jay-jue

[jay-jue]

friday july 14 2017 10;13AM 

I met this guy online. he is the best ever. he doesn’t believe it but i do and he gives me feelings i have not had in a while. he makes me laugh and smile so much. honestly i am so happy to have found him. he is so interesting and many things he does makes me so happyy and i love love love lovelove talkign to him i can’t get over it i’ve been a little too affectionate though i have my feelings overwhelm me and that scares him and it scares me and yesterday it got the best of me and i went kind of wild!!!!!!!! i totally regret it god it was so early in the mornning and i get weird at that time and i guess i got even weirder ugh i think i totally blew it omg i am so fucking humiliated ugh i have no idea what to do now because i still feel those SAME FEELINGS WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT 

what do i do? 

[jay-jue]

July 7, 2017 6:25 AM 

I’ve been awake forever and I was feeling kind of content until i rose to say goodbye to my mom and she said ‘so this is why you quit your job? to stay up all night and be awake during the day?” if - idk - but under differetn circumstanceds i would have cried and / or i wuld have yeled ate her. i was angry they that she thought of me like that and that she saw me as patehtic i wanted to tell her whatever i wasnted wanted to tell her off i was anger and sad but now im really sad because i am really sad my life is really sad the only social interactions that wouere . were cood good for me wee were from work and they only cheered me up for a wlite little while and i went mback to being weirdly nummb i havent taken my meds i in a fver y very long time and idk whats been going on with me i really feeel like im not even living lk like im not real its so weird and i can t even say how i feel about it because i dont feel !!!!!!!!! please help before i do have eventually a breakdonwn and really kill myself. i dont know what is going on with me now ithat i quit my job i have nothing and i thought it would be good but ---- to reflet on me and my thoughts and finally gain myself again cause i was overwhlemlemd with al l the social interaction i needed a liong break and now that i have it i don t have any feelings left right now i want to be sad to feel something to make myself feel something i want to cry i want ot cry so much so i can fhave something to write about to fel feel to experience i am njust so mnumb idk why to what to do with my life with myself im pathertic why am i even ehere i would want o to be happy but hthen i would get sad because there isnt anything happy in my life the life i whave rn is really sad and miserable like i wouldnt wish it upon aynbody

im ugly i have friends but i cant even talk to them because there isnt anyting to talk aotu about anymore i dont have a hamster anmroe anymore so i can t bond with her i fdont have a tlanetallent like drawing or singging or dancing or whatever or writing i suck i feel like doing makeup but i dont at the same time cause im tired and lazy and sad im a sad perons i dont even knwo what to do online and i used to 

this is really just like the time i lost interest in all my bhobbies and just got in the internet maybe this is alnother low for me just when i could nt make it any lower. maybe my nexxt low will be lssleeeping forever which i walmsot almost do already ebecause my dreams are far better than realisty becasuet ehy they are exciting 

my job would be ecxciting but i honestly just feel hpathetic there and stupid idk i fee l like i dont belong and will never belong and honestly it is bmuch better at school where i at least will get an education and can do snothing when there si is nothin to do unlike at work when there is nothing to do you have to distract yourself and sseeem busy cause tehen you will fet get talked to 

this really is seeming like i am a litlte bitch brat but idk wi think i really do need therapy again because i honestly dont know how to funciton anymore i hardly ever think i need to do anything becside eat and go to the toiltet adnd sleep 

and if i wer e left alone to fned for mysefl i would probably just disppoint everyone and be a watste of space caseu i will do nothign and bprobaly kill myself yo i am horrible

i litterally have nothin g to be sad about but here i am being miserable iwithout sleep and i really dont like myself i mean a few days ago i came up to think about how gorgeous i am and my body curves and lumps are gorgeous and beautliful and i tricked myseflf ror a for a good two minutes probably but boy when i thoguth that i ddi the most make ups i did since chisrstmat chirsmast and i still felt ugly as fuck and ugh i wasnted wanted to kill myself i stil l do but id ont awant to do the work i just want my life to end suddenly i usled to think i was clinically depressed but i am not i cry alot or at least i jused to not i cant even do anything its harder and harder to get out of me bed because i dont even want to i just want to sgo back to sleep and stay there forever in my fdreams and if i was living alone without needings to do any respond siblity i would sleep forever only to get up to seat a little and slgo to teh bathroom and i would just be miserable like that forever it would be kinda good because dmy dreams are pretty cool i havent have a nightmare in along time with ch is good 

i wish i didnt have such anxidety tand depresssion to make me quit work i cant believe it mebeat me i thougth i could stay at he job the whole summer and seniour year but here i am jobless i was fsoooooo forutunate enough to ge t the job becasue so many people allppply and here i am with the job handed to em and here i am rejecteing it just becasue of mental illnesss that i dont am not sure exists maybe im just laszy i hate mysefl so much for not being storong enough ot get back ot work i hate mysefl so much i hate myself so much i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate mysefl i hate msysle i hate mysefl fi hate myseflf i hate mysefl fso ssofosfjsofisdknfdsahviuana;reilhvaouvndjsasfj i want to die i want to kill mysefl.