jj30ngk

[jj30ngk]

Letting Go

I have decided to let go of my friendship with the closest person ive been with since i entered college. it has been 4 days since she stopped talking to me. and during this time, ive reflected on what kind of person she is. yes, she is fun and funny. super hilarious. life of the party type of person.

but she talks badly about people behind their backs. uses things like secrets against people who have turned their backs on her. talks badly to her mom. has commitment issues and has a really bad lifestyle.

to me, this is toxic. she is such a manipulative person who will make you feel like shit even though its not your fault. she creates problems where problems shouldnt even be created if ONLY they were talked about.

there have been so many times when she makes horrible assumptions about me, and instead of asking me personally, she talks crap to me about other people and just vents to EVERYONE. in a way, i understand that, asking someone else for advice. but this should only be done when you have the facts., not assumptions. because then other people will have ugly opinions on you because someone decided to open their mouth about someone else's business.

communication in relationships (of any kind) is the most important value for me. and i know how she is, thats why i always say "if it has to do with me, tell (ask) ME about it first. that way we can talk it out and i can answer any questions you have, truthfully" but that obviously never happens.

it got to a point where i realized that no matter how nice i am, no matter how hard i try to keep the friendship, theres always something. and i honestly dont want to live with that toxicity in my life.

i do not want a friend who is immature, acts like a high schooler, rude, petty, rude to her mother, and just straight up manipulative.

i want her friendship, i really do. knowing that she considered me one of her closest friends, with her being so popular, made me feel good. but i always felt left out whenever i was with them. like if i didnt belong.

ive always told myself that maybe i was born to be alone, my whole life. i want her friendship, but i dont need it. i care about her, and i pray that she finds love for herself, to be a better person. but regardless of whether she is in my life or not, i know that i'll be okay. life goes on, and something better will come my way.

#friendship #life goes on

[jj30ngk]

feeling sad (jan.24.24)

for the past few days, ive been feeling kind of out of it. like i have no motivation for anything. i just feel sad. i want to blame pms. and if it is pms' fault. ill be glad because this "sadness" would just be temporary; but also upset me cause it made me feel this sad.

but anyway. today i signed the contract with utep about the dance piece for neri. i hesitated when i signed, because i really dont like where the dance is at. it looks ugly and she keeps critiquing me to the point where i dont think im good enough. and it sucks.

this wouldve been my debut as an official utep dance student. i dont know. maybe i should just work harder. but im dreading our first rehearsal after one month. but i will continue to work hard.

#pms

[jj30ngk]

last night before school

it's 10:30 pm right now. i should be drinking tea and reading a good book and/or meditating. but what am i doing? eating a chicken sandwich from burger king and writing on tumblr haha. never said either was bad, but right now, i wish i wasnt doing this. i fell behind on my night schedule, very very behind. but i keep telling myself that its okay. im okay. im stressing out bad. it shouldnt have gone like this. i shouldve been on time and relaxing. but life chose for this to happen so its happening. the good thing is that for the most part, everything did go right today. i dont have my backpack ready, a proper thought out outfit or a great sleep schedule going on right now. but at least my legs are shaven and my toe nails are painted lol.

goodnight. to a good first day!!

(it feels like im starting college all over again)

#first day of school #college

[jj30ngk]

how to make and keep friends??

when i went into college, i made a few acquaintances, but i mostly hang out with david. and then my second semester, i made so many new friends, including my favorite people, celeste and ashley. but of course, as soon as i make new BEST friends, i lose them just as fast. and i dont want to blame p. because i also wanted to keep whatever we had for as long as possible.

but i also noticed, when i do make a new friend or friends, i tend to only stick with one person. like right now, i would consider ashley to be my closest friend, even though shes literally so popular and has hundreds of friends. sometimes i feel like a loser. and im not as close to celeste as i would like to be. she's awesome, but we sometimes dont "click".

and now that i dont have p. im scared that i will feel even lonelier. because ashley had her own best friends too and she wont be with me forever, even though we named each other and celeste as the best trio.

but then at the same time, now i have more time to reconnect with ashley and celeste and maybe even new students. regain the time i lost with them. whatever happens, i'll make sure not to mess things up with her or anyone else. i have learned my lesson, and i dont want to lose them.

