ly-lyla
I really do love you
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Now instead of crying because I’m alive, I cry because I almost wasn’t.
04/28/2024
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Confidence and inaction. Cowardice and resolve. Which am I?
04/23/2024
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"Laid down in the unconscious of the hills" - Anna Stevenson
Why is it so easy to fall down over and over again? Why is it so easy to sink through thick mud until it scrapes your chin? Why is it so easy for my room to get so inconsolably messy? I hope I can pull myself out of this sand and recover.
04/23/2024
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“I think I’ll miss you forever” - Lana Del Rey
Good bye, my dreams of a perfectly idealized life. Thank you for the love and hope.
04/22/2024
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“I think I made you up inside my head” - Sylvia Plath
Is a life just a story of abandoning the scope of opportunities and potential to be able to pursue them?
04/20/2024
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"Sweetheart, instead
of a grave" - Andrea Gibson
Filled with indecision. This marble in my throat will bob forever.
04/18/2024
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"your leg my leg
your arm my arm" - Charles Bukowski
The summer air of warmth and sun is coming back. The sun arcs above my head.
04/16/2024
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"If that water hadn't a-been so cold
I might've sunk and died." - Langston Hughes
Sometimes I think of things people have said either out loud or on the internet and I wonder what goes through their head. I will never wish harm on anyone, just reflection. (This post is directed towards myself primarily. Look at youuuuuu appropriating other people's poems for a pretty diary title)
04/01/2024
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"In another life
I would be your girl" - Katy Perry
My life has just started. I'm not making any drastic decisions. I go to one engineering school instead of another. Why am I so worried that I will make the wrong choice? My options are good. I like my decision. I hope this regret doesn't haunt me forever. (It won't)
04/01/2024
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"Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I first learned the term "rat race" from Robert Kiyosaki's board game CASHFLOW and it's a term that Instagram commenters like to throw around a lot to sound superior to us unenlightened. It got me thinking though, what is a rat race? It is living a life that you cannot enjoy and instead toil at. For me, it extends past finances and money. The reason that finance bros exalt money is because of its freedom, but freedom money does not make. Freedom is created from everyday joys, when you can stand in your body and be happy you are alive. Congratulations, by valuing your life and finding joy, you have escaped the money-driven rat race.
I discovered this when I went outside and mowed the lawn today. The bright sun and exercise warmed me in a way that doomscrolling can not. It's time to find the small things in life.
04/01/2024
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"But I swear, I wouldn't go to one of those Ivy League colleges if I was dying" - The Catcher in the Rye
Y'know with how (comparatively) relaxed I took most of the college application process, all the way from 9th grade planning classes and extracurricular, why am I literally sweating bullets knowing that there is a 99% chance (technically 91.3% chance) I'll get rejected. Like I've literally already made peace with that why am I checking the portal every three minutes.
03/25/2024
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I truly believe that a lot of people (including me) need to get outside and interact with real people. People on the internet are real, yes, and the topics they discuss are as well, but the nature of human behavior and social media algorithms force us into increasingly isolated and polarized groups. A lot of the rage isn't true, isn't helpful, or just isn't worth raging over. I don't think I truly truly realized this until I heard people talking online about controversial topics without becoming completely unhinged (my favorite Mina Le) and approaching each topic with the expectation that nothing in life truly is ever simple, binarily kind or malicious, or "correct" (whatever that might mean to each person).
03/25/2024
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"Look what happens with a love like that" - Hafiz
I want to trust someone enough to be angry at a betrayal. I want to love someone enough to be heartbroken when they wrong me. These emotions, hidden behind false rationality, yearn to wail, to curl up on the ground and sink.
No lie is falsehood if I do not believe it, and I cannot deceive myself. I cannot trust anyone, both out of conviction and inevitability. I have been fooled, but not this time, not again. It would be my own downfall, my own fault, if I smiled at someone's words so deeply and so lovingly evermore.
I miss it, the lightness of belief, the brightness of anger. I miss it, and hope love returns it some day.
03/13/2024
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"Baby, nothing comes for free" - MARINA
I've accepted an average life, I really have. I'm excited to live and a free twenties awaits me. I'm excited to seek out happiness like everyone else, facing my battles, loving my partner.
I just can't help but lament a genius life, one that I would never truly wish to attain. I would never wish to sacrifice my childhood and adulthood for academic validation. I would never wish to leave the wide world behind for endless equations. But every time I see a college name, a new invention, a brilliant equation, I lament for the life I vowed to give up.
I know this entry sounds spoiled and entitled, and maybe it is. It's hard to let go of dazzling, sharp, cynical dreams.
03/13/2024
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"we beg before God for concession" - Abhipsa Panda
I just need to hold out a little longer. Months will pass, days will fly. Just a little longer and then I'm free forever and ever and ever.
03/10/2024
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