merccurious

[merccurious]

i hope you find peace, friendship, happiness, and everything you’ve ever dreamed of. i hope you know you are so loved. i hope you know how much you matter. i hope you never give up on your dream. i hope that you live to see another day. i hope you know you’re worth more than the stupid opinions of others. i hope you know that there is beauty and strength in every fibre of your being. i hope you know that you are not alone, and that i will always be here for you.

[merccurious]

When my Anxiety Took Over my Tumblr

hi there reader, i’m dhea’s anxiety. today, i will take over her tumblr for a while because she’s just don’t have anything to write.

i've seen her operating this thing a while ago but i'm not sure how is it going... i hope i won't blow up her mac because she's going to get rid of me for sure if i did.

oh, where is dhea, if you might ask?

if you’re curious. she’s fine. she’s just not here—technically. she’s inside; sitting in the corner of her mind. she loses it a few weeks ago. i know, i know, it’s all because i decided to showed up in the middle of nowhere and take over her mind. but please bear with me for a few minutes okay? it’s actually kinda lonely there—in the corner of her mind, i mean. she definitely put me there for a few months and i can see that she’s happier. but i got bored just sitting around the corner, so i fight her self-esteem and voilá! here i am.

dhea is gonna be okay. she knows it. she just don’t wanna fight back like she used to do. she actually let me control her. and that is the strange part. she didn’t do anything to wipe my ass from her mind like she used to do. i mean… she used to clean her room all day, going to extra work (i hate this one because her mind gonna be so tired and it doesn’t even have time for my shit so she’s gonna go to sleep after those long days of work), listening to the full album of john mayer, go to a therapist and talk for hours, consume all those sleeping pills & anti-depressant stuff to make her sleep a little longer, going to some solo trips to some cities and burn all her savings just to get rid of me. but this time… she’s just sitting there calmly and watch me took over her mind. at some point, i’m so happy to having her mind without any distractions. but it still feel weird.

what did i do to dhea? oh, not a biggie. sometimes, i’m just gonna popped all the bad memories about her parents’ divorce, her dad death, her bullies on middle school, her boyfriend’s betrayal, her failure at work, etc. then i’m gonna go with constant what ifs; made her thought that the world might be the better place without her. or maybe, if she’s disappeared, she didn’t have to feel any of this painful shit in her life. and she’s going to cry herself until 4am, then get up at 6am to go to work. where am i when she’s in the office? oh, i’m still there but she’s trying so hard to hide me. that’s why you always saw her as a very happy woman after everything she’s been thru. jokes on you.

i usually showed up at weekend. that’s why dhea ALWAYS prefer to stay at home on the weekend. because on the weekend, she don’t have any energy to hide me. what did she do when i showed up? usually, she’s just stare blankly at her room with a lot of thoughts. or sometimes, she forced herself to cry by listening to some sad songs or read some sad books, or watching some sad movies to release all these emotions. 

you know why i always have to consume her mind? that’s because a lot of trauma inside of her and she’s too afraid to try another new things—and i’m the one who did it. you know why she’s stop covering songs in her soundcloud? because i made her think that her voice isn’t that good and when people find her page they’ll just gotta mocking her. you know why she always—i mean, ALWAYS, find redflags on every guy who’s trying to be with her? because i made her think that all those guys are just gotta left her so she need to pushed them away before they did it to her. you know why she’s always bottled up her emotions in front of everyone? because i made her think that her feeling wouldn’t matter and they’ll end up laughing at you.

all her trauma makes me consume her mind almost everyday.

even i really like to do that, i really hope she can fight me. consuming her mind for most of times makes me quite tired because it feels like a lot of work. i hope she’ll find the reassurance & help she needs without the need to consume the pills. 

dhea if you’re reading this, i just gotta let you know that even you’re hating me so much & you’ve been trying to get rid of me in a thousand ways possible , i DO really hope that someday in the future i’m gonna retired from consuming your life while sitting in the corner of your mind while watching you being happy with your life.

and i hope that time gonna come sooner.

stay strong, warrior.

okay that’s it from me. dhea is going to get herself together so i have to hide again. thank you for reading, pals. i hope i won’t see you guys again. love ya!

Regards,

Dhea’s Anxiety.

[merccurious]

color my life with the chaos of trouble

yes, the tittle is a quote from my favorite movie of ALL time; (500) days of summer.

last weekend i really don't have anything to do so i jump into disney+ to watch (500) days of summer. i don't know why but my mind actually thinking about this movie lately.

fyi, every time i watch this movie, i'm gonna sobbing my eyes out. like literally. i'll cry 'till my eyes getting red and puffy.

i know some of you might think that this movie is just a another romcom, but for me it's not. this movie somehow relatable. i fell too deep into the character development; especially tom. like i can feel his heart aching when summer ended it all, how he mend his own heart and get himself together, moving on and getting over summer, until he finally feel something again to autumn. i don't know why but at some point in our life, we can be tom and even summer without even realizing it.

above all, i love everything in this movie. i mean, the color tone on every scene (bless my eyes with their aesthetic kinda tone), the scenery (they put a lot of city views here and i love it), the soundtrack (this movie actually has a loooot of cool songs especially the smith & the temper trap), the plot, etc. this movie is not that kind of romcom you can get over in just one night, but you'll always wanna comeback to this no matter how many romcom you've ever watched.

And this movie can give you a very valuable reason about life : the importance of see things from what actually happened, not the idea that happened in your own head.

okay that sounds complicated...

the shorten is : denial.

i know, denial is the thing we will absolutely do when we're in love. we tend to close our eyes from every possible (or even the actual) red flags in someone when we're fall for them. but sometimes, denial can bring you into the deepest and darkest heartbreak you've ever been.

anyway, in the movie, we can see that tom actually starting to fall for summer when they're on the lift and summer complimenting tom about his taste of music (she actually also love the smith like tom did) and voilá, tom just fall head into heels to summer. he thought that summer IS the one.

as the time goes by, tom getting to know summer. and there comes the truth; summer don't wanna be anyone's anything (the best bullshit someone could possibly say to anyone). tom who's fall for summer deny it and keep going with "just friend" or "we don't need a label for things we do as long as we're happy" (while hooking up to each other, duh) and thinking, maybe, there's a part of summer that actually love tom like he did to her and wishing a happy ending with her.

this is when things getting f-ed up.

tom actually fall in love with the idea of summer. the idea of she also fall in love with tom. while forget the fact that summer actually made it clear to him a dozen times that she didn't wanna be with him as a couple. tom was so afraid of this reality so he made a big bubble of imagination that summer actually love him back when actually she's just having fun.

at some point in the movie, tom was so afraid to ask summer about their status because he's afraid he'll lose what they "had" those past few months. and this is a major sign of denial.

