kafswritings

[kafswritings]

A break up letter to my beloved~

A sip of coffee brings me back to my laptop and I keep typing before I forget. The warm cup gives my fingers a moment of comfort before I switch over to cold hard keys. When I first started college, the thrill of caffeine always got to me. The way it numbed my skin, the way my heart started pacing faster. It was an addiction that made me excited about my life here, my adult life. Mixing coffee into Pepsi, energy drinks, if it was caffeine, it made me soar and I loved that.

Sitting here this early morning with a cup of coffee, I reach out to my empty water bottle. I’m tired yet I walk the halls to fill my bottle, I don’t think I can handle the dullness of caffeine anymore. I don't think I want it anymore.

My college life has changed so many things in my life. I was never confident in the person I was walking into my first year. As I think over my years here, I cannot definitively say which moments made me accept myself. Drinking over the weekends, midnight birthdays, decor work for clubs, a million different experiences, a million different moments which made me who I am. I’m grateful for my cup of coffee for always being by my side for all these times. It gave me the strength I needed on days I ran on no sleep to my 8-hour class schedule. It kept me up days in a row during exams and never complained (even when I did). Caffeine never let me down. It was more reliable than my first-year friend group.

Until my days started dulling down to sunsets at midnights.

The thrill turned to an ache that I ran away from. “I prefer other drinks now” I thought to myself, I didn’t think it was that deep. And it’s not. It’s just different now. There was a phase in my life when I liked the taste of it, the rush it brought me, and the way it made me feel. Today it dissolves into nothing but burnt ash in my mouth. And that’s okay. I just prefer different things now. I’m grateful for the way it made me feel, and its role in my life. I’m grateful for the March spring on campus, the Diwali lights during October, the December cold, and the summertime ice cream. Nothing much has changed really, I just appreciate these things differently each time.

Naveen bhaiya still makes my order of hot coffee with extra sugar without asking, I tell him I’ll get an iced tea instead and he laughs. Habits melt away, and priorities change, but I never realized I changed until I stopped missing the taste of caffeine. And I think I’ll stick to iced tea for now.

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