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jtwentyseven · 10 days

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Denial Diary - Part 1

At the beginning of January, Monsieur and I put new rules into place to increase my sexual arousal and his sexual control and ownership over me. So far this month I have had four orgasms (one during masturbation) with 20 days as my longest stretch of denial. I have touched myself nearly every day. I haven't experienced issues with depression or drop in sex drive like I've struggled with in the past.

But I have noticed some other interesting changes in both our dynamic and my own sexual desires. That's why I decided to keep a diary of my observations and feelings. What follows is a summary of our rule changes and entries I've written over the last month.

How the Rules Changed in January

The rules suspended limitations on how long Monsieur could go without giving me a full (unruined) orgasm and how long he could go without vaginal sex.

The rules created a requirement that I have to ask permission to orgasm during masturbation, which I did not have to do previously. While I am allowed three orgasms without permission (a "release valve" if it got to be too much), I have not used any.

I must spend at least 15 minutes each day sexually touching myself, with edging as the default.

All solo orgasms require some kind of anal stimulation (dildo, plug, etc.).

Every day Monsieur works, I must spend at least two hours plugged.

3 days since last orgasm (last orgasm: Dec 31) I'm finding it hard to sleep, and it's very hard not to orgasm during sex. But I'm feeling extra sweet and submissive, wanting to do extra things for him. We are extra loving, like the newlywed stereotype. We snuggle and kiss more. When I know I'm not going to cum, I feel more pleasure from his orgasm. I watch his face and body and just soak in everything about it.

5 days since last orgasm I look forward to my touch time now. It's almost meditative. It's really hard to stop though. Today he was home during my touch time, and I was a bit annoyed that he wanted to do sex things. I think it's because of the shift in headspace—from low-processing, quiet-brain edging to high-processing, active sexual service. I wanted him to come use me, but then I struggled with the shift.

6 days since last orgasm / orgasm day (Jan 6) He made me cum tonight while he fucked my ass. I thought I’d be emotional or sad or something, just from the overwhelming sensations and the loss of denial. But I wasn’t. It just felt like it was his choice to make. Not mine. Sometimes I cum. Sometimes I don’t. No need for me to feel one way or another about it.

1 day since last orgasm I'm surprised to see how horny I still am. I woke up eager for sex. He denied me multiple times this morning. When I got close, he would pull out and run his hands lightly over my body, waiting for me to settle. It brings such calm to me when he does that. It’s like I can feel him soaking in the energy of my denial. When he re-enters me, I feel soft and open and accepting. In some ways, it’s easier not to cum after he’s done that because my mind is more submissive. But then it doesn't take much before I am impossibly close again.

I am trying to get better about taking it and not cumming no matter what, so he can fuck me as hard as he wants without worrying about denying me. But I don’t know if that’s desirable? Maybe he wants me to still be unable to keep from tipping over unless he stops me. Not sure.

I've also started craving more pain. Today while I was edging my ass, he put Bengay on my clit and pussy lips. It burned. So much pain at first. But then I was humping the air, not sure how to handle so much stimulation. It felt better when he rubbed and then went back to pain when he stopped.

2 days since last orgasm Now when he's fucking me, he's started just repeating, "You do not cum. I cum, you do not cum." And then I don't. I'm not sure I want to anymore. I feel more special in some way, being his denied girl.

After he came in my pussy this morning, I cleaned his cock. The more I'm denied, the more I want to worship his cock. I want to hold it and kiss it and keep it in my mouth. Even when I kneel in the morning and before bed, I want to kiss it and feel his cock and balls against my face. It just feels right.

4 days since last orgasm He woke me up this morning with denial. There’s this strange duality now where I am so desperate to orgasm but also accept that I won’t. I feel more docile and obedient when he denies me. But sometimes during my touch time, I am so, so tempted to let myself go over the edge.

I’m also more turned on now when he touches my asshole. I had one day where I didn’t wear a plug for digestive reasons, and I missed it. And that night when his fingers grazed over my asshole, my arousal skyrocketed. I wanted him to fuck me there so badly. Yesterday I hoped he would unplug me and use my ass. This morning he grazed his fingers over my hole and told me how he couldn’t wait to fuck me there. And I really, really can’t wait either. Part of me hopes he’ll let me cum while he uses my ass. But part of me hopes he doesn’t.

