kawaiimeraki

[kawaiimeraki]

Can you do this by yourself ?

“Can you take him out of the bath and get him in the towel yourself? I just want to see how you would do it.” , said my husband.

“Why? Can’t you just help me? I know how to pick him up, I’ve done it before. Why can’t you just help me like you always do”, I said annoyingly.

“You will have to do it yourself”, my husband said as he looked away .

“Why?” I said , again annoyingly .

“Because. I won’t be around. You’ll have to do this by yourself”,said my husband .

“I know. But can you just help me this one time?”I said

“Sure I can.” Said my husband .

This was our conversation today. It’s been hard. If you’re wondering what I’m talking about , my husband is going back into the service. It is what is best for our family at the moment. He is going to continue his education until he gets his training / duty station assigned to him.

Little backstory, he’s only been out of the marines for a year now . He went to school back in WA (as stated in previous posts) at a place called code fellows for coding bootcamp. He did a beginner& intermediate in JavaScript and web development.

He just enrolled at National University to do more computer engineering courses, which should be good for the time being.

For now, we wait. We have talked so much about this decision for him to go back. It’s been really hard because he’s going to miss out on some milestones with our son.Things are very bittersweet . I’m going to miss him more than I even realize. I’ve had him here with me since Miles was born , which makes it that much harder for me to even imagine it without him.

I am trying to get more in shape because Miles is 14lbs already and he’s getting heavy. I practice walking around with him on my shoulders , and I try to ask for as little help as possible (so I can imagine what it’d be like alone)

I know I won’t fully realize what it’s like until we’re there , because right now I’m surrounded by family and my husband. Once it actually happens, it’ll just be miles , my dog, and myself who knows where

I find some happiness thinking that we get to restart. Do things over. The way we wanted to. Be able to give Miles the childhood we want to. Set ourselves up nicely. Save better. Plan better.

I miss him already. I know I can do it myself. I’ve just become used to having him around. He jokes and bothers me at times, but he means well. I’m going to miss his kindness and smile, and those little things he does everyday just being nearby. I’m going to miss cooking his meals, and going for walks together. I’m going to miss being able to take a break from it all, so he can just be with our son and I can have a hot shower and not worry about it.

I’m going to miss having my companion by my side.

I can do it myself. I know I can. I have to, and I will. I will stand by my husband and support him, that’s all I can do.

[kawaiimeraki]

Today was a day.

Today was a day, and that’s most of what I can say.

It came and it passed , it hardly lasted

Today was a day and it passed

I couldn’t catch up

I only did the necessities

I didn’t do anything for myself

That’s part of being a new mom

Sometimes we must be gentle on ourselves

Some days we get to finish more than what is on our plate

Today I couldn’t finish my plate , the work stacked up

I have to be gentle and kind on my mind and accept that my day was just a day

There’s always tomorrow

I did my best and that’s what matters

Baby was fed , cooked some miso soup with chicken, cabbage , and spinach

Made a nice salad and some onigiri, tried to make husband feel special

Baby was fussy since the early morning , I didn’t ask for help

I can always ask for help, I just try to do it all,

That’s what moms do.

I really never knew how much my mom did, until I tried it out for myself.

Not everything can be easy,

But I can take it easy sometimes

Take it easy on myself

Not judge myself

Release stress by writing

I may not have time for much .

I may not be the best , but I try my best

For my son, my husband. My family

I try to be the best woman I can be

With the baby crying again, I must go.

I will comfort him in my time of stress . Whatever he needs , will be.

I love my little guy. He needs me.

Goodnight

[kawaiimeraki]

A letter to my son for his 3 months

Miles. It’s been so beautiful getting to know you so far . I had no idea I could become so bonded to you. During the pregnancy, I was mostly thinking about myself. I wasn’t thinking about you; of course I wanted you to be healthy , Alive, and thriving , but I mostly thought the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I wasn’t the type to have major conversations with my belly, I never did the maternity shoot photos , I never announced you into the world until you were here. Being pregnant with you was so very private for me. A few people knew, but what made you real wasn’t putting you on social media, or blasting that I was pregnant. It wasn’t about the baby bump photos, the status updates , none of it. It was about doing something I said I’d never do. It was about getting ready to love someone in a way I never loved before.

When I became pregnant, I had mixed feelings. Your father suggested me getting off of birth control after 10 years of taking it because he said he thought it had a negative affect on me. We both knew what the repercussions could be of not taking the pill, so we decided to track my ovulation. Well, that didn’t work because you were so strong you decided you had to make your debut into this world. Your father was intense about his opinion when it came to your existence. We knew very soon how to move forward , and there was only one way - to have you here by January.

I wasn’t ready to be a mom yet . I was so down and out at the time. I had started working a new job as a general manager . For some, you could say this is nothing, for me, I worked my way up in the food industry to attain the position and I felt like I wanted to put my all into it and I finally got what I wanted.

Unfortunately , the job was very demanding . It required me to work 14 hour days. Working with chemicals, being understaffed , and working at a place where they don’t appreciate their people wasn’t a good mix for me. I ended up quitting when I was about 3 weeks pregnant with you. I wish I could have worked through my pregnancy, but I didn’t have it in me physically or mentally. Your father was doing the best he could to support us.

Times were hard because I felt very alone.I missed my friends and family very much and wished for a baby shower they could all be at. Thankfully my mom, brother, uncle Johnny , and step dad were able to attend . It wasn’t everything I wanted, but I was still thankful for what we got , which was mostly clothing.

I didn’t take photos like everyone normally does, because I felt rushed and like I didn’t have time. I didn’t feel like I was a princess how I’d wanted , but it’s okay. We got what we needed (however there was no diapers or wipes suprisingly) . We were going to just make you poop in the toilet , but we changed our minds.

By the time I was a few months pregnant with you, I started to feel bigger, rounder, and less mobile.Also, I forgot to mention that shortly after finding out I was pregnant we got our puppy Baldur. It was great having him around to keep me company while you were in mommy’s belly.

