lustrouswondering

[lustrouswondering]

i have missed you these past few however long it has been.

i do not think that i will ever stop missing you.

even though you absolutely shattered me.

i had to pick myself back up piece by piece from when you broke me, after you had initially pieced me back together.

in our separation, i have learned to be responsible for my own up keeping. i have to be my own glue.

i cannot rely on anyone else for that.

i certainly should not have relied on you for it.

i am grateful for the lessons you have taught me, no matter the amount of pain i felt and still feel, while i continue through my own journey, my pieces separate from yours.

i am thankful you were in my life, and i wonder often how you are doing.

what your current favorite interest is.

if you still wear my hoodie.

if you have these thoughts about me.

if when a peach pit or paramore song comes on, do you also have to skip it because the thought of you tangled into those songs ran so deep that it was too painful to bear for me to listen to?

it certainly did for me.

as i’ve reflected over the time that has passed and we have not been together, i have overcome that pain.

i can listen to those songs again, play the games we used to play again, and relish in the small, trivial aspects of our lives that are now seperate.

i am enjoying them again without you.

it has been hard and i know that i still love you, and always will, but i know that in order to love myself as deeply, as unapologetically, as unconditionally as i loved you, i cannot let you keep the pieces of me i have pushed away that remind me too much of you.

i have to embrace the memories of you, yet push my pieces into a new light.

a way to appreciate and love those pieces stained with your memory as pieces of myself.

reminders that i have grown.

reminders that i can love myself after you.

i still love you and hope you are doing well, but i can never be in your life again, and i can never let you back into mine.

only through glimpses of these recollections.

and with those i have to move forward in loving myself fully and wholeheartedly.

just like i did with you.

#prose #brain dump #longing #sad thoughts #sad