manslaught

[manslaught]

mikayla doesn't think she looks ridiculous at all— in fact, she completely disagrees, thinking that tai pulls it off better than even she does, but maybe that's only because she thinks she looks beautiful regardless of what she's wearing. “ not even if i beg? ” mikayla asks with a pout, but it doesn't last for long, lips widening into a grin despite her attempts to hide it. “ shut up. it's cute. ” she insists, sitting up on her bed, reaching out to grab at tai's — or her own, technically — skirt so she could pull her closer. “ um, can you at least give me time to enjoy this? ” not that she actually needs time, because she's sure the image of tai in her cheer uniform is already committed to memory. “ i haven't even shown you any cheers yet. ” she's not actually planning to, either— she just wants to hear tai complain.

this is probably the most ridiculous she's ever felt,   and it's likely the most ridiculous she's ever looked,  too.   it's a sign of how much she likes mikayla,   how willing she is to do something like this just to bring a smile out of @manslaught  —    even if that smile likely comes with relentless teasing that tai is already dreading,  but she looks forward to it all the same,  too.     ❝  i'm not holding a fucking pom pom,  so this is all you're going to get,  ❞   she claims,  glancing down at herself wearing mikayla's cheer uniform and rolling her eyes as she confirms she does,  in fact,  look as ridiculous as she feels.   ❝  i'm willing to admit just this one time that you are actually better at me than something—   and that's wearing this stupid outfit,  ❞  she claims, finally looking back up at mikayla and grinning,  because she finds it hard not to these days.   ❝  now how long are you going to make me wear this?  because I could just take it off—   ❞   she claims.

#ladyintree #ladyintree: 63. #thread. #au: no crash. #shouldve known it would be in the 1 verse where nothing bad happens to them #(mikayla: um??? i dont think thats true-)

[manslaught]

it never crossed her mind what travis' reaction to mikayla completely trashing their kitchen would be, too focused on her own heartbreak to consider anything else. even now, she can hardly manage it, numb to everything around her, including the deep gash in her hand. mikayla can't even find it in herself to be grateful he's here; instead, she's just embarrassed, ashamed to have such a visceral reaction to the news when it's been seven years since she's even been in the same room as taissa. it's fucking pathetic, crying, almost bleeding out, all while the woman she's crying over probably hasn't even thought about her in years.

she's too busy feeling sorry for herself to think about what he must be going through, seeing her like this; all she can think is how she wishes she would just die. not necessarily because of the engagement, but because her entire life feels like it has no purpose. there's no possible way for her to ever be happy again, because she'd forever be haunted by her past, forever have to live with what she did to her father, the way it made the rest of the world see her, stripping away any opportunity she might have had to become something, because now, she'll always just be the survivor who snapped, the girl who killed her father in cold blood. she's always been used to having a shitty life, because she's never known anything else, but being with her made everything feel like maybe it had some purpose— like she could accept everything that was happening to her, because at least she had one good thing to hold onto.

now, she doesn't even have that.

“ i don't want to— ” she manages to start through her sobs, but she cuts herself off, hyperventilating, unable to catch her breath. mikayla looks down at her hand, but her vision is blurry, so all she can see is red, the blood pooling in her palm, dripping all over her lap. “ i don't want— to live like this. ” even she's not entirely sure what she means, but it doesn't matter to her in the moment, hardly able to focus on anything she's saying.

the blood loss is starting to make her feel light headed, but she's too upset to care, pressing her injured hand against her leg in some attempt to put pressure in it, to slow the bleeding, leaning in to him, using her opposite hand to clutch at his shirt. “ she's— ” she doesn't even want to form the words, to make them more real, even if misty's words have been echoing in her head ever since she spoke them into the phone. “ —engaged. ” she chokes the word out, feeling sick as she does.

mikayla inhales sharply, trying desperately to just breathe, but it gets caught in her throat, forcing her to cough. she looks down at all of the blood again, thinking about the first time she had to see her hands covered in blood, when she was still there to comfort her, to tell her that she loved her anyway— then she thinks about the next time, when it was her father's, when suddenly, she had no one again. “ why can't— what's wrong with me? ” a lot, she knows, but she thought it was all something that tai could accept, but apparently, she was wrong. “ why's it so easy for everyone to just— forget about me? ” her mother, her father, the girl she loves. what's the point in going on when it just means letting that list get longer? “ am i that bad? ”

finding her like this brought him back to a place he's tried to forget for the last decade, with no real progress  —-   his baby brother dead,  a haunting image that anything can trigger,   especially something like this.    this is someone he’s come to see as a sister—   though he’s never had any real confidence in saying the title out loud,  nor has he ever felt like he deserved her calling him anything similar,   but whenever their relationship changed and turned into something familial,   he made a promise to himself that he wouldn’t lose her the way he lost his brother.   he would do better this time,   he would protect her in ways he failed to do for him,    he would be the kind of brother she could rely on for anything,  even her darkest thoughts,   ones he’s gotten used to from her and from himself,  a harsh similarity they share.

what’s different between finding her like this and his brother the way he did back then is that there’s so much more blood here,   too much that he’s not even sure how to go about cleaning it up just yet—   but their home is far from his concern,   his only real thoughts now focused entirely on her and figuring out how the hell she got like this.

