luna-barks
sing me to sleep
blog dedicated to my rants and ravings. no triggers are tagged.
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Really is a sign of the times when you type “how to prepare for” in google and get “a recession, world war, and mass shooting”
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I wanna go back to school so I can have friends
And also I wouldn’t care about getting good grades so I’d just chill and not work too hard
I want the simplicity of childhood and teen years but I’m irreparably matured, I belong with my age group and have no connection to younger generations
The structure of getting in little lines and eating in the cafeteria and going outside all seems nice now, in a time where the internet was a toy instead of a doomsayer
Disconnected from the world but connected to a village. Knowing them all your life but doomed to part
I don’t want the complex difficulties of life that was those times, just the purified golden memories of joy and youth and rebelliousness
Sweet summer days of nothing, yet the shadows of my miseries haunt those memories too, shadows I pretend didn’t exist
As we age we forget the bad, crystallizing the past in glorious unobtainable perfection that never existed
And yet I yearn. Or maybe I’m just lonely
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Please be ok. I love you. Can I help? I can tell my words aren’t right, and I don’t know how to say it. I know what you’re feeling. I know where you are. I am reaching. I want to pull you back. Please. Please be strong. Please be ok. Please let me help. What can I do? I am here. My words are so wrong. I cannot be there with you. I just want to hug you. It’s going to be ok. Please stay strong. Please. Please stay with me. Please. Please. I know I wasn’t there then but I’m here now. I am here, I am here, I am here.
I’m useless.
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The end is there, looming
#my dad is sick#I’m so fucking scared#I can’t stop thinking about death#I can’t stop thinking about the end#the end the end the end#it’s too much#might delude myself into believing in an afterlife#it’s not there#salvation isn’t coming#only the end#it comes#I’m going to end#I don’t want to die#I’m so scared
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Haha ok I don’t have PCOS so that little meltdown was Unnecessary I do however have a severe lack of a different but still essential hormone that gives me all the same side effects minus the potential cancer so that’s cool
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Oh also I was off my meds I’m back on them and better now
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I just wanna be a pretty anime boy is that so much to ask
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i'm sad i just wanna draw pretty boys and eat snacks
#idk why drawing cute boys is a coping mechanism it just is#maybe get cathartic and bloody them up a bit
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Just had a meltdown because I probably have PCOS. Literally so pissed about everything. Fuck my old doctor. She was nice but never took anything I said seriously. My wrist that was hurting? Oh just don’t lean on it silly :))) turned out to be a cyst. My irregular periods? Oh don’t worry you’ll get regular when you’re older :))))) fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck FUCK DOCTORS who don’t listen to their TEENAGE patients FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU just because someone is young doesn’t mean they don’t have health problems! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!!! If you took them seriously people wouldn’t have so many fucked up bodies when they’re older and can’t heal as well!!!!!!!
I’m 24….I wish I’d known five years ago, who knows if I can recover now….who fucking knows if I’ve got cysts that will give me cancer
There’s no fucking way out of this nightmare no matter what I do I can’t have a sex life im so PISSED IM SO FUCKING UPSET every way to fix it is a dead end it’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair I HATE EVERYTHING ITS NOT FUCKING FAIIIIIRRRR
IM SO DONE WITH BEING SICK AND BROKEN AND DISEASED AND MESSED UP!!!!!! IM SICK OF IT!!!!!! I WANNA BE NORMAAAAAL!!!!
why….why did I have to be born this way……….why did my life have to be ruined from the base code of my flesh prison….it’s not fair….I want to be healthy dammit I want to have someone else’s life I want to be normal I want to function I want to be able to do the things I want to do like projects without being trapped in depression and lost with adhd and I wanna wear cute clothes again I wanna dress up cute and I wanna have a sex life and I wanna fucking have good kinky sex fuck everything
I’m just trying to scrape by and I wannna fucking thrive dammit I’m so tired of everything being wrong all the time and never being good enough no matter how fucking hard I try it’s never good enough I can’t I can’t have that life where things are good and fine and happy because I’m so fucking broken and you know what I don’t WANT TO BE POSITIVE ABOUT IT IM SO DONE TRYING to act like I’m ok with being fat because I’m not ok I don’t think it’s cute and quirky to have adhd and fucking not be able to concentrate on having sex because I zone out it’s not cute it fucking SUCKS I HATE IT ITS NOT CUTE IT SUCKS I will cry over every project I never got to do because I spent my precious precious scarce fucking time on this earth in this existence in BED unable to do anything because I was so depressed no one gave me any sympathy no one not even my mother who had depression was there for me they ALL CALLED ME LAZY no one fucking cares that you’re depressed no one understands
I just can’t fucking handle it anymore. I’m living a tired broken existence and I’m sick of trying to pretend like it’s fine.
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Things I gained in school:
Scant knowledge of things I barely remember
Close friends who’ve moved on yet I’ll never forget
An actual anxiety disorder
Crushing fear of never being validated by credentials
Nightmares of adhd related traumas
Sleepless nights
Unhealthy escapism
Degrees
Things I’ve gained since leaving school:
Sleep schedule that has restored my dwindling cognitive functions
Sense of self not attached to anyone else’s fleeting approval
The ability to manage a healthy diet instead of living off of fast food
Not living as a constant nervous wreck
Time to heal my body from various medical problems
Hobbies that bring me joy
A job that doesn’t need a degree
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OUGH this bitch really has the AUDACITY to leave his fucking nose exposed then start HUMMING? Through his damn disgusting snot holes??? Oh I could punch a bitch
The amount of people I see with their gross ass noses hanging out of their masks makes me want to fucking scream
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Me watching them leave the bus like Begone Plague Rats
The amount of people I see with their gross ass noses hanging out of their masks makes me want to fucking scream
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The amount of people I see with their gross ass noses hanging out of their masks makes me want to fucking scream
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Me: ok time to wake up nice and early and stuff myself with food so I don’t need to eat on the flight
My body: this means war
#I can feel it’s anger#how dare I put the food in the stomach an hour before it is time???#it’s honestly my fault for always oversleeping#but I don’t want to take my mask off to eat!!! there’s virus in the air baybe!
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I had to take bones out of a fish and I think it’s unsettled me deeply
#ever get in that headspace and mood where everything feels Off? Wrong? I’m there#my stomach has gotten so squeamish#I didn’t care in the moment but thinking about the smell of fish and fish carcass is haunting me#I also watched a video about a guy who ate tons of fiber jelly and blocked his intestines#medical body horror like that fucks me ip#I get abdominal pain so that doesn’t help#or maybe it’s the creeping ominous ness of autumn#who knows#my world is just tilted off kilter right now
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Wow ADHD meds really do be like brain go brrrrrrrrrrr
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