"it's obvious. you're just afraid you'll get an answer you don't want; which will shatter the illusions of how great this past few months have been." Rachel to Tom.

i'm 100% sure that all of tom's friend (and also tom) can see the fact that summer didn't love him. but because things going wayyy to great between them, he shut his eyes and chose to living in some kind of fantasy that she might actually love him to when she clearly don't.

i can't blame tom for feeling those kind of feeling. as a fellow hopeless romantic kinda person, i actually can fall in love that easy too. i can fall for someone because they also love john mayer & listening to PREP. or because they know that Fiji Blue is not just a mineral water brand but a band. and in tom case, tom and summer actually get along easily since summer knows and into tom's favorite things. i have to admit that i also will falling head over heels to a guy version of summer. but this thing can't legitimate what he did. he knows and aware that summer don't wanna be in some kind of romantic relationship with him. but he insisted. like he wanna be the best guy possible for summer to make her love him.

but he can't.

there's a quote from instagram that saying "being the best you can, still can't change someone" and it happened to tom. he might grab the moon in the palm of his hand yet summer gotta had the audacity to tell him 'i don't ask you tho'.

and we can't actually blame summer for tom's heartbreak. i mean, it doesn't fair. i agree that what summer did to tom is actually brutal and barbaric. but since the very beginning, she actually made it clear that she don't wanna be with him as a couple. she just wanna be friends. and tom have every rights to walk away when he can.

but again, can you walk away when everything seems really great even when you can predict the ending of it?

watching 500 days of summer actually feels like watching my own life. how i fall for someone that easy, how i try to impress him, how i imagine my future with him... and forget that it just happened in my head.

i can love him with all i had, i can be the best he'd ever had, but if he didn't want me, he just gonna throw it to the ocean and go.

sometimes, loving someone means opening your eyes widely. because in the end of the day, YOU are the one who's gonna love you unconditionally.

[merccurious]

Self reflecting

Some people thought they are already living their best life just by the things we can see; their job, their status, the approximate of their achievement, the amount of money they had, etc. but can we actually see the things beyond them such as their mental stability & their personal happiness by called out those things?

i don't think so.

Because if it did, we won't see any news about how a wealthy people k*lld themself because of all the pressure around them. or about a super famous figure just got d*pr*ssed because some tiny gossips that happened a long time ago.

And it happened to me.

For me, having a stable mental health is really matter. because when we have a stable mental, the possibility of achieving happiness gonna be really big. because we actually recognize who we really are and what's matter for us, right?

but then again, it's just my opinion after all.

by the way, i've moved to another department. I'm not longer an HR. And by moving from this department, i feel like there's a big difference & changes around me and my life. And i just realize some of them are the things i should've done from a long time ago-for the sake of myself.

as an example, since i moved from HR, my eating schedule just getting better. i won't feel that kind of massive headache for the rest of the day because i eat properly. I actually can spare my time to eat my breakfast without the urge to turn on my computer and doing some tasks while eating my breakfast; or even eating my breakfast with some kind of annoying interruptions from some people.

I know it sounds really strange to hear or watch someone eating while working but trust me, i've done it for more than a year. back to the time when i was an HR, my time will always dedicated for work and i don't have any time for my self (even on the weekend or my days-off). i can describe it starting from my breakfast time. fyi, my office hour started from 8 am. but... everyday, before the time actually hits 8 am, my phone will always ringing and they will actually asked me some unnecessary question. so i'm gonna starting to eat while typing or searching some data for their question.

but, it doesn't happen anymore.

And the most relieving thing that happened lately, i finally get enough sleep.

god.

i know it sounds like a bare minimum but it seriously feels like a miracle for me. i feel like finally people around me treat me like a decent human-being that have their own limits and not trying so hard to pushing it until i lost myself.

i'm so happy to feel this way and i told my new co-worker about this.

h : him / m : me

m : i've forgot when was the last time i feel so happy like this

h : what makes you happy?

m : this. having a boss who actually understand me and actually help me to be better, having some co-workers who actually thoughtful and willing to help me when i can't even do things for myself, having an actual time to rest or eat without worrying about anyone who's waiting on me. i mean... this feels so good. how can you guys do it all along?

h : umm... you are just clearly describe how the work life should be. like all we did here is just the things people should do in their work life. it's the least things every people can do; treat people as a human no matter what's your position in this office.

And i just realize how much i've been glorifying all the bare minimum in my life.

As a human, it's really normal to have such a peaceful time of breakfast; because it simply how to actually starting your day. And as a human, it's really normal to have such a decent & uninterrupted sleep because it just how we rest after a long day we've been thru. But most of us can't simply get that because it can make us losing some things that quite important for our life-in my case, it's a job.

But isn't it feels ironic to know that we are all willing to trade all those normalcy that perhaps can give us a long time of happiness for some temporary things that also just can give us a temporary happiness?

We can have a stable job with a stable salary, but we lost our time trying to please people we don't like. and at the end of the day, it's gonna drowned us into a deep hole of stress and numbness. we lost our peace because we're so afraid of some people think about us. we're so afraid to chasing our dream because the things we did now is actually the things that can offer us a "stability" people expecting of.

we're desperately desired to feeding some people ego yet we're forget that we also have someone we should taking care of; our own self.

[merccurious]

That Kinda Song that Will Actually Tear Me Apart & Crying Over It for 2 Hours

Saturday sunset We're lying on my bed with five hours to go Fingers entwined and so were our minds Crying, "I don't want you to go"

You wiped away tears But not fears under the still and clear indigo You said "Baby, don't cry, we'll be fine You're the one thing I swear I can't outgrow"

My mother said the younger me was a pretending prodigy Well, nothing then, much has changed 'Cause while you're wolfing down liquor My soul, it gets sicker

But I'm sticking to the screenplay Gotta say I'm okay But answer this, babe

How is it now that, somehow, you're a strangеr? You were mine just yеsterday I pray the block in my airway dissipates And instead deters your airplane's way

But heaven denied Destiny decried Something beautiful died Too soon

But I'm letting go I'm giving up the ghost But don't get me wrong I'll always love you That's why I wrote you this very last song

I guess this is where we say goodbye I know I'll be alright Someday, I'll be fine But just not tonight

Plunging into all kinds of diversions Like blush wine and sonorous soirées But even with gin and surgin' adrenaline I see you're all that can intoxicate

