all I could afford but yeah anyways I had forgotten about it until I got the email. And you know what the email was? It was a thank you for donating to the gofundme, and they gave me an early download link for their new and final album (it’s supposed to be released in 2 weeks) and so I downloaded it and spent the entire night listening to it it is incredible and I love it and it drastically lifted my mood. They have also interacted with 4 of my tweets. I am living, I have peaked.

Juice still isn’t here, supposed to get here tomorrow but I highly doubt it since that’s what it said last Thursday. I JUST WANT NIC, MAN!! At this point, I am definitely addicted, but it has stopped me from binge eating and from self harm, so say what you will but this is the safest way to consume nicotine. It also very tasty. Yum I love addiction.

Today I went for a walk with my friend (they just showed up at my door) and we walked around my elementary school’s neighbourhood and just talked about pointless shit. It ended up fucking POURING about 20mins away from my house, so as we were walking back I just talked about James Clayton (Crywank) and how much I’d simp for them. Through that convo I figured out my type: grungy, obscure/unconventional style, stoner/smoker, leftist, lanky, kind of genderqueer/gnc/masc-aligned but not fully masc. Weirdly specific but yeah I can see it. God I love people, they’re all just so beautiful. Too bad it’s quarantine lmao.

ALSO FINALLY FOUND MY DS AND POKEMON GAME. I finished a huge chunk of the game and now only have 2 major things left to do before I beat it. I think my team’s pretty fucking awesome: Primarina (64), Hippowdon (61), Salazzle (59), Vikavolt (62), and Tyranitar (60). Pretty fuckin great, I want Hippowdon to have more rock-type moves, and for one of them to have a grass type move or something but oh well, might train up my Tropius or something instead of Tyrannitar or Hippowdon, but Tyrannitar’s OG and Hippowdon’s a higher level hhhhggg bruhhh. This is such a dumb thing to be worrying about, I should be more worried about my 64 in chemistry LOL. Anyways I’m really happy to be getting back into Pokemon :).

Tomorrow is double 4/20 (04/20/2020), and I’m really hoping my high tomorrow isn’t going to be as terrifying as the one from Friday (with all the switching perspectives and stuff), but judging by my weed then probably not. Can’t wait to explore more planes!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Currently listening to **** **** ** ****** **** ***** by Crywank (it’s a currently unreleased song and I was instructed not to share anything with anyone so I have censored it. It is the last song on the album though and it’s so beautiful. All of the songs are beautiful. I <3 Crywank.

#frog posts #updates

[missingteethblog]

04/18/2020 - 21:26

Today has been rough. I was able to finish some schoolwork though, so I’m really happy about that (it wasn’t done WELL persay, but it was completed and that’s all that matters at this point). But not having any nicotine is really taking a toll on me, and since it acts as an antidepressant for me, it feels like I’m off meds or something, I’ve never even felt that with my actual prescribed medication. Everything is irritating and frustrating and I can’t stand talking to my family anymore.

I didn’t work today, which was nice. There’s going to be a lot of work to do tomorrow though, a huge frozen load came in today and the fresh load came in after I left on Friday, so I just know that tomorrow is going to suck. Can’t wait to get criticized for every little thing I do :DD! But all in all I’m really grateful to be able to work, I’m just so sick of being the only person in my dept right now. They’re also still paying me minimum wage instead of the supervisor’s wage, since I’m literally doing the supervisor’s job right now. It’s basically theft. But am I going to talk to my manager about it? Nope! Why? Because I am just too scared and I don’t want to inconvenience her.

Last night I got really high and had a horrible horrible first hour (as you can read in the previous update if you want to), but I went on the toons for stoners tumblr blog and watched some of the videos (which were all amazing to watch high, definitely doing it again on Monday night) and I was watching Malice in Wonderland when something happened halfway in the video and I immediately got so h*rny that it was nauseating, like it turned from an emotion to a primal instinct. It was terrifying but man best session ever. Everything just felt so good. I don’t like being called h*rny but that was a real h*rny moment, and it was especially amplified because I’m actually sex repulsed, so that it a feeling that I’m not used to. Scawy. 

Day 2 without nicotine. The juice should be coming in on Monday, but knowing the postal service + the pandemic it probably won’t be (even though it was supposed to come in Thursday night), so I’m really frustrated about that. Very upset that the vape stores are all closed because apparently they aren’t an essential service. There are so so many people like me who are addicted to nicotine because it feels like an antidepressant and who aren’t able to get their shit because of the shutdown and it just makes me upset. I need it , as pathetic as that sounds, it keeps me sane and tolerable and it allows me to tolerate my family. But man that first hit of nic on a fresh coil after a few days without it? That’s going to feel like heaven. I am very much looking forward to it.

