missingnathan
Missing Nathan...
A mother's way of coping with the death of her child.
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Life finds a Way
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Changes
There's been a lot going on...mentally that is. I can't seem to turn it off. My sleep tends to be optional...like now for instance, I've been up since 3:30 AM, and I came to bed at around 1:30 AM so only rested for two hours. I didn't get to actually sleep as my 2-year-old had woken up around 11:30 PM and didn't go back to sleep till 1:30 or so and woke up with me. She just fell asleep and instead of taking advantage of the time, I can't seem to keep my eyes shut.
My mind is racing at 1,000 mph with all these different ideas whether they are art-related, memories of Nathan, or just plain suicide idealations. Don't worry...I am not brave enough to pull through with it...I know that taking those actions would really hurt my kids and I wouldn't do that to them. Besides, I'd rather take the hurt and pain for them any day or time.
I am just trying to understand myself again...I want to live again and do things that make me happy. I just feel like I am coasting numbly through life at the moment.
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I sometimes watch shows or the news where a mother witnesses the moment their child is murdered or when their body is being carried away…my heart hurts and I wonder if they are lucky to have been able to see their child take their last breath or am I lucky to have not witness what happened?
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Sitting, waiting, losing patience…
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It’s been 4 months and a day since I’ve posted anything but a lot has been going on. We celebrated Nathan’s birthday on April 19th and he loved it…at least in my heart I know he did.
The days have gotten better but there isn’t a day I don’t miss him our conversations. His music is always played and heard on a daily basis. I love you Nathan…with all my heart. 🖤
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Prayer or something like it...
God, Jesus, or whatever God will relent I could use some attention right now. I have been carrying a lot of weight on my shoulders for more than two years and my heart is heavy. My body is fragile. My spirit is broken and my faith is questionable. I’m so lost right now there are so many things I need to figure out but I’m also trying not to break. I bend over backwards and I know my resiliency, but I don’t know how much more I can take.
I’m tired of waking up every morning wondering if my life is worth it or if it has meaning. I’m tired of contemplating the easy way out and I’m tired of fighting the constant urges for fighting for my life while I know other lives depend on me. 
Give me the strength and courage to find in myself that my life has meaning and that I am worth more than what I accept from other people.
Bless it be ❤️🩹

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The month that changed our lives forever…still contemplating on my outing and the need to leave this place.
I’m just so tired of the constant need that everyone depends on me while I’m trying to catch a break has made things difficult for me.
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I’m really trying to live with out you but it’s been so hard.
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Music
I started to listen to music again...not that I had stopped, but it wasn't the same anymore after you eft.
It hits differently now, but I am starting to listen again, not just using it as background noise or hearing it.
I even started playing guitar again...or trying to play again.
Sometimes it feels like I am slowly crawling out of the dark from which I have been hiding, but no one has noticed.
I still feel guilty because you are not here, and I am.
I miss you...I miss you every day.
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It’s been a long while since I’ve typed anything on this page.
I originally opened it with the pure intention of expressing myself from the loss of Nathan but I’ve been terrible at it. It’s become hard for me to express my feelings nowadays..I’m better giving advice and helping others before myself even with this loss.
I’ve decided to stop posting directly on my social media and stick to just using this platform. I guess this will help me focus on myself a bit more than what the world perceives to be or wish it would be.
To another day surviving without you…
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I can't anymore...I can't function, and I can no longer lie to myself or those who love me. How and when does it get easy? There are so many things wrong with me, but I have chosen to ignore them until now.
I can't sleep at night thinking of that fucking call that has destroyed my life, my heart and mind.
I ignore all calls cause I'm too chicken shit to answer, thinking I will break.
I can't visit his grave cause it's a constant reminder of all this being true, and the pain gets worse.
I wish I was me again...full of life, always wanting to create, and sing loudly to my favorite songs but even those destroy me because I use to sing them to you.
I hurt silently every day...I’m not okay, and it isn't fine. I sometimes wish that I don't wake up from my sleep just knowing that the pain would finally stop. I’d rather keep my eyes closed.
I'm not selfish. I won't hurt my babies I love them to much to make them think for one second that my time of weakness and craving to leave this world is worth more than them cause it isn't.
I miss him so much it hurts, and I feel that the longer I keep breaking, then less chance I have to recover.
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Time passes but nothing changes...
I didn't realize how long it has been since I actually posted anything. Six months have passed and nothing has much changed just the lingering emptiness that tends to grow every day.
Missing his sarcastic texts or his need for mom motivational speeches or hearing his enthusiasm when he learned a new song or chord, or how this world is worth living in and how he would change it...or at least mine.
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#mourning #rememberingnathan #nathanpastrana #alwaysinourhearts #11212020 https://www.instagram.com/p/CWf8joMgIxx/?utm_medium=tumblr
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Thank you all for those who have reached out and are curious to know what happened to @nano498 - Nathan. In just about a week and 5 days my son will have a year since he’s been taken from us. Unfortunately, he was murdered while at work. Another of his co-workers passed away at the scene and 2 others were injured. If you want to read more about it you can Google “Bellevue Sonic Shooting” this incident went nation and we are still not close to recovering from this loss. I also started a blog to help me cope with his loss, you can find the link in my bio. Nathan was and will always be remembered as a selfless, loving, free spirited, respectful, talented old soul. He was harmless…loved to help and lighten up anyones day with either a motivational speech or even just a silly joke. He has so many friends from different age ranges some he grew up with and some he worked with but no matter what he always stayed in touch one way or another. He is and will always be remembered by those who knew him. Forever in our hearts. #rememeringnathan #nathaninourhearts #nathanpastrana https://www.instagram.com/p/CWFXeBOgcwY/?utm_medium=tumblr
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As the closing day comes to an end for day of the dead, we say farewell to our loved ones and hope they still come and visit us in our dreams, in our thoughts, but most of all in our hearts. Had to bring him some Taco Bell before he gets mad at me. 🌮 #diadelosmuertos2021 #marigolds #tacobell (at San Benito City Cemetery) https://www.instagram.com/p/CVzBBO9gip4/?utm_medium=tumblr
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