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I want to be loved the way I love without asking for it

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well ?

I think what truly bothers and shakes me to my core is just how everything turned out. And I don’t mean that we didn’t work out but the way you’d talk to me and get angry at me, annoyed, tired and frustrated at me for wanting reassurance and genuine support from you. I always begged and even used those audios from TikTok to help manifest you every off and on we had. From our first breakup to our second in April.. to the one in May.. to the one in August to the one in September and then again in September to the one in October and then to January… a total of 9 times. Nine times where I felt like the love and support I catered for you was nothing. Nothing more than just a simple “you’re too kind”. I wanted to be wanted and adored; cherished and cared for the way I cared so much about you, the love sonnets and the tears that would well up in my eyes when writing them is a fond memory and can take with me and know the lover girl in me is there. I used to think of you as a dragonfly and also as the moon, I’d go back in time to just realize that the love I had experienced was one sided.. with someone who was afraid to love me.. because I was simply not.. her. I would write to you so much and I’d find myself in pool of genuine grief and despair to mean the world to you as you did to me.. the way I would’ve given anything to go back and not have met you. I would. You meant so much to me and I did so much more than I did for myself. I changed myself and tried fitting the mold of someone that wasn’t me. I’m never gonna forget how you’d make me feel.. the mornings, afternoons and nights crying, anxiously muting you and silencing my notifications hoping one day you’d care about me the way I did for you. I grew afraid of you and always felt like the man I fell in love with was nowhere to be found. It sickens me how you want karma to turn its head to me.

Karma has seen me.

Karma is real.

the love I built for you was pure and genuine. You took advantage of it…

Karma is you; you’ll stay with my own pain and live it the way I did. Well.

#healing #journaling

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6.11.23

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“You will search for me in another person, I promise.”

— Unknown

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Can't handle to see myself, look into my eyes and see through them, every single memory and pain i've been through. That's why I hate mirrors.

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Sometimes courage means holding on. Sometimes courage means letting go.

-@lipikkawrites

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I may think of you softly from time to time, but I swear I'll cut my hands off if they ever reach out for you again.

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If anyone knows the name of the artist, let me know so I can give credits.

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It is both a blessing

And a curse

To feel everything

So deeply

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But I am so deeply lost in my own soul, how can I expect anyone else to understand me?

- Courtney Peppernell

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ph @xiaohedith

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Tornado touches down behind this abandoned homestead on the Colorado Palmer Divide on June 4, 2015; Eric Hurst