lo-st

[lo-st]

king of deceit, master of illusion

4/17/20, 2:30AM

Once, she tried to warm the air with the steady beat of her heart. He asked what it was, and she said it was love. The atmosphere made it possible to create frostbites out of their kisses.

On some days, she waits and sits steady on the kitchen chair. He enters the room, stares at the canvas of a table, and says, “What is this?” She said it was love. That night, they danced with the knives as it holds her hand unsteadily.

Their love was divine.

Until she learns how words could perform such (painful) precise incisions inside the human body. 

The imprisonment of weightlessness fuses with the blood in her veins, and instantly finds how easy it is to continue this tyrannical marking of entourage. 

It twists and carves every bit of flesh, leaving only an assemblage of dismantled pieces (which used to create her, make every fiber of her, and with each step he takes with the gut in his hands, she could only remember how he consumed all of her properties... she suffocates -- and oh, how she grapples with her own conscious state of being.)

So, where does it go from here?

Perhaps, she could mask herself with fabricated stories of how beautiful it was:

Paint every color of glass with red and look through it.

Sing lullabies to a child.

Find every rose, and frame it without the thorns.

Or, she could bleed. 

For bleeding is the easiest way to remove the venom without hurting yourself.

For pain is the easiest to feel when you’re no longer skin and bones.

For love, can never be called so when you hurt your lungs trying to breathe the ashes from the fire that only lit when you pour yourself into it.

- shine r.

[lo-st]

the iridescence of loving

May 21, 2018 (8:48 PM)

many theories focus on as to why we exist maybe once, we could’ve merely been of dusts, carbon and void two distant, dark, oblivious creatures, spiraling across two distant points wondering, searching, for answers to questions that have barely been said

and so it begun the violent alteration from black to white a kaleidoscope of prismatic colors bursting into an infinite spiral a shift in stillness, when by your presence, could never be a disrupt

but this is not all there is

the closer you are to the light the blinder you become you are not crafted to complete anyone but your own

our names are never for anyone else’s we aren’t stitched for prophetic claims or promises

however i could never lie when i claim this - 

i fall in love with how the sun sets and the way it dies just to let the moon breathe how the sea bed waits for the ocean no matter how much it leaves the shore

but more importantly

i fall in love with the possibility of having someone look at the universe the same way you do to frolick on green pastures whilst singing atop our lungs to have stomach aches caused by laughter and days that are visibly brighter

this is madness - to be of someone else’s

but i guess i’ll have to do my bidding because love is a game of gamble and i’d be glad to risk all of what i am with you

- shine r.

[lo-st]

PERSPECTIVE

November 2, 2017 (2:46 AM)

HER He walks in the room And an indie song voluntarily starts playing Heads turn Flowers bloom A smile curves slightly on the right side of his lip Calling for mine HIM She sits there And my palms sweat My knees shake My heart explodes Like rhinos eating my goddamn organs And I smile I’ve never seen someone so beautiful HER He walks towards me Hands in his denim pockets Inches away I feel his stare Burn through my insides Melting my skin Softening my heart God, I’m so inlove HIM She looks down on the rusty planks And I marvelled At the radiant beauty In front of me How can one be so close to Heaven Yet not able to reach it? HER He carefully sat next to me And sighed And breathed And blinked And looked ever so delicate And for a while The universe paused Darling, I want to love you In a way that it shifts The space time continuum And becomes Forever HIM She is breathtaking beyond measure That it breaks the laws of gravity I may have fallen harder Than I thought I would Just tell her Everything How she lights The universe in the midst of chaos How she holds Your heart As you present yourself Vulnerable Breakable To her magnificent, timeless beauty It’s quite a dangerous idea Having to place your emotions On the palm of someone else’s HER He doesn’t know And it pains me How I’ll never be More than what we are Just tell him All of How his ethereal, fervent eyes Have it’s own galaxies Swirling within concepts Of love Of hope Of pain Of anger Of loneliness But he’ll never be alone Because he has you Although I reckon You’ll ever have him, though HIM Internal screaming Thoughts flashing How? When? HER If not now I don’t think The aftermath Would ever be As comforting as it sounds HIM Maybe we could stay As we are For a while And so These feelings Of longingness Of doubt Would be suspended In mid-air Awaiting for a response That would never be HER I hear Nothing but The sound Of our breathing And the huffing of the wind And the same old sense Of wanting Something you would never have HIM                                       If you only knew                   I’m sorry                                 HER I could’ve told you I swear I wanted to THEM But I’m not so sure You’ll ever feel The same

- shine r.

[lo-st]

I know we both exist in this beautifully imperfect world. Time is passing and I found myself yearning for you so much more. I hope you’re also wishing that our day to meet is coming the soonest. I hope you’re also dreaming of me the way I dream of you. I hope you’re not the one I passed by when I crossed those busy streets. I hope you’re not the one I was sitting next to on the train and on the bus yet I was too preoccupied with some other thoughts. I hope you’re not the one who ordered before me with the same coffee, not even after me whom I didn’t even take a chance to look at. I hope you’re not the one I momentarily smiled to as I was walking through. I hope I really never missed the chance to meet you. I hope you’re still there for me because I’ve been wishing for you fervently. So one day, I could get to write your name here. Because I already love you now.

Thoughts of Dessa // I Yearn For You (via iamdes)

[lo-st]

Ang Simula at Ang Wakas

April 4, 2017 - 12:45 PM

Tayo ay mistulang mga alikabok lamang sa kalawakan ng mundo. Naghihintay at nagaabang ng kahit sino o anong makapagsasabi na mas higit ka pa sa kung anong tingin mo sa sarili mo. At sa aking pagninilay-nilay ay natagpuan kita.

