meow6-logins

[meow6-logins]

Antro

I decided to be flirtatious and send him a text after I got home. His reply confirmed that he felt the same way, it was a nice reassurance. It was nice to know that the way he would look at me that night wasn't something I made up in my head out of limerence. We texted throughout the day, I lagged on purpose to seem cool because that's what we do in the states. He surprisingly seems really nice and sweet. I have a bad habit believing hot people aren't nice, I'm sure it's a form of projecting my own insecurities. We've mostly been texting in spanish but last night he ended our conversation with a good night text in english, I embarrassingly giggled to myself when I received it.

Let's call him Antro

#girlblogging #dear diary #just girly posts #personal #loser #situationships

[meow6-logins]

Antro

So Saturday came and I went out, I got to see Dan. Dan and I didn't exchange much, we didn't really dance. He was being a little lame, I kind of wanted to kiss him but it was nothing to complain about. At the club I was mostly high and experiencing paranoia, I felt like an outsider because I was. After a couple drinks, dancing seeming appetizing. I looked around and no one seemed to fit my type but this one guy, but he was way out of my lead. Everytime we made eye contact I would immediately look away, he was painfully hot. My group slowly migrated to his table, my people could tell that I was interested but too nervous to make a move. By some miracle I ended up sitting next to him on someone's couch at an after party. We talked about horror movies and our favorite chapstick. We sat painfully close to each other while everyone talked in the kitchen of this studio apartment. I didn't know how to make a move, all I could do was giggle because of how nervous he made me. "Why do you twirl your hair while I talk to you, are you nervous?" he noticed. We eventually added each other on instagram and said our goodbyes. It was 5am and I was cold, he hugged me goodbye. I just leaded into his arms and shivered because of the weather, as I pulled away I looked up at him as if my eye were screaming "KISS ME ALREADY!". We stared at each other, we were both obviously nervous.

#girlblogging #dear diary #just girly posts #loser #personal

[meow6-logins]

Dan

I think I'll be seeing Dan this weekend, I'm a little nervous. Last time I saw him we kissed, no strings attached. I think no strings attached is the best for me right now, it's cool but a little awkward. Awkward because I don't know when it's appropriate to kiss him. I feel like in a relationship, you share each other and it's easy because you just know you can freely kiss each other. I would like to kiss don again, is that bad? Is it bad that I still want to kiss him even though I don't like him? I mean I know he doesn't see me as an option, he has a girlfriend. Damn I'm the other woman. I don't know how to feel about it, I don't feel sad about it but I do feel guilty about it. I guess I now understand how girls can be so ok with being used. I mean, I'm using him too. I know I want nothing serious with him, just a good time and he knows that. I wonder if he feels bad about it. This goes back to what I was saying, if he feels bad then I would make him feel uncomfortable if I confessed that I still want to kiss him. I'll play it by ear, if he kisses me I'll kiss him back, if not I won't give hints. Simple

#girlblogging #dear diary #just girly posts #personal #loser #manic pixie dream girl #relationship #situationships

[meow6-logins]

Losing sleep

Lately I've been having a hard time sleeping. I toss and turn, check the time and lay my head back down. I've been having these weird dreams of my high school sweetheart and they've been feeling too real. It's been going on since sunday, today is thursday. It's almost like a recurring dream but it's different each time. Last night I dreamt that he posted another girl, as if he was announcing his new relationship to his socials. In my dreams I still follow him on instagram, I hate it. It feels like a slap in the face when I wake up. Apart of me believes it too, when I wake I check my phone. Its pathetic. I also dreamt that he leaves me messages and when I wake, again, the first thing I do is check my phone. To say the least, it's the most humbling experience. I hate it.

This week has been hard because of it. I've been crying after I get home from work, it's almost routine at this point. I've been trying to let my emotions run their course, I no longer hold it in but I also reassure myself that it's ok and I'll eventually be fine. Yesterday, I did this and it helped, I stopped crying before I got home.