@manslaught said, "i might just die, it would make no difference."

he’s been close to death more times than he could count—  close enough to feel something other than agony,   a relief of some sort that he was desperate to hold onto,  but it never lasted.   he and nat made a promise to each other long ago that they would never let themselves go that far—  but he’s never been certain that mikayla was in on the same deal, too,  and the more she struggled to cope with everything that was taken from her,  the more worried travis got that she would never find any peace   (   he could accept that peace wasn’t for him—-   but she deserved it,  more than anyone he knew.  )   it’s instinct to jump to the worst conclusion— to believe that she did this on purpose,  finally hitting a breaking point he always feared she might,  and her words do nothing to soothe him,  forcing tears from his own eyes as he frantically tries to care to her wounds. 

❝  it would.   it would make a fucking difference,   ❞    he blurts out,  ignoring the blood on his hand that isn’t his as he brings it up to her shoulder,   forcing her to look back at him.   he’s not one for eye contact usually,   but he doesn’t shy away from it now,  locking his eyes with hers in hopes that she can hear him.   ❝  it would make a difference to me.   i can’t—  ❞    he starts,  his jaw clenching as he sniffles,  trying to force his tears away,  because he’s worked so hard for years not to let himself fall apart like this,   but seeing her like this,  remembering the way he’s failed to protect his family before,   he can’t do it.   

❝  no.  okay?  just—  tell me what happened.   tell me what happened,  mikayla,  and we can figure it out together.  ❞    he’s never really been good at that,  but it’s all he can offer—   a chance for her to not be alone,  because she never is,  not when he’s around,   another promise he’s made to himself and to her.   he doesn’t know about her phone call,  doesn’t know about her ex-girlfriend planting roots to her new life;   all he knows is that mikayla could have died if he didn’t walk in when he did,   and it sounds like she’s okay with that.   he can’t blame her— not when he’s had the same thought before,  one he refused to voice,   because it made him feel sick with guilt.

❝  i'm sorry, mikayla, but i'm not letting you fucking die, ❞ he pleads.

#itchose #itchose: 28. #thread. #main. #yj: 2005. #suicide ment / #im sick

[manslaught]

when tai steps closer, mikayla starts to wonder if maybe she made a mistake, letting herself tease her, borderline flirt with her— but it's hard to think that way when this is what feels natural for them, not their attempt at a friendship, as if that ever worked out for them before. so it's hard to make herself stop, to even want to. “ oh, so you were just able to completely focus before? you weren't even a little distracted today? ” because she would have been, if the roles were reversed— knowing tai was on a date would torment her, but maybe she can't use herself as an example when her attention span is already bad enough as it is.

her eyes roll, head falling back in feigned annoyance, but the slight smile on her face gives her away. “ i'm not the worst. i've watched, like, a hundred fucking movies since getting out. you're my problem, ” she accuses, lightly kicking at her with her foot before scooting closer to the edge of the counter, just to be closer. “ you're the one who doesn't let me focus. you don't shut up. ” she doesn't even know if that's entirely true, because mikayla's distracted by her even when she's not speaking, finding herself unable to pay attention even when tai's just doing homework on the opposite side of the room.

tai frowns,  because she’s frustrated—  not at mikayla,  but because she doesn’t know how to move forward in a way that makes sense for both of them.  she wants to prove her wrong,  wants to show her exactly how wanted she is,   but it doesn’t feel like something that’s allowed.  ❝  i’m trying to,  ❞   she argues,  looking back at her, desperately wishing they could find themselves back on the same page.    

when tai’s eyes glance back up to hers,  she feels a sense of pride in seeing her blush,  and it starts to make her smirk,   like she’s won the game,   but just a moment later,  she feels guilty for giving in at all,  because as much as she craves the power in all situations,   she doesn’t get it with mikayla.  she lets out a scoff,  adjusting her body to stand up straight because now she feels awkward,  too.    her next words don���t help,  and without giving herself the chance to stop herself,  she takes one small step towards her.   ‘i’m yours’ are words she could replay in her head over and over,   but still,  she’s not convinced they’ll ever feel real again,  despite how much she wishes they were.   ❝  no,  ❞   she says simply,   her eyes drifting over her features,  lingering longer than she wished.  ❝  i spent all night studying.  you’re here now.  and you have my full attention,  ❞    she promises,  meeting her eyes again.   it’s not like her to willingly take breaks from her work— but if she’s learned anything about this friendship with mikayla,  it’s that she had plenty of time for her in school when she was avoiding her,  and she doesn’t want to keep wasting that time.    ❝ i’d suggest another movie,  but you’re kind of the worst at watching them,   ❞    she adds with a teasing grin.   

#ladyintree #ladyintree: 59. #thread. #main. #yj: 2003. #pathetic

[manslaught]

mikayla knows what she's doing is probably unhealthy— but she doesn't know what else to do, because at least when she's with some random woman for the night, just for a moment, she can forget how completely alone she actually is, forget that while she's struggling just to make it through the day, the love of her life is completely fine without her, in love with someone else. “ in my defense, ” she begins, though she knows what she's about to say is only going to make her look worse. “ i don't talk to most of them long enough to find out how clingy they are. i don't even know her name. most of their names, actually. ” mikayla frowns, trying to recall just one name of a woman she's been with recently, but they all blur together, all the same to her: they're not her.