Parents made me and my sister come downstairs at like 8:30pm to watch this international concert at home thing on YouTube and I hated every second of it. I know that they’re just trying to spend time together as a family but it took every ounce of energy I had not to snap. I love my family, but being stuck with them for quarantine + not having any nicotine made it so so much more difficult. I know that that makes me sound like some loser teenager whining about a 1st world problem, but I do not care lmao.

Currently listening to The Poured Boy of Kutna Hora by Crywank.

#frog posts #updates

[missingteethblog]

04/18/20 - 01:39

Everything might be weirdly written tonight because I’m high.

Today was ass. Did not like being at work, although i did get complimented on my work ethic which was nice! I’m just so glad I have the day off tomorrow. The juice still hasn’t come in, but hopefully it will have by tomorrow but most likely Monday.

Finished actual schoolwork today! I did a whole lab in small increments but still finished it  nonetheless, so I’m really happy about that. Did not like doing it but eet eez what eet eez. I hope that wasn’t too cringe lol XD :P

Watched a really good movie with tha fam tonight called “Where’d you go, Bernadette?” and it is so good, 10/10 recommend. It’s about a burnt out, mentally ill architect named Bernadette, she kinda reminds me of E. Anyways it’s very good.

Not a lot to write about today, other than my awful high tonight. i decided to smoke alone in my room because what else am I gunna do. And it ended up like this (copied a note I wrote while it was happening):

“I’m slipping in and out and in and out of first, second, and third person perspectives. Like when you’re reading a book and you immerse yourself in the book so much that you aren’t aware of your surroundings and then snap out of it? Well it’s like that but constant and forever. The third person one is my least favourite, the second person one is exactly where the music stuck in my head plays. It’s like I was floating in an infinitely wide room with super high dark pink (like flesh pink) ceilings (lighter than the sides) with a hexagonal pattern and to either side of me I could see James from Crywank (a still picture of them) cuz one of the songs that says “the universe will not give a shit” was stuck in my head at the time and just played while I was floating there and then floating down (or, out) to third and then forward/in the first it’s like switching perspectives in a dream except it’s between feeling like a dream and not feeling like a dream to feeling like the observer of what’s going on but simultaneously being part of it. it’s scary and weird and I don’t like it I hate it and yeah that’s all.”

Yeah it was awful, ESPECIALLY the physical sensations of switching through perspectives. I know  it sounds fake but it happened and it was so so real and I hated every second of it. I am now about to pass out because of the crash after consuming sativa strands. goodnight luv u xx

Currently listening to Collapse by IC3PEAK.

#frog posts #updates

[missingteethblog]

04/16/2020 - 21:08

Today was uneventful as usual because it’s quarantine. I told myself yesterday that I would do my schoolwork but I wrote one sentence and gave up lol. 

My mental health is getting worse and worse every day. I’m not in danger or anything (like, I’m not going to relapse into self harm), but I don’t feel any emotions anymore except for irritation at the smallest and most insignificant things. I still refuse to take my meds though because I know they won’t do jack shit. Everything is exhausting now. All the energy I have is going towards my part time job, which leaves almost nothing for the rest of the day. It’s driving me crazy. All I do all day is sit in my room, consume nicotine, and daydream about what my life is going to be after quarantine ends, and all that does is make me even more depressed and numb to what’s going on around me. I have reached my breaking point, and everything is trying to break through and make it worse. I can’t stand work anymore since I’m the only one working in my department and my supervisor can’t work. I have only been working there for 2.5 months and I have been tasked to run the entire department. I’m doing even more work than my supervisor normally does, and I’m being criticized for everything I do since apparently it’s wrong. I’m going to snap one day at work and I really don’t want to do that because it’s my only stable income that will allow me to move out. Yeah.

My mom told us about how she reached her breaking point today at the grocery store. My family never really shares these kind of things during dinner, but since we’re all going through a collective trauma it’s kind of necessary to talk about it. I felt really bad (even though I had no reason to). I kind of opened up about what I’ve been going through as we were cleaning up after dinner, but it was barely anything. They don’t know about my meds. They don’t know about my nicotine consumption. They don’t know about the weed in my room that I plan on smoking on Saturday. They don’t know about the almost 300ml of vape juice that I’m getting tomorrow after work. They barely know anything about me. This is an incredibly selfish paragraph. 