I think I'm coming to the terms that I am still not over my ex but time will tell. Honestly I don't know what I am doing right now, all I know is that there's no room for me to be jumping into a relationship because when I do that I project my pain onto them. When I'm with someone knew, it feels like I'm trying to replace my ex or make up for the damages I made in that old relationship and then BOOM before I realise it I am stuck with someone I don't like.

#girlblogging #dear diary #just girly posts #personal #loser #relationship #dreamcore

[meow6-logins]

21st birthday

I'm at a rooftop party and everyone is under some kind of influence. I've had a drink or two, and on top of that the birthday boy and I took an edible. I see my friend Dan, he greets me with a tight hug. It's the second time we see each other. The first time was at a dance floor and we were both drunk. I thought he was funny and cute but I didn't say anything. He approached me "I wanna dance with you". Before I could agree my cousin stepped in, "my cousin is off limits". I was a little bummed but all I could respond with was a polite smile and wave. And that was that.

Back to the rooftop party, the birthday boy is my cousin and we're high out of our minds laughing inside while the party continues outside. Dan joins our laughter and stays with me while the birthday boy returns to his celebration. Dan and I are left alone, we make our way to the kitchen because of my cottonmouth. He pours me a cup of SunnyD and watches me drink it. I notice his stare, so I put the cup down and look at him for a few seconds. As we stare at each other I wait, wait for him to break the silence but I eventually laugh out loud "What are you looking at?". His eye shift to my lips then dart back to my eyes. I get the hint and flat out say "Do you want to kiss me?". He awkwardly says "Yes, is that okay?". I give him a shrugged "sure" and he leans in for it. That first kiss felt so good, it felt like a rush of colors I've never experienced before. I laughed as he pulled away, his eyes looked worried, like he was wondering if he made the right call. His hand were on my shoulders and he asked if I was ok. I reassured him with a giggle and nod, I was high as fuck. He then asked for another kiss with his eyes, I invited him to sit next to me on the dining table. He grabbed me and kissed me again, it felt so natural. We made out for what felt like an endless loop of colorful rings and spirals. His hands slid around my body, I could tell he was nervous as he made his way to my hips. I thought it was funny so moaned out a giggle, he did the same in response and gave the excuse "Sorry I'm nervous". As he said that I remembered, he has a girlfriend. We stopped and I suggested we go back, "What would people say if they saw us?". As we started heading up stairs, he grabbed me and kissed me. He held me tightly as if this was something he wanted to remember. Every kiss felt like I was melting into his body, this could probably because I was high.

It felt like I was talking to him as we kissed.

Me: We shouldn't

Him: It's just this one time, let me enjoy every second of it

Me: Just this one time

Before I knew it, he picked me up and sat us on the couch. My hands were in his hair and his attempted to explore my body. Before things got any further, I stopped us and we went up stairs. We saw his friends for a while upstairs, while they talked I disappeared in the crowd and lead myself to an empty bedroom. I charged my phone and laid on the bed, in that moment I chose to end my night. I had my eyes close in the dark and then I heard the door open. Dan's silhouette stood at the doorway, I sat up as if I was greeting him into the room. He closed the door behind him and sat next to me. We kissed for a while but stopped every time we heard someone near the door. Someone eventually came in and saw us on our phones, they didn't think anything of it and asked if they could take a turn with the charger. Eventually everyone left the room to let me sleep it off. Before leaving the party Dan stopped by to say goodnight. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and I fell back asleep.

#girlblogging #dear diary #just girly posts #personal #loser

[meow6-logins]

In his car

Jacket and I have been joking around about having sex. It's fun to make silly jokes, but I started to consider it. So after work I bought condoms not expecting anything would happened that night. 5pm turns to 9pm and I text him just out of curiosity and he agrees to pick me up in 30 minutes. I started to freak out, my first time having sex with someone casually. I was really worried I was going to be awkward.

