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Guardian of Tomorrow
(( Independent AU Silver RP ))
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"Don't worry about it."
No matter how uncomfortable he was. No matter how sick he may have felt, he would have been there for support. When someone went into the hospital, you never knew whether or not they would be checking out. Sure, this wasn't a physical illness, or an injury, but a person could never be too careful.
It wasn't worth the risk of missing a chance to see someone who might have been gone later.
Hearing that was a bit of a relief. Silver didn’t say things like that unless he meant them. Her face softened as he said that and she nodded. “I hope so.” She said. Part of her was optimistic, but part of her wasn’t. This was, by far, the worst depressive state she had been in and it felt like she was digging herself in deeper and deeper.
”Well…I’ll grab my bags, then.” She only had a couple. They were filled with enough clothes to last a week, the blanket Silver had made her, and a few pens so she could write Maria. “Thank you, again.”
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"...No. I want to be there with you." There was no way anyone who was important was checking into any kind of hospital without him being there. That was a risk he just couldn't take. He would be there every single day without fail. That was a promise he didn't speak with words.
"And you'll be better when you get out." That was what he was focused on, and she hadn't even gone in yet.
“Thank you. That means a lot to me.” Blaze knew that Silver already dealt with hospitals so much and that it made him upset, so this was difficult. Biting her lip, she thought for a moment. “I can always just call you, if you’d rather me do that.” She said, just in case.
”Of course there is, otherwise I wouldn’t be going. I suppose we’ll see, though.”
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"I can do that. I'll make sure everyone else knows your visiting hours so they can come too." Honestly? He didn't want to go. At all. But if only for her, he would. He would push himself to do that. Others always came first, no matter what.
"I have a feeling you won't have a say in when you leave. Something's wrong with you, and they're gonna be able to tell."
“I would, if you don’t mind. I’ve already asked if I was allowed to bring someone to help me check in, and they said yes. Otherwise, visitation hours start at 4pm everyday. And there’s a time where I can use the phone for a short period of time, but I cannot recall when that is.” She told him.
“Because I’m going voluntarily, I can decide when I’m ready to leave unless the doctors have any major concerns. I don’t think they will, though.”
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"Do you want me to go with you, or?"
He wasn't entirely sure how this whole thing went. It wasn't a mental hospital he knew anything about. All he knew about those were the fact people were limited on what they could bring, as most things could present a hazard.
”I know I will. You’ve showed me that.” She didn’t cry. She refused to shed a single tear and somehow, she could fight it off this time. After a while, she let go of Silver and swallowed. It was hard to show any level of bravery right now.
”Other than buying some stationary, I’m all packed. They told me what I can and cannot bring already.”
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"You'll always have it."
That was a truth that would always be there. Rain or shine, broken or repaired, dark or light, he would always be there for anyone he cared about. If it meant his very death, he would have done anything for the safety of others. For the well being of everyone else. That was what he put above all else.
It was the first statement he spoke that held any emotion.
She didn’t know he was broken, too, but she knew something was wrong. Her need to protect everyone was strong, and knowing that she couldn’t protect Silver because he wouldn’t let her drove her mad. But that was his business — maybe he would come around.
“…Your support means the world to me, Silver.” She told him as her hands moved up and down his back. He might have been a bit cold right now, but she knew he cared and that’s all she really needed.
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He could still handle returning the gesture, but that's really all he did. He had no comforting words to give. No kind sentiments. Not right now. Not until he recovered. This had broken him. Not the kind of broken that meant losing it all over the place. A person would be ignorant to think there was only one definition to any sort of mental issue. One way everyone behaved.
For him, this was what broken meant.
The entire thing was messing with her in words she couldn’t describe. She felt completely weak, and while she learned that sometimes it was okay to be weak, it bothered her to no end. She wasn’t supposed to be weak; she wasn’t supposed to act this way. The only one who had told her that, though, was herself.
She came up to Silver and wrapped her arms around him. Forget his col demeanor — she didn’t care. She held on tightly. “I want to.” She said quietly as her head rested on his shoulder.
Every single one of her friends was too good for her.
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"Wouldn't have said 'don't worry about it' if I didn't forgive you."
Emotions having been cut off aside, he had already forgiven what had happened. He didn't have it in his heart to hold malice for someone who had good intentions behind their not so good behavior. Maybe that was a flaw on his own part. That he gave out forgiveness too easily, but it was something he believed in.