she sighs, sinking further back into the couch, staring at the scars on her hands. “ yeah— sorry. guess i should've asked before i started just... bringing people home. ” her eyes close in annoyance at the sound of another knock, falling silent for a moment before she starts laughing, but it comes out bitter. “ i'm with her for one night and she won't leave me alone, but i'm with someone for over a fucking year and she just— forgets about me. ” she tries to sound more amused than resentful, but it's difficult for her to find anything funny about it.

travis’s head turns slowly to look back at her,  his brows furrowed in confusion.   ❝  i wasn’t going to,  ❞   he mumbles,  as if that was obvious by the way he hadn’t budged since the knocking started.   people don’t usually come here for him,   and if it were nat,   she’d already be inside.   but as she goes on,  he starts to sit up,  letting out a soft scoff  in amusement.   he’s worried about her,   and he’s mostly expressed that without saying it directly,  but she’s clearly not going to listen to any of his advice—  and maybe she shouldn’t,  because it’s not like he’s got any experience in anything like this.   he just hopes that there’s something genuine beyond all this— that she may actually be trying to move on.  ❝  or you don’t fuck girls who are—  ❞   he’s cut off by another knock,   and he turns to look at the door with a sigh.   ❝  — like that.  ❞   he takes a deep breath,  sitting back in his chair and pushing his hair back.   ❝  not a bad idea, though.  having strangers here is kind of  .  .  .   ❞   he trails off,  because he doesn't want to blame mikayla for anything.  and he doesn’t,  but he can’t deny it does feel strange,  never knowing if he can trust an unfamiliar face.   ❝  kind of weird, i guess.   not you, though.  whatever you’re doing—  it’s okay.  i’m not, you know, judging you.   or anything.  ❞

#itchose #itchose: 27. #thread. #main. #yj: 2006. #petty mikayla era too ig (thats every era)

[manslaught]

“ don't answer the door. ” mikayla doesn't move from her seat on the couch, trying to ignore the knocks on the door, twisting her head around to look at travis. “ it's that blonde i brought home the other day. she's, like— fucking obsessed or something. ” either convinced she might be able to pull some stories out of mikayla or actually looking for a real relationship, mikayla's not sure, but she's not interested in either. “ lesson learned, i guess— i'll fuck them at their place, not mine. ” it's for the best, probably, because she's started to feel bad, bringing home a new girl practically every night, unsure if it was starting to annoy @itchose, because she never actually asked.

#itchose #itchose: 27. #thread. #main. #yj: 2006. #mikayla in her fuckboy era. sorry travis. she's coping (badly)

[manslaught]

“ nat, ” she starts, glancing up at her for a moment. “ she didn't even write me. ” even if tai was, somehow, too afraid to see her, to call her, she could have at least done that much, but most of the mail she received were from complete strangers, never her. mikayla's expression is pained, because it hurts to talk about this after spending so many years just bottling it up, dealing with it on her own, tormenting herself without any release. “ i want to see her. more than— fuck, anything, but... ” but she doesn't want to see me. the only thing that stops her from saying it is the fact she doesn't want to hear nat point out that mikayla doesn't actually know again, because she already feels certain of it. “ i would. she's doing good... without me. i don't have anything to offer anymore. ”

there’s a part of nat that knows she could say something to tai,  but she promised herself years ago that it wasn’t up to her to meddle,  even though she’s stuck in the middle,  connected to both of them in different ways.  she feels guilty for it regardless,  which is why she’s trying to encourage it to come from mikayla’s side—  because while taissa has helped her through things she couldn’t rely on anyone else for,  they’ve never had talks like the one she’s trying to have with mikayla,  or the ones they’ve had when they were younger.    ❝  not really fair to say that,  when you don’t know—  ❞    she mumbles,  but she also knows she’s probably feel the same in her position,  anyway.    ❝ —-  if you don’t want to see her again,  i get it.  somedays it feels like the easiest way to move forward,  ❞    she mumbles,  at least in her own situation,  though she and travis are much different than what’s happened to mikayla and tai.  ❝  i don't think you'd fuck anything up. for . . . whatever it's worth. ❞

#itchose #itchose: 25. #thread. #main. #yj: 2003.

[manslaught]

mikayla's eyes immediately roll toward the ceiling, biting back an annoyed sigh, because she was deliberate about her wording— that she wants to feel wanted, not just be told she was, because it's difficult to believe anything tai says when she made her feel unwanted for years, when she's a big part of the reason her confidence is so destroyed. “ you're just— not listening, ” she grumbles instead of arguing, because clearly, tai already understands that mikayla doesn't feel it. she just wants things to go back to the way they used to be, when she never had to doubt what tai felt for her, when she was so confident in what they had that she spent an entire year telling herself that tai would come to see her eventually, that she was just busy, until her birthday came around and she realized that was never happening. maybe it's not possible to get that back, but if tai could at least try to earn it back— then maybe they'd finally be able to be together again.

she doesn't actually expect tai to play along, assuming that her no would be the only answer she gets, so when tai does show her, she freezes, holding her breath. suddenly, mikayla feels like she's losing, almost letting out a frustrated sigh— frustrated at herself for wanting this, frustrated at tai for being the reason they can't have it. somehow, she manages to hold it back, reminding herself to breathe as she looks back up to tai's eyes, trying desperately to act normal, despite the way her face burns. “ um, yeah. ” she's failing at it, and it's embarrassing, especially when her voice cracks, so she decides to mostly drop the game, changing the subject. “ so, now that i'm yours, what are you going to do with me? ” her phrasing is intentional, because she's not done trying to get a rise out of tai. “ or do i just have to spent another night watching you do homework? ”

tai stares back at her for a long moment,  trying to figure out if she’s actually willing to tell her—  but she’s not surprised when she doesn’t, because part of her knows that if there is ever a chance for them to come back together,  it’s not going to be mikayla who suggests it first.  and so far,  it can’t be taissa, either,  because she has to be patient and go about it carefully.  mikayla asked for a friendship,  and tai’s genuinely trying to give her that,  no matter how hard it is.   so she says nothing, letting out a sigh and accepting that as mikayla’s answer.