Oceans and engines You're skilled at infringin' on great love affairs Cause now my heart's home All I've known is long gone and ten thousand miles away And I'm not okay

But I'm letting go I'm giving up the ghost But don't get me wrong I'll always love you That's why I wrote you this very last song

I guess this is where we say goodbye I know I'll be alright But just not

Tonight was the first time I stared into seas of beguiling sepia Two years ago And the first time I learned real world superpowers Lived in three words They revitalize my fraying bones, oh

Now what do you do when your pillar crumbled down You've lost all solid ground Both dreams and demons drowned And this void's all you've found And doubts light it aglow

I have so many questions But I'm pouring them into the ocean And I'm starting up my engine

And I'm letting go I'm givin' up your ghost It's come to a close I marked the end with this last song I wrote I'm letting go This is the last falsetto I'll ever sing to you My great lost love

From : NIKI - Oceans & Engines

[merccurious]

A Little Notes For the Love of My Life

Hi Pap,

How’s up there? 

It’s September, 10th 2022. 12 years, 4 months, and 26 days since you left. There’s a lot of things you missed here. But i know you’re watching us up there. 

Again, how’s up there? Did you eat your favorite food? Meeting your forever idol; utha likumahuwa? Did you just vibbin’ with him up there? Did you met god? Whatever you did there, i’m sure you’re doing just fine. You’re surely happier up there, right?

Pap, i’m gonna giving you some recaps about our life down here. I hope i won’t missed some important things. Okay, here we go :

Mom was remarried. I got another little sister who’s 17 years younger than me & i magically loved her so much. I lived with Mama until the end of my SHS then move to Malang to take International Relations’ Degree—please don’t be mad since i can’t be a doctor like you wished for. I’ve been in a relationship with 2 guy all my life. I got my degree after 4 years of struggling with uni’s life and the dramas theeen i got my very first official (and legal) job as a banker. This year, i’m gonna turned 26 and i haven’t married yet. Oh also now, i lived by myself in the middle of nowhere.

Before you get mad, i’m 10000% aware that there’s a lot of things that out of your plans. I’m so sorry Pap. But i can give you some logical reason why i chose this path but it’s gonna take a very long time so i just hope you’ll understand why i chose this way. And even i’m still so far away from making you proud, i hope i don’t disappoint you.

Pap, tbh, it’s really hard to grow up without you. I really don’t know what to do when i was grow up; plus, i got 2 sisters who’s looking up to me. Since Diva also don’t have you, she’ll looking up for me as her guide to be an adult. And i surely don’t have any clue how to be the best adult she can looked up to. Until this day, i’m still figuring out about everything. Sometimes, i asked myself “what would Papa said if i chose this one?”.

Pap, sometimes i really have no idea what to do. There’s so many time i wished i can just disappear or even be with you up there but then i remember that you were not raise a quitter; you shaped me into a survivor.

But still, this is hard.

You know the worstw part of all? the fact that i’m starting to forget you. I started to forget the sound of your voice, the smell of your skin, and even the color of your hair. But the thing is, don’t want to forget you, pap. That’s why i kept all of your photos in my wallet. So when i started to forget your face, i just had to look at you photos; oh, that’s your eyes, that’s your lips, and so on. At some point in my life, i also bought your favorite parfume; so i can remember your signature scent.

Pap, even you’ve been gone, i really wanna say thank you. Thank you for all the lesson. Thank you for all the things you’ve done. I know you have been thru a lot yet you were still be able to raise me after all. You’ve done great, Pap. And i wished you’ve been found your eternal happiness up there. Because you deserve it.

You deserve all the good things life can possibly offer. 

Until we meet again, Pap.

[merccurious]

Just some day where i feel really sad & empty

Isn't it feels great to be wanted?

When even you think you are not good enough, they makes you feel otherwise. When all your crankiness just turns into a big smile after you saw them. When all your problem is not something that makes you looks weak, but it makes you human for them. When your voice makes them feel better.

Isn't it feels feels great to be the remembered?

When they absolutely remember what's your favorite food, your favorite song, your favorite color, or even your hobby? they constantly do the things you like because they know it makes me happy. And magically, it also made them happy.

Isn't it feels great to be the only one?

When there's a plenty of chances and reasons they can actually left, but they always holding on to a reason to stay; they just simply loves you. Even when he hates your grumpiness, your clumsy habit, or even your taste of music, they still chose you over anything.

Isn't it feels great to be chosen everyday? To have someone who's really stay by your side even if they have been saw every flaws that you have and they are not running.

Isn't it feels great to be loved?

When you know clearly that someone really loves you. They do need your existence in their life. They're constantly shows you that you are matters and it actually makes you feel everything is gonna be okay if you still have this person beside you.

Isn't it feels great to be a home instead of an escape place?

[merccurious]

a love letter for my (future) husband

out of loneliness & dizziness because all this work thingy, i decide to write a love letter. to someone i don’t even know yet. this is quite challenging bcos actually i had no idea what kind of person he’s gonna be lol. but let’s use this as a manifestation for my future husband, shall we?

okay here we go.

do you know when i wrote this, i was just reminiscing all the good (and bad) journey we’ve been thru all along? all the fights, all the tears, all the laughs… and i actually can’t believe that we’re still got each other’s back until this exact seconds. even to go thru this point, we actually hold ourselves to not stab each others on daily basis lol.

at this opportunity, i would like to say how blessed i am to have you in my life. thank you for being the one who i can rely on everyday. who notices my puffy eyes after crying in silence for 2 minutes in the car before coming home. who's always attentively listening to my crappy day when he also had his own crappy day at work. who's always help me on laundry & the dish. who's never complain about my mood swing (you actually turns it into a jokes😭). who's never complain about my laziness every weekends. who's never complain about my taste of music or movie. who's actually woke up in the middle of the night when he realize that i also awake because all my anxiety and manage to hug me until i go back to sleep. who loves everything i cook (no matter how weird it taste). and above all, who can be a home i always coming back everyday.

to be honest, somehow i feel like i don’t deserve you. you are just too good and probably you deserve so much better than me. but each day, you always show me that you’ll always chose me no matter what i did. and the feeling of being chosen by you is the best feeling i’ve ever felt in my entire life.

so, after all, i just wanna appreciate all the things you’ve done for me & tell you how much i love you. i would actually trade the world for those goofy smile of yours everyday. i hope, as the time goes by, your love will always grow eternally for me.

because i do.

