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lvnsrn · 15 days

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about my gender and sexuality recently

i have a weird gender and sexuality situation going on where being a "trans male" and being a "lesbian" are both important to me. it's because of my own unique (and very nonbinary/fluid) worldview of gender & sexuality, that disregards all rules of the gender binary and the meanings of labels.

because i want to explain my view and my story to people -- for some reason even though my gender is supposed to be just "nonbinary" in practice, i cannot let go of the "trans male" label and community i've been a part of for several long years, especially going on T and being treated as a trans man for the majority of my life. i'm more androgynous now, i'm far from masculine in my gender expression, but i simply cannot erase how i was treated as a "man" and how much that affects me, how much i view "man" as a fundamental part of me, my experiences, and my past. to give up that label just because of my newfound sexuality just feels wrong and a betrayal of myself.

recently, since my dysphoria has lessened and how HRT changes things about my perception of sexuality & gender, i'm pretty sure i'm moreso a lesbian than anything else. i resonate highly with the sort of discussion of how "lesbian" can be a nonconforming gender experience, aside from just a sexuality. the gender experiences of people within the lesbian community past and present paired with the sexuality aspect are things i closely see myself in now. the androgyny i present myself with. and the way my attraction has highly shifted over to feminine in a distinctly queer way. "lesbian" is the closest, most easily communicable, colloquial term that captures not only my attraction but also my new gender experience. i like the way transmasc and nonbinary lesbians expand the label's meaning beyond just "women loving women." so why can't it apply for me, too? it's that flimsy label and line within myself that divides "masc" and "man" and yet i'm not even a "man" in the way people think it means. it's just a word that has importance for my soul.

and i don't think this is a situation where it's like, "(cishet) men are invading lesbian spaces," i feel it's disingenuous to frame my queer self-discovery and journey as something like that.

it's a bit strange, most trans men start off as lesbians and become trans men, but i started as a trans man and became a lesbian, but in a way that i can't remove "trans man" from my identity. it's something i struggled for a while with, that it's impossible or unacceptable to hold both labels, or that trans men can in any way understand lesbians, but… i'm not like other trans men anymore either, right? but still, i am a trans man through and through. it's logical to say i'm not like other lesbians, either. my worldview of gender is fundamentally different from everyone else in the world, anyways.

what is a "man" or "woman" to me is vastly different from an understanding that would usually be based in the gender binary... when i create worlds in stories i write, gender isn't a thing that has high importance. i fundamentally view "women" or "men" as just… a neutral form, a shape, that has no real meaning beyond the appearance. someone isn't gonna get singled out, put down, praised, or anything like that just for being a certain gender. moreover, words like "trans" or "gay" or "lesbian" or "bisexual" don't even exist because of the society that world has that has no need for those words to define oneself against a "cishet" norm. there is no cishet norm. there are no such labels. this is my "ideal" worldview of gender that makes the most sense. (there are ways trans people are handled in-universe, but that's for another time.)

so when translating real world labels like "lesbian" into that world, it manifests a bit differently. for instance, i have a masculine-appearing character with a feminine name, a higher-range voice, and has rose motifs. this masculine character is meant to be analogous to a princely butch lesbian, even though no such word exists. this character flirts often with feminine-appearing characters. presumably, these would be "women," but some "men" would be feminine-appearing as well. although he is a "lesbian," he is attracted to some kinds of men, but they're very unconventional kinds of men. kind of... much like myself. (i do strongly express attraction to men from time to time, but literally only feminine/androgynous types... in this sort of unique worldview of gender, in context with everything else about myself, i classify that as lesbian or lesbian-adjacent.)

so wouldn't it make more sense for me to have "no labels" then? but that's a bit difficult, because i don't live in that world i created, i live in this world with all of you who create these labels and definitions and place importance upon them. importance i resonate with. importance in the way i can't give up being a "trans male" even though my experience isn't close to most trans men in general. importance in the way i just want to be accepted as a "lesbian" because that community, especially in its transmasc and nonbinary members, is the closest thing to my experiences, and yet i feel gatekept out of it; shunned out of it. even though i'm nowhere near the kind of person you should be shunning out of the community.

i've resonated strongly with "transhet" before. i still do. it's a wonderful label and experience to describe myself. but i do feel like there's such a strong overlap with being "lesbian" that i feel i should be part of that label and community as well. i can't ignore a community and its experiences, that has such a strong similarity to myself and my experiences, only to be gatekept by one measly word. to be told i can't possibly understand what it's like to be a lesbian.

i think of myself as treading that line between being a transmasc lesbian and a transhet male. flipping back and forth, but also strongly resonant with both sides -- but defining it for myself.

i can only hope the friends that distanced themselves from me for this don't hate me anymore. that they don't think i'm an uncomfortable or unsafe person. i can only hope they will come to understand the journey i've gone through.

