kenziejustquietly

[kenziejustquietly]

初夏

[kenziejustquietly]

Lent & Asceticism Journey: Journalling

The last five days I've been deeply unwell. I got so sick I couldn't move. Tomorrow will be my first day back on the horse.

[kenziejustquietly]

Lent & Asceticism Journey: Journalling

Tuesday, 27 February

I woke up to give Grace the work card this morning as she made her way to Queenstown. I felt pretty frumpy on my way in wearing my startup dunedin tshirt and clique leggings with my pink puffer shacket and jelly sandals. I added my blue light glasses to add an extra layer between me and the outside world.

I got to work and got things together for Hub City. The vibe was wonderful when I walked in, warm and vibrant. I happily set about talking to all different kinds of students, some for a long time, and sourcing a massive Bug List. Social media was easy. I sat next to Dunedin Pride with Campus Christians on the other side of me.

I was exhausted at the end of it. I went straight for the walnut crackers and ate my quinoa bowl. I came home on the bus which was peaceful and meditative. I listened to Red Scare which isn't exactly highbrow educational content but I had exhausted my reserves of everything else. I logged back on and made a pretty pitiful effort with the rest of my tasks, I was too tired.

Knowing I must wake up so early tomorrow for a workshop at 8am has been on my mind, and the fact I won't finish until 9pm is worse. Worse still, the early start the next day, too. I'm contemplating taking Friday off entirely. I can't do this much socializing without recovery time, or I begin to burn out, and I've been so good and productive recently I don't want to ruin it. I want to keep being proud of myself at the end of a good day.

I made baked lamb chops with rice and steamed vegetables for dinner. Connor had Cajun spice, rosemary, and a little morroccan seasoning on his. Mine was average but fit for purpose.

I did a mango copper hair mask, hoping it restores a little brilliance and evens out my hair a bit. I've set it in foam rollers for tonight, and it's hard to sleep with them in but I must persist. I have a retinol serum on and I'm covered in delicious smelling sol de Janeiro body cream, an attempt to offset the ache in my bones from having to pretend to be an extrovert all month.

I'm already so fucking tired and it's only Tuesday. God help me on Thursday afternoon.

#journal

[kenziejustquietly]

Lent & Asceticism Journey: Journalling

Saturday 24 & Sunday 25 March

I completely forgot to update this. I had a lovely weekend.

Saturday was sleep-in foam rollers, a brand new face mask (Loop detoxifying mask), rustic skyrim food (too delicious - felt guilty) and a trip out to see two of our favourite people Maddi & John at a pub that was way too bogan. We got there before them and Connor played pokies and won $18, it was funny to watch but ridiculous overall. Then we bought little scratch-card things, where we won $2 and I couldn't stop laughing as Connor went up to cash it in. I drank soda water the whole time. I wanted a cigarette. When Maddi and John arrived I felt happier than I had all week. Maddi looked beautiful with fancy eyeliner. We went home early and Jack was waiting for Connor to play cards with.

That night, I slept soundly for 15 hours. I woke up at 1 pm on Sunday. I cleaned the whole house - including using my new mop, which was a blast. I argued with meta support for a bit, read more of Sorrow & Bliss, and continued my cleaning odyssey. After it was all done, I made fried chicken wings for dinner (baked and unseasoned for me, batter + honey soy garlic for connor). We had it with little roast potatoes. It was delicious. I am starting to majorly adjust to the food, though.

#journal

[kenziejustquietly]

Lent & Asceticism Journey: Journalling

Friday 23 February

I'm writing this from the blissful comfort of a rainy Saturday morning, with the love of my life softly sleeping next to me and my sweet puppy in her crate jiggling the locks, trying to get out for a cuddle.

Yesterday was Friday.

I woke up and worked the morning from home, wrestling with Facebooks ad centre. I took a shower and used my new auburn brow pencil so my eyebrows don't immediately give me away as a fake ginger.

I searched for the source of weird smells in our bathroom and bedroom and found nothing but removed all bedding, washing, towels, and old things anyway, just in case.

Grace picked me up and we went back to her place to see her dog. I met her flatmate, she was lovely. Grace gets out a lot. She has a lot of third places. I felt like I am not doing enough to enjoy my city hearing her talk about all the bars and friends she has in her back pocket.

We went to get lunch and get some to take to Rach. I had to get the most boring thing there - brown rice maki sushi - because of lent. The others got my favourite food, poke bowls.