I had lots of cravings when you were in my belly. Chipotle and MOD pizza were two of my favorites. I also had a long bout of eating sourdough bread and cream cheese. Some of the shows I watched were the great British baking show, peaky blinders, and mind hunter.

Let’s talk about your first month of life now son. Miles, your first month of life was a whirlwind . You were born 7 pounds 9 ounces. You were still little. You ate about every 45 minutes . You liked mommy’s milk and you also liked to drink a little bit of ready to feed formula. You would cry a lot more often than you do now. You lived with us at grandview road with isaacs family , and you would hang out with us in the living room at night time while we were watching knights of Sidonia and eating ice cream. You slept almost all day unless you were eating , you were busy growing.

The second month of your life was very eventful for you. You turned two months old and we decided we were moving away from Washington back to Southern California. We spent a week packing.it was hard because you still were eating very frequently , and it was hard to keep up with your insatiable appetite .

You did wonderful on the road trip, we are lucky because you are a good car sleeper . At your two month checkup , you were 12.5lbs. You grew so much in a short amount of time. We were amazed .

The third month of your life has been in California. You got to meet your abuela and abuelo, and uncle Edwin and Adrienne too . You haven’t met anyone else yet because we are in quarantine. That means we have to stay at home to stay safe . The reason is, Theres a virus right now. You don’t know anything about that because you are a baby. Don’t worry about it okay Miles ? We are doing everything we can to be as careful as we can during this time. We are going to protect you and take things day by day. Each day, you are smiling more , cooing, and bringing joy to our day and to our life. Miles, being in quarantine with you is fun. I look forward to every day having you around. It’s funny when you burp and fart , and we always love to see you enjoying your toys and music. Mommy and daddy live for your love. We are so lucky. I never knew I could love someone in such the way I do when I look at you. You’re beginning to really shine through. Your naps have been shorter, and today, we’re trying something new by waking up earlier and also sleeping earlier, to see how you do. We’re trying to create a routine for you to have a more relaxing environment so mommy and daddy can sleep more too. We love you so much. You are starting to enjoy walks more too. You look around at the sky, the bushes, and flowers. You are also noticing more about the people around you, and you smile when they address you. You’re so awesome miles. You also love sitting in your little Mickey Mouse chair and rocking and playing with the toy attachments. You are starting to grab things too. Bath time is becoming more fun also, you’re a natural in the water. It was so fun when mommy got to take a bath with you and see you kick your legs. I’m excited to see you in your new Easter outfits and take some photos. I’m really looking forward to having the holidays be meaningful with you, my son.

I love you son, i will always love you, I’m excited for you; and daddy too, I’m excited for all of us to have this life together . Because you make life worth living Miles.

Smiles for Miles with you baby boy.

Love you always ,

Mommy

[kawaiimeraki]

Depression shows itself in different ways

Many people suffer with depression, and they just don’t talk about it.

I don’t want to be defined by my depression. It doesn’t run my life, but it is a part of my life

I used to feel sorry for myself and hopeless before I discovered depression isn’t something I can get rid of, it’s something I have to figure out how to live with

When you stop feeling sorry for yourself you can learn to cope in healthy ways that aren’t harmful

When you seek knowledge and understanding of your situation, it opens up a whole new world where you can represent yourself better than you did before

Something people might not know about me is I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder in 2017

I was given medication and tried different combinations that didn’t work for me. They upped my dosage and eventually those meds started causing panic attacks to where I had to add another medication on

I stopped my meds cold turkey because I believed the pharmaceutical companies just wanted to make me into a customer; it wasn’t helping me in any way.

Meds work for some people, but they don’t work for everyone. For me what helps is talking to people, being open about my situation, and trying to understand others struggles and help them if and when I can. I love to talk to people, give advice, or be a listening ear when someone is feeling down.

I’ve smoked marijuana quite a bit in the past to cope with my depression but I no longer smoke because I have a child. Mothers can still smoke if they want to but I don’t because I am not working at the moment (extra expense) and I’m also breast feeding which in my opinion wouldn’t be right for my son ( it’s okay if you do) many people smoke for medical reasons and it’s approved by their doctors and I do not judge them.

My depression manifests itself in different ways. I am no longer suicidal. For those of you who don’t know I drafted a 7 page suicide note in 2017 breaking down to my friends and family why I believed my life was no longer worth living. I had been hoarding depression pills, anxiety medication (prescribed) and some other pills I got from a back injury (muscle spasms) and wanted to kill myself, but I decided not to do that. I decided to work on myself instead .

My depression has stopped me from pursuing certain goals and interests that I have because I don’t have the confidence I can complete a project. I work with my hands most of the time as opposed to my mind, because I feel that my mind is so clouded with underlying worries that I don’t feel like I can commit to something long term; even though I’d like to.

I actually do want to finish school , I just want to make sure I’m focused and in the right place. I’m not sure if I ever will be. I know success comes in many different forms and right now I’m trying to be the best mom I can be for my son and invest in his life and his happiness and make sure he lives a better life than I did.

My major depressive disorder makes it hard to do more than one thing at a time. I have so many interests and ideas that it can seem jumbled , I also have intention to do things and then I don’t because it takes a lot of energy to do things such as everything pertaining to my son. Feeding him, pumping milk, playing and interacting with him, and after that I try to move my body a bit or go on my phone for a bit.

I make a lot of excuses for things. For instance, before I had my son, I worked . I have always worked but I blamed not pursuing other interests on work , hence the only being able to do one thing at a time, I would describe it as a lack of energy, and so when I do one thing I hone in on it and everything else goes to the back burner

My depression has made me unreliable in the past. I stick to my word usually, but sometimes I’ve been known to drop the ball when something “comes up” what I mean by that is sometimes my husband asks me to do something and I don’t have the energy to. I cover the basics (feed my son, laundry, and cooking) anything extra I sometimes just don’t have enough in me to do it. It’s sucks because it seems like I don’t care

Next , how else my depression affects me is people think I lack interest, care , or passion. The truth is it’s actually the furthest thing from it. I love art , music, and want to do so many different projects but I’m not even sure where to start. Sometimes I just want to cry because people think I have no interests when really I’ve used up all I got on covering the basics. When I talk basics I just mean cooking, keeping my place looking decent , showering, having clean clothes and bedding. Everything else goes on the back burner

At my worst, my depression made me fearful to talk to and see friends and family because of fear of being judged and misunderstood . I now know all of this was in my head. I have plenty of people who care about me. I don’t know why I let myself go so far off the deep end

What I’m doing now to deal with my depression is listening to music, trying to keep in contact with people more, asking how people are doing, and trying to move my body and get back in shape. It also helps me to stay connected to catch up with friends and family. I like small talk. I like knowing how people’s day and lives are going. Asking people what they had for breakfast or asking for a recipe, seeing pictures of their daily lives or something , and giving advice when I can if someone needs it.

