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megbontra · 2 years

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I won't lie - queries are hard. I've joked that writing a query (and a synopsis, though that's a whole other beast) is harder than writing a book, and in a way it's true. From word counts, to comps, to formats, to hooks, queries are forbidding, prohibitive, and almost mythical in their formulation. Confusion, pressure, and - worst of all - unsolicited advice abounds. People will tell you that there is one way to write a query that will get you an agent, guaranteed. But the truth of the matter is that there is no guaranteed way to get an agent. And there's no perfect way to write a query. It's all about a little presentation, and a lot of luck.

The query that got me an agent was probably the hundredth query that I wrote. My first query was... embarrassing. I think about all the agents that read it with their own two human eyes, and I think about shriveling and dying. But I read other successful queries. I learned. And I tweaked. Learning by watching others - particularly in an industry as rife with unnecessary gatekeeping and mysticism as this one - is key. So I'm going to show you my first query for EYE OF THE OUROBOROS and the last. I won't tell you what to do and what not to do. But I will show you what worked for me. Point and laugh at my abysmal attempt to be cool, different, and a standout from the slush... and then learn from my mistakes.

First, the dreaded "oh lord, what fresh hell is this" query, complete with weird formatting and meta references:

Dear [AGENT],

FEDERAL BUREAU OF REALITY

-- CONFIDENTIAL --

Theodora Buchanan’s missing sister is the one case she can’t solve.

Since the day her sister, Flora, disappeared in the National Forest catacombed around Mill Creek, Theo has devoted her life to finding her. But her tenacity, and her proclivity for sticking her crooked nose where it doesn’t belong, has caught the attention of the Federal Bureau of Reality, who arrive on the eve of a spectacular rescue in the woods to ensure that Theo’s findings never see the light of day.

The members of the National Parks Service Search and Rescue team know better than anyone that the woods have a habit of taking people and refusing to give them back. They also know that when you find a door in the woods, you don’t go through it - for fear of never coming back through again. Theo’s obsession with these strange doors has stacked the odds against her; no matter how many lost little girls she finds in the woods, she will never be able to reconcile the fact that it’s not Flora who’s come home safe, and that it’s her fault that she’s missing in the first place. Theo cares little for men in suits looking to silence question-askers, nor for Mothman-groupies who insist that Flora was taken by little green men in the sky.

However, when she goes through an open doorway in the woods, only to find herself flung through space and time with no more than a step across a threshold, she is sure that Flora’s disappearance is something not of this world at all. Or, perhaps, not of this reality.

The Federal Bureau of Reality is always watching. And they don’t like it when doors to other worlds are opened by local drunks - certainly not doors to the Ouroboros, the stomach of the universe, and the place where all beginnings and ends intersect. Together with a ladder-climbing journalist, a fellow ranger, a conspiracy theorist, and a rogue member of the Bureau’s Requisitions Department, Theo must enter the Ouroboros and its infinite connected realities to find Flora - before the Bureau does.

The doors to other worlds are open. And Theo doesn’t plan to let them close again. Not without [REDACTED].

Eye of the Ouroboros is a 116k horror novel with thriller and sci-fi crossover potential for fans of Gillian Flynn and “The Magnus Archives”, and is comparable to The Hollow Places and Annihilation. It is a stand-alone novel with series potential.

Because of your interest in both paranormal/supernatural horror and thrillers, I think that this project would be great for your representation. You mention both on your Twitter MSWL and your actual MSWL page that you're also interested in socially claustrophobic and relationship-driven horror and thriller, and a major through-line of this project is grief and blame in both an insular small town and an oppressive family. This project also features OwnVoices LGBTQ+ representation.

Please find the first ten sample pages below. Content warnings include gore and body horror. Thank you for your consideration!