[merccurious]

(Short of) Nagging About Life

As we're growing up, there's a lot of thing we realize in life. some fact we never knew when we were a kid such as : stars in the night sky are actually a groups of planets, Australia actually bigger than the moon, Petrichor is the earthy scent produced when rain falls on dry soil (yes, they had a name), there's no snow in Indonesia because we're a tropical country (this fact actually makes me cry when i was 5), and another random facts that actually blowing our mind and opening our eyes when we're grow up. and by time, we also realize some hard pills to swallow : as we're grow up, we also outgrown some things (and some people, i might add) in our live. one of them is our dream.

As far as i can remember, when i was a kid, i really want to be an anchor. it came out when i watch the news every morning with my dad before he took me to school, i think it's really fascinating to sit in front of the camera with such a decent suit and pretty makeups + hairdo while delivering some important news to everyone in the world. my dad who's ever became a radio anchor for some time in his uni's life, totally supported my dream. he bought me a lot of magazine (bobo & girls, two of my faves mags back then) so i can practice my writing skills. he also took me into a modeling class (yes, i never told a single living soul about this because i think it was so embarassing). i was also involved in some kind of "mading groups" when i was on elementary school. this dream just go on until the beginning of junior high school. but as the times goes by, i think i didn't suit the requirements of being an anchor. mostly because i though i wasn't pretty enough to be seen on TV back then. so, i change my dream; i want to be a story-teller.

Yes, a storyteller. i'd love to read a lot of children books, a fairytale, and so on. i also love to write some short story back then & actually send them to some magazines, but it didn't worked out well. and back then, my teenage soul just can't resist the rejection so i chose not to write anymore. i thought i simply not talented enough in this one so i chose to gave up.

Move forward to my last year on junior high school. Since i lost my dad on 2010, i don't like to hang out like i used to. Some parts of me just lost him and blaming myself because i was too busy with my friends and i don't have a lot of time for him. i was so busy glamouring my teenage life and forget to actually saw his suffering. more or less, i thought he was gone because of me. so i shut myself and find anything new to love (since all those writing things just reminds me of him). And i found design... I love to design things like postcards, scrapbooks, and a simple invitation for my own satisfaction. after that, i'd love to designing a room (thanks to the sims) and some wedding dress. beside that, i'd love to collecting some playlist in my iPod back then for any mood i'm in. so i decide, it's probably feels really good to be a wedding consultant and have my own wedding organizer, right? i can design the whole things of someone's big day (even the music!). it makes me feel important to actually arranging someone's big day of their lifetime...

But yeah, to living our dream, we also had to remember that we had some check to pay each days. we also had to remember that in the society we're living in, our title is really matter; what's your degree, what's your job, what's your type of car, what's your relationship status, and another shit we had to hear each days from some different body that only lead to one conclusion : you are defined by a shitty little words in your name. that's why many of us giving up our dream and chose to work in a place we don't belong; but it actually pay our bills. sometimes, in order to get this tittle, we’re forced to actually let our dreams go.

On this day, in my 25th, i currently working as a banker in Human Resource Department, to be exact. all my life, since i was 6 (the first time i actually have a dream job) i never imagine my self sitting behind my desk while replying to a dozen chats or calls from 114 employees all by myself everyday. I had to admit i don't love this job, but i don't hate it either. Sure, it actually takes every inch of my sanity to face more than 30 people everyday from 8 to 5 (often from 5 to 12 just like indomaret operating hour) but this job actually pays my bills. This job might be so exhausting, but with this job i can travel anywhere i want every 3 months minimums (even i had to brings my laptop everywhere. i even worked at the beach, for fucksake). with this job, i can actually afford some things i desperately want since a long time. with this job, i can help my mom to bring my little sister to the collage. with this job, i can bring my mom some presents on her birthday or some day when i wanted to give her some things. this job honestly takes every single patience in me on daily basis, but this job also gave me a lot of new friends & new perspective. it might be sucks but at least it worth the struggle.

As an introvert + people pleaser kinda person, being an HRD actually super challenging. there will be a day you wanna be mad at someone because they actually asked some silly questions in the middle of some deadlines from the head office but you have to be super calm and describe it in an indescribable yet easy kinda way. let me draw you a scenario of this situation :

E (employee) D (me)

E : hi, can you help me? how can i input a request for days off on this employee's web?

*inner me* YOU WORKED HERE LONGER THAN I DO AND YOU STILL ASKING ME HOW TO INPUT THOSE THINGS? WHAT DID YOU DO ALL ALONG, SLEEPING BEAUTY?

D : *with a super calm tones* oh, it's actually really easy. you only have to fill-----

This. this is one of a million things i have to deal every single day. In another occasion, you also had to do some reports while calculating everyone's salary plus serving some exclusive guest that came into your office. when all those three come at the same time, i would literally came to the office at 5am, and go home at 10pm. sometime without anyone's help. oh, it has not including some additional employee request tho so... basically it's like 10 jobs in a day. wow.

On the first 6 months in this department, i cried my self every night before i sleep; knowing that tomorrow i'd still be an HR and still not moving. it triggers my anxiety and i had to consume some sleeping pills for the rest 4 months because i can't sleep and just cried my self out every night. all my workmate who knows my mental issues really concern about my condition back then. but don't worry, i stop consume all those pills since the beginning of january 2022. and i can manage my work quite well nowadays.

As i said before, our life actually defined by our title. i actually can't remember when was the last time i ordered a place to eat with my real name, Dhea Shabila. Instead, i ordered it with Dhea from Bank A. it's actually funny how can a tittle diminished about who we really are. i realize not so many people actually knows my full name, they only knows me as Mbak Dhea from Bank A. or Mbak Dhea from HR. it actually happened on my family circle. i see my mom is not longer introduced me as Dhea Shabila, but Dhea my Daughter who worked for Bank A. and it's not only me. i saw it happened to other people. in another occasion, i saw someone introduce herself as "someone's wife". uhm... it's kinda like, if i marry john mayer (i hope so), people is not longer knows me as Dhea. but Dhea the John Mayer's wife. get it? it's funny how a job (and someone) can actually erased our identity. We can be defined by a some letters in our job. We can be accepted by some phrases behind our name. sometimes, it brings those prideful feelings in our heart when we actually defined by those tittle but mostly it just sucks. because sooner or later we realize that those tittle we'd proud of is something impermanent and to made it last longer, some people willing to do anything and willing to lost everything... for what? mostly, it's for praising their own ego. i won't blame them because in this era, we need those title just to feel validated & accepted.