Depression is something I deal with daily . That’s just a portion of me but that isn’t “me”

I’ve been mistaken for being careless, emotionless , it’s nothing like that. I’m just constantly having this and I try to be strong but sometimes it shows in a way where it can have a negative connotation.

Another thing I’ve dealt with is post partum anxiety and nightmares since having my son. If my son is not sleeping close enough to me I start crying. I always have to check if he is breathing. And I’ve had multiple dreams of him getting hurt. I can’t help that. On top of that, I overwhelm myself sometimes trying to do everything for everyone else when I myself am overtired and exhausted. It’s hard being a new mom.

I’m safe, I’m thankful , and grateful that I am here and I have the people who I have in my life. If you have depression, anxiety , anything you can always talk to me. I won’t judge you I’ll be here for you whenever I can.

[kawaiimeraki]

My new life as a mom // lonely holidays//0-3months review with baby Miles

I’m going to be frank with you, when I had my baby 1/13/20 it changed me as a person. Permanently.something in your brain and your body just restarts. Before I had Miles, I could only imagine what it was like being a parent. To be truthful, I never liked babies. I was one of those people who would never hold a friend’s or even a family member’s baby. If I was ever asked if I was going to have children, I said “Oh gosh No, never” but that all changed obviously. I love my son but I still don’t want another. He’s awesome, but he’s a lot. It takes a great deal of patience and selflessness to take care of another human.

The main reason I don’t want another child is the anxiety and worry that comes with it. The responsibility of holding a baby inside , making sure they are healthy and not hurt, and the worry of losing the baby 👶 up until they are born is so crazy. The birth process itself is so scary too, I won’t go into detail in this post I will make a seperate post for my birth story, but let’s talk about what has happened since my very fun “baby-moon”

So where we left off last time I believe it was after thanksgiving , which we spent with isaacs family , and we got to enjoy one last special night at a hotel without having a baby. I had no idea how much life would change after the arrival of the baby, I hadn’t even realized how different things would be. It’s amazing and insane at the same time.

This year , Christmas was very stressful. I very much missed my family. We spent it with isaacs family, and we also spent some time with isaacs childhood friends. Isaacs moms side and dads side has their Christmas parties seperate. They both cook traditional American food (think crockpots) , turkey , mashed potatoes; sweet potatoes. I got tired of the food and I was also just tired in general because I was basically 9 months pregnant. I missed my family a lot and gift buying was stressful because we were expecting Miles. We still managed to buy everyone presents.

Once January came, I felt I could pop at any time. Isaac finished his coding bootcamp on January 7th. Which was just 6 days shy of Miles’s arrival into the world. It was nice to know he was home so that I didn’t have to worry about him being in Seattle when I needed to go the hospital. I was so uncomfortable at this point because I gained over 50lbs with my son, and he was so heavy on my bladder I had to pee like every 10-15 minutes. Once the 10th came I wanted him to come out so badly; but he still waited 3 more days. I was having contractions for 35 hours and I was in labor for more than 15 hours.

l really don’t feel like doing my birth story right now , so like I said I’ll make that post at a later time. The first week of my sons life was a fucking blur. Like complete blur. I got no sleep. I couldn’t “sleep when he slept” I had to look, and stare in awe of what I just brought into the world. I was scared and excited. Scared of not being enough. Scared of not being able to feed him enough from my breast (he lost weight cause my milk came in day 7) scared of not being what he needed. I just wanted to be perfect . But I realize I am not. I was excited . Excited to be a parent with a good guy who would never hurt me. Isaac exceeded my expectations when it came to helping , changing the diaper , getting me food and water and helping every single time. I was impressed.

Truly one of the reasons I never wanted children was because of how I was brought up, I just didn’t think a relationship could work out . But he’s a very helpful partner and I got super lucky. It also made me realize that unless your relationship is super strong it could make a man ghost you when you have a child because it’s so much work. It’s the hardest yet most rewarding thing but also absolutely terrifying to be responsible for basically the most vulnerable thing in the world. It’s all on you and you’re responsible for keeping that little person alive . No one can truly know what it’s like til you do it for yourself. No one is saying you have to. It’s a great and terrible feeling at the same time.