We arrived at Rachel's and Charlie was having a feed. He was so cute and looks like an old British man sometimes. I love Him. He cried a lot and also sharted which was fucking hilarious.

We hung out for ages talking to Rachel about how her life is going now. I confessed I missed her a lot when she left.

We left and Grace dropped me home. I put my hair in sponge rollers. Connor arrived home and made fun.

I also read quite a bit more of Sorrow and Bliss. It's a good 3 star read so far. There's a difference between a good 3 star and a bad 3 star. This one is definitely good. It's engaging.

We had skyrim food for tea. I only had two buns instead of three. I felt guilty because it was so delicious. It was meant to be rustic.

I drank a lot of sparkling water, read some more, and fell asleep next to my husband. Joy and Bliss.

[kenziejustquietly]

Lent & Asceticism Journey: Journalling

Thursday, 22 February

I broke my fast this morning with two slices of dry toast. I knew I had a big day ahead of me so I made sure to eat a little more in preparation, and good thing I did because it was exhausting.

Connor dropped me off at work bright and early. When I came in, no one was there. It was nice. I prepped for the Clubs and Socs day event and then bummed around. I stole a measuring tape.

Grace arrived with all the snacks for the day and I chatted with Laura as we got our things together.

All the pavilions, subcultures, beautiful outfits, buildings, and leafy trees made me feel like I was experiencing a little bit of university life again.

I talked with students non stop until my voice gave out. Every now and then I would stumble over my words. I had the co president of the student startup club with me, who is just a kid, so he's hard to get along with. We managed though and had fun.

I carried all our gear back to the office by myself and gave myself a blood blister doing so.

I was so exhausted. Connor came to pick me up and he was in a bad mood because Haku had peed in the car. Haku came in and was immediately horrible to Lou, who is the sweetest dog ever. She's not very nice, really. We do all the things people tell you to online but she's just kind of a cunt.

I came home and finished In The Garden of North American Martyrs by Tobias Wolff. I had mushroom soup, unseasoned chicken breast, brown rice and steamed greens for dinner. It was all I felt like after a long day.

I napped a little while listening to survivor tales of Auschwitz. Then I came and nagged Connor to come to bed and surprisingly he did, he isn't working tonight which makes me so happy.

I'm going to go now to snuggle both him and my horrible dog. I feel pleased.

[kenziejustquietly]

Lent & Asceticism Journey: Journalling

Wednesday 21 February

With it officially being one week, I can honestly say I am glad I am doing this. Although it is difficult, I'm spending more time with my thoughts than ever before. At first they were spilling out everywhere, so I had a lot of them backed up, apparently.

Yesterday I worked from home. I was very productive, installing our CRM and training the others on how to use it. I also drew up a budget for our event with Business South. It reminded me of the shopping I did for platters for our wedding.

I watched a video essay on an all white church in America. It was a "heathen religion", a term I now love, but they were all racist cunts. I painted my nails, attended an ecosystem webinar to see and be seen, and was annoyed to find the host told me I had not given her our company update even though I did it twice.

Connor and I were both fasting yesterday. We spent a lot of time meditating too. It wasn't too hard, and it made me consider how many people in this country have no choice when it comes to food security.

We went to bunnings, bought a hedge trimmer, and on the way home stopped by Hobby Lords. I saw T there which was nice. Haku came with us and on the way home I shut her foot in the door and she yelped for a long time, I was terrified and cried. I felt horrible. She seems ok now but she has a little gash on her foot from it. She isn't limping but I worry it might get infected so we will ask the vet tomorrow.

When we got home Haku got a special treat and even sparkling water which she loves (weird dog). She was sweet and cuddly. Connor and I relaxed together in bed and were very silly together, possibly high on hunger.

Overall, I felt calm and neutral.

[kenziejustquietly]

Lent & Asceticism Journey: Journalling

Tuesday, 20 February

I slept in ever so slightly today, knowing I had nothing to worry about and would be working late. I was in a sunny mood when I got up, had coffee, and started on my tasks for the day.

I listened to a video essay on Stoic philosophers and how they are misinterpreted by men a lot of the time. It was good but a little tacky in its production. I prayed a little, no effect. I took a refreshing shower and put on some makeup, as I was going in to the office.

Connor dropped me off and we went the long way. Rachel was going to come and say hi but she couldn't because Charlie overslept. I had laksa soup and burnt toast for lunch, I ate while I worked.