But still, no matter what tittle you have, people will always craving for more. no matter what kind of job i'm in, people still saw me as a "pathetic single". you know? that kind of woman you saw in the corner of the house when your big family just gathering around, doing her own shit. and suddenly, there comes an auntie (or somehow also an uncle) that talking about her while saying "look at her, she got a stable job with a good salary but still single... poor her. it's probably because she's way too busy working and chasing for her career so she forgot to find a man. be careful, the more successful you are, the more single you get because men doesn't like a successful woman." yep, that woman is me. those words is not just an example, it actually happens to me. for so many times. on my family gathering. while my 8 cousins are happily married with at least 1 child, i'm just sitting in the corner of the room while sipping my tea and scrolling thru my twitter, definitely not paying attention on everything arounds me. but no matter how hard i tried to escape, i always gonna be stuck in a situation where my auties & uncles gossiping about me who don't have a boyfriend because i was so busy working. and i was like... is everyone in this family actually settle for less so when they see the kind of woman like me they actually scared? like... well, it's not my fault if i can find a man because they are afraid of my job (pardon my arrogance here but seriously tho i'm so mad at that time) because it's actually not my job to make a man feels like a real man. i won't settle my self for less. not anymore.

And by that, the conclusion is, no matter how successful a woman in her job, her value still defined by her marriage status. and it sounds super sucks. you can be so successful with a lot of money around you but if you are not married, you still looks pathetic. maybe that's why there's a lot of people chose to be stuck in a super toxic marriage instead of divorcing their partner (beside because the financial reason or children reason) is the sense of marriage status itself. again, those title just make some people feel validated & accepted.

Anyway, despite of all those things, i can say i actually like this job. I might be not living my dream as a wedding consultant now but this job actually not so bad. it gives me a self confidence that even my love life seems really fucked up, at least i got a stable job and i'm quite good on it. it also makes my mom proud of me, more or less. i love to see a glimpse of proudness in her eyes whenever she describe what am i doing now in front of her friends. it also help my sister to shop whatever she needs without asking to my mom. i also learn a lot from this job, especially self control. i won't let my mood control my works everyday, it helps me to be super calm about anything. it also teach me how to make a clear and fast decision for my indecisive ass. it forced me to find a solid solution for everyone each days and it helps my brain to work fast on daily basis. it helps me control my anxiety because no matter how worry i am about tomorrow, there's still gonna be tomorrow. and there's nothing i can do except go with it. it is what it is.

After all, i might be not living my dream, but who knows all this journey will bring me to the ending i always dreaming⏤or even better?

[merccurious]

If Someday i Chose to Let You Go for Real...

If someday i chose to let you go for real, you have to know that it takes everything in me to left you. I'm that kind of person who will always gives you a lot of chances; even you've hurt me so bad. i won't mind to starting all over again no matter how bad you've fucked up. because i think it's gonna be harder if i ain't with you. because my worst day with you is still so much better that my best day without you. so if i really did let you go, it takes me a lot.

If someday i chose to let you go for real, it doesn't mean i don't care about you anymore. i still do. i might not longer love you the way i used to be, but i still care about you. i will always feel so happy whenever i heard any good news about you & it's gonna tear me down in silence whenever i heard any bad news about you. because whether i like it or not, you were the one who've ever made me happy. and i will always remember that feeling you gave.

If someday i chose to let you go for real, please never thought that i don't love you. i did, so much. it just... you never saw it and chose to closed your eyes while shut your ears. you never appreciated all my efforts. and i tried, so hard, to convince you that i do love you with all i had while asked you to love me back. but again, you never did. so i left. i can't always put my self in a circumstances that never saw my worth for a really long time. i can't put my self in a position where i'm the only one who's trying.

If someday i chose to let you go for real, and you never hear anything from me again, it's because i need to make the boundaries to save myself. because while i gave you countless chance after all the things you did to me, i also sacrifice a lot of me & make my self hurt so much. and you can't imagine how painful is that because you were never standing in my shoes. so all those boundaries i made is actually my way to counter all the possibility to be hurt for a million times.

If someday i chose to let you go for real, you have to remember, there's a hundred of nights i actually crying my self to sleep because you hurt me so bad but i can't do anything except sobbing my eyes until my lungs got really hurt because i'm so afraid of the idea of losing you. there's a hundred of days i actually begging you to stay and loved me while saw you chose another things instead of me. there's a lot of day i barely slept because i was thinking about all the bad possibilities when you're not with me... and you would never understand that. instead of understand, you might saw me as a dramatic one; like you always did. you always had the audacity to say "i never asked you to do so much for me." whenever i asked you to just love me the way i love you. and because of that, i decide to detach myself away from you.

If someday i chose to let you go for real, always remember that whatever we had in the past was real. All those feelings was real. All those moments was real. All those words i said to you was real. And i will always cherish all those happy (even sad) moments with you all my life. you will always had a little space in the corner of my heart no matter with who i'm gonna ended up with later. you will always be my precious life-lesson all along. and once more, it doesn't mean i never loved you. maybe we're simply just growing apart; we're just have a different path. maybe we were just 2 people who meant to met each other, but not meant to ended up together. and it's okay. not every story has an ending we always dreamt about.

If someday i chose to let you go for real, i'd still wish you all the best. i still pray for your healthiness & happiness. i wish you're surrounded by a lot of supportive people around you. i wish you're still that kind of fun person in more mature perspective. i wish whatever you're going thru right now gonna bring you to the ending you always wanted. and i wish, whoever you are with, gonna give you the things i never did when you were with me; so you're happier with them right now.

funfact : i wrote this note while listening to Tulus' new single : hati-hati di jalan. in the middle of the night. with heavy rain as an additional background.

[merccurious]

a Letter from Dhea to Dhea

After everything i've been going thru, i just thought that i care too much about everyone but myself. Sometimes, it's really pathetic to realize how much i'm trying my best to someone else, but become so hard on myself. After everything i've been going thru, i realize that i should be more genuine to myself; because in the end, she's the one who's really stay when everybody left.

And by that, i decide to write a letter for myself; just to be a quick reminder if someday i become really hard on myself just for the sake of another. so, here we go.

Dear Dhea,

I know, this past few years feels really hard for you. you lost a lot of people you love so much, a lot of things you really like, and so on. and since you have a massive trauma after all those things, you chose to closed your heart and isolated yourself from everything that trying to reached you out. you drown yourself into so many things just to help you numb all the pain & forget all the sadness.