I fantasize now that when he does let me cum, he ruins me. Badly.

6 days since last orgasm I am so easily distracted at work. I just want to keep edging. Or if I can’t edge, I want to fill my ass and clamp my nipples. When I know he’s coming home from work, all I can think about are his hands on me. I will need to get it under control so my work doesn’t suffer. But it’s so hard…

He lets me edge with his cock sometimes. I ride him until I get so, so close and have to lift myself off him. It’s like my body is fighting itself. The stronger part of me is resolute in pulling off his cock so I don’t cum. But there are ripples. Waves. A restrained part of me is still humping the air, looking for what was taken away.

7 days since last orgasm Edging is making me a pain slut. I tortured my nipples all day today, alternating between suction and clamps. And I wanted so, so much more. I keep thinking about him bruising me. Clamping my tits. Using Bengay or worse things to make me suffer. Hitting all the places I hate—my thighs, my pussy, my tits. I want to be really, really beaten.

He asked if I thought my body was just searching for some kind of release. I’m not sure. I think part of it is that I feel his ownership more strongly. Part is that the constant arousal makes it easier to take pain. Part is probably the amount of porn I’ve been consuming. All I know is I want it.

Now before we go to bed, he spends some time just pinching and rubbing my nipples. They are so sensitive now, but I want more.

8 days since last orgasm It’s getting easier not to cum during sex. He tells me I don’t cum, and then I don’t. I sort of dissociate from the stimulation a bit. That layer of mental separation feels like the only thing keeping me from orgasm.

During masturbation, it’s still really hard. I think because I control the stimulation, so I have to think about how good it feels and whether I need to stop myself. So I’m always very aware of the orgasm I could have in a matter of seconds if I just kept going…and then I stop. With sex, it’s easier just to accept that I won’t cum and then let my mind remain unfocused.

I’m a little worried that I won’t be able to cum when he decides to let me—at least during sex. If I keep my mind unfocused like this, I don’t let myself get too close. What if I build a mental block and then I can’t anymore?

Anytime I'm near him, I am thinking about his cock. This morning I woke up to him pushing his cock into my ass. He fucked me until he came, and then he plugged me. I will take his sexual touching any way I can get it now, but I crave anal so much. I find it hard to understand all those times when I found it intrusive or uncomfortable. It feels so natural now.

9 days since last orgasm Today after some hard edges and a brief impact session, I felt some sadness creeping in. Like a bit of the apathy that depression brings sometimes. It took me a while to come down from the edging. I couldn’t stop touching myself, running my fingers through his cum dripping out of me. But then when I did—when I finally came down, I just felt kind of…sad. The sadness hung around for part of the day. Maybe it was the combination of the impact and denial that made me drop a little. Maybe it’s starting to get to me. I’m not sure.

If he asked me, I still wouldn’t want him to let me cum. But I don’t choose.

I do wonder if he’s going to get bored of my constant neediness. His horniness tends to dissipate once he cums. And he cums every day now, sometimes multiple times. Right now it’s a novelty to fuck me so much. But what if he gets less horny overall because he’s so satisfied, and then he doesn’t really want to fuck or edge me? His attention to and appreciation of my denial is so important to me feeling connected and loved. What if he gets tired of it?

10 days since last orgasm This may be the longest I’ve ever gone without an orgasm, outside of illness or pregnancy or postpartum. It is almost definitely the longest I have been denied when I actually wanted an orgasm.

I felt that pleasant glowing buzz from edging this morning. It makes me feel like yesterday was just a version of drop.

I am obsessed with his balls now. I’ve never really felt one way or another about them before. But now I want to hold them and lick them and feel them against my face all the time. I want to curl up between his legs and cuddle with his cock and balls covering my face and nose. I want to give them little kisses every morning when I kneel and just inhale the scent of him. I want to hold his balls in my mouth and run my tongue over them, just keeping them warm. It’s a very primal urge.

I’m also obsessed with his cum. Last night he came on my chest, and I wanted to massage it into my breasts and play with my cum-covered nipples. So many sensations that I've never appreciated before.