her entire body freezes,  surprised that mikayla is actually admitting to any of that,  but she’s relieved to hear it anyway.   she lets out a shaky breath,  nodding her head slowly as she thinks it over.   ❝  i wouldn’t want anyone to, either,  ❞   she admits,  because even though they haven’t really gotten into what relationships were had in their time apart,  tai wants her to know that— no one was going to replace her, either.  but her brows furrow, wishing she could tell her that she’s wrong about the rest:   she is wanted,  she always has been,  even when tai was horrible at showing her,  showing the opposite instead.   she starts to overthink it— is this an opening?   is this a chance for her to tell mikayla that she does want her, still?  she’s too afraid to say it outright,  but she still wants to give her something.    ❝  you are,  ❞   she says quietly,  even though she’s sure she won't even believe her.   ❝  i know it might not feel like it,  but—  you are wanted,  mikayla.   ❞    by me,  she implies.  

her eyes narrow in on her for a moment,  wondering if her question is serious—  but of course it is,  because it’s still mikayla.   and it’s refreshing, actually, seeing this hint of the person she used to be,  regaining some kind of confidence even if it’s at tai’s expense.  she’s relieved to see it.   she starts to hum,  a small smirk tugging at her lips.   ❝  no,  ❞   she answers simply, raising a brow as she wonders if mikayla would be satisfied with that answer,  though she knows she’s not.  and maybe she shouldn’t take the bait,  but she gives in,  anyway.   if mikayla wants to play a game,  what else does tai have to do?  she twists her body slightly,  one hand pulling her shirt just barely,  the other moving to the waistband of her sweatpants and tugging down,  just enough to view an inch of what she’s wearing underneath.   ❝  oh—  ❞   she mutters nonchalantly.   ❝  grey, i guess,  ❞   she says,  dropping her shirt and pulling her hands away quickly,  as if it doesn’t really matter.  a smirk threatens to tug at her lips,  but she does her best to keep her composure as her eyes drift back to hers.   ❝  are we even now?  ❞  she asks,  even if she hasn’t seen the same—  but she’s definitely not going to ask,  because what she wants from mikayla goes beyond that.

#ladyintree #ladyintree: 59. #thread. #main. #yj: 2003.

[manslaught]

mikayla should be satisfied with herself for the way practice went, because maybe if her father were here, he would have been proud of the way she played— but deep down she knows that's not true anyway, that he would have somehow found something to complain about. so she hardly even cares about her own performance, more worried about tai— she just doesn't know how to communicate that in a healthy way, so she has to be a nuisance instead. she doesn't have an excuse for staying after practice, except that for once, she's not busy— her typical excuses for not going home don't work, because she's scheduled off from work and asher's busy, though she's not particularly disappointed about the latter. it's just to be around her, and the field feels safer than the locker room.

“ it's kind of fun, ” she smirks, because she doesn't have any other reason to be here. not one she could admit, anyway. mikayla shrugs, hands moving up to play with the ends of her hair, still in the ponytail from practice, since she hasn't bothered to change back into regular clothes yet. “ just wondering what your fucking problem was today. ” it's genuine, even if the way she presents it is harsh. mikayla just feels like she has to be that way, that this is the only way she can ask her if she's okay without having to admit she actually cares. “ i mean— i'm used to being better than you, but you don't usually suck. ”

@manslaught said, "you get on my nerves, you're so fucking annoying."

tai doesn't look away from the goal ahead as she sets up her next shot, but as mikayla insults her again for the seemingly hundredth time today, she kicks the next ball with more force, letting out a frustrated grunt as it just barely makes it into the goal. she thought she was the only one who stayed after practice, finding it necessary after coach kept pitting her against mikayla, telling her that she was falling behind. it's already frustrating to be compared to anyone when tai prides herself on being the best player on the field, but it's so much worse when it's the one person she already feels like she can't beat — so hearing her now makes her efforts feel completely futile.

she keeps her eyes ahead, bringing her hands to her forehead and pushing back against her headband in annoyance, waiting a long moment before she finally turns her body and looks back at mikayla again. ❝  you're usually the first one off this fucking field, ❞ she points out, bringing her hands down to her hips as she glares back at her. that's something she typically notices, considering she's always looking for a moment that never happens — not something she can think about now. ❝  so why are you still here? if i get on your nerves that badly? or is this just fun for you, seeing how long you can keep pissing me off today? ❞   it's not entirely mikayla's fault, taissa was lacking today and likely deserved how hard coach and mikayla were on her, but she's never been good at taking accountability when it means admitting to her own failures.

