justadreamjournal

[justadreamjournal]

Is it too much? Too much fot me? Maybe i should just stop getting high

[justadreamjournal]

Had to push sage off a hug cause it felt tpo gay :/ was feeling ok about hanging w them cuz theyre a couple but then she hugged me a lil too close and it felt wrong so i pushed her away a little. She apologized later and i told her i just wasnt comfortable since they were a couple and she said it was fine theyre open. Barely a thing, just a situationship. I just wonder if thats how they feel. Im aure it is im just paranoid.

[justadreamjournal]

Its everything amd nothing, its all of it at once

Maybe it paints a picture when its all said and done.

Oh what the fuck am i saying. I die tonight.

[justadreamjournal]

I'm maybe just a little melancholic.

Dont get me wrong, you won't catch me crying,

I just get real in my head, like strung out.

Just feels like theres a weight, you know, a sadness that I can't seem to shake.

It gets the best of me sometimes, and theres been times where it's taken the wheel entirely.

I'm so scared of other people that i find it really hard to be friendly. Its like theres a gun to my head during any pleasant exchange.

I have to prove my worth over and over again. I need to be useful. If i can't be useful I have to be desirable. My body is a tool and a toy, but never real.

Finding places i belong isn't hard, but being there for long enough to where I fold. It's hard not to lose myself in the nerves.

[justadreamjournal]

Anne Sexton, from The Black Art

[justadreamjournal]

Golden birthday. Once in a lifetime. 23 on the 23rd, full moon, and for the first time i feel like im actually older. Is it just me or is the universe aligning?

I was missing purpose. I felt like i had no reason to exist without fullfilling work and responsibility. Im going to have money now, resources, new skills. Im proud of what i do already, and im proud of myself. Maybe things are still cloudy and uncertain but so many problems have been immediately absolved.

Yesterday i got up early, had some time to relax in the car before work, did 10 hours of fun stuff (that i get PAID for), picked dad up from work, walked the dogs, showered, ate dinner with max, tidied the trailer a little, washed my work clothes, had sex, and still slept just fine. Thats the amount of action a person like me needs in a day to thrive.

I dont have to have any kind of rules or regulations. I dont have to be my own boss, i dont have to justify my existance. I just have to do what i love and take care of myself. One more early morning this week and then i get to sleep in.

[justadreamjournal]

Never felt just like this before

Never held it in my hands and known just what I'm supposed to do

Seems like im slipping into what I was made for

And it seems so damn familiar but all the while brand new

[justadreamjournal]

Pesticides down at the riverside,

Forbiden fruit for a girl like you.

Look down and sigh, try not to cry,

Tried and true for a boy like you.

[justadreamjournal]

Fri. Great therapy session+hangw/sage+dnd with TheBoys

Sat. Puscifer/APC/Primus(tool) with Zach

Sun. Lovely day out with max

Mon. First day at the job

Tues. 23rd birthday!!! <fullmoon>

[justadreamjournal]

Work play hard hard 🧡

[justadreamjournal]

[justadreamjournal]

His first little tag 😭🥰 ●TURO●

[justadreamjournal]

The first day of the rest of my life.

Water

Lunch, snack

Wallet, keys, phone, charger

Arm sleeve just in case

Sunscreen, chapstick

Meds

Coffee

Knife

[justadreamjournal]

I dont know what to make of it. I cant quite put a label on it.

I dont know who i am today and i dont know where im going.

I dont know what it is i want, i dont know what i need.

Im scared to look into my eyes, im scared of who i could be.

Im changing oh so frequently, and staying just the same.

I dont know what parts of me are real or fake, i dont know whats at stake

I dont take part in sharing cause i dont know whos to blame

I know so little, i feel so blind, its hard to get a grip.

But i know that im worth it all and i know how not to slip.

[justadreamjournal]

It's me on the other side, it's me within my shadow.

It's me who turns toward the light and me who wants to wallow.

It's my hand holding on so tight, and my hand which lets go.

It's me who sings into the night, and me that dances slow.

[justadreamjournal]

You've finally done it! You put the pieces back together.

You're recognize yourself, you see you've gotten better.

The mask is in the closet, with all the other keepsakes. Not with those you cherish, but with the reminders of the mistakes.

Unlock the truth thats already upon you. Here you are and here you'll stay, to see what this will come to.

You've gone and done it again. You broke another mirror.

All these shattered pieces, do they make the picture clearer?

The mask falls down, the bandages come undone. You are who you are when all is said and done.

You locked yourself away and prayed the truth would never find you. But here you and here you'll stay, to see what this has come to.

[justadreamjournal]

Lol nvm things are fine