#lvn

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lvnsrn · 1 month

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isekaijoucho colors album - my thoughts:

This is my second listen of the album... I listened to it yesterday upon release, but was too tired from having just woken up... So now I'm a bit more lucid, and definitely in the right mindset for this album, so here we go.

Breath - I'm crying already, touched to my soul... It's so beautifully majestic. It's hard to think people don't like this side of her, it's certainly different from Creation/Anemone, but there's just something so powerful about this era of Colors/Nemophila…

And return to white - I've loved this song ever since its release. The MV is just amazing, I feel like it encapsulates everything about Isekaijoucho and her "story." The ending Anima pose reference is amazing too... Note the use of the word "color" and also "breath." It's interesting to think of the dying Isekaijoucho as a form of "Anemone" as well. This song encapsulates Isekaijoucho's grief, strength, beauty, passion, magic, and elegance, and sets the tone for the "story" that follows.

A Doll of Lapis - It's hard to not think the songs are connected somehow. An elegant and delicate song, unveiling her complexity behind her doll eyes. Take note of blue being emphasized, but then "my true color is..." and the scene color changing to red. It adds to "Nemophila" being more sinister somehow, especially in combination with "And return to white." Beneath the pure white and the beautiful azure blue, is blood red; fire red; and darkness. That is most surely "Isekaijoucho."

Pandora Call - Possessiveness, control of a world. Once again following the thread and "story," it feels like a song associated with the destruction scenes in "And return to white," with the lyrics talking about destruction/control of a world through love and song. In the MV, the clock also goes backwards. The key word of this song is "world" (sekai as in "Isekaijoucho") and "melody." I can't help but imagine a story in which Anemone and Nemophila were in love, but Anemone's love was "destruction," so she died amidst the fires and blood that her love brought on.

Dimension - The song closest to my heart. There is strength and conviction; a desire to get back what was once lost. In terms of composition, it's simply moving and ethereal in a very "VOCALOID" way. It has a quality to it I adore very much and resonate with strongly. But I never imagined I'd have the song recontextualized, and given further meaning -- given the context of the "story" of this album so far. I imagine, this is after the death of Anemone, Nemophila struggled to find her "fate/meaning" and was lost, but found the things she lost in mourning -- the things that make her, "her." A reclaiming of identity, a rediscovery of the self. In terms of the word "Dimension," it's like Isekaijoucho traveling through "dimensions" to find these things about herself -- fate, conviction, and more. A common theme so far in this album is Isekaijoucho's "truest" self that is hidden away; a story no one knows. It's something that resonates quite personally as well. Key words, I'm unsure of, but perhaps try repetition and fate; also future.

Kimi syousitu sekai (a world where you disappear) - key words: "world"/"sekai" and "future." A notable mention to "sadness/lament" (ureu) -- part of the second verse of "And return to white" (I am lamenting white/watashi wa ureu shiro.) Another song about grief, loss of "another self." Musically, I love the intense rock angle this song takes, I'm glad she gets to do a rock song that's also very distinctly within her "vibes" and energy. In terms of story and MV, we take note of the clocks again; going forward, than backwards like in Pandora Call. But also the dual motif of Isekaijoucho; and the scenery within a church. Imagining this continues the story of Anemone and Nemophila, this is from Nemophila's perspective about the loss, death, and disappearance of Anemone. Notably this song coming right after Dimension is interesting and paints a duality -- "Dimension" talks about not forgetting, but "Kimi syousitu sekai" laments what will be forgotten in the future after death. We also have an implication about a "bad end" for the one that was lost -- alluding to the disaster shown in the MV of "And return to white" and referenced in the lyrics in "Pandora Call." Without Anemone, Nemophila loses a very important aspect of herself; she is "incomplete" but must go on to the future. Another angle we can take the interpretation of "Dimension" is that, since it was released during Anemone era and has Anemone outfit, it's about Anemone's hopes and convictions for the future, to contrast Nemophila's lament and grief as she moves on to the future without Anemone. The most striking line in support of the "Colors storyline" is "you and me, we are the same person." In the MV this shows Nemophila hugging a "shadow Isekaijoucho" who fades away, so we can also connect this to the dark corpse of (who we've assigned to be) Anemone in "And return to white." Overall, amazing song, interesting narrative so far.