I worked really well today. I actually did some overtime just because I was enjoying setting up hubspot so much. The board approved the cost for me to go in and reactivate our account. I feel competent and happy that I'm included in the board meetings sometimes. After it concluded, I stepped out into the sunlight and walked while listening to music. I felt joy.

Grace was fun today. Sometimes I think she thinks I am a bit stupid though. Probably because I'm not as good at the job as she is and it might get annoying. But her dog Lou was in all day too which was extra lovely. He's such a nice dog. He barked at Wade who got a massive fright and it was very funny.

Dinner was literally beans and rice - the most ascetic meal so far. It was fine. I saw it as purely functional. I'm starting to count calories though, so I better watch myself because this was never, ever supposed to be about my body. I don't know why I started again.

I read more of Sorrow and Bliss. She's not the kind of unlikable bitch I enjoy reading, but I'll keep going for a bit. It's been compared to Fleabag and I think I get why. It's acerbic.

I purchased a new hair dryer since my one sucks, and I'm going to repurpose it for acrylic pouring, which will be awesome fun. I'm feeling a bit more put together today. I've taken a lorazepam and Haku and Connor are with me in our bed. It's warm and I feel happy.

#journal

[kenziejustquietly]

Lent & Asceticism Journey: Journalling

Monday, fucking Monday 19 Feb.

I woke up earlier than normal after a fitful sleep. I had finished all of Tess. It was a masterpiece in some ways, a pain in my ass in others.

I got up and was immediately pretty productive from home. Unfortunately I saw that my article in the ODT had been completely butchered and re-edited to remove all of my personality, it had been de-kenziefied. I took this personally and cried for an hour.

I still managed to do pretty well at work today though, and keep the house clean. I had plain unseasoned spaghetti pasta for lunch with a sprinkling of cheese, and two coffees.

I wrote a huge, detailed review of Tess of the D'Urbervilles. I further researched the difference between High Church religions and Low Church religions. I also watched a video essay on media literacy. I did not do much else to keep myself busy today.

I've been dreary all day. I planned the shopping, and added a swiffer for me to the grocery shop which excites me. Then I helped Kammy with some writing copy for her website and she was really nice about what I had done for her which gave me a boost.

Haku went on a brief walk. I grabbed Denise's paper and put it by her back door. The wind kicked up and howled, luckily I got my washing inside just in time.

Connor arrived home and sat chatting to me as I cooked us dinner of brown rice, plain lamb for me and morroccan lamb for him, cherry tomatoes, and steamed vegetables.

This is now officially becoming difficult. Before, it was mildly uncomfortable, and now it is genuinely hard. But that was the point, so I persist.

I tidied up after dinner and sat with Connor as he draws even now. Haku sits in her new bed but keeps trying to tear it apart. She's been good today until he got home.

I have been chatting with Cindy, Kam, and Rachel today. Mum has left for a long tramping trip out of service and I worry for her a little.

Soon I'll snuggle up in bed next to my husband and take comfort in him being right up close next to me.

#journal

[kenziejustquietly]

Lent & Asceticism Journey: Journalling

Sunday, 18 February

I missed mass. I felt guilty, I woke up too late. I sent Father Vaughan Leslie a message and studied some prayers.

I had plain pasta with salt for lunch and it was delicious.

I cleaned up, sorted out all my washing, tidied my room, and put all my laundry away. Then I hot washed the back door entrance by our kitchen, as Haku keeps peeing out there and so I need to occasionally broom the fuck out of it with hot water and dish soap to keep it from smelling.

I got through SO much of Tess D'Urbervilles today. I'm pretty shocked how quickly I have smashed through it. It's a really involved story. It's also very tragic.

Connor did a lot of yard work today. We went down together to trim back the overgrown grapevine, and he cleaned the glasshouse of weeds. I swept the dead leaves and dirt from our pathways, and he trimmed the hedges, weeded the soil, and mowed our lawns.

I researched Quakerism today after becoming sure I could never accept the Catholic Church. Liberal Quakerism seems really cool. They don't have cool knickknacks, though. Rituals are just so awesome, I will have to figure out a way to incorporate that glittering mystical beauty into my life in other ways than Catholic mass.

I came in and took a big afternoon nap. Then Connor made steak, vegetables, and brown rice for dinner. Ascetic meals are just beginning to twinge towards dull now, and I occasionally get a pang of desire for a sweet treat after eating.

I haven't faltered yet with any of my promises to myself. I just went to lie down and hang out with Haku, and Connor has finally joined me. I will drift off to sleep, feeling neutral and calm.