I just wanna say that it's okay. everybody have their own way to heal. and i'm so proud of what you've achieve until this exact second. you've been thru hell and yet you're standing still. you chose to go on with your life. you chose not to hurt back those people who've been hurt you... and that's really good. not everybody have that kind of patience & courage to actually let go those people who've been hurt them really bad.

i can write a lot of things about you, but what you've been thru is quite unbearable & indescribable. but then, i decide to write all this just to reminds you about all the things you've going thru; so you will always remember your own worth when you decide to love again.

"i hope you learn how to let go of a love that won't love you back. i hope you always have the courage to know when to end things, when to choose yourself, and when to stand up for your heart. I hope you have the courage to see endings as beautiful & transformative stepping stone. I hope you have the courage to let love and opportunity move thru you like rain. To not grip, or seek to change it, to not beg for people or circumstances to be more than they can be for you. i hope you have the courage to see endings as the cornerstones of the chapters that changed you without needing them to be a part of the rest of your story.

i hope you have the courage to give yourself a closure. to be your own home. to be your own safe place. i hope you have the courage to not let the losses destroy you, to not let them burrow into the heart of who you are and convince you that you failed, or that you are unworthy to be chosen. i hope you have the courage to see the way in which you loved and tried and fought for something as a testament to just how deeply your capacity to feel is, just how beautiful moments can be when you appreciate them for what they were instead of nullifying them or letting them harden you to the world. please, i hope you have the courage to walk away with grace.

because you deserve a good love. you deserve to find the kind of love that makes you a softer person. the kind of love that makes you want to be a better human being, the kind of love that makes you believes in you and support you, that stand by your side. you deserve to find someone who quickly becomes your favorite thing-someone who makes the fall less fearful, someone you can't help but choose every single day. you deserve to find someone who shows you just how deeply you can feel, just how deeply you can love. you deserve to find something real; because there's nothing more beautiful than loving someone who loves you back. nothing is more beautiful than loving someone who builds you a home in their heart."

inspired from @/rainbowsalt on instagram.

[merccurious]

From the Movie I Currently Obsessed With

"do you think i can have one more kiss?

I'll find closure on your lips... and then i'll go.

maybe, also,

one more breakfast, one more lunch, and one more dinner...

i'll be full, and happy... and we can part.

but in between meals,

maybe we can lie in bed one more time...

one more prolonged moment where time suspends... indefinitely. As i rest my head on your chest.

my hope is if we add up the "one mores”, they'll equal a lifetime;

and i'll never have to get to the part where i let you go."

⏤Someone Great, 2019.

[merccurious]

Oh, the Places You'll Go

“My mama always said, ‘Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.'” -Forrest on "Forrest Gump"

As a kid, we tend to be so fixated of being an adult really soon. Simply because the idea of adulthood in our society was described as "freedom". You can choose what to eat, where to life, what kind of job you're gonna get, and so on. The idea of adulthood seems really fun for me who lived as the oldest daughter.

I always wanted to be 17 since it was the beginning of the adulthood. At this age, i already have a very perfect boyfriend (at that time, just to be clear). At this age, i feel so many new things; the first time i fell in love REALLY hard, the first kiss, the first fight that actually breaks my heart into pieces, the first time get bullied because i was someone's girlfriend (this is quite ridiculous), and another first time that makes my life feels more interesting. At this age, i feel like i'm living my best life.

But as we growing old, life is not always gonna be so easy as a sunday morning. we might be living our best life at 17, but a year later, we might face a breakdown in our life. Yes, at my 18, for the first time i recognize the pain of being betrayed. I caught my boyfriend cheated on me with his collage's friend just a month after we're on this LDR thing (jog-mlg). i lost almost 5 kilos in less than a month since i can't even eat anything. But after all those painful thing, i decide to get back with him because i think all his fault is forgivable and this is his first time betrayed me.

Pro tip : if your partner already cheating on you once, just run away and don't give him another shot. It just the best way for them to cheat on you again... but in a smarter way so they won't get caught. lol.

At this age, we're on the state of being dependent on things... and even person. Adulthood feels so lonely if we had to going thru it all by ourselves so we rely on someone; a partner or a best friend. and little that i know, those people are gonna be just a phase we had to passed in order to shape us into best version of us in the future. and sometimes, those phases we had to go thru is a very painful one.

Move way forward to 25 when the adulthood is not longer an idea, it's actually a reality we had to face each day. And by that we're not only face a happiness, but we're also gonna face a massive heartbreak by losing someone that mean the world for us. this phase gonna feels like a doomsday for some times. we're forced to living with the pain by ourselves each days. we're looking for an answer and living with a thousand "what ifs"... for only make us even more broken than before. But that's the core of being an adult : we're forced to the state where we can't really rely on anyone and we only had ourselves.

I used to think that at 25, i'm gonna have my actual happy ending; i'm working at some big company, marry my longterm boyfriend, while living in our own house with 2 twin toddlers running around. i have someone i can hug if i had a crappy day, i have someone who's gonna pick me up in front of my office while smiling even i can see his tired eyes, i have someone who's gonna pat my head while smiling and say "everything's gonna be okay", or i simply have someone i can call when i had this over-hours at work just to tell me some lame jokes i will always laugh at whenever it comes from their mouth...

but again, live won't always give you everything you want.

at my 25, i realize that live is so funny. We can't predict where it bring us. 5 years ago, at this exact time, i was talking with my ex-boyfriend about the future we're gonna share together 5 years from now, and now... here i am. single as hell. Life is not always bring you to the place you want, but eventually, it's gonna bring you to the place you need. I might not married now, but i'm surrounded by a lot of supportive & kind people around me. I might not have my own house that filled with 2 twin toddlers like i've ever imagine, but i can travel anywhere i want. i might not have someone who’s gonna pat my head and say “everything’s gonna be okay.” but each day, god give me so much strength so i can always get my self together when things going rough. And i never feel so alive like i am now.

All the journey i've been thru until 25 makes me learnt a lot. it shaped me into someone better. All the pain, all the betrayal, and even all those happiness, makes me even stronger. And i thank me for surviving when i feel like giving up so many times.

If i can turn back time, i'm gonna tell the 10 years old me things like this :

Adulthood is not just about being free. It's about massive metamorphosis—it changed the whole of your life. You might experience a very unbearable pain, losing a lot of people, and even losing yourself. But in the end, all those journey was worth it. You'll find that disappointment feels nothing; because you're getting used to it day by day. Saying "i'm okay" is not a sign of pretending, it just a sign to convince yourself that you're actually okay. You'll not longer rely on someone and started to rely on yourself. And you'll stop giving a fuck about anyone's opinion about you.

it's all about adjusting. and by that, you have to lose so many things to find yourself. and that's okay. all the pain gonna shaped you into the best version of yourself and bring you to the place you always meant to be.