Grayscale - Super interesting song and mysterious too. This song feels like a liminal space; like purgatory. Uncertainty, mystery. Unfortunately have to rely on MTL for the lyrics, but some keywords I think are "colors" (black/white/grayscale), and "world/planet." There is also "endroll" which evokes the theatre from "Tomedonaki Hakujou) (from her first album "Creation.") One lyric that intrigues me is "Isekaijoucho wa henzai suru" -- this is the part that repeats as ASMR panning. Trying to look into the meaning of 偏在 henzai, it seems to mean uneven distribution. I'm not sure, but I feel like this is a "corruption" of 配信 haishin = distribution; livestream transmission. It's like she's saying the transmission is broken/corrupted/unbalanced but once again, I'm unsure since my knowledge of Japanese isn't that good. If any imagery is evoked, this makes me think of a TV set which was also in the MV for "Kimi syousitu sekai." In my interpretation, it's like a broken transmission from the "dying world."

Kokoni togeto shiwo (Here lies thorns and death) - SLAVE VVR AND ISEKAIJOUCHO IS AN AMAZING AND UNEXPECTED MATCH....!!! Keywords: color, goddess, and jewel. Musically, this is so fresh and exciting for Isekaijoucho, it's an amazing song! She even sings quite a bit of English here too, and the lyrics are not as difficult as Grayscale to understand through MTL. Now, about the lyrics of the song, it's about love -- love that leads to death; love as a reverence of a goddess; love as a sin through bloodshed and punishment. Once again, evoking the scenery of the previously established "tragedy" in the "story." Jewel/gem is also an important thing to note as a keyword -- potentially referencing "Isekai no Housekitan" from her previous album -- jewel/gem could also be a reference to "past innocence" before the tragedy. Jewels are also alluded to in "A Doll of Lapis" as the color of the doll's eyes -- blue -- but the jewels in this song are either red or colorless -- whether it's blood-red dying the colorless quartz, or the red quartz losing its color. Red is a color associated with the tragedy, destruction, etc. We can connect this song highly to Pandora Call as having similar themings. The goddess is also interesting here, as it seems Nemophila evokes a "goddess" like image in "And return to white," but in this song it seems that it's like the mortal desiring to be goddess-like for the sake of love, but being punished for it somehow.

Nerine's Secrets - A song by Kashii Moimi, formatted as a "(kana name) no (kanji)" sung by SEKAI/Isekaijoucho? Is this... the third song in the series of Erica & Karen? That's what I want to think, anyways. Unfortunately can't find any lyrics transcript yet. In any case, Kashii Moimi always creates such beautiful songs. Key words: eyes, world, colors (rainbow.) It's hard with my limited Japanese knowledge, but I got some imagery/vibes of a night sky (moon and stars), meetings/coming together, and shining light of a rainbow in the lyrics. Unlike Erica & Karen, Nerine has a more hopeful, "kirakira" vibe to the song, while still being distinctly Kashii Moimi in the same style of Erica and Karen -- emphasizing beauty ("karenna"). (Erica is mourning, Karen is inability to accept her own sins.) As to how Nerine connects to the "story" thus far, I'm a bit uncertain to fully tell, but we can connect eyes to Doll of Lapis (eyes made of Lapis, etc etc), and world/colors to a lot of the previously aforementioned songs. As for a detailed analysis on this song's connection to Karen and Erica, I'll leave that for another time once I get a better grasp of the lyrics, and once I'm in the mood for it.