I also daydreamed today about buying a kalimba after I deposit all my cash into my bank account and doing Crywank covers. The big goal is to cover Now I’m Sad (Boo Hoo) outside in front of the creek and film it and be really happy with it. Hopefully I can order it tomorrow so it comes in on Monday. That, the juice, and the Crywank livestream next weekend are the only things keeping me going right now. I don’t know what I would do without things to look forward to. 

The juice is supposed to arrive tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to it, as I’m on my last 1ml of juice right now. Mmmm nicotine, what would I do without you. Really want to buy a tab of acid and trip, been thinking about it since I did it for the first time on Dec 23 2019. God that was so much fun. Really miss watching trippy videos and trying to assign colours and flavours to every letter of the alphabet. I want to do molly someday, I’ve heard that that is really fun (except for the crash after). My parents would be so disappointed in me if they knew who I really was.

Currently listening to Zains, Cam4, Wah Wah, and Sirens by Crywank.

#frog posts #updates

[missingteethblog]

04/15/2020 - 18:42

I fucking hate quarantine. I just want to go back to school and see my friends. i haven’t experienced any physical affection in a longer period of time than I can keep track of, and because I’m really physically affectionate, I am suffering.

Got to work at 8am after like 6hrs of sleep, it was alright, I work as a seafood dept clerk so there was almost nothing to do except cleaning things. Someone wanted lobsters, so I had to fish (lol) two of them out of the corners of the tank. They’re all really sad and angry and scared and I always feel incredibly bad whenever I look at them even though there’s nothing I can do to help them :( which sucks. Relatable tho. God is the seafood clerk and I am the lobster in the lobster tank. My lunch break was the same as every day; buy a sandwich and a drink and go outside and vape by my car. Listened to I Am in Great Pain Please Help Me, Hate, When You Eat Yourself First Start with Your Head up Your Arse, Jk, and Pope Alexander by Crywank and playing a mobile game. Very chill. Very sad.

The conversation at dinner was really stressful and there was a lot of yelling (which is super unusual). My sister wants her bf to move in with us for quarantine and my parents ended up saying no to it (because they’re both 16 and they’re mad uncomfy with it and so am I), which sparked a lot of anger in my sister, understandably. She was yelling at my parents and my parents were calmly trying to explain their reasoning, and I interjected a little bit when she told them that she can’t handle three months before hugging her bf (they’re strictly following the social distancing rules, which kind of surprised me) by saying that three months is going to go by a lot faster than you think, you can do this. And she told me that I didn’t understand because I had never had to do it (which is wrong, I have had to do it several times with LDRs, but I’ve just never told my family), and that went back a forth for a little bit with me reassuring her that three months isn’t long and then her telling me that I didn’t understand what it felt like before my mom stopped her and said some god-tier shit. She told my sister that I did, in fact, understand, because I have been waiting months at a time for several years for appointments, for the hospital, for surgeries, and for surgeries that have been on hold for quarantine that I can’t get until the clinics reopen, and that my entire life is on hold right now because the surgery that I need is major and life-changing. So, yes, your brother DOES understand what it’s like, and you can’t put down his experiences because they don’t align with yours. After she said that I had a really hard time trying not to smile because it was just so? powerful? and yeah go mom. Anyways when me and my sister were cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, I told her that I understand that she’s upset, but that she can’t talk to us (my family) like she had at the dinner table (it was a very long, argumentative conversation), when she proceeded to be passive aggressive and quietly angry before my dad (who never even raises his voice) yelled at her. Which was scary. Cleaning up the kitchen was a weird experience tonight.

I was going to work on schoolwork, but I get off regular work at noon tomorrow so I’m going to dedicate that afternoon to school. Tonight I think I’m going to try to smoke a bowl (probably won’t be able to if we’re being honest) and vape in my room while listening to Crywank. Probably going to watch another horror movie, maybe Midsommar again. I only have 1 day left of vape juice left, so hopefully the stuff I ordered will be here on Friday (!), I got 4 bottles for 60$ off Kijiji (100ml: pink lemonade; 60ml: strawberry farm cake (idk what that means), sour ghost (fruity flavour), and Onix (also don’t know what that means)). I’ll probably do a juice review once they get here and I change the coil on my mod, Right now the juice I have tastes like warm peach yoghurt and I don’t know how to feel about it. 

Currently listening to Drippy Droopy Pigeonhole by Crywank.

#frog posts #blog