We had sex in the back seat of his car while Faye Webster played on my phone. That's a funny sentence to say out loud. It's the next morning and I have mixed feelings about it. I can't stop thinking about how cute he was the entire time, his little moans and the way he was hugging me and kissing my arms. I would say he was ok in bed, considering we were in a car. I think he could do better with his hands and dirty talk. Now that I think about it, I've never heard him call me by my name. Weird, anyways, I think he's not so good in bed because he's so busy thinking about his own pleasure instead of considering mine. Makes me wonder, is he thinking about me today? Probably not. Afterwards, we talked for a bit, well he did, it was cute. I was basically in the front seat listening to him yap from the back seat, waiting for him to move to the front lol.

Was it just a one night thing or does this mean we can casually ask each other for sex? I wish I lived on my own so he could sleep over. Anyways chat, it was mid 4/10, could live without it but was a cool experience, there's room for improvement.

#girlblogging #dear diary #just girly posts #personal #loser #situationships

[meow6-logins]

I'm 20 something

Guess who made out with Jacket in the back seat of their car. And guess who went to the movies and had a fun time with Jacket???? I wonder who.

Anyways, Jacket is cute and I like making out with him, he's good at it. He wanted to have sex but I brought up the excuse "We don't have a condom". I don't know if I want to have sex with him, I do wonder if he's good at it. I know he's more experienced.

We'll see.......

#girlblogging #dear diary #just girly posts #personal #loser #situationships

[meow6-logins]

A year ago

A year ago I didn't want to be here. I laid on that hospital bed hoping something was wrong with me, something terminal, an easy way out. I lied to everyone, I knew why I wasn't healthy enough to leave that bed, I was starving my body to the point of no return. My liver and kidneys hated me, my period was nonexistent and the gynecologist could see through my lies and jokes. "Numbers don't lie" was what I kept hearing.

I went on a trip 3 months later, and I felt guilty and awkward the entire time. "I wasn't planning on making it this far" is what went through my mind. In the end, I was very grateful for that trip, in many ways, it healed me.

It's a year later and I'm here, it feels right, and I like it. 2 weeks after I got discharged I ran my first 5k. This weekend I ran my 4th one, it's a nice circle of events.

#girlblogging #dear diary #just girly posts #personal

[meow6-logins]

Dream #6

I had a horrible nightmare last night. I think I know what prompted it, I fell asleep watching a police integration about a man around my age who killed a homeless man, he dismembered his body in an attempt to hide the body. It's a sad case, he committed this crime when he was 19. While he did that I was taking online college classes and playing animal crossing in my spare time, it's crazy to think about.

Back to my nightmare, I'm so grateful it was just a nightmare. I got back together with my HS sweetheart. We were living together and I felt very happy. I was in the kitchen watching the news and I saw his face on the TV screen. I couldn't believe it, his face was posted next to a missing person, it was an older man. I turned up the volume but I was in such disbelief that I couldn't hear a thing being said. Everything started getting blurry as my eyes filled with tears and my hearing could only catch my heart beat. He walked into the kitch and we locked eyes, as he listened to the news anchor. He was the main suspect and wanted for questioning, I froze, I didn't know what to say. I feared someone framed him but no, he told me everything. He confessed to me as if he were asking me for help, that he tried to dismember this man's body but he just couldn't get the job done, it was too much for him. He reassured me that he found someone else to get the job done and who gave him photo evidence, which he showed me and I threw up. I told him I didn't want to know why he did it, or how he ended up with a dead man's body.

I ran away with him and helped him hide. We staged a kidnaping and flead the state. I don't know why I did it but it just felt like the right thing to do. After the move he suggested that I leave him and meet someone better, catch myself a better ending. I couldn't believe it, after everything I did for him, he comes up with this stupid idea. I started to cry and scream, "NO NO NOOO, this is my life and I chose to be with you. I will be with you. You asked me to stay by your side and here I am. I am not leaving. At this point, kill me and dismember me because I can't return to my old life." It felt so real I wanted nothing but to be with him. I woke up in a cold sweat, I wanted to cry, for a split second it felt like my whole life was over. While I was asleep I received a text from him. It's like my body knew. I wish my body would ignore these things.