#journal

[kenziejustquietly]

Lent & Asceticism Journey: Journalling

Saturday, 17 Feb

I'll start with thoughts I have had today.

My interest in Catholicism is quite voyeuristic. I am sure God would be displeased with this.

I want to touch all their special gold knickknacks. I want to sit beneath their giant stained glass windows in a prismatic sunbeam. I want to learn the secret knowledge of the lost books of the Bible. I want to sing with my community. I want to smell incense. I want to study the saints and what they got up to in their spare time. I want to ask questions about the concepts of faith, supernature, transubstantiation. I want to understand my place in the grand plot of historical narrative. I want to touch holy water. I want to eat a weird cracker and drink a magic blood potion. I want to thank a metaphorical divine-human man for being tortured to death for us when oh, Jesus, you shouldn't have!

Catholics gatekeep all the best parts of organised religion, and make you sit in discomfort with your out-group. They ask you to submit to a powerful shadow organisation with a history of abusing children. This organisation tells you that their newest crusty nepo-baby is your direct line to correct moral and ethical categorisation. They tell you that your acceptance of social leftism is heresy. And locally, you have to trust a man who is materially dumber than you are in EVERY conceivable way to guide you, because he made a career out of his special interest and following The Rules.

The pas de deux of it all.

Now onto journalling.

Today I slept in until 10am. I got up and Connor and I had coffee together in the sitting room in the light of the little window. That's my favourite room in the house.

I continued reading Tess D'Urbervilles as I did the dishes and sat in quiet meditation for a while, then began re reading the catholic prayers I had been given. I've ultimately decided my journey into mysticism is not even close to being defined, however convenient it might be, as a follower of catholic dogma. Though, I do like their mass and their church the best, so I might keep going for a while. Those knick knacks, man.

I spoke again with another religious leader, a priest from Canada. His answers to my questions were better than father vaughans, but ultimately still very unsatisfactory and frankly, ridiculous. I pored through a list of famous atheists, recognizing many of my favourite people on there, and felt a little alone. Why has this awoken within me? What is it I'm searching for, and is it even God?

I had soup and bread again for lunch, as I'll be doing for the rest of lent. It's fine so far. I put my washing on, and drew myself a bath. I dropped in a blue-green honeycomb scented bath bomb, it made the water feel heavier, almost silky. I lay there for ages listening to a lecture debunking the concept of all grand conspiracy theories using mathematics. It was irritatingly rational.

I dried myself off and noticed my skin looked really nice, finally. I then decided it was a great day for acrylic pouring.

The process was messy. I couldnt find my phloetrol, so i had to use water. Not ideal.

As the sun and wind tangled with me on the front lawn, I mixed up pink, purple, and lilac blue paint mixed with white. I was trying to make a nice one for a present for Kammy but only one of the three I made is good enough, and even then it's quite underwhelming. I'm a bit embarrassed to give it as a gift.

I had paint all over my hands. It wouldn't rinse off my fingernails, leaving them marbled in pretty pink and purple patterns for a while. I let it sit, because it was so cute.

I packed up all my paint supplies and went across to my neighbour Denise's house to collect her mail for her, since she's away.

I came back in and I baked chicken breast in olive oil for me, while I crumbed and shallow-fried it with chicken salt, garlic, and lemon pepper for Connor. We had it with steamed vegetables and rice again, which I'm sure will get really fucking old soon. Mine was sad and bland, but he enjoyed his, thankfully.

I brushed Haku, she hated it. Then i continued with Tess D'Urbervilles and it started to heat up, to the point where I was thinking, is this a fucking romance novel? I get really uncomfortable with sexy literature. I don't like reading it because it makes me embarrassed. It was very chaste by all accounts but had that special Victorian suppressed-sexuality beneath the surface that is way more impactful than anything explicit.

Annoyed, I put it down and did some spelling and grammar exercises for a bit. Then I styled my hair for fun, even though it was now dark outside. It looked really good and i felt suddenly confident, so I also put on a tiny bit of makeup and slipped into a ridiculous pastel pink neglige when Connor wasn't looking. He came into the bedroom and immediately ended his call with Jack playing FAB, so we could have sex. Haha.

After that I realized we had no hot water left so I couldn't do dinner dishes, I'd have to do it tomorrow instead. I retired to bed to relax and hang out with Haku, continuing tess D'Urbervilles, which had become sad again. I picked up my phone only to do this journal entry, that was becoming much easier.