Promise in the Twilight - A banger of a song, I've loved this song since its release too! But in the album placement, following Nerine's Secrets, it's like the starlight/"light" from Nerine's Secrets is the same "light" that she refers to in the opening lyric here: "on that day, we were both enveloped by a faint light." Keywords: light, mayday, colors (green), and justice. On its own, this song wasn't in my top favorite Isekaijoucho songs, but as part of the album? It's transcendent, it's amazing, it's actually PEAK. The song's connections to other songs in the album are absolutely incredible. We already addressed Nerine, so let's talk about the others. Most obviously, this song references the musical motif of "Dimension," and both songs have thematic similarities in their lyrics. "Mayday" also is a lyric in "Grayscale" (so I'll have to retroactively add "Mayday" as a key word in Grayscale too.) The song also references a "god in heaven" so we can also check off "Kokoni togeto shiwo" for the goddess. The "color" here is green -- "proof is colored in green." It is also a rock song utilizing guitars, much like "Kimi syousitu sekai." The epic and grand feeling of the song also is reminiscent of "And return to white;" and the relationship/devotion/vow to "another person" -- love; it's a more hopeful and bright "love" that contrasts from "Pandora Call" and "Kokoni togeto shiwo." In addition, we can add twilight as another color -- "twilight" is an in-between of day and night; like how "Grayscale" is an in-between of black and white. Justice is an interesting keyword here because I don't think it's been referenced in the previous songs at all? But in my interpretation of the story, I think previously the lovers of Anemone and Nemophila met a "bad end/tragedy," but they have a "good end" where things were made "right." That might be the "justice" of the storyline. There's also a line about "cleansing these hands," which I'm going to interpret as being cleansed from the tragedy and sin. I think this song is atonement; and atonement is the justice.

Vermilion - Already the first lyric of the song is literally "twilight." Right after "Promise in the Twilight." Also, it seems "vermilion" was referenced as a color already in "Kokoni togeto shiwo," and is already the name of a color anyways -- red referencing the tragedy. As a Hiiragi Magnetite song, this is bound to be one of my favorites. This album just gets stronger and stronger with each song. Aside from the established color, our key words are twilight, dark, future, apocalypse, dimension. Another special mention to melancholy/ureu. Twilight and Dimension are obvious connections to other songs, but what's more is that those two songs are already connected, and here's another song that's connected to them as well. As well as "Dimension" also being by Hiiragi Magnetite. And how about I bring in "Kimi syousitu sekai" as the connection for the word "future?" I think we already have a sense for what could be meant by dark and apocalypse too – the tragedy, of course. I think much like the contrast and connection between Dimension and Kimi syousitu sekai, I think Promise in the Twilight and Vermilion have a similar connection, and these 4 songs being placed the way they are is no coincidence. First off, their respective colors are opposing – green and red (vermilion.) In this song, Isekaijoucho sings of a desolate future that she foresaw, but still holds on to hope. It feels like the “promise” and hopes were shattered and darkness came. Wounds, the end of life, apocalypse… All the hope that was in the previous song, where did it go? All the hope that’s in the other Hiiragi Magnetite song, “Dimension,” where did it go? And in both Kimi syousitu sekai and this song, the future is bleak; lacking light; losing someone precious to you. And yet, while Kimi syousitu sekai despairs, Vermilion still has some hope. In addition, I think the final lyric of this song is important: “Return to that rightful place.” – Connection to “And return to white.” And “rightful” here can also be TLed as justice – another connection to Promise in the Twilight. Perhaps the color of justice is white? God. Just. These songs are amazing… I love them so much