#girlblogging #dear diary #just girly posts #personal #loser #dreamcore

[meow6-logins]

Sweet heart

I still think about him. I wonder if he still thinks of me, not my body but me, what makes me, ME. I find myself thinking about the small details in his appearance, his way of being, his little life, his childhood stories, his dreams and his fears. His biggest fear was to become like his dad, I feared it too but I never told him. I loved every detail of his existence. I don't know when it started, but I took a step back and I realized it wasn't all that great, we became tired of each other, bitter. We started being mean to each other.

In high school everyone said he was a little ugly. I never thought he was ugly but now looking at old pictures he was your stereotypical high school nerd, he had the awkward posture, braces that always had food stuck in them, he had a huge gummy smile when he laughed, his pores were always filled with dirt and pimples. In my eyes his greasy face was perfect, because he was, it felt like he could do no wrong.

I loved everything about him. He had this crooked front tooth that I would admire when he spoke to other people, it would peak through in such a peculiar way when he pronounced certain words, it was one of my favorite things about him. He also had his mom's hair line, which he hated but I loved it. I use to also stare at his sharp cupids bow when he would sleep, he'd either be sleeping with his mouth wide open or his lips puckered up perfectly as if he were a model posing for a fragrance campaign. When he got older he started to snore and I loved it, it was the perfect white noise to sleep to. Sometimes it would wake me up but I wouldn't mind, I would admire him for a few seconds before falling back asleep. Looking at his old acne scars and remembering how he use to look, it would make me wonder how well we'll age together.

Growing together meant testing our mistakes on each other. I hate that, I wish I wasn't so naive and careless. I use to get so could up in my emotions, I would act on impulse when I was hurt. I was a stupid teenager, I hate it. Makes me wonder, will I feel this intense about someone in the future. Every time something new comes by, it feels like I am trying to convince myself, or I’m trying make up from the damage I caused him by blindly spreading my kindness else where. I question, will I ever love someone again, like I loved him. Will anyone love me as much as I loved him. For a long time it felt like he loved me just as much as I did to him. I could feel it, it was an indescribable presence, it was so real.

Sometimes it feels like people think I'm crazy. I wonder if he understands me.

#girlblogging #dear diary #just girly posts #personal #loser

[meow6-logins]

I got my period. My work crush is now single. God is good.

#girlblogging #dear diary #just girly posts #personal #loser #manic pixie dream girl

[meow6-logins]

Period

I am currently freaking out silently, alone. I took part in a procreating activity 3 weeks ago. I've been feeling weird for these past 3 weeks, my boobs are sore, I feel bloated, and I am hungry all the time. Maybe it's all in my head, I hope it is. I have this feeling deep down inside, I know my own body. I know this may be too early but I am scared that I might be carrying a child, an embryo might be growing inside me as I type this out. I am currently only one day late. I took a test yesterday it came back negative but I still don't trust it. I have 4 more test hiding in my closet.

If this feeling is true, I don't know who I can call for help. I am scared that my own best friend will judge me and disagree with my decision. I don't want to tell my mom because she will be upset with me and make me get on birth control. I know that if I don't agree with her and get on birth control, she will then tell my dad and I know he'll be upset with me deep deep down inside and I'll hear all about it next time he is drunk. I feel so stuck. I do have another friend but I don't trust her all the way, I don't want her telling anyone, especially her boyfriend who is also my friend. I do have an ex situationship, I am not that close with him but I have this feeling that he won't tell anyone. It will be awkward to ask but for some reason I know that he won't tell a soul. The nearest abortion clinic is a town away, an hour drive. Will it hurt? Can I drive after? Will I cry? Will it hurt the next day?

"Can you drive me to the abortion clinic?"