This is such a long journal entry. I'm so glad no one reads this shit lmao.

#journal

[kenziejustquietly]

Lent & Asceticism Journey: Journalling

Friday, 16 February

Today felt more settled, easier. I enjoyed not having the option to doomscroll. I don't miss Twitter or tiktok or Facebook or Instagram.

I worked from home all day, and slacked off again a little. I did what I needed to do, though. Concentration is really hard but it's not so bad when I'm at home.

The house is clean as a whistle. I showered and used my copper shampoo, which is helping preserve my ginger colour. I let my hair air dry today, and I liked it much better with it this length. I made little plaits from the strands at the front of my head, and pinned them back, while the rest I left wavy.

There's a lot of crown frizz on the top of my head, but I've decided it's chic to have crown frizz.

I had tomato soup and bread for lunch, and listened to a video essay on the divergence of Christianity. Then I listened to an account of someone who joined the Calvinist church.

I went to see Father Vaughan Leslie today. I could tell he wasn't sold on the idea of me joining the catholic church, perhaps because he could sense my belief in the doctrine was tenuous. I could never immerse myself in an organisation that denounced abortion, gay rights, or feminism.

However, he did shine through when he was discussing the personal relationship I could have with Jesus, and his voice changed a little for the ten seconds he was explaining to me that I may never get an answer for the things I seek. I felt golden and glowing as that wisdom was given to me. It made my time there more positive.

However, I could also tell he wanted me to slow down a bit and not think so much. I'm not sure that's in my nature. I'll go to mass on Sunday to get the books he has for me. He said a prayer for me before I left, and I went in peace.

I took the paper literature he had on hand for me and I read it. I will read it in greater depth tomorrow. I have examined my conscience and whilst I can feel the presence of a sentient force in beauty and warmth, I do not possess the ability to delude myself into thinking that homosexuality is wrong or that abortion isn't Healthcare. That is an essence of my being. Those are values I hold true, and strongly so.

I will continue to read and to pray, and to explore this strange avenue my will is leading me toward.

I met with Connor at his workplace where he was saying goodbye to his workmate. It was nice to see Lars and Yuko again. His other friends talked about Drag Race and I had fun talking to them but I felt pretty awkward and like an outsider.

We came home and I lay in a sunbeam with Haku as my little spoon. Connor made plain baked fish with brown rice and greens for dinner, which was actually delicious. The food part of this is actually much easier than the social media part.

I wrote my mini essay on No Country For Old Men and a short review for Circe. I shelved some books I wanted to read on goodreads. I did the dishes. I played tug of war with Haku.

I sat listening to Connor and the boys chat as they played cards over discord. I felt content and peaceful.

#journal

[kenziejustquietly]

Lent & Asceticism Journey: Journalling

Thursday, 15th March, 2024:

I reflexively pick up my cellphone all the time. 

I was mildly unproductive today, but better than some days. I spend ten minutes meditating on Epictetus. I make a time to meet with a priest. I play word puzzles and games to keep my mind sharp. I cuddle Haku and walk around with her like a baby in my arms. Connor and I have sex.

Connor laughs at me for inferring the dinner I have made is ascetic, and not just "Southland food". I made lamb steaks (unseasoned, baked), on brown rice with steamed broccoli and carrots. It ails me not to put something, anything, on the food. 

Connor enjoys Denise's chocolate slice for dessert. I am jealous. I clean the whole house and wonder how I'm going to pass the time tomorrow. I have made two more spreadsheets today. 

I listened to a physics lecture, then a short lesson about the history of earth's climate. After that, I listen to an essay on book collecting and consumerism in literary spaces.

I finished No Country For Old Men. Kind of sad in the end, but a very good book. Now I've begun Tess D'Urbervilles which is great so far, very charming.

I message my friends. Rachel sends me gorgeous videos of her fat, giggly baby. My little sister didn't come to stay after all, but she seems happy enough. I get a new documentary recommendation from Becky. I rearrange some knickknacks in our house to make them prettier.

I take a sleeping pill, oil my hair, and put my clothes out for tomorrow morning, intending a shower. I'm happy and placid. It occurs to me how many golden moments I have each day that I will never remember. 

#journal

[kenziejustquietly]

𝗆𝖺𝗋𝖼 𝖻𝖺𝖺𝗋𝗌

[kenziejustquietly]

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[kenziejustquietly]

// @dreamstilldreaming