jzlot108

[jzlot108]

It's funny, because some days you can wake up feeling so very "let's take on the world today," while others are "I would love to just let the world exist around me," days. Today was the latter for me, as it happens. Would you like to know why, reader friends? It's because I hopped on instagram and immediately found myself comparing my life to someone else's, because they were at a really fancy party, with people I didn't know, and it sure looked like they were having a lot of fun. I would have liked to have been at that party, too! Right?

The reality is, probably not, because I immensely dislike social events most of the time, and get anxiety in bigger crowds. I have since I was younger although then I didn't really know what it meant. I just chalked it up to being "weird." (Okay, still weird.)

Anyway, I compared myself the moment I woke up to someone I don't even know, doing something that looked like it was worthwhile to post on social media to make others jealous or feel like they were missing out. Mission accomplished. To add fuel to my distress fire, my cat took this time in his complete irreverence for my sanity, to knock a full glass of water off of the counter, breaking the glass and saturating the floor. This made me absolutely, irate, in the moment.

Then, the firefighter that she is, my fiance came in and said "Hi babe, how are you this morning?" and the very cyclic "I don't know I just want to lay in bed today.." feelings came spewing out. She, in return, was having a bad morning because of some car troubles that are wildly inconvenient. We both shared our woes and got on with the morning, and since I work from home, that means I walked 10 feet to my desk and logged on, and I told her she could take my Jeep to work. This is where reality set back in, because as I was holding my demon child (and giving him affection and forgiveness because he's just too cute) she said this:

"Love, I know it's maybe not the most fun to go to work today, but at least you get to cuddle Weasley in between, and make/save money for our future adventures." She reminded me that I have the luxury of being in my own space for a work day, and a plethora of other things that did make me feel less of the "impending doom" feeling in the moment.

It's interesting though, the way we think of ourselves. Does anyone else get that feeling of "imposter syndrome?" Where you kind of just feel like you're existing day to day while doubting your own skills and talents? Sometimes I feel like i'm thirty and don't know what i'm supposed to be doing. But what is it exactly that we are "supposed to be doing"..what everyone else thinks we should be? This thought always baffles me. I don't think we ever get to the point of complete and harmonious "understanding of life." We just keep..doing it. That's the point. And while in that process of "doing it" or "just getting through today" the days turn into years that really do seem to fly by. Friends change, people age, our pets get a few more gray hairs than they had before. And through all of that, if you're reading this, I hope you feel you've done (and are doing) the best you can.

After the incredibly melodramatic start to my day, I sat down with a cup of coffee and chose to reflect for a moment. The insurmountable amount of work I have done on myself; to know what I deserve, the self awareness of a situation with my partner, how to talk through things and knowing that writing helps the feelings subside. I have wanted to sit down and write for a while and today the words seemed to write themselves (thanks to the ridiculousness that is social media and my unruly cats, of course.) I have learned to be grateful for what I have, the frivolity of the life I lead being a significant one. Our lives will not look the same as those of the people we are comparing ourselves to. We are not in the same spot in life, with the same thoughts and aspirations, in the same location. It is so easy to think someone else has it all, when really, who cares what they have or don't have. It's literally only about what is best for you. I feel like generations before us felt like they owed it to a job to go into work when you don't feel well, or following through on something that doesn't serve you because you said you would, and I think (and am happy to see) that millenials and gen z seem to be breaking that mold.

All in all, while my morning started off a bit chaotic, I did my best to try to be my own mediator. When I was going through a bit of a rough time a couple of years ago, I was encouraged to write down these three things:

I am grateful for:

I will let go of:

I will focus on:

And I do enjoy filling in these affirmations daily. It seems to put things in perspective a bit, especially when you look back years later and see what was big in the moment might not be so big anymore.

We all have our things, things we are good at, things we don't like, things that make us uniquely ourselves. I have to remind myself I have all of the power in making the best decisions for myself, and I feel that I have been tuning into that more, lately.

One unsolicited piece of advice I would give anyone is, if today hasn't been the best (or it has) and you think going home to have a glass of wine or grabbing your favorite dinner after work would serve you more than the run you told yourself you'd go on or the class you signed up for, I think listening to those feelings is advantageous. The gym will be there tomorrow, the dinner date you said you'd go on can be rescheduled.. and instagram, if you put the phone down tonight, will always be there to scroll tomorrow.

Thanks for reading,

jz