[jj30ngk]

back to school nervessss

i wanted to write about this yesterday, but i reallyyy wanted to finish "maybe someday". and i did! 10/10 book.

okay anyway, yesterday was a little "bump in the road". i cried and cried over how nervous i was about going back to school. because after what happened this summer, i was scared to leave home. i was scared to leave my safe space and the comfort of my room.

today, i had a better day. i even planned out my morning schedule and how i would even out my times. like what time i should be doing my makeup, what time i should be packing my bag and leaving my house. etc. and i got back to being all excited again. and school starts in less than 3 weeks!!

in a way, i want to stop thinking about it and focus on the time i have left this summer, from my break. but then... i also want to just get back to dancing and being with my friends... and i know that it might be like last semester. where its a bit hard to get adjusted but in the end, itll be so fun that i wont even want to go home.

im being a little impatient. i always have been. i just hope and pray that this semester is good to me like how it has been these past few semesters.

#back to school #college #university

[jj30ngk]

day 77/77.

the wait is over. 

and you might think “omg he finally came back, you saw him??” and the answer is no. its almost the complete opposite. its like if he went further away, like of i lost him more than i already have. maybe even forever this time.

on july 31st. i saw a photo of him holding someone elses hand. on a date with someone. 

i cant even explain the feeling i got the second i saw that photo. its like my heart dropped. it started beating so fast, i started crying almost immediately. 

but the thing is, i cant even be mad. i defenitly feel disappointed, upset (?). but i cant. we were both single. we are single. i kissed two different people, because i just wanted to forget about him. but the craziest thing? its that the girl that he was with, was a name that came up on his phone a lot. one time this person was spam calling him, and he said it was his brother. 

and the weeks before he left, he was calling her to ask about his visa. and i feel stupid for not knowing, because i was so blinded, because i trusted him that i actually didnt even care that he talked to other girls, because his love felt real. i dont even know if i should call it love, but whatever feelings he showed me during those 40ish days, felt real. 

i wasnt even planning on watching the instagram stories. i even told myself “no phones one hour before bedtime” because i havent been getting the best sleep. but a part of me told me to look, because it wouldnt hurt, right?,,, well here we are. 

now, i felt sad. i cried, i shook, i had my little anxiety moment, and i vented to my best friend. but in the end, nothing even matters, because we arent together anymore. and what we had wont ever work out. 

i actually even felt happy this morning. i was smiling and singing along to music. because i actually felt free in a way. i feel like if i finally was able to let go of that hope that he gave me for almost two months. 

no more waiting. no more hoping. now we actually know we can move on without feeling bad or missing him. and as much as i hide it or feel happy, a part of me admits to hurting. because he was able to move on so fast. i dont know if this is a distraction, or a reconciliation, it seems like that though since they were in contact when we were together. 

the second i saw that photo, i also started to regret everything, questioning everything i put myself through. the countless blogs i wrote about him, the days i talked about him on my snapchat memories, the clothes i saved in bags so that i could conserve his scent. the flowers he gave me, dried but still in the vase... it like i spent months just counting the days till he came back, for nothing... so in a way, i would like to think that i was meant to see that photo.

i also had the urge to block him, everywhere, delete everything. and i did, i deleted every photo, i privated the playlist i made him and i blocked him from seeing my stories. i didnt completey block him, because he also doesnt know that i know. 

but anyway. the end. the wait is over. im free to continue my healing process. it does feel like if im starting from zero. also today marks 4 weeks no contact. but i am so upset and disappointed. what do i even tell him when he tells me hes back? i cant tell him i saw that photo, because i wasnt even supposed to know his friends accounts anyway. 

but as much as i know now, i dont think i will be going back with him.

goodbye, p.