Simula ng pagkakataong ‘yon ay napapansin ko na ng mas maigi ang maraming bagay. Nakikita ko na ang pagka-asul ng dagat. Ang pag-usbong ng mga sampaguitang nababagay sa’yo. Ang pag-pintig ng puso kong tugma sa pagkutitap ng mga bituin sa mga mata mo. At ang mga patagong tinginan natin, na akala mo’y hindi mahahalata pero sa aking dismaya ay napapansin mo parin ako. (Sana naman mapansin mo rin na umaasa ako sa’yo.)

Nang makilala kita ay nabuhay ang aking kalooban. Ibinigay ko sa’yo ang mga tala at ang buwan, nananalig na sa dulo’y hindi mo ako iiwan.

Pero nabulag ako sa salitang pag-ibig.

Hindi ako panyo, na pagbubuhusan mo ng luha tuwing sinasaktan ka niya.

Hindi ako kapiraso ng telang panakip butas mo sa tuwing binabatuhan ka niya ng salitang masasakit.

Akala ko ganun lang ang pagmamahal. Tipong titiisin mo yung bigat. Pero bakit pa ako magtitiis kung hanggang ngayon ay ‘di parin ako sapat?

Nangako akong kakapit lang sa gitna ng pighati. Pero mahal, wala na akong kakapitan pa. Naubos na ang pag-asang hindi naman talaga. Kaya saksakin mo pa ako ng iyong paglisan, dahil dudugo ako ng bagong piyesa at ikukwento ko sa kanila kung paano ako umasa, at kung paano ako tatayo muli.

Tatapusin ko ito sa isang tandang pananong. Sapagkat ang umibig sa’yo ay waring humihiling ng ulan sa gitna ng kawalan.

Hindi magtatagal, ay maglalaho ang lahat sa kalawakan. Kaya huwag ka sanang bulag na maghintay sa taong tutukuyin kung sino ka. Dahil ikaw lamang ang makapagsasabi kung ano ang puwesto mo sa mundong ito na kabalintunaan ang walang hanggan.

Gaya ng lahat ng simula ay may katapusan.

Dito tayo nagsimula, at dito din tayo magtatapos. Pero tandaan mo, hindi ko makakalimutan ang tagos.

- roxas, s. (lo-st.tumblr.com)

[lo-st]

Trepidation

Tell me about your fears; about the wolves beneath your bed.

Tell me about the tears. How you cover them with a mask in the morning, whilst the demons thrive in your head.

We all wear our scars from the insides, hidden from the ghosts of our lies. Afraid that the others might find them, because you wouldn’t want to cry again at night. Because you’re scared to find out that in the morning, the holes under your eyes have already gone deeper. Only to look in the mirror, knowing  that you’re not beautiful anymore.

We build ourselves cages of our own. Unconsciously knowing that we’re trapping ourselves inside. But there is nowhere better. There’s no escape out. They’re always haunting. They can always smell your scared flesh from hell.

Portruding collarbones, sirens wailing, a pool of blood on the floor. Your mom reaches out to your bedroom door, lost of words as she cries in agony. This was what you wanted, wasn’t it?

You – dead. You, having to escape the anxiety. But there is no escape out. Only a labyrinth to inner peace. You built your own demon inside you, and you thought the only way to destroy this was through the blade. But honey, you ought to destroy yourself too. The dark will never dissipate.

 Now, tell me, what are you afraid of?

“I am afraid of my own thoughts,” you say.

“I am afraid of myself.”

- roxas, s. (lo-st.tumblr.com)

[lo-st]

The Anticipation

Why do you keep on appearing In the most unexpected places During the most fragile moments When life seems to be pulling me down When I’m the joke, and you’re the clown

Why do you do this?

I keep finding you in the phrases from the Quote Catalogue. From the songs in the radio at midnight, when the rain is pouring. I keep finding you in the most unusual places.

— in the t-shirt from that shop. In the poems that say, ‘My Dear Love’. In my coffee, warm and smelling like autumn rain. In the grass that smells of fresh morning dew. In the stoplights that say, ‘go’, 'stop’, 'wait’. I’ll wait for you. Although I know I shouldn’t anymore because the last thing I could remember was how you told me you hated my skin and never came back.

Unkept promises, chained hands, broken barriers. How come you never told me how much I didn’t matter to you? How come you had the guts to keep me trapped inside your own tiny game?

I’m drowning. I’m drowning. My thoughts are drifting far from where I am,

What if I die? What if I die? What if I die?

Darling, my throat is now filled with water, and I try to fight against the liquid from this ocean of despair. The tide is now above me.

What if I die? What if I die? What if I die?

My lungs are exasperated. My breaths are now shortened as I remind myself, to not breathe, or else this emptiness will eat me alive. Darling, my eyes are blurry, I couldn’t look straight. Heaven is calling, could I be the saint?

What if I die? What if I die? What if I die?

I close my eyes, and take one final push against the current. But it only happens to push me back stronger, faster, ten times mightier, and I tumble over.

What if I die?

Next thing I know, I could only see darkness. I couldn’t feel anything but the numbness inside me.

Oh God, what if I die?

The thought of that phrase stung me like a needle. I don’t need any what-ifs. I’m already dead. I’ve always been. Especially to you.

Because everytime I see you in unexpected places, I remember. I remember how you told me you hated my skin and never came back. How you turned my blue ocean into a series of tsunamis & sad endings. How you said you were never going back.

Now I know Why you kept on appearing Because I’ve always kept on searching

Even if you were Already Gone

— roxas, s.

#prose #prose poetry #prose poem #poetry #poems #writing #poets #a letter #anthology #pasts #forgetting #mine #darkness #drowning #the anticipation #answers #gone #searching #where are you