I have major mom guilt already, and I have post partum anxiety up the wazoo. Lol . Like for real, it’s super hard too. Because anyone who knows me knows that I was never sober. It was the longest I’d ever been sober since before I got into my abusive 8 year relationship that I left in 2015. I mean, I pretty much started drinking in 7th grade for fun, I did drink quite a bit freshman year of high school too, I got pretty rowdy and would steal patron from my friends moms liquor cabinet with her and fill it with water but it was all for fun. what I am talking about is I think junior year is when I got into all kinds of stuff. Because I had a bf who was in college; and he showed me other things, like rolling , candy flipping , going to raves. I had a lot of fun but it also fucked me up pretty bad, because he was also extremely abusive toward me and I couldn’t get out of it cause partially I was getting fucked up all the time to forget , my serotonin was all fucked. So fast forward time to being out of that relationship , I still carried things with me from it. I used drugs as a coping mechanism (never H or Meth) those were the two I never tried. But basically from 2015-16 I was heavily drinking (got a dui) but luckily hurt no one. I drank and drove by myself all the time, I never put anyone else in danger . In 17’ and 18’ I did psychedelics a lot with that bf that I had which confused me because I felt connected to him in the trips , but other than that when I was alone I was on antidepressants, smoking a LOT , eating edibles, prescribed Xanax (panic attacks) . This is all stuff I already talked about . But just saying. I was by no means sober , didn’t have intention to be sober - it was actually too hard because I always had crutches. Once I turned 25/26 I kind of started to change. I was tired of avoiding my problems. I still smoked and ate edibles but not as much. I started to think more clearly . Then when I became pregnant (found out 2 days after missed period) I completely went cold turkey. I was smoking quite a bit though because I hated my job so much as a General manager (literally it was absolute hell) but of course I quit for the baby. So this is the longest I’ve ever been sober since I was a sophomore. Makes me feel damn old too thinking I graduated 10 years ago now. I have had a couple beers since Miles was born though. Wish I could get my mind off things sometimes; but I breastfeed and whatever I do goes into the milk. So I can’t. But I’ve really never thought more clearly. I’m sure my brains kinda fried from whatever I did in the past , but I have to try to be sharp, and be the best mom I can be. I know I can still be a good person and a good mom. Truthfully I wasn’t into doing all the drugs and drinking , I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Some shit is really cool and fun, but the thing is it isn’t fun when you’re doing it to escape. I hurt so many people along the way and fucked with peoples feelings and my own too because I was just too numb to anything to realize what I was even doing . It’s funny because from 16’-17’ I was just doing whatever the hell I wanted. When I think about it now, I wasn’t even being myself. I was confused why when I actually liked someone why it never went my way. I was just too clouded to even notice how stupid I was. But I digress . -basically what I’m sayin here is 16’-17’ i was still trying to forget my problems, majorly depressed , then in 18’ I met isaac, cut down on a LOT of things and only smoked a bit for fun because he’s sober by choice and a good influence. I got lucky , I stopped looking for happiness in things that are not real, I looked at life differently; and because of that I was able to have a child with a sane person who actually loves and cares for me. I don’t think I would have been able to do that had I continued with the bad habits and not facing reality, I would probably have never faced reality without him coming along because I didn’t want to. I’m stubborn , I admit that, but I’m capable of change.

Next, I’m going to talk about the first month of Miles’s life. The first week , like I said was a blur, he wasn’t gaining enough weight from my milk since I was super stressed barely anything would come out. He had to be hospitalized and monitored because he was jaundiced. I also learned how to use a breast pump; because he hated breast feeding it made him very lethargic, and I also had him try formula (which made me feel so fucking horrible that I couldn’t provide enough with my milk alone) the second and third week kind of melded together. We spent our time waking up every 45 minutes, because newborns tummies are so little they get hungry very often. We didn’t get much from miles but crying 😢 and sleeping. He slept most of the day when he wasn’t crying.

The second month, things started to get more interesting. We decided to move back to California with a 2 month old (crazy!) but I really missed my family. Miles thankfully was still sleeping quite a bit. He did great on the 1200 mile treck. He started to gain more weight and be more interactive and noticing the world around him. He was still sleeping more during this time, and I was still giving him a few formula ounces a night because I wasn’t making as much milk as I wanted to. At this point I was strictly pumping and still am because he screams at my breast lol. (Slow flow)

Now we are just 5 days away from month 3 of his life. Miles is becoming so excited about the world around him. His naps have become much shorter , and I was actually able to completely skip the formula last night ( I finally made enough)! In order to do this, I have to pump milk every 3 hours. I hardly sleep because I want my son to have breast milk. It’s so hard because most women can just put their baby to breast and it’s much less time consuming. Some days, I just want to quit , but most days I don’t. I’m proud I have the discipline to hook myself up to this machine every 3 hours and get the milk out for 20-25 minutes and bottle feed my son all those great nutrients. For me it’s an accomplishment . Because I also cannot smoke (biggest crutch I had) even though I really want to. Miles is worth it, he’s a perfect little guy. He only cries when he needs something . However. He is getting to be a bit more now. Sometimes he just wants me to walk around with him. I do kicking and squatting workouts with him and he seems to like that too, but he loves being carried around any time and he’s around 13 lbs so I’m really trying to get in shape so that I can keep up with him . His naps are only like 15-20 minutes and short times only allow me to do a couple things for myself. Taking a shower is one of the highlights of my day. I miss Miles when I’m in the shower though or doing something that doesn’t involve him. I didn’t think I would bond with my child this much. I also thought I would probably just formula feed because I didn’t want my son to be too dependent on me (weird I know) but we found a medium because it ends up he hates breast feeding but he liked the bottle and I also wanted so badly to give him my milk. If you can’t tell already, feeding is the hardest part of having a new baby. “Fed is best” but yeah basically the whole day revolves around how and what the baby will eat. I still deal with depression and anxiety on my own, but it’s gotten better. But I do have post partum nightmares . Also, miles has started smiling, cooing, laughing , and his personality is really coming out which makes the process itself even more fun. I’m trying to take things day by day: we’re back in California which relieved a ton of stress for me. I will talk more about my move later when things get more settled.

Some things I’m looking forward to is getting our own place again , (moved with family since it was sudden move) and also taking Easter photos with miles. Also, I’ve been back to working out for a few days using the SWEAT app , it’s fun I can’t wait to lose some of my baby weight.