#ladyintree #ladyintree: 62. #thread. #main. #yj: pre-crash. #bullying her out of concern <3 romance

[manslaught]

she's been lying at the lake wondering what the fuck's wrong with her for a while now, even before she started feeling physically off— mikayla could have gotten what she wanted, could have disappeared with taissa, instead of wandering off on her own, but she ruined it the way she always does, her fear getting in her way. when she hears someone approaching, she hopes it's her, because maybe now that her head's feeling cloudier, maybe she won't get in her own way— but it's javi instead. she's not disappointed, because she's never actually minded his presence, letting out a sigh of relief instead.

“ no. ” mikayla admits, forcing herself to sit up, grimacing as she does. she gets distracted for a moment, staring blankly at her crossed legs, until she remembers she's not alone anymore, forcing herself to look back over at javi. “ i'm— a fucking idiot. ” it's not like her to talk about herself like that, to put herself down instead of talk herself up, but she doesn't feel the need to be on guard around him.

he stares back at her blankly, lost both physically and mentally, but there's some comfort in seeing a familiar face — particularly hers, because he'd never forgotten what she did for him during the crash, even if it had been months. whatever was in the stew is clearly affecting him now, his eyes darting around @manslaught's for a long moment before he finally settles with a small nod. ❝  are you okay? ❞ she's clearly not, but he doesn't know what to expect from her, especially tonight, when nothing is making sense — because he still doesn't understand why his brother went off with someone he'd never seen him actually talk to.

#itchose #itchose: 26. #thread. #main. #yj: 1996. #me: you could write them on the plane lol #you instead: no lets write them on shrooms ?????? #i dont have the experience for this. should i do them just so i know-

[manslaught]

she has to tell herself she's fine, afraid that she'll just break down if she doesn't, but it's hard when nat's one of the only people in the world she knows she can be honest with, no matter how embarrassing the truth might be. mikayla swallows the lump forming in her throat, breaking eye contact, looking down at the ground instead. she was going to do something about it when she first got out, but she got in her head about it, realizing that she has nothing to offer tai anymore, that she must have never came to visit mikayla for a reason. “ she doesn't want me anymore, ” she mumbles, saying it out loud for the first time, though she's thought it every single day for years now. “ and i don't blame her. i'd just— fuck everything up and embarrass myself. ”

@manslaught said, "i'm bitter, but i swear i'm fine."

nat stares back at her blankly, and after a long moment, she finally lets out a sigh. ❝  mikayla, ❞ she says quietly, leaning forward to lock her eyes with hers, hit with a nostalgia from when they were kids and they could communicate without saying anything. she feels that now, because she knows there's so much more to it than that. ❝  you don't have to lie to me, ❞ she reminds, her brows furrowing. ❝  you never did, ❞ she reminds. ❝  you want to see her. right? you're out now. you're free. you're really not going to do anything about it? ❞

#itchose #itchose: 25. #thread. #main. #yj: 2003. #:/

[manslaught]

admittedly, when taissa first suggested running, mikayla didn't know how to feel about it— not because she wasn't confident tai would win, but because she knows how much attention it's going to draw on the both of them. since her release from prison so many years ago, mikayla's mostly tried to avoid drawing any attention to herself, hoping that the world might forget about what she did, so it's a little off-putting, knowing that her mistakes are going to be put on blast again. but tai wants it, and mikayla loves her enough to deal with all that attention again, because at least this time, she has her by her side.

“ do i seriously have to remind you that i'm not capable of resenting you? ” not for long, anyway. she wants to tell her that she doesn't care if tai wins or loses, that it's not going to change the way she feels about her, because it won't, but she doesn't want to even suggest the possibility of her losing, so she doesn't. “ i want whatever you want, tai. and— you're hot when you win. ” she manages a small smile, attempting to lighten the mood, but she gets more serious just a moment later, finally letting herself voice her only real concern. “ but they're probably going to use me against you. what i did to my dad— i don't want you to resent me because of that. ” it would be easier to win if she were married to someone else, someone who didn't have the kind of reputation mikayla has, and while she got over feeling like she was a burden to tai because of that decades ago, she's afraid to become one now.

she's not the kind of person who typically expresses her nerves, mostly because she doesn't want to believe they're real, and it's so much easier to keep them bottled up than to face them. more than that, she doesn't want anyone to see her falter; but mikayla's different, she always has been, and she knows that if she were to keep this from her, it would come out anyway, because mikayla wouldn't let her sit with it. her eyes close and she takes a deep breath, squeezing mikayla's hand as she tries to collect herself, mostly to convince herself she's just in her own head.

❝  i know, i know. it's a ridiculous question. i'm just— ❞ she starts, taking a deep breath and stretching her neck before finally looking back at mikayla. ❝  i know that i took on a lot. i knew that this was going to be hard on me. on us, ❞ she says, searching her eyes for a long moment. ❝  i'm not doubting myself. i'm doubting the fucking circumstances, you know how it goes. i knew, too. they see me for my past but they're afraid to see who i am now. i just worry that you'll, i don't know, resent me for taking all this on and not even fucking taking it. ❞ she scoffs, shaking her head. ❝  i know you said you were up for this, but — were you? were you okay with me running? ❞     she's looking for an excuse, a reason to believe that something else was off and not just her campaign.

#ladyintree #ladyintree: 61. #thread. #main. #yj: 2021.