Best, Megan Bontrager

There is... so much wrong with this query. I thought that by emulating a confidential government document - which is relevant to the book - I could stand out. But it just makes me look like I don't know the conventions of query-writing. It's also way too long for a query (not to mention the word count of the book itself; you'll notice that change in the last draft as well), and rambles on forever. Theo's motivations and desires are muddied by overwrought language, the stakes are unclear (they're literally redacted - what was I thinking?), and it's just all-around ineffective. At this point, I also hadn't fully committed to one genre. I'd hoped that the multi-genre bag could get me into more inboxes, but it didn't. Here, at least, it made me look unprepared.

Conversely, let's look at the query that I sent to my now-agent:

Dear Mr. Johnson,

When vengeful and guilt-stricken park ranger Theo Buchanan gets too close to the truth of her sister Flora’s strange disappearance, the Federal Bureau of Reality intervenes to ensure that the otherworldly answers she finds never see the light of day.

The members of the National Parks Service Search and Rescue team know better than anyone that the woods surrounding the insular town of Mill Creek, West Virginia have a habit of taking people and refusing to give them back. They also know that when you find a door in the woods, you don’t go through it - for fear of never coming back through again. But Theo's tenacity, and her proclivity for sticking her crooked nose where it doesn’t belong, has caught the attention of the Federal Bureau of Reality: those who stand sentinel at the gates of the Infinite Corridor, in which endless hostile realities converge. And when Theo steps boldly through a door in the woods and into the Infinite Corridor, she learns just how far they're willing to go in order to keep all its doors locked tight - and to silence those who stumble upon it, like Flora, permanently.

Together with her journalist ex-girlfriend, a fellow ranger, a conspiracy theorist, and a rogue member of the Bureau’s Requisitions Department, Theo must enter the Infinite Corridor and its web of connected realities to find Flora - before the Bureau does.

Eye of the Ouroboros is a 108k cosmic horror novel with science fiction crossover potential for fans of “The Magnus Archives”, and is comparable to The Fisherman and Dark Matter. This book is also what would happen if Gillian Flynn wrote “The X-Files”. It’s a stand-alone with series potential, and is a queer story written by a queer author.

I am a recent graduate of Johns Hopkins University’s Writing MA program, with a BFA in Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida. My publishing credits include short stories in literary journals and poems in university presses. Most recently, you can see my work in “Eros & Thanatos: An Anthology of Death and Desire” from Quill and Crow Publishing House.

I’m really excited to be querying you with this project, as all the interests listed on your MSWL page really align with what’s at work in this book. Because of your interest in SFF and thought-provoking horror, unconventional and found family dynamics, strong non-romantic relationships, themes of redemption, and complicated rivalries, I think that this project would be a stellar fit for your list. Also, my own real-life dog is a major character. His name is Bear, and he's the coolest. He lives, I promise!

Please find the first 25 pages attached. Thank you in advance for your consideration!

All the best,

Megan Bontrager

Sheesh! Talk about a difference! This query is so much more concise, more catchy, and more effective. I started with the kind of hook you could use in a Twitter pitch contest, and expanded from there. I made sure that the stakes were clear - from the grander stakes to the smaller interpersonal stakes - and prioritized telling the agent precisely what Theo wants. It also follows the formatting conventions that are generally accepted by agents and editors, which I'm sure was a relief to every inbox this version landed in.

There is no magical catch-all that'll guarantee you an agent or a book deal. As much as we all wish there was, there's just not. There's also no precise formula for the perfect query. But there is a way to present yourself, and your book, in the best way possible. Author Sami Ellis has a lot of great resources on her website for querying writers, and I probably would have thrown myself into the sea had I not used her cheat sheets while querying.

All in all, querying is a wild and lawless wilderness. But there are ways to see yourself to the other side. For me, it was watching and learning - and being willing to make mistakes. Compare these queries, and see where I went wrong. And then see where I went right!

As always, my inbox (and my Twitter DMs) are open for inquiries, questions, vents, and the like. Querying is lonely, but it can be less so with a good community.

Go out and be good!

#blog post

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