To You Who Kept On Drawing - Keywords from the lyrics: breath, world/sekai, future, anima, color (white/grayscale/red). The title of this song alone is important because of the lyric in “And return to white” about drawing – “people driven by passion picked up their pens and began to draw.” In general, thematically, this song feels like an answer/resolution song to “And return to white” – both by Kashii Moimi, and parallels can be drawn in their composition; and it just overall feels like a satisfying connection to this entire album and especially And return to white. If you thought the previous songs had a lot of references, wait till you hear what references this song has in its MV and lyrics. First we have a star motif – which connects to Nerine and Twilight, but I also forgot to mention the last time stars were mentioned, that stars also connects to Heart of Sirius from the Creation album. Next, we have gems – Kokoni togeto shiwo and Creation’s Isekai no Housekitan. Next we have a frame of duality in Isekaijoucho’s image – Kimi syousitu sekai. Then, the chorus has spinning which Dimension’s MV also does that, and it’s also referenced lyrically. Partway through the MV, the color turns primarily red – this echoes the “turning to red” in the MVs for And return to white and A Doll of Lapis; and another connection to Kokoni togeto shiwo and Vermilion – red being reinforced as the color of strife, “true self,” and revelations. The MV also turns grayscale for a bit (self explanatory.) Finally the MV ends in a sunrise – which I’d like to think contrasts twilight. As for the lyrics, we’ve already touched on the keywords of breath/world/future/color previously, but I want to talk about anima – this is the title of Isekaijoucho’s live concerts, and is a word for “will of life.” I think using anima in this song specifically is just so powerful and evocative. Lyrically, this song is about love for the world, love for another person as they saved her; not caring if she has sins or scars; not wanting to give up, and holding on to important things like vows, prayers, and bonds. It feels like a sort of “resolution” to all the strife previously. Saving is important in the context of Isekaijoucho, since that is the one thing she wishes to do in the Kamicity lore and also in her other lyrics – she wants to save people, and in turn she is saved by another person – “to you who kept on drawing.” I want to think the implication of “drawing” here is to continue one person’s will and continue the story; continue their emotions. If Isekaijoucho had died in the previous song “Vermilion,” then she is revived/saved by “drawing.” It’s possible that this song is also from the perspective of the dead Anemone from “And return to white,” and it’s the other song that references drawing. I think we need to go back to “And return to white”’s lyrics: Right after “people driven by passion picked up their pens and began to draw,” she sings “I’ll dye my heart white to stop it from breaking” – I think drawing and colors here are deeply connected. To draw is to control colors; and to control colors is to define your outlook on life and express yourself. In the MV, although she stained the entire world in red (tragedy,) she returned it to grayscale, and then a more normal, realistic color of the world; and she’s walking towards a white light. I think I understand why this song is deemed the “leading song” of the album. God damn. I have to lay down for a bit after this… This album just becomes more and more peak the more I analyze it. I also think this song is very important to Isekaijoucho specifically with the theme of drawing/colors because she herself is an illustrator; and the meaning of art/drawing for her, it might be the thing that “saved her life,” which is a sentiment I’m sure many artists of different kinds can relate to – art can save lives.

Formless Thing - This one is more somber compared to all the intensity of the preceding songs. It’s an especially important song because not only are the lyrics written by Isekaijoucho herself, from the MV I think it’s a love letter to her past self and future self. We directly see Anemone here as a duality to Nemophila; when Anemone leaves, Nemophila will still be here to carry on Anemone’s voice. What is meant by “Formless Thing” in terms of the song title, I’m not sure; but “katachinaki mono” can also be translated as “one without a body.” Given the song and MV, I’m inclined to think this “one without a body” is Anemone. Now that Isekaijoucho is Nemophila, Anemone no longer has a body, but she still exists in memories. I think this recontextualizes everything in the album previously about their relationship and dynamic…

ANGELIC - I didn’t write much for “Formless Thing” itself because I think it’s worth it to analyze Formless Thing and ANGELIC in tandem. Between these two songs we get a direct confirmation: this song is absolutely a love letter to Isekaijoucho’s self; past and future: “because you are me, we share our lives.” First established lyrically in “Kimi syousitu sekai” and re-inforced in “ANGELIC.” ANGELIC also references the ocean, which was seen at the end of “To You Who Kept On Drawing.” Both these songs are about wanting to love; wanting to live; living at “your” side (which is the same person); prayers to the goddess; the moon… also referencing the overall theme of colors and also breath. Previously, I thought there was no better album ender than ARCADIA from Creation, but this entire ending section of “Colors” blows ARCADIA out of the water, I think. An interesting lyric in this song is “Nemesis” which could be referencing the previously established strife/disaster/apocalypse/etc.

Colors - This is such an elegant and beautiful closer to the album; it’s so light and pretty; so expressive and beautiful. I am truly breathtaken and full of emotion.

FINAL VERDICT: Overwhelmed immensely. This album… I have so many thoughts. But it’s truly an amazing album, more amazing than I thought. I will definitely be talking more about this album and the songs in the future. But for now, it’s amazingly interwoven and is a love letter to the entire concept and being of “Isekaijoucho” – the character, the art, the presentation, the singer behind her and her thoughts and emotions and past and future and hopes and just; everything. There’s so much more to say, but for now, I’ll leave it at that. To everyone who made Isekaijoucho possible… Piedpiper, Kashii Moimi, reoenl; samayuzame and orie… and of course, the voice and soul of Isekaijoucho herself… thank you.

#text #lvn

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