minotaurblood

[minotaurblood]

there's some things you really can't talk about with anyone. and so they just continue growing and festering

[minotaurblood]

thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.

#god

[minotaurblood]

i really do need to learn how to be more stoic and chill i can't believe i had such a bad freakout yesterday in reaction to some family members making fun of me together. like instantly transported to being 13 years old again. it felt horrible just like it did then but why did i go completely off the rails. such an overreaction to something i should not let affect me especially at this age

#vastly prefer when i'm too depressed to do anything beyond the absolute minimum level of survival. including feeling unnecessarily #cannot wait for summer depression. release me

[minotaurblood]

12pm vs 9pm

#🦇

[minotaurblood]

[minotaurblood]

sometimes one somehow deludes themselves to into thinking one isn't severely off-putting and probably very repulsive (visually speaking) to the general public, so coming out of a 'phase' like that can appear as quite debilitating

#not even plastic surgery could fix this mess

[minotaurblood]

[minotaurblood]

straight up. i don't see why i have to suffer this much trying to decide what to do with my (academic) career, trying to find a job, deciding between switching majors or dropping out and starting an apprenticeship... when i'm going to dip out as soon as certain criteria are met and there's an opportunity. why do i have to bear this when it's all just temporary anyway and a way to fill the time before i can leave. how is this fair

the only benefit in it is the slim chance of switching to a lifestyle that affords me the financial means to move far away, to make it easier on my family. even then, the thought of the amount of time that alone would take is already physically unbearable. it's not like i have done anything horrible. so why can i not just leave? instead of enduring what is essentially a punishment for something i have not done

[minotaurblood]

updating my selfie tag for the first time in 1 year and 8 days

#🦇

[minotaurblood]

is it just me or is each week getting harder to get through

[minotaurblood]

people need to stop making me talk about nebulous concepts like "next year" and pulling promises for the future out of me before i actually drop to my knees on the street one of these days

#i need to develop better control over my physical reactions and facial muscles especially in the face of violent despair

[minotaurblood]

if anyone wanted to kidnap me i'd just be grateful at this point

#get me out of here mannnnnnnn

[minotaurblood]

at this rate i think i could basically be human by the end of the year

#funny

[minotaurblood]

i want to change my majoooooor except that would be a waste of time since what i really want is to drop ooouuuuuuuuuut except that would be a waste of time since what i actually want is to drop out of LIFE

[minotaurblood]

honestly the human brain is so small that you *will* forget how much beauty there is out there to experience unless you leave your house every three days. ik its fucked up but i promise its true

#convinced people are just making these things up at this point #like where is it

[minotaurblood]

can't believe the day is finally over the amount of times i was this close to just bursting into tears... national hero. i must've looked insane sitting there with bloodshot eyes just repeatedly tearing up for no reason

[minotaurblood]

i was wondering where the complete and utter university-related suicidal despair was since it's been surprisingly mild, considering. there it is! just had to wait for art history classes to start a week later than my other ones

#nothing makes you feel more competent in your element at ease and qualified than a major that doesn't and likely has never fit you #yet which you keep dragging along like dead weight