Thank you guys for reading

[kawaiimeraki]

My 2019 (& part of 2018) dating recap breakdown

Well. This year has been quite the year for myself and my little growing family . I guess technically my new journey of life kind of started in 2018. So I’ll begin there with what has happened since I’ve been really private about what happened with me after my on and off relationship for two years that I guess at the time I was pretty devastated about. I’m going to portion things out to make it easier for you guys to understand everything that’s happened instead of just doing a huge story

April 2018

April was probably one of my lowest points because I got dumped by someone I was on and off with for two years basically. Going into it, I didn’t know what to expect . I was the most confident I’d been in a while because just the year before I found the courage to leave a relationship that wasn’t serving me or the other person (2015) . I dated around for a year basically , kind of finding myself in more than one way and just seeing what was out there . Near the end of 2016, I met someone, and he was really cool to me at the time. He ended up just being a really long one night stand that finally came to an end in 2018. It really needed to end because I was chasing after an idea of what I had depicted him in my head. I wasn’t being the best version of myself and neither was he. I was ready to settle down in some ways and he so claimed the same when we first met that autumn of 2016. I can’t believe everything drew out for so long considering what had gone on with all the back and forth. Not to mention. I wanted more than what he could give me physically and mentally too. He was more dedicated to himself than anything ; and I was pretty desperate too. It didn’t help that I was struggling with a lot of depression and self medicating , mixing things. Not just my anti depressants but I also had a script for a very low dose of Xanax . I was smoking a gram of bud every other day basically , and I also took some aderall at times. I did psychedelics pretty regularly as well for those 2 years and I kind of continued that behavior until the whole relationship was done. I probably acted more crazy than what I ever admitted to. Now that I have a clear head and have been sober from all of that for at least a year I can see that my head was in such a fucked up place that I was probably behaving pretty strangely and that most likely was one of the main reasons I drove him away from me. Either way, he wasn’t being the best person either . I’m pretty sure he was dating someone else the whole time or close to it , because well they had a baby with some weird timing of things that was close to when we actually broke up that kind of didn’t add up. We were pretty much done with things by somewhere between April 18-28th. He broke up with me for like the 3rd or 4th time in two years over text and I just think I said lol . Ok. It just happened so many times back and forth I became desensitized to it. I could say I was suprised . But I wasn’t

May 2018

Right after my breakup I decided to get back on the dating sites. Tinder never worked for me. I never actually met anyone from it , so I decided to just reactivate my OK Cupid profile. I was mainly bored and just looking for someone to talk to, didn’t really care who but just wanted to strike up conversations . I decided I was gonna keep my profile up for a week and then if I didn’t find anyone cool to talk to I would just deactivate again. I remembered my password because I had been on there anyway throughout the two years almost every time we would get in a fight .I pretended to be all in in my relationship but I was actually the furthest from it , so I can’t really say I was innocent in any way to the demise of my relationship . So anyway, I logged back in. I didn’t see anything I liked and I was just bored swiping away. Then , there was someone who I thought was cool and I messaged him but he ended up being too feminine for me. He bleached his hair and he wore a trench coat . He was also into art and photography. I thought we had stuff in common but he was pushy and he also kind of hid what he actually looked like so then when I saw him in person I was confused. We lasted one date. I had also messaged someone else I was more interested in and more my type , but I was waiting for him to get back to me. During the date with the first guy, I couldn’t stop thinking about the other guy. I was on the date with bleach hair guy on a Monday, and I planned to see the other guy as soon as possible . I didn’t have the heart to tell bleach hair trench coat guy that I didn’t like him in that way, I simply was not attracted to him, so I still hung out with him for like 3 hours and made plans to see him again Saturday. Truthfully, I just didn’t feel the attraction to him because when we previously video chatted it was super dark at his house. The conversation was flowing, even in person, but like I said I felt nothing and I have to be attracted to the person I’m dating . So anyway, I made some plans with him loosely to see him again Saturday but it felt like I already friend zoned him and I didn’t tell him because well, sometimes I guess I lie or don’t show my disinterest . So Tuesday the other guy got back to me and he confirmed he would see me on the weekend if I was available. I wasn’t really available but I double booked my plans and said Saturday would work. Saturday came around, and trench coat guy was hitting me up because I didn’t clearly tell him I couldn’t hang out. He was snap chatting and calling me , but I was already with the other guy. It was cinco de Mayo. We met up at the mission viejo mall, one of my favorite places . I remember I had light pink and purple hair and wore my black leggings . I saw him going down the elevator and I was floored. That guy was isaac . He was 6’2 , slim, and dressed kind of preppy. He also wore glasses and had a nice smile. We hung out all day and I told him about the other guy and we laughed about it . We decided to see each other again (even though he had another date with a girl in San Diego) he ended up bailing on her , and we just never stopped hanging out . After the second and third date , we just kept hanging out and talking every day. He loved texting , snap chat, or video chatting . He basically gave me all his attention as much as I wanted and wasn’t creepy, he was cool and loved to get to know more about me. Originally . I wanted to see him only on weekends to make it less complicated , but he insisted on a mid week date as well. I showed him my favorite restaurants , and on weekends we would sometimes see a movie or get a hotel somewhere , and I would also bring him food I cooked so he could keep it in his room at the barracks where he lived at Camp Pendleton.

June & July 2018

June and July I continued to hang out with Isaac as much as I could . I had been working a few months at a restaurant in mission viejo and still doing my caregiving work which kept me close by to isaac. Especially for our dates I was always in the area. He always took care of everything and didn’t make me feel like he was doing too much. He was doing it because he wanted to. I started to notice that he was a good influence on me because he didn’t drink or smoke and he had healthy habits. He liked to show me new things like anime and talk about his experiences traveling , and he also liked spoiling me. He planned dates , and we got to see fireworks from a nice area up in San Clemente . He helped me move into my new apartment (which I was only at for half a month cause of a crazy roomie) and then helped me move to my moms when that didn’t work out. He stayed by my side when I lost everything, including my apartment and my car . He even let me borrow his car for work when mine was totaled because he just trusted me. He was instantly there for the long haul and that meant the world to me. Eventually because of my car accident and work drama , I stopped working for a few months. He supported and took care of me while I couldn’t work. He also went to most of my chiropractic appointments with me while I was recovering

August 2018

Isaac and I went on our first trip together to Washington . We went while he was on leave to attend one of his childhood friends’ weddings in his hometown. I also got to meet his family and “the grandview gang” which are all people he grew up with in the small town he came from. We stayed for a week and we had a great time at the wedding , and it kind of got us thinking : we could be each other’s forever too.

September 2018

September 2018 was a huge month for us. Isaac and I talked about getting married , but after we came back from the trip we really started to get more serious. Isaac and I wanted to live together , and be together as much as possible , we just didn’t know how we were going to make that happen . September 24th, without telling anyone other than my brother Edwin we got eloped. I was so happy I was finally with the person who i wanted to spend my life with and share companionship. We decided not to tell anyone since it had just been a few months of dating : but you know when you know and that is the truth .