Eventually, we're all gonna be on the place we should be.

[merccurious]

Dear Someone Who’s Gonna Date Me (and Marry Me) in the Future

Hi, You!

I don’t know who you are yet, and i think you also don’t know me yet. Maybe we haven’t met, or maybe we have. Maybe you are my schoolmate, or my friend’s friend, or maybe you’re just a stranger i accidentally bumped in a random place. Maybe we still have no idea about each other, or maybe we already knew each other way too well.

Despite it all, i would like to break some things down with you. I wanna share things i recognize about me and giving you some spoilers about how your life might be if we ended up together. At this point, you might think you’re lucky… or not. But trust me, if you’re reading this, you might be already stuck with me and there’s no way to run back. lol.

So, here we go!

i’m a tight-ass somehow; i would like to be serious but if you wanna be goofy together, i’m all in. i can talk about anything; from deep talk to fun talk. i love to hear all of your story for hours while looking at your sparkly eyes; it makes you so shiny for me and i love that.

i can’t give you all my time, or showering you with all the sweet texts every minutes. but i assure you that you’ll always had my undivided attention.

i often get really moody; there will be a time where i won’t talk to you for days, or i talked a lot. i’m sorry if i frustrated you but i will tell you why i acted that way… eventually.

i don’t like fights, but i love to annoy you. we’re gonna argue over little things quite often (but mostly it because of my moodyness or my jealousy) and i would be so quite about it (since i really don’t like to fight cause it makes me cry). so, if things getting even tense, i would be gone and talk about it in another time when we’re both in a more stable circumstances .

i’m insecure as hell. you’ll always find me asking about “do you think they like me?” when i met your friends, your family, or even your co-workers. that’s why i can’t “blend in” that easy because i’m afraid, at some point, they’re hate me.

i always feel like i’m not good enough and somehow it’s gonna annoy you. sorry in advance. i feel like i’m not smart enough, i’m not successful enough, i’m not funny enough, i’m not skinny enough, and the lists goes on. i’m afraid that someday you’ll see that and chose to left me for someone better. this feeling makes me so scared and sometimes i cried myself out at night.

i’m not that kind of person who’s easy to open up. because i think when i’m open up, it just show people how fragile i am. and i won’t let anyone to see it. so if i’m open up to you, please don’t see it as a weakness; it means i trust you with all my heart.

i probably seems like i don’t feel excited about anything. it doesn’t mean i don’t appreciate you, i’m just so afraid of being too happy. because everytime i’m being so happy, it turns out kills me in the end.

i was build by a very hard past. there’s so many things that traumatized me and it haunts me until this exact second. if someday i told you about my past, i really hope it doesn’t scares you. and i’m really sorry if sometimes i become so hard to deal with. it’s probably because i projecting some of my trauma towards you (but i hope i won’t & i’m working on it everyday).

i love ‘lil things; when you called me out of nowhere on your busy day, or video-calls me when you’re stuck in the traffic, or send me a song you hear on the radio, having takes out in your car while listening to your spotify playlist, or randomly pick me up after work just to had a dinner or evening coffee with me. it makes me happy for a month or more.

i love to hear about your day; how it’s going, what did you eat, how’s your boss who annoy your ass everyday, how’s your co-worker who can’t even tell the difference between excel and powerpoint, and so on. listening to your days just makes me feel important and it’s okay if you wanna share all those crappy days with me for 3 hours; i’m all ears.

i love moon, planets, heavy rain, night, night drive, John Mayer, Toy Story, some 2000s RomComm movies (especially 500 days of summer & 13 going on 30), tea, and city lights. those things excite me so much.

i love some random trivia you’ll gonna share with me everytime we were stop in a random places.

i’m gonna love your music taste even i never heard about it before. or even there’s no john mayer on it. we will always listening to your favorite song in the car while singing along those songs. your hands grabbing mine and i will look into your face while smiling with a very warm hearts.

i will always be your biggest fans when you’re on some tournament. i will always attend all your tournament and smiling from the supporter’s row. you’ll always find me smiling really big while looking at you proudly.

i would cook for you every weekend; and also some weekdays. you’re gonna taste all my cook and i would send it to your office because i know you won’t eat when you’re caught up in your job.

i will introduce you to all of my friends, proudly. and when i call your name, they gonna see sparks in my eyes & my smile just getting bigger than usual. they would wondering “how can someone as cold as Dhea can smile that bright?”. and when i brought you, they’ll stop wondering and instantly find the answer; you.

i will bring you to my family. spoiler alert : i lived with my mom, my stepdad, and 2 little sister. they gonna love you, especially keyya. she’s so cute & really easy to get along with stranger. my mom is an extrovert so you’ll always heard her talking. my stepdad is an introvert so he’s not talking that much. and my first lil sister—diva is an ambievert. she looks quite at first but once you know her, she’s gonna be overshared. lol.

i will be by your side everyday. when you open your eyes ‘till you fall asleep (real or even just on video call). i will always grumbling upon your messy stuff but still picking up those things to the place they should be. i will massaging your shoulders & your head, and cleaning up your face with my face toner each night after work. on the weekend, i will give you a free skincare routine (such as wearing mudmask or skin-scrub) and we will watch our favorite show on netflix while cuddling all day. on our holiday, we’re going to have a roadtrips and visit all the city we haven’t (or have) visit before. i’ll take a lot of picture of us and share it to my insta & tweets (since you know i’m a socmed junkie).

But above all, i will always love you. even sometimes it seems like i don’t. but believe me, i might not love you the way you wanted to, but i love you with all i had. and i assure you that when things getting hard and the whole world seems down on your head, you’ll always can find me. And when i feel lost, i will always come to you because you are my home.

i wish we can meet sooner.

[merccurious]

The Story was Ended Before it Even Started

Warm Smile,

Starry Eyes,

Lips full of Spells,

I still can’t believe that falling for you just as easy as Ringing the Bells.

Night Calls,

Morning Chats,

You made my heart full of sparks.

You heal all the wounds,

You tighten all the bonds,

And suddenly, it makes me fly so high into the moons.

But again,

My tiny heart just can’t receive all those love you gave

It such a huge mess inside and i can’t let anybody in

You just too good to be true,

And it kills me that i can’t trust you

after every shit i’ve been going thru.

So instead of pulling you closer,

i pushed you way farther than i have to.