[manslaught]

she does know what she wants, and that's exactly the problem— she doesn't think she's supposed to want tai, after everything, but she can't stop herself anyway. no matter how many times she reminds herself of what tai did, how she was able to just leave her behind without any thought to how much mikayla might have needed her, all she wants to focus on is how tai's here now, how she's finally starting to put in the effort that mikayla wanted her to for years. mostly, she just wants to learn how to be happy again— or just how to feel happiness in general, now that she no longer has to worry about surviving for the first time in twenty-five years. “ i do, ” she answers finally, but she's not willing to elaborate, not when she can't be sure if tai actually wants her back.

mikayla's not sure where her sudden confidence comes from— maybe it's just that tonight reminded her that she still is attractive to some people, that some of them are capable of seeing past what she did to her father. whatever it is, she'll take it, because she missed this, missed feeling like herself. “ they couldn't. ” she shouldn't admit that, probably, but it's the truth— even if she were somehow able to move on, it would never be anything like what they had. “ i wouldn't want them to, anyway. that's not what i'm trying to do— replace you or whatever. ” she glances down, hesitant to go on. “ i just want someone to, like— i don't know. make me feel wanted. ” without having to doubt it, although mikayla's not sure if that's something she can ever expect again, after everything. tai used to be that person for her, the only person in the world she never had to question, but she's not sure if she still is.

she expected a better reaction, so she's slightly disappointed, but she doesn't let it show, her smirk never faltering. it is amusing for her, watching tai try to pretend she's unaffected, but even if mikayla isn't sure what tai actually wants, she at least knows she's done something. “ really, ” she confirms, not bothering to hide how smug she is about it. she shouldn't be, because she should be embarrassed, thinking about her ex at a time like that, but it almost feels like it's working in her favor now. her breath catches slightly, but mikayla doesn't want to let her get the upper hand, so she tilts her head, crossing her legs. “ mm, is that what you're wearing now? ” her voice gets lower, the way it hasn't in years, because even when she slept with other women, she never bothered to actually talk to them. mikayla wants to reach for her, throw their stupid no contact rule out the window, but she manages some sort of self control. “ only fair you tell me, since you know what i'm wearing. unless you'd rather show me. ”

tai shoots a glare back at her,  because she knows mikayla doesn’t think that tai actually feels that way,  but she’s being pushed into a certain direction that she doesn’t know how to navigate.  ❝   I didn't say that,  either,  ❞   she mumbles,  taking a deep breath and desperately looking for a change of subject—   but it's hard,  when she's been dwelling on this very thing for so long now,  anyway.    ❝  —-  do you even know what you want?  ❞   she finally asks,  shooting a look back at her and raising a brow.  because really, it seems like mikayla's more focused on what tai is anticipating,  and tai is just desperate to know where mikayla stands. 

tai's jaw clenches,  because she's not expecting mikayla to call her on it.  she might have in the past,  but she was banking on her being too afraid to be too confrontational now,  because they're both trying not to cross a line.   she lets out a huff,  eyes closing briefly before opening to look back at her.   ❝  mikayla—   ❞   she starts,  speaking quietly,  because she feels guilty now.  she feels guilty that she wants to stand in her way,  guilty that it doesn't seem like she wants to encourage mikayla's happiness at all.  she wants her to be okay,  she wants her to be happy,  but she can't stomach the thought of that happening without her.  and that's why it's not fair —  because tai doesn't deserve it after she gave it away so long ago,  so how can she admit now that she wants to stand in her way,  knowing that mikayla doesn't want to be with her,  anyway?   ❝  I just want what's best for you, ❞     she settles on,  and she knows immediately that it's mostly a cop out.  ❝  I guess it's just  .  .  .   hard to imagine that there's someone else that could have,  you know—    what we had,  ❞    she admits,  nearly stumbling over her words,  because she doesn't want to be too direct,  doesn't want to claim that she's the best she can ever have,  given how much she screwed up,  but somehow,  in some twisted way,  she believes that,  too.  she believes she could be better for her now,  and she wishes she had the chance to show her that. 

 even before mikayla answers her question,  tai realizes that she's fallen into some kind of trap.  of course mikayla was playing a game with her.  but she never knows why,  unless it's simply just to torture her,  and sometimes,  she's afraid to ask—    afraid to look like some fool in the process,  even if mikayla's allowed to taunt her as much as she wants,  after what tai did and didn't do.  her eyes narrow in on mikayla,  and she starts to hum before she has to look away at the mention of thinking of her.  she lets out a scoff,  afraid to give in to her game,  but just as afraid to let it go.  ❝  really? ❞  she asks,  attempting to make her voice dry,  uninterested,  but it's clear in the way her features faltering that mikayla's gotten her.   ❝  —    well,  I'm sorry to disappoint,  but I don't own any purple.  not for that,   ❞    she claims,  attempting to regain some kind of leverage.   ❝  I do own red, though.  ❞

#ladyintree #ladyintree: 59. #thread. #main. #yj: 2003. #mikayla 😒

[manslaught]

there's no real reason for her to be like this with shauna— she never did anything to hurt mikayla, because mikayla never expected a visit from her. so she starts to feel bad, mustering just the smallest amount of remorse, closing her eyes. “ no, sorry, i just— ” i'm just fucking scared. scared of the state nat might be in, scared of facing tai again, scared of having to accept that the man she came to see as her brother is actually dead, because while she's known for days now, it still hasn't set in, but she knows that all of them coming together is going to force the reality of it to hit her, and she's not ready to face that in front of others. “ whatever, ” she cuts herself off, not knowing how to apologize for any of it.