[jj30ngk]

day 71/?

for the past few days ive been contemplating on whether or not i should go back to him when he comes back. we agreed to just be friends, even though deep down we didnt want to. but its been 23 days no contact. 

it makes me think “does he even miss me? wonder what im doing?” it’s like one random day, he’ll text me telling me hes here, i wonder how i’ll feel then. its more than a month away. will he just be expecting me to be there for him? after not even asking how i am for over two months? 

this is me questioning everything. questioning how he feels about me right now. i wouldnt even be surprised if he has already fallen out of love. what if he never did? 

i tell myself to have dignity and not to go back, my ego is bigger than anything. i dont need him anymore. but do i? am i in denial? i have to put myself first. 

when he tells me he’s here, im not going to run to him. im going to try and wait a few days, get my thoughts together and see how im going to deal with things. i should probably be doing that now, but i need to know how he feels about me first, talk to him first before i go on with my decision. 

[jj30ngk]

day 64/?

i keep wondering when i will get over you. it’s been 64 days since i last saw your face, felt your touch and felt your love towards me. it been 15 days since we have spoken. and i am heartbroken. 

i wish i could get rid of this hope that keeps me tangled. tangled in the never-ending love i feel towards you. i have tried to move on, and so far i want to say im doing a good job, but all i do is compare that new person to you, and in a way, i cant feel anything towards them. because all i want is you. i just want it to be you. this is just a distraction, and i feel horrible using that person. i just need to move on. i dont want to forget about you. i would like to keep you in my memory forever...

but i want to forget how i feel about you. in a way, i never want to see you again, so that i could actually move on and let go of that hope you gave me once and for all, but i also want to see you again, just once. one more kiss, one more hug, one more conversation that we have about how we feel about each other before we say goodbye for good. because i know that this will definitely not be forever. i have actually accepted that now. as much as i want it to be, it cant happen. it crushes my soul in ways you dont realize. and i believe i never got the closure i needed.

because you left, and all i can think about is the day you will come back. you told me to move on. “it is what it is”. and i hate that youve already accepted it way earlier than i did. you accepted it when we were still together. and that breaks me even more, knowing that you didnt feel as sad as me. and i know you wont drop everything for me. i know you wont move to this small city for me. and i wouldnt ask that of you. you have huge plans for your life. you dont belong here, you belong in a place like new york. making bigggg moneys. 

it is hard for me to accept. i actually thought i had accepted it a few weeks ago, but for some reason everything just came crashing down on me all over again. i missed you like a crazy person. and i still do. i just hope i dont regret missing you and waiting for you so much. 

#firstlove

[jj30ngk]

a bad week doesnt mean a bad life (?)

#quote

[jj30ngk]

first mental health evaluation nerves

why does the medical center have to be almost 17 miles away? im going crazy. im having a breakdown these past two days and even now just thinking about the ride over there. i am terrified. i dont want to go with my dad. he is always so impatient and will yell at me for anything. i want to tell my mom to go with me. but she has work and shes already made changes before for me. i feel so guilty. i just want this to end. 

#mental health sucks

[jj30ngk]

a bad day does not mean a bad life.

#writing #life

[jj30ngk]

july 12, 2023

dear tumblr, myself, you, whatever. i am so tired. i am so sad. i feel so miserable in my life right now. and i know that i am the only one who can change that, but how? if i could go out and meet people or do fun things everyday, i would. i take walks, i journal and i let all my emotions out, whether it be on paper, crying it out, or talking to someone. i know how it feels like to just hold it in. 

i know it starts with me. and im willing to change, try and be happier. but why does it feel so hard? i am doing things i like. i am not in a household where i am not supported. so why? why does it feel like if the universe is going against me?

i wish i could go back to the times when i was able to manaje all this. and i will soon, but i have to start now. and this friday will be a new chapter and another new beginning. hoping for the best. 

[jj30ngk]

miserableeeeee

i hate my life right now and if i could do something to make it better i would. im going through day by day feeling so miserable and i just want to go back to school. see my friends, drive while listening to music, dance. and just fix things that i didnt get a chance to fix last semester. be a better person and really get out there.. the feeling of guilt overwhelms me and i just want to get out of here. i need to go for a walk lol. 

july.11.2023.

11:40am

[jj30ngk]

a little post

its 10:02pm and im eating cereal. my throat feels hot and like its tightening and squeezing. my cramps are coming back. i actually dont know if they are cramps or if i just have to use the bathroom. point is, i dont feel completely normal and i hate it. 