October 2018- January 2019

This was the timeframe where isaac and I lived in our very first apartment together in San Clemente, it was kind of like a little slice of heaven for us. He worked only 12 minutes away on base and I walked to work at the outlets. I loved my job at the juice place. He of course, hated his job but we both worked mornings & we both had weekends off which worked perfectly. We had our routine down. Eventually , January came around and isaac wanted to move back to Washington . I reluctantly agreed but I wanted to be with him, because it meant a lot to him, I did that.i didn’t want him to resent me in the future , so I went along with it .

February 2019-April 2019

Isaac and I lived with his grandma for a few months while we got settled . It was much different in Washington than I anticipated , I was trying to stay positive , but the culture shock was and still is a shock for me. His grandmother was very nice , she still remains to be one of the most significant friends I’ve made since being here (I’ll get more into detail about that when I do my regular year review). We moved into our own place in April again and it was a two bedroom. We also got a puppy named Baldur to join us. The place was nice but too big for me and I loved being on our own again for the time it lasted

May 2019

I was working my ass off at qdoba doing a manager in training program , and then something about me just started to feel differently . When I would smoke my dab pen, I wouldn’t get high anymore . Not only that but coffee tasted disgusting , and meat smelled rotting. Something was incredibly off. May 10th I took a pregnancy test and I was pregnant. This was only 5 days after isaac had “staged” a proposal that he shared with his friends and family. Why he did that; I have no clue still . I think he felt guilt for hiding our marriage all that time (I didn’t ) but anyway he felt the need to tell everyone that we were engaged even though in reality we had been married since September 24,2018. He also just wanted me to have the brilliant earth ring I wanted so badly . So that happened on May 5th (fake proposal) and then on May 10th; when I got home from work one day I took a pregnancy test , I took two.. and they were both positive. At first, I didn’t know what to do. From the beginning , Isaac wanted the baby and I knew our lives would change forever.

Fast forward to August 2019

Isaac and I moved back in with family. I quit working my job at the place I was at for many reasons but it just wasn’t mixing well with the pregnancy. Isaac worked security the whole time up until August when he decided he wanted a career change to support our little growing family . He decided he wanted to do coding / web developing / software developer schooling . He studied very hard , found a school but then totally changed his mind about it because it wasn’t beginner friendly . It was frustrating for him and me because there was a level of uncertainty .

Fast forward to October 2019

Isaac became fully immersed with his coding bootcamp and was making significant progress. By this time I was already 7 months pregnant basically . I could see how hard he was working and how dedicated he was to his program because his total commute daily was 5-6 hours which included driving , train, and bus just to get to his school. GI bill was paying for his program , which also covered our bills and other living expenses , money has been tight , but it was and will be worth it . It hasn’t been hard staying by his side because he always provides everything I need up or down. He also completely takes care of our finances and bills so I’ve never had to actually worry about it. Before I was with him I was constantly late on bills, avoiding mail, now I don’t have to worry about that at all.

November 2019& December 2019

In November my family came to visit here in Washington , Isaac finished his 2nd course , we had the baby shower , and other drama happened which leads us up to now. We both have talked about it a lot and when the baby comes back we are going to move back to California because I am not happy here . It will be isaac , myself, our baby Miles , and our dog Baldur. He’s already been applying for jobs there . At most , if he does the next class at his school which is the final course he would be done by April 24th 2020. It feels close and far , but at least our head and hearts are both in the same place . It’s December 31 now; the final day of the year . I definitely pictured things differently but I never doubted him in commitment or loyalty and he is a provider . We will get to where we need to be. It’s just 10 days til my due date. I’m still tripping that there’s gonna be another person here that we created . I wouldn’t want it with anyone else - hell I don’t think I wanted to ever have kids but it’s what happened . I’m looking forward to our life completely changing .. I know there’s many challenges ahead , one thing I’m sure of is I have isaac , I can lean on him, and that’s all I ever really wanted .

Pics are from when we first met may 2018 to December 2019 (9 months pregnant)

Can’t wait to get active again once baby is here ❤️😄

[kawaiimeraki]

A surprise baby moon for me

So, for those of you that don’t know a baby moon is a special night or date night couples like to go on before the arrival of their new baby. Kinda like a honey moon, but they call it a baby moon. So ours wasn’t actually planned , which we didn’t think we’d have one but I’d seen people on social media doing it and thought it was kind of cool but I didn’t want to ask isaac since we’ve already been pretty busy for the holidays with 3 different holiday parties. We had a friends Christmas, then his moms side , and tomorrow we will be going to his dads side Christmas. It’s also been pretty hectic because isaac is in the middle of his 301 coding boot camp course. Thankfully, he has had some time for a Christmas break though and today happened to be the day where he had the least obligations. He finished a test yesterday that was very important for his grade , and he has today and tomorrow free and Christmas as well and goes back to school for Thursday and Friday. Earlier this morning, he was asking me what I wanted to do with our day and I wasn’t sure . I felt pretty lethargic and so did he. I made us a grilled ham and havarti grilled cheese sandwich with the leftover spiral ham I made for the potluck yesterday. We debated going to a movie but then we decided against it because we didn’t want to be too “on the go”. Isaac almost decided to go shooting in the backyard but he just didn’t want to. If we had decided to go to the movies , we had planned to see the Star Wars movie, but we didn’t feel like driving south to get to the theatre with the recliner seats (which are the only ones I like to go to now) & then Isaac came up with a different idea altogether . He and I actually were given a 50 dollar Olive Garden gift card from Chris who is our sister in law. He had the idea to find a hotel next to an Olive Garden so we could have a relaxing dinner and then stay the night and just enjoy ourselves. I think it was a great idea and I was feeling good today and so he booked our hotel at la Quinta / Wyndham up north. It’s a 4 star hotel and we got one of the best rooms because they are definitely not busy on a Monday. We checked in, then we went to have our dinner. I hadn’t been to Olive Garden in years and neither did he. We got a yummy chicken shrimp carbonara dish, unlimited salad and breadsticks with Alfredo dipping sauce , and we took an entree to go. The entree we got was a baked Alfredo tortellini with grilled chicken and it came with soup it was some type of beans with noodles and tomato sauce. We even got free breadsticks with it. We also took a slice of cheesecake to go too. It was definitely too much food for us. On the way back, we got some Starbucks because we wanted to stay up a little later than usual. We go to bed pretty early during the week no later than 11 but 9 on a school night. So we got our coffees and came back. We watched an episode of my hero academia and then we decided to watch a Netflix anime movie called blame ! It was pretty interesting. After that, we watched one of the national lampoon Christmas movie which are actually funnier to watch as an adult . The bed is cozy and the sheets are nice. The bathroom is also very nice and clean. This is definitely a wonderful surprise for Christmas after all the obligations I’ve felt we’ve had this year with gifts and get togethers and feels like something just for us. I was suprised he chose to do this today and also very happy and appreciative. They also have a nice free breakfast in the mornings here. Not just continental. As you can tell, there is a lot of food involved here . We also took a Polaroid that was a little dark but still cute. I’m so thankful to have isaac. He knows me so well now. We’re excited for miles to be here. Just two more weeks til his due date. It’s been hard this year a little bit but it’s all gonna be worth it. Plus Isaacs school will end right in time for him to stay home with me and baby Miles and help me out which should be great . Well, that’s all for now.