13 days since last orgasm I am feeling more little now. Soft and needy and willing to follow anything he says. When he was fucking me earlier, I felt so wide-eyed and innocent. Docile and compliant. He tells me I don't need orgasms anymore, and I believe him. I would do anything to be his good girl. And when he edges me, I want to curl into him, resting my head against him. I feel fully open to my neediness now. He tells me it's freeing me to be my true self, and there's no need to be ashamed or hide that. And all of that makes me feel little. Fully trusting my Daddy to know what's best for me, and being completely unselfconscious in doing whatever feels good.

I’ve also been listening to more mind control conditioning audios, usually while I edge. Sometimes I listen while I run. They feel comforting, allowing me to maintain that buzz of arousal and reinforcing how good it is to be needy and obedient. Good girls exist for the pleasure of others. Good girls can't stop touching. Good girls like to play and obey. Just a mindless, dripping slut. When I listen, I can picture his face—the way he absorbs my need and denial, how he looks at me like I am so beautiful. I want to please him. The files I like best have girls repeating these mantras, and you can hear their needy moans in the background. I am one of those girls. I can feel it in the way my body reacts to listening.

17 days since last orgasm I think about his cock all the time. All the time. When I’m working, I’m thinking about his cock. When we’re watching a movie, I’m thinking about his cock. When we’re talking about politics, I’m thinking about his cock. I can’t get it out of my mind. I’m thinking about the soft skin against my face and lips. I’m thinking about how he feels in my ass. I’m thinking about the way he moans when he cums. I’m obsessed. Even right after he fucks me, I want my hand on his cock. Just to feel close to it. I’m sad now if I don’t get to make him cum.

It’s hard to want to do anything but edge and fuck. I don’t even want to work out because I’d rather be edging. When I do work out, I wear a flexible plug for a little extra stimulation. It’s getting distracting at work, too.

20 days since last orgasm Today I really, really wanted to cum. I had new toys and the time for a long edging session, and I almost asked to cum. It really surprised me since I’ve been really immersed in denial. But the need was just different today.

21 days since last orgasm / orgasm day (Jan 26) He made me cum twice today during anal. It’s his choice if I cum, not mine. And he wanted me to, so I did. The relief of not having to hold back was so strong that I just went limp there for a bit. Then at bedtime, he touched me again, and I was surprised to still find myself so needy. It was a relief. I do wonder if anal doesn't quite "scratch the itch", even if I do orgasm. I seem to remember it felt that way during the anal-only period at the beginning of our relationship.

Another orgasm day (Jan 27) He allowed me an orgasm during masturbation today. After nearly a month without making myself cum, it was honestly amazing. I could feel the rush of chemicals flooding my brain. I couldn’t feel my face for a bit and almost passed out with the dildo still in my ass.

It surprised me that I asked for an orgasm, especially after having two during sex yesterday. But I think it's two things: 1) orgasms during masturbation are just a different kind of need, and 2) I am close to starting my period. I am usually hornier at this point of my cycle, so I'm sure that makes denial much harder.

After my solo orgasm, I noticed I wasn’t thinking about his cock constantly. I wasn’t daydreaming about the feel of it inside me, about the privilege of just being allowed to hold it. Last night when he began touching me, I wasn’t immediately wet and on the edge anymore. I wanted sex, but I wasn’t desperate for it. And while the sex felt great, it wasn’t quite so hard to hold off.

Realizing this, my immediate thought was that I shouldn’t make myself cum anymore. But Monsieur reminded me that I do need it every once in a while. And he reminded me that he wants me to cum. He likes making me cum. He just wants me to really appreciate the gift of it. And I really, really do now.

At the same time, I am eager to get back to the needy, denied girl I was before this. I’m eager to feel that constant desire for him—that docile, submissive glow, looking at him with complete adoration. I know I will cum again, both with him and on my own. But I don't want to ask for it until I feel like I truly need it. Because I’d rather feel his ownership than my orgasm. It’s that simple.

2 days since last orgasm After a lot of edging yesterday, I feel like I’m right back to being needy. It feels good. I’m very eager to please him, even if it means doing the things that I really don’t like. This morning he had me fuck myself on his toe. He knows I hate feet. But it wasn't about my pleasure; it was about his. It didn't feel good (or bad), but it didn't matter because that's not what it was for.

And then when he came, I watched the explosion of pleasure on his face, the way he gasped and the way his fingernails dug into my thighs as he pulled me to him... And I felt content.

#cherishedproperty #long term denial #long term female orgasm denial #edging #orgasm control

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