I was watching twilight; breaking dawn part one just now (favorite movie), and not even 2 minutes into the movie i had to pause it to take a breather, focus on something else. which is how i made it onto here, and its kind of working, helping with the anxiety, but my throat wont stop. i feel okay for the most part though, feeling a little over exaggerating. 

i just cant wait to drink my tea and get this all over with. i want to sleep. i love sleeping. and dreaming. 

emetophobia is controlling my life!!!

#emetophobia

[jj30ngk]

a letter i will never send (P ver.)

P, i just wish i could express how much i love you. i miss you so much and my heart hurts every time i remember how we cant be together. you were the first person who made me feel wanted and accepted. you were my first love. a day doesnt go by when i dont remember the beautiful memories we made. i cherish them in my heart forever. i hate that something like this had to come between us. but its just something we cant change even if we wanted to. and thats what i hate about fate. i promise that when you come back, i will make sure to make it all worth it. right now you are on a flight to seoul, and i know youre tired, its a 15 hour flight and im probably the last thing on your mind. but its the opposite for me. for the past two weeks, ive been thinking about you non stop. the no contact wasnt terrible, it was something i was able to manage, but the fact that you didnt reach out to me was killing me. becasue i would do anything to just feel your embrace. your kiss and your touch. i just miss you so so much. and i wish i could tell you every day without feeling guilty about it. because i know you want me to move on, i know you want me to find someone else. but how can i? when youre all ive ever wanted in a person. everything i needed and didnt know i was missing in my life.  

i never cry easily. but i remembered the first time i cried in front of you. it was april 22nd and we had just gotten back from western playland. i was laying down with my head on your lap and music was playing in the background. you were playing with my hair and caressing my face. i kept staring at you because you were looking so handsome. and then i realized “a few weeks from now, i’ll never have him like this ever again, it’ll all be over” and i started to cry. from then on, i cried almost every time i saw you, because i knew it was inevitable. i dont know how you didnt get tired of me crying. 

i realized that i cried of sadness, because this, whatever i had with you, was all i ever wanted. it felt free and like we were in control of our own lives. and i only had this feeling for 43 days. not even two full months. how can a feeling so happy not last forever ? 

in a way, i wanted to tell myself that this was another lesson sent from the universe. a lesson telling how real love feels like. but how can this be a lesson? if it was all destined to happen in just that month, how will it be in september when you come back? will things change? will we become closer? further apart? if im being honest, im all for whatever happens. i just want to see you again. one more time so that i could get that closure. seeing you is all i want this very moment. and i hope you feel the same. these next few months will be very hard for us to communicate, but i promise that i will continue to miss you and think about you everyday. 

until then, p. i love you. 

[jj30ngk]

a letter i will never send (L ver.)

L, we got along so quickly, we understood each other immediately and we have a lot alike. we could text everyday, and it wouldnt feel like we were forced to. we talked comfortably and we had good conversations. you answered so fast and thats one thing that i loved about you. everyone waits like 15 minutes minimun to respond but you did it immediately, so our conversation flowed so much better. out of the months ive known you, ive only seen you in person 3 times. but its also something that we dont rush. its like if we dont need to see each other in person to feel connected in a way. i truly feel like if i can tell you about my worries or anything else and not feel like youre judging me. i really hope that we are able to see each other more often in person, but i just wanted to let you know that i really value your existence and appreciate you wholeheartedly.

[jj30ngk]

love

actual title: How love feels like from someone who just had their first love. 

love is a feeling that feels different to everyone. but i feel like if one thing that everyone will relate to is that, when youre in love with someone, that love feeling will pull out a completely different side of you that you never knew you had. you share fears and excitement. you think of them every day and wonder what they’re doing. you cant spend a few days away from them. you feel comfortable around them, like if they were your own family. you could stare at them for hours because of how imperfectly perfect they are. and youre able to see them in your future, being happy and pushing through any tough moments with ease, because you communicate what you feel with them easily, and they listen intently. to me, this is how love feels like.