[kawaiimeraki]

1 month away from my due date

It’s official, only 4 more weeks until Miles Dominic’s due date. He’s due on January 10,2020. It’s really hard to believe that in no more than a month there’s gonna be a little boy in my arms whose gonna depend on me for everything. My ribs and my stomach feel so heavy now. The pressure on my ribs is just his feet and legs pressing up against me and it also causes these weird hunger pangs long after I’ve eaten As well. The closer and closer it gets the more uncomfortable it feels under my breast area and upper abdomen/ ribs cause he’s pretty much running out of room in there. My app calculates he is the size of a squash (18in) it’s getting harder to sleep too cause he’s just occupying so much space. I’d love to sleep on my back again but they don’t really reccomend it . To begin with I was actually a back or stomach sleeper and I had to change my sleeping position to the side . The left side is usually what I sleep on, but every couple hours I get up throughout the night even with a pregnancy pillow because there starts to be pressure in my hips. Every day I wake up my belly looks and feels bigger. I also have a ton of stretch marks too . Clothing isn’t fitting at all, but I’m over it . I didn’t bother getting much maternity clothing because I figure it’s a waste of money. I’m almost to the finish line here, it’s just getting so tiring for me . I’m getting more clumsy, lazy, and just anticipating him being here. I’ve cleaned most of his 0-3 months clothes with the baby detergent, cleaned receiving blankets & beanies and socks as well. What I have left to do is get a bottle sterilizer and stock up on some post partum stuff for myself . I just hope I’m ready. I know mentally I’m there I’m just worried about how it’s all gonna go down when it comes. I hope he stays in as long as he’s supposed to, it would be best because then Isaac can help me a lot more which is what I’ll need.

[kawaiimeraki]

My giving wishlist this year - there’s so many gifts I would love to give out this year , but baby Miles will be here in no more than a month and 8 days. He’s nearly done baking. However , I will be making home made cards this week and going to a pharmacy we have here that has awesome and hip gifts I saw through a catalog. The name of the pharmacy is called “bartell’s”. I’m not sure what all I will get from there , but I do have a $10 off a $50 purchase coupon which is nice so I do plan to spend $50 if my husband says it’s in the budget. We don’t have no money for gifts , we just have to be choosy with who we give those gifts to. Thankfully; I kind of started my own tradition where if I’m at a store and I like something , I just add it to my total. I do this throughout the year if I see something that I know someone I care for would like & I just save it for later. It helps take less of a toll on the budget at the end of the year. Some people I know we will buy for for sure this year will be Isaacs grandma Mary , Isaacs class mate Cindy (she’s given us a huge amount of baby stuff) and I might also send a couple things to my family. I plan to get some photos printed out as well and sent out, and I’ve also seen some nice stuff at Costco like packs of popcornopolis that look so yummy . I saw other stuff I liked at Costco too like Starbucks mugs/ to go tumblr for coffee made of ceramic and it comes with the ingredients to make a peppermint mocha. The stuff I saw at bartells would be unique to send to my family, although I don’t want to go overboard. Some examples of what I saw are a lego type model (not LEGO brand) of the space needle ; a ferry of chocolates , stuff that is basically Washington special like smoked sockeye salmon, which made me think of Isaacs dad , and some other cool stuff like big foot socks that were cool. I also saw an automated pidgeon toy that looked funny for a white elephant gift. This year, we do have two christmases to go to, which will be one for each side of the family. I’m not sure if both sides are doing white elephants or if there’s just gift exchange (need to clarify still, ultimately we still need to figure out what our budget is. Our baby shower was really not too long ago; but I still have a lot of little essential items to get like hygiene items and health stuff . We definitely got more than enough clothes, either way, I’m excited for Christmas to come cause that’s closer to having baby Miles here. It’s scary and overwhelming but exciting at the same time. The holidays definitely feels different here but I’m happy to get the chance to know where Isaacs roots are. I’m missing my family though.

[kawaiimeraki]

A life update / bio for those who dont know me well

Basic bio: 27, female, living in Washington state, California native ; married & 8 months pregnant with my first child.

I’ve been very secretive about my life since I left to Washington state in general. It really hasn’t been the easiest of journeys for me; but it’s been a learning experience for sure . I’m not sure if I should just spill my heart into this post completely or just take things day by day. September 24,2018 I got married to Isaac who I met online through the app ok Cupid . I met him just a couple weeks after I had been broken up with by a guy I dated on and off for two years. Isaac came into my life when I least expected him, but I really needed him more than I realized . We were only dating for 4 months until we decided to tie the knot and it was the best decision I’ve made in my life in a long time.2016/2017 I was actually feeling pretty suicidal. Which probably caused me to not be the best version of myself in my previous relationship. The timing of everything was just off , I was forcing it , and he tried to show me signs he didn’t want what I wanted in many ways but I just wasn’t getting it. Thankfully , with Isaac I don’t have to worry about my position in my mans life, I’m sure of myself , and I’m more mentally and financially stable than I’ve been in my entire adult life.

