letters-to-my-snowflake

[letters-to-my-snowflake]

Tomorrow's our anniversary. It's the eighth one since you left, and I miss you just as I did the first. How sad.

[letters-to-my-snowflake]

And some nights, I have to cradle my thoughts like a baby, because they still crave the most innocent parts of you.

c / and it hurts because I will never get that you back

[letters-to-my-snowflake]

You are heartbreak, and I will never know what it’s like to see you as love anymore.

c / ever since

[letters-to-my-snowflake]

This is to be my last post, my final unread letter to you.

I've done so much growing, and learning in the eight years you've been gone. I've felt such indescribable joys, and such unbearable pains, and yet I still think back to that soft summer rain. My thoughts have become a tangled web of poetry and anger, such ardent love parallel to every broken piece of my heart, and yet I smile. I cannot say that I'm over you, that my knees would not buckle and my eyes would not well if you were to return, but I can no longer say that I love you. I've spent so many cold and lonely nights reflecting on all that has passed, and the ways I've lived through this hell, only to fail you as well as myself in the end. In the reflections I see love, passion that I would have never thought possible, and pain that I never want to face again; pain brought on by the simple sanctuary that was the thought of you. I've deluded myself, blinded myself with softer thoughts and shut out the world in desperate hopes of finding peace in this, but the more I go on the more I hear cracks and weeping as I buckle and break, under the weight that is the thought of you, and all the pain you have caused me, the damage you have done that will never be erased. I cannot shake the thought of you, in dreams your touch haunts me and your kisses bring me to tears, I will never be free from this curse and my sympathy for that ends here. I am broken, incomplete, and because of you I always will be. And after eight years of failing myself in your name I've finally realized, just how unforgivable that really is.

This is to be my final unread letter to you, and it is devoid of the things I truly want to say, because you never deserved to hear that I still loved you anyway.

#it's over now #it's time for me to rest finally #goodbye.

[letters-to-my-snowflake]

it's been years and i'm still not okay,

and i think i never will be.

[letters-to-my-snowflake]

[letters-to-my-snowflake]

Marguerite Duras, Hiroshima Mon Amour (tr. by Richard Seaver), 1959

[letters-to-my-snowflake]

Everything still kind of hurts when I think about you.

But the saddest part is, I still kind of love that pain. I still love thinking about you even though it hurts, cause I'm so unbearably desperate to feel your presence in any way possible.

Even in grief.

[letters-to-my-snowflake]

This year's happy birthday to you takes the form of an incredible photoset, out in the open for all to see but for few to ever know the true meaning of. With this I feel you gently slipping away, and maybe for the best; it's been so long waiting for a day that will never pass.

You will continue to influence my artwork as you always have, and so I suppose a small part of me will always love you; my muse. But it's time my journey took me away from here.

#I love you #Happy Birthday #My beautiful Killjoy #Ma cherie #Mon amour #Ad astra #Volverte a ver #To me manque

[letters-to-my-snowflake]

I miss you every single day.

c / miss me too

[letters-to-my-snowflake]

Your voice makes roses grow in my chest.

[letters-to-my-snowflake]

[letters-to-my-snowflake]

Sometimes my heartbeat feels like a callback to when you cared, back before I was crying myself to sleep over the stress that's begun to gray out my hair. Sometimes I can remember exactly how it felt to be next to you but then I remember exactly what hell you put me through, casting your lies so that this ugly world would pity you; it makes me sad, just how little there was left of you. Sometimes I wonder if you've rebuilt yourself in the same way I have and if you feel drawn to me in the same way that- I wonder when the last time you thought of me- I wonder if-

I wonder, but I don't complete those thoughts cause I know the pain will kill me, I know the truth is ugly cause it's something I hold within me, close as a cold stone held over a warm heart trying to remember what love is, but I didn't come from love so maybe there's no point to all this. As wholesome as wholeness seems to me I can't imagine a world where whole is something that I get to be, like a blind painter I can't create what I can't see, and it's been so fucking long since I've seen you next to me.

#Thats a lie btw #I see us all the time in my dreams

[letters-to-my-snowflake]

I never realized how broken I really was until I tried to love someone else.

c / I’m trying, but a part of me still won’t let me

[letters-to-my-snowflake]

“If there’s a moon tonight, my love I would gladly dance with you – Take your hand in the spring of my palms and say you are my greatest dream come true. If there’s a moon tonight, my love I would gladly see her reflected in your eyes; For the way you see things in awe and wonder makes me want to live with you in breath then in paradise. If there’s a moon tonight, my love I would gladly make you feel like you are all of the stars; When there’s nothing left of us but tonight I will love you forever, madness, wounds, and scars.”

— Juansen Dizon, Luna & you

[letters-to-my-snowflake]

[letters-to-my-snowflake]

Even after all this time, the gentle feeling of your presence is such an unmatched comfort.

#I love you #Even though you'll never accept it