lovelypondering

[lovelypondering]

the end of school is approaching and my heart hurts. i’m excited to be taking summer classes with T, but i just wish things wouldn’t change. this semester has been great and i don’t want it to end :(

#digital diary #diary #male teacher crush #teacher crush #teacher crush community #english teacher #tcc feelings

[lovelypondering]

No matter where I go, I always look for you.

[lovelypondering]

My imagination isn’t enough, I need him

[lovelypondering]

I really wonder if T know that I am in love with him. I mean there are so many signs for that.

[lovelypondering]

And again I am lying in my bed and thinking about you

[lovelypondering]

i got approved to take T’s summer school classes!! ✨✨

[lovelypondering]

i love you, T, but please stop putting questions marks on my essays and no further context on what i need to fix :))

#i guess every man has a flaw #sigh #digital diary #diary #male teacher crush #teacher crush #teacher crush community #english teacher #teacher attachment

[lovelypondering]

i would do anything to know if he thinks i’m beautiful

#digital diary #diary #teacher attachment #english teacher #tcc feelings #male teacher crush #teacher crush #teacher crush community #male tc

[lovelypondering]

sometimes all a girl needs is to hug her teddy bear and cry while wondering why her tc doesn't love her.

[lovelypondering]

society if i liked boys my age and boys my age liked me:

[lovelypondering]

i want him.

i want him and i'm awful for it.

i went to visit T after school today, hoping to catch him before he went home for the day. i was lucky and got there as his last few students were leaving.

i wanted to talk to him for real, not like we do in class where we're confined to talking about Shakespeare, Harper Lee, and Khaled Hosseini. i wanted something to make me feel close to him, a little insight into his life that the others don't get.

so i asked him about becoming a teacher, lying about wanting to be one too. i asked about his college days—he loves to talk about his life in college—and how he got to where he is. i was excited. giddy, even. i felt so smart in my lie.

then he started talking about her. for the first time, i saw his teacher persona drop and the real T came through...it's funny, how he looked the same yet so different. we were still in his classroom. he was still half-sitting on his desk the way i love. he was still wearing the watch that made him look dignified and he was wearing the same button down that made my knees weak earlier. yet he looked nothing like the teacher i know and love, not with that smile on his face. why can't i make him smile like that?

he said he didn't intend on becoming a teacher. he wanted to be a historian. an essayist. literature was always a passion of his, but he always thought it was just going to be a hobby. but his wife—girlfriend at the time—changed his mind. gods, i can't even describe the look on his face while he talked about her.

i don't want to ramble, but i can't stop thinking about it. he loves her so much. he loves her. not me. never me. her. he is devoted to her. promised to her. just from the way he spoke, the look on his face, i can tell his soul belongs to her.

and i look at him the way a wife looks at her husband. i lust after him. i imagine him at night, alone in my bed.

i ended the conversation quickly after that, telling him i was going to miss my bus. i managed to hold myself together until i got home, but i've been crying ever since.

i want this awful feeling to go away, but i know i deserve every second of it.

#digital diary #diary #rambles #male teacher crush #teacher crush #teacher crush community #male tc #tcc feelings #teacher attachment #english teacher #teacher cc #teacher love #teacher x student #lovesick

[lovelypondering]

oh, the pleasures of imagination

#digital diary #diary #male teacher crush #teacher crush #teacher crush community #teacher attachment #english teacher

[lovelypondering]

Oh to be a student in a haunted academy, your reading companions the ghosts of a glorious past

[lovelypondering]

Depressed as fuck realizing that I have one of him but he has hundreds of students. Once the year ends, I'll be just another face with a name he can't remember. I wish I was special to him.

#in my feelings #heartbroken #longing #digital diary #diary #teacher crush #teacher crush community #male teacher crush #teacher attachment #english teacher #teacher crush feelings

[lovelypondering]

~Source Pinterest~

[lovelypondering]

I wonder what it's like to touch him, hug him, rest my head on his chest, hold hands, feel his breath on my neck, feel his stubble on my cheek, feel his body vibrate when he laughs, wear his clothes, wear something he bought for me, see him wear something I bought for him, hear him whisper in my ear, hear him call for me, share a drink or food with him, have long and deep conversations with him, share secrets with each other, have cute dates and visit beautiful places, have lazy cuddle dates at home, go on little adventures together, solve problems together and support each other, surprise each other with little gifts sometimes, care for each other when the other one's sick or exhausted,

[lovelypondering]

an older authority figure talks to me like a kind parent once and I'm already kicking my feet, crying myself to sleep and spending days and nights trying to figure out how to make them proud