#girlblogging #dear diary #just girly posts #loser #personal #send help

[meow6-logins]

Dream #4 i think

I had two dreams last night, they were both weird. In my first dream it seemed that I was freshly engaged to my fiance who was very tall and handsome. He resembled my highschool sweetheart, maybe that's why I thought he was handsome. He had kind eyes but didn't say much. We were on a trip visiting his family, we planned to stay at his sister's house for the night. Her house was beautiful, we were greeted by her garden that stood in front of the house. After entering the house his sister showed us the room in which we were staying in, it looked like a master bedroom with a walk in closet and our own bathroom. After his sister left us we decided to shower together. Him and I giggled in the shower because of how luxurious and huge the shower was, we just couldn't believe it. Our view included dark blue tile and two shower heads, there was even a place to sit and a separate bathtub. After our shower my hair began to fall off, as if it was melting off, like hair that's damaged by bleach. It felt like my world was ending. My first thought was "No I can't be ugly, I'm getting married soon! Oh no, his sister is going to talk behind my back to the rest of the family and laugh at his brother for picking an ugly girl!" I woke up in a panic then went back to sleep. In my second dream, I was in my friends car and I was crying. My friend looked really worried, he hugged me tight and told me to catch my breath. While he hugged me, he brushed my hair with his hands, as if he was awkwardly petting a cat. It felt comforting and I began to calm down. Once I started to calm down he let go, he began to tell me "it was for the better, things will work out". I didn't know why I was crying but it felt so real. His expression and seriousness scared me because in real life this friend is never serious or in tune with emotions, around me at least.

Anyways, I woke up and went on with my day like nothing happened. La la la la la :,)))))

#girlblogging #dear diary #just girly posts #personal #manic pixie dream girl #dreamcore

[meow6-logins]

October

I miss you. I miss talking to you and hearing you ramble about things that I don't care about but because it's coming from you I am more than willing to put everything down and listen. Last time we talked I tried to act like I didn't care, but I did, I always do. I hate that I always care. I care so much.

You told me that you missed me and still loved me, I wonder how much it meant. You confuse me many times. You only want me when I am gone. I wonder if this was one of those times.

I want to see you. You told me you're not so far from me, only 5 hours. I want to drive those 5 hours to see you. Spend time with you, catch up, as friends of course.

You confuse me. It's easy to get lost in you.

#draft posting #girlblogging #dear diary #just girly posts #loser #personal #relationship #send help

[meow6-logins]

Running away

I told him how I feel, trapped. I didn't say that exactly but I let him down easily. I told him I need time for myself and I can't handle a relationship right now.

I feel free, I feel bad because I know it hurt him hearing that. I want him to know how much of a good person he is. He is the best thing that happened in my life. I believe that he deserves the world.

#girlblogging #dear diary #just girly posts #personal #relationship #draft posting

[meow6-logins]

In circles

So many scenarios are replaying in my head. I can't find the pause button. My life right now feels weird, I don't understand it.

[meow6-logins]

Runaway

I want to call it quits, I miss my old life. This really sucks, I like valentine's day, I should look at him and see my future but I don't. I don't understand why but being in a relationship feels annoying, I feel like I can't be myself, I can't breath. I want to leave, I don't understand why. He is literally so perfect but it feels like he doesn't belong to me. In the beginning I had doubts but I chose to ignore them because I wanted something to work out for me, I thought I was ready. Well let's be host, I wasn't, I knew it from the beginning but it sounded nice to have something work out for me.

It was fun hanging out and getting to know each other in the beginning. I should have waited a bit longer before making things official, because now that I am getting to know his personality I am coming to the conclusion that he's not for me. When I am with him, it almost feels like he's trying to be the solution to all my problems and I don't like it. I don't understand why I don't like it, it should be a good quality of his, right? I can't pinpoint if I don't like it or if I'm not use to it.

There's a little voice in my head telling me to break up with him and runway. I don't like that about myself, I run away from my problems. I think the pressure of making things official is where the problem lies. It felt like everyone including him were telling me what's good for me, which he is but it's hard to accept it. It makes me feel trapped, boxed up, I don't like people telling me what to do. I hate that I sound so rude. I think I am going to keep trying, play it out by ear. This is bad but going back on breaking up with him and running away, I sometimes wish he didn't like me. Like what if I was too straightforward and he viewed it as me being mean, then he breaks up with me because of it. October use to be like that.

#girlblogging #dear diary #just girly posts #personal #relationship #loser