it doesn't feel dramatic after convincing herself that's the way tai's viewed her all these years, like mikayla desousa just died the moment she became useless to her, the moment she didn't need her anymore. all of this just feels like a punch to the gut, a reminder that tai is capable of showing up for people— just not her. she inhales sharply, trying not to let it affect her, but it still hurts, no matter how long it's been. mikayla almost wants to be honest with shauna and tell her that no, she can't handle facing taissa for the first time in over twenty years in the middle of grieving one of her best friends, but they were never that close, so showing that much vulnerability isn't an option. “ i'm here for nat, ” she says, hoping shauna doesn't notice the way her voice shakes. “ and— travis. ” it's a reminder to herself, mostly, so that she doesn't just head back to her car and drive away, the way she's tempted to. they deserve more than that. “ so i'll deal with whatever i have to. even her. ”

somehow, staying out here with shauna feels less uncomfortable than heading inside— something she never would have imagined in a million years. so she stalls by continuing with her apology, almost awkward about it. “ look, i don't need things to be shittier than they're already going to be, so— i am sorry for— you know, what i said. it's just a lot, being back here. ” the last time she was in this town, she killed her father, ruining her life in the process.

shauna stares back at her blankly for a long moment before her eyes widen and she waves her hand in front of her.   ❝  so—  that's what that was?  a congratulations?  ❞   she asks dryly,   letting out a small scoff.   her hand tugs at the edge of her jacket and she lets out a small sigh.   ❝  okay.  sure.  thank you,  ❞    she mutters,    because she knows there’s nothing genuine about her words,   but at least if they can move on from the jackie of it all,  she’ll take it.

she doesn’t actually want to offend mikayla.   maybe there was a time in the past that she would have gotten a rise out of it,   and she does feel that now too,   but it wasn’t her intention.  she’s surprised that she’s here at all,  because she didn’t expect her to be a team player—  not that shauna is,  either,  but if tai calls,  she’s going to come.  she just had to fight back,  and tai isn’t exactly acting acting as a protective shield between them anymore.   she rolls her eyes,  unable to stop it from happening.   ❝   that’s —  okay, dramatic,  ❞   she mutters with a small sigh.   ❝  yes,  of course she’s here.  why wouldn’t she be?  ❞   she asks,  her brows furrowing as she looks back at her.   ❝  are you going to be able to handle that?  ❞   her tone may be bitter,  accusatory,   but there’s something genuine behind it,  too.   she doesn’t want mikayla to hurt more than she’s likely going to,  given the news they’ve heard.   she wants this to go smoothly— but that’s clearly not going to be an option,  especially because shauna’s just as nervous to reunite with whoever else is in there,  too.    

#itchose #itchose: 24. #thread. #main. #yj: 2021. #mikayla being capable of apologizing to shauna but not calypso is funny asdjflkasdj

[manslaught]

it's hard to believe that shauna kept track, because taissa turner didn't seem to, never bothering to show up in the years during or after her sentence. mikayla's managed to go the past few years without slipping back into those thoughts, distracting herself with work, with her wife, but being back home makes it impossible— even if she and tai were never actually together here. “ well, no, but i never got to congratulate you or whatever. ” not that she would have expected an invite. the only way she would have gone was if tai made her, but that's not a thought she wants to focus on, especially when she has enough to mourn.

the moment shauna tells her no, mikayla already knows who called her instead. and it stings, even if it comes as no surprise, because it just confirms that tai was capable of keeping in touch with some of them— just not her. she hates it, the way her chest deflates, becoming visibly uncomfortable, because as strong as she wants to convince herself she is, the thought of having to face the woman who meant everything to her, the woman she meant nothing to, on top of dealing with travis' death feels crushing. “ i'm, like, dead to her, apparently, so obviously not. but you knew that. ” why the fuck didn't nat say anything? she knows she can't actually hold it against her, given what she's dealing with right now, but she starts to feel sick with nerves as she glances toward the building, the confidence she had just moments ago beginning to fade. “ so she's here? ”

her jaw clenches,  and she does everything in her power not to falter at the mention of jackie.   she’d prefer to never hear that name again,   but it’s not like she hasn’t gotten used to it—  the taylors bring her up every chance they get,  and her daughter’s still got questions shauna doesn’t know how to answer.  but hearing her name from another survivor feels like something different,   it stings deeper,  considering what they went through.    ❝  i thought you were only in prison for 5 years—  did you really miss that much? ❞   she asks,   as if her news is old,   because it feels like it to shauna.   yeah,  she got the guy— but that was never the prize.   

her eyes roll,  because she doesn’t care about randy,  and she definitely doesn’t want to talk about him either,  as if that might push her luck and he’ll reveal to her husband she was here at all.   she glances around,  like she’s afraid he’s still watching, but when she doesn’t spot him,  she turns her attention back to mikayla.  ❝  no,  actually,  ❞   she says,  matter-of-factly,   and finally,  she finds her opening to bite back.  it’s not fair to tai,   but mikayla’s surely about to find out anyway,   so she takes it anyway.   ❝  taissa called me,  ❞    she says,  standing up straight,  pushing her hair back gently.   ❝  i’m going to assume she wasn’t the one who called you,  ❞   she adds. 

#itchose #itchose: 24. #thread. #main. #yj: 2021.