But believe me,

If only i can turn back the time

I really wished we can met sooner

So i can love you longer.

[merccurious]

The Most

All along, i was thinking what was happened with me? why am i so sad of losing you even you've hurt me the most? why am i still craving for your love even i saw it clearly you were never want me? why am i still thinking about you even in my super wasted mind?

then i realize; with you, i always feel like "the most".

The luckiest,

The happiest,

The most comfortable,

The most compatible,

The warmest,

and the list still goes on.

All those feelings is very comforting yet so scary. It brought me to the state where i feel like i would never ever feel like this twice in my life. that's why i'm so afraid of losing you back then. And when i did losing you, i feel like the world just falling down into pieces because i thought i would never feel "the most" again. It makes me super scared and sad so i shut myself and drown into my own thought.

But then i also realize, with you i also feel another "the most".

The saddest,

The loneliest,

The most insecure,

The ugliest,

and the craziest.

This is ironic since you made me the happiest person when we were together, but also the saddest. All the arguments, all the betrayal, all the lies... it used to makes me afraid of losing you more by losing my self each seconds.

Being with you was feels like participating in a competition i never meant to involved since the first time. I feel like i have to competing with another girl just to be enough for you. And the saddest part is... it seems like i'm winning, but feels like i'm losing. you know? Because when you were with me, i don't feel like you were in love with me, and i never felt enough for you. You will always busy finding faults in me while i was too busy overlooking yours. People might saw us as a very loving partner, but in fact we were just two person who's lost and trying so hard to convince ourselves that "this is love" while pretending to love each other.

And eventually, now i know what "the most" i've never experiences when i'm with you all those years;

i never felt chosen.

and it actually the things that matter the most.

i never felt chosen by you. you will always said you loved me, but your action show otherwise.

I was just an option, not the chosen one.

and suddenly, all that "the most" doesn't matter for me. all those happiness, all those compatibility, all those luck, all those cozyness just burned to the ground because when i felt chosen, i feel complete. i feel accepted. i feel loved. i feel secure.

and that is the thing i actually needs all along.

so, yeah. all "the most" you've ever gave was the things i desire, but not actually what i need.

and that's why you are "the most" relieving goodbye i've ever done in my life.

[merccurious]

this is "the End" of You.

Memories is such a horrible place to visit. One day, it can made you the happiest person you’ve ever been, and the other seconds, it’s gonna fucked your head off and makes you feel miserable.

But for me, memories wasn’t that scary anymore. For the first time, the thought of you wasn’t scares me. And you know the happiest part? i started to forget things about you piece by piece. I started to forget your smile, your smell, and even your eyes. I started forget your favorite place to eat, i started to forget some remarkable things you’ve ever said to me, i started to forget your favorite coffee, i started to forget your favorite t-shirt (is it the pink one?). to make sure all this thing, i even open our old photos just to reminds me “oh, this is how you smile looks like.” or “oh, this is how your voice sounds like.” and it wasn’t hurt me. at all.

the funny part is, when i went back to the hometown, i wasn’t scared to going around. i used to be super scared since every corner of this city reminds me of us. but then i DID go out and… i can’t even feel anything. or remember anything we did in those places. i remember we were visiting those place, but i can’t remember what did we do, or how does i feel at that place when i was with you. and for the first time, i feel so happy. this time finally happens.

i really let you go & forget about you.

it actually feel weird at the first time, but somehow it brings the warmth on my heart. so this is how it feels like to finally moving on and have no feelings towards someone who’ve ever meant the world for you. it feels so relieving.

Since the memories of you just getting even blurry now, i would like to break 10 things you like here; just to reminds me you were ever mean something for me. so, here you go :

1. You like makanan berkuah, especially soto with perasan jeruk nipis. Your favorite is soto betawi jalan kartini yang udah tutup dari kapan tau (i can’t remember any other food you like except this one)

2. You like superhero movie. We used to talked about superhero for hours; the theories, the effect, the movie plot, etc. You looooove iron man so much. And also all the marvel’s superhero. you can be a geek to them. And as far as i can remember, i always love the sparks of your eyes when you talked about things you like (such as superhero).

3. You love gigs. Especially the jazz one. Your dream was watching Glenn & Java Jazz with your wife (who also love & understand about jazz). You adore Barry Likumahuwa, Ivan Alidiyan, Agung Munthe, Dimas Pradipta, Indra Lesmana, Bass G, Ade Avery, etc. Your dream was to become a jazz player. And also, you’re really great in music. If you reading this, i hope you won’t give up on your dream in music ya. You are so great on them. You have a very good taste in music tho.

4. You like cycling, running, and sleeping. You can easily fall asleep. I used to called you “kebo” since you are really hard to wake up in the morning for school. You really love to sleep while hugging things; either a bolster or your partner. You love to be hugged when you wake up. You love to kiss your partner when you wake up. And you love to have breakfast right after you wake up… if i’m not mistaken.

5. You love to be heard. You like when people listening to your story attentively. Somehow you feel like you talked too much since i just stare at you when you were talking, but i think it just my way to listen. You have so many dreams you want to achieve; and i’m proud to say that you are starting to have them step by step.

6. You love roadtrips while singing along in the car. lol. it reminds me of our road trip from malang to jogja 5 years ago. It was a very happy memories we’ve ever made. it makes me laugh at this exact time when i remember some details of that trip.

7. You are very principal & idealistic. You will trying so hard to achieve what you wanted even it requires a lot of blood & sweat. you planned everything even the estimate of time. it makes me respect you ‘till this day. And i hope your struggle bring to the ending you always wanted; a happy ending.

8. You are a very loving person. You care about people around you. Even you are sooooo temperament. My advice : try to be little calm in life. Like i used to say; there’s only 2 things in life : things you can control, and things you can’t control. On the things you can control, try to fully control it. and anger is one of the thing you can control.

9. Your favorite color is grey… or brown? damn i can’t exactly remember this one.

10. You hate my insecurities & my magerness cause it makes me super possessive & overthinking. You felt so tired to convince me back then. No worries, now there’s nothing can makes me insecure except my job lol. I’m really feel good about myself now.

wow, writing all those things requires a lot of time. i spent 2 hours to reminds me all those things hahahaha. sorry but that’s all i got.

but above all, i wished you a very joyful & blessed journey ahead. cause you deserve it.

Finally, this might be the last notes about you. And i’m gladly say that you are just another phase & chapter in my life i had to passed in order to become the best version of me in the future.

Goodbye, you. It was a very nice 10 years to know you. See you on top!