Since I’ve gotten to Washington , I haven’t worked as much as I previously had in California. I have been in the food service industry for 10years , and caregiving for 7 years , I also nannied for a family for 4 years . I’ve always had full time work or even stacked more than just that to my plate . However , I was never good with my finances ; I love to shop, I love to go out to eat, and splurge on myself . I’m currently actually working on fixing my credit as well , due to the fact I moved out when I was 19 and I made some mistakes financially along with getting a dui back in 2016 (which is super expensive) I’m not sure that I ever actually went public with my dui. Because I didn’t really want anyone feeling bad for me , I just wanted to figure that out on my own and I pretty much took care of it. I got my license back 4 months after the dui but it took me about a year and a half to pay off my fines and such. It was a learning experience for me. Not something i reccomend (11k) is what it cost me in total.

I still need a lot of help from my family , my mom does help me with some of my debt since I had an unexpected pregnancy , I’m thankful for that, I never really asked for help before but sometimes people need help and right now I do need that help. I hope to be able to get her back in the near future .

Some more about me, I really depend on my husband Isaac for everything. He takes care of our finances , and he’s also in school right now for web development . He was in the marines for 5 years , he’s very driven, motivated and positive . Something I like about him is he’s good at saving money, he doesn’t drink or smoke by choice , he’s a leader , and he doesn’t care what people think. He does everything with a purpose and logic behind it (something difficult for me to do) he’s also been a good influence on me to not lead so much with my emotions , and to not waste time and my life on things that I cannot change, focus on the present day and live in the moment but also focusing on creating a good future by living with purpose and not just going about life without knowing what the point of it all is.

I found out I was pregnant in May of 2019, just 3 months after we arrived here in Washington from California. It was overwhelming for me. I was thinking of what I would do at first , Isaac didn’t think there was any option but to move forward with our baby, I just never imagined myself being a mother. I always kind of thought of myself as a fuck up, not someone that would be a good example, and I always thought negatively about my future , and even sometimes thought maybe I wouldn’t have a future (imagined darkness). Isaac was actually super happy to find out we were having a child, I wasn’t familiar with how he felt because my parents were never together , so I didn’t know that there even could be the feeling of a full family . Now; we’re 8 months into it , and I’m due January 10th. We’re having a boy and his name will be Miles Dominic Nelson. I also plan to change my last name before the baby is here preferably . I’ve been meaning to go down to social security but I never did. I know it would mean a lot to isaac if I got that done, so I intend to do so as soon as possible.

Another thing is that our families recently found out we were married , I didn’t initially tell them and he didn’t tell his family. Because we didn’t feel it was anyone’s business (until we moved closer to his family then it became their business). My mom just found out this weekend actually . I felt a little bit bad about it , but it was just something I felt was really personal for me.

In addition to this, there’s been some hiccups for me since I’ve arrived in Washington with my work and my social life. Things have kind of been flipped upside down in that area. I actually was able to compete a manager in training program with a company called qdoba. The food industry to say the least is immensely different from anything I’ve ever seen practiced in California. I don’t want to delve too deep into it in this post, but I worked there for 3 months & I found out I was pregnant , I was going to take a leave of absence; but my first trimester was really difficult for me, so I left at the end of May and I don’t plan to work until I go back to California .

As far as friends go, I really haven’t made a lot. They weren’t kidding when they said “Seattle freeze” most of the people who live in Washington are natives of Washington from what I’ve experienced. Where as, in California people come and go from different states and country & they are a lot more open, friendly and welcoming . We actually don’t live in the heart of Seattle , we live 50 miles away from it . We live in a city that is considered to be northern and going toward Vancouver, British Columbia. It is more rural, this also makes it more difficult to make friends. I suppose if I wanted to make friends I would have to go to church or go out a lot more but I really don’t feel like putting myself out there because I already have my heart set on moving back anyway. We do have two couples we are friends with one is joe and MJ & the other is Chelsea and jack . We typically get to see these couples once every couple of months because they are busy. Jack and Chelsea live on an island named guemes and joe and MJ live in Everett which is about 20 miles south of our location . They are very nice people, they are natives of the area. They were actually Isaacs childhood friends and that is how I was introduced to them. I’m thankful for these two couples.

Other than them, I haven’t made any friends organically on my own and that kinda kills me inside. I’m really hoping to leave here by May/June when the baby is a few months, that’s the plan we have because by then my husband will be done with school. I don’t intend to stay here any longer than I have to. I have a few really chill friends who I cherish back in California , and I didn’t realize how much they and my family meant to me until I became isolated here in Washington .

I’ve tried to put myself out there multiple times. I’ve downloaded apps like peanut (tinder for moms) it’s basically to meet friends in your area who are moms, thaw (meet friends) and what to expect ; but I haven’t made any meaningful connections. I get upset about it sometimes, I’ve tried to have many conversations and even meet up with people and it’s never quite worked out. I’ve also invited two people who I thought were friends from online and have chatted with a ton to my shower , but they didn’t show, so I’m no longer going to waste my time trying to contact these people like I need to prove myself to someone. I even went to two different events for one of the girls , so I expected some reciprocation but she didn’t show, so I was a little salty about that.

Anyway; the plan for Isaac , baby miles and myself is to move back by summer . He will be done with his school by April , we will focus on minimizing things , streamlining living minimally and I will focus on being the best mom I can be to my baby and getting in the groove of things and we will be back in California in no time . I plan to try to breast feed for the first 6 months, if I can that’d be great if I can’t then I will just get formula. There’s some stuff I have to take care of like getting WIC and changing my name too.

I’m going to use this as my personal blog , so if any of you want to keep up with me or what I’m doing on a daily basis come here and you’ll know. Thanks for reading guys. Lots has changed in the past couple years. Life’s so different now.

Love,

Kawaii

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