[manslaught]

mikayla's jaw clenches, because it's fine when she insults tai, but allie even insinuating anything about her fills her with rage— but somehow, she manages to bottle it, biting on the inside of her cheek to keep from saying anything. she starts laughing, but there's no humor in it at all, because while her father makes her insecure, she still knows she's better than her— not good enough for him, but for once, that doesn't matter here. “ that's so cute! but you're not. ” she's good, even if mikayla would never admit it to her, but she still has a long way to go before she's on the same level as her— and honestly, for allie's sake, she hopes she never has to push herself as much as mikayla does, that she'll never be forced to play with the same desperation as her. “ that's something babies say. are you going to throw a fit about it next? ”

she can't wait until she graduates, either, because that means she's finally fucking free, finally able to get away from her father, live a life that isn't completely consumed by paranoia— assuming she doesn't get killed before then. “ you're not fucking modest, either. ” and then, just to bruise allie's ego, because mikayla's not above hurting a child's feelings— “ by the way, jj had some other girl all over him the other night. so are you two still on for prom? ”

her eyes roll as she pretends not to take that personally.   ❝  thank god for that,  ❞    she mumbles,   but her personal beef with taissa is mostly the act that taissa is hard on her— rightfully so,   it just seems like allie can’t impress her the same way she can impress others.   allie looks back at her with an amused look on her face,   acting as if she doesn’t believe her.   that’s not true, though, and that’s the scary part.   mikayla is better than her,   and if she wasn’t so stubborn,  she’d tell her that she actually admires her,  hoping to catch up to her when she’s her age—   but she won’t let herself go there.   ❝  okay.  whatever.  i think you’re just scared someone my age is actually as good as you,  ❞   she corrects,  brushing her words off.   ❝  and i’m not a fucking baby,  ❞   she argues with a small huff that says otherwise.   ❝  i can't wait until you all fucking graduate. you're all so full of yourself. especially you and taissa. ❞ she says, the irony completely lost on her.    

#itchose #itchose: 23. #thread. #main. #yj: pre-crash. #smh

[manslaught]

she wasn't interested in asking, but that much is likely obvious in the boredom written across her features, feeling like talking about the fucking mascot is a complete waste of time. “ yeah, fuck no. was it impressive to you? ” she scoffs, not understanding why melissa would bother talking about her of all people, considering she's the only one who isn't a loss to their group— even misty's annoying ass has more to offer than her. mikayla immediately looks away when she mentions taissa's name, chest tightening, face growing warm, because she can still feel her lips on her own, something that's haunted her ever since, because she probably won't ever feel it again. not because she thinks tai's going to die, but because she knows herself. “ why, so we could just fight the entire time? ” she mumbles, trying to ignore the regret that's been eating away at her, the feeling that she should have gone with them.

she’s kind of amused,   because it doesn’t exactly surprise her that she didn’t know pj by name.    ❝  uh.  yeah.  don’t ask me what it stands for—  ❞   she mumbles,  shaking it off.    her brows furrow for a moment,  wondering what that really means.   melissa doesn’t typically get caught up in crushes,  especially when those crushes have their own crush on someone who looks like mikayla,  but it’s hard not to let her thoughts linger out here.     ❝   guess that mean she didn’t impress you?   ❞   she asks,  letting out a small scoff and shaking it off.    ❝   i’m kind of surprised,  actually.  seemed like something you would’ve done.   i mean,  go with taissa,  not—  try to impress someone like that,  ❞   she clarifies.    

#itchose #itchose: 22. #thread. #main. #yj: 1996.

[manslaught]

the entire ride here, she'd convinced herself that none of the others were going to be around— that it was just going to be mikayla and nat, so seeing shauna puts her on edge, especially since she's never known how to behave around her in the first place. her face scrunches slightly in confusion, because since when the fuck have they ever bothered with small talk? “ god, i'm so sorry. how's jackie's boyfriend? or— my bad— your husband now, right? it's crazy, the shit you miss when you're in fucking prison. did it feel good, getting the guy? ” there's actual bitterness in the last sentence, because she didn't get the girl.

she remembers randy walsh, unfortunately, rolling her eyes in annoyance. “ he aged like shit. ” if randy's here, mikayla wants to convince herself that maybe shauna's only here because of jeff, that running into her is just a coincidence, but she knows better, a sinking feeling in her stomach telling ehr that they're both here because travis martinez is dead. and if shauna's here, there's a horribly good chance that someone else is, too. “ did nat call you, too? ”

@manslaught asked, "who the fuck was that guy?"

❝  um— ❞ it's spoken in a high-pitched tone, mostly unlike the girl mikayla knew back then, almost performative. shauna doesn't actually know how to talk to mikayla now, and being face to face with her after all this time, especially knowing what they're about to walk into, only makes this stranger. ❝  hi. nice to see you, too. it's been, what, 25 years? oh, i'm doing good— ❞ each word is mocking as she acts offended, as if mikayla owes her the the respect after everything, but even shauna knows that's not true. she's mostly deflecting, afraid of what happened to travis, afraid of running into randy, afraid of reuniting with any of them. ❝  that was— ❞  she turns to the direction randy just walked to, waving vaguely back at it as she lets out a scoff. ❝  randy. you remember randy. ❞  she's pleading, mostly, because she doesn't want to have to explain, but she rolls her eyes moments later anyway. ❝  walsh. ❞ 

#itchose #itchose: 24. #thread. #main. #yj: 2021. #mikayla: tai isnt here so i can be SHITTY. but also. is she here. just wondering