There was only a momentary eye ridge raise. "Sure, if you wanna." Definitely not his normal response, but he wasn't normal right now. He wasn't thinking much, if at all about his own words.
”So, you’ve forgiven me, then?”
If she learned anything from their fights, it was that she had no right to complain about how Silver chose to deal with his emotions. It drove her crazy, but who was she to critique it? It was one of those things, it seemed, that she would just have to learn to deal with. She shut down, too — but just not in the same way. It would be fine, in the long run. She loved him, so she’d look past it.
But she did still feel odd because of it. Not wanting to overstep any boundaries, she made a request. “— May I hug you, Silver?” She never requested that; she never had to. It was rare that she needed one, it was rare that she would accept one while this emotionally unstable and she never felt like she had to ask Silver. But she was paranoid now, about everything.
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"Don't worry about it." Such was the truth. When he was truly upset was when he didn't show emotion. That was when something was wrong. He wasn't going to be getting it back anytime soon. Simple statements like that was all she was going to be getting for a long while. This ran much deeper than anything else ever had, and that was why all emotion, feeling, and otherwise regular traits had been cut dead.
"It's in the past now. There's no point dwelling on it."
All his lack of emotion was doing was making her more stressed out. Maybe this was the better reaction, but Blaze couldn’t help but feel something was still terribly wrong. He always showed emotion unless he was completely upset. That’s what it seemed like since the prison incident, anyway.
“Thank you.” She said. “…Look, I’m sorry for how I behaved the other night. Whether or not I was correct at all, it doesn’t give me the right to act so immaturely. I, again, was thinking only of myself — and I am truly sorry.” Maybe that would help a little bit.
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All emotion had already been explicitly shut off. "Yeah, I can help out with that." A simple statement was all she was going to get. So many emotions involved with checking someone important into a hospital of any kind that he just turned off. He ran on basic function alone, nothing else.
…A little more emotion would be nice. But then again, maybe she was a hypocrite. “— I think it is. I can’t rule a dimension like this and I don’t want it to get worse. All it will do is cause more stress to myself and everyone around me. Would you be willing to help check me in?”
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"...If that's what you have to do."
”Boys? There’s no good way to handle this other than say it straight out — I’m going to be checking into a mental hospital for my depression and anxiety.”
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"And I'm saying I would always talk to you about everything." That was what was annoying him. She kept downplaying every single thing he did, whether she meant to or not. Acting as though he hadn't been doing his part when he had always gone above and beyond to make her happy. One time he chooses to keep something to himself and he's being harassed? With all the time she kept things to herself, how was that fair?
"I really wish you would stop saying that. We have never had a lack of communication. You're taking one instance and applying it to an entire year. That's. Not. Fair. Cut it out." The only thing stopping him from raising his voice was her obvious emotional distress. As badly as he wanted to shout, now just wasn't the time. It was important to consider the other person more than it was to consider yourself. "What does that have to do with anything? It wasn't even remotely in a public place. It was in a house with the three people you trust more than anyone else in the world.
And what does that have to do with anything, too? A rumor means nothing if there aren't facts to back it up. Your checkups prove we haven't been doing that, so the statement feels irrelevant to me." In his defense, he hadn't known that. He hadn't known Shadow had ever tried a relationship at all, and honestly, was more surprised that someone had wanted to try with such a grump.
Manually resisting raising his voice. Now more than ever, it was important to stay calm. If he didn't, neither of them would be that pillar of strength that was so obviously needed. "Maybe I should have just said I don't feel like talking, but it doesn't give you the right to trivialize every single thing I've ever done. If you're so appreciative, why are you throwing all of that out the window for this one moment? I've always just said 'I don't feel like talking', an I'm not gonna take any blame for that. If I wanna keep something to myself, I can keep it to myself, and I don't deserve to be guilted for it."
A heavy sigh. "You need to try and calm down. Try taking a deep breath in, and counting to ten, and then releasing slowly while counting to ten."
”That’s not what I was saying at all.” She wanted to puke. She found herself calculating how long it would take for her to get to the bathroom from here. How long until she couldn’t bare the pain in her stomach anymore. How long until she lost herself. She was sweating. She was feeling ill. This was the straw and it was trying to break her back. She couldn’t deal with the stress of them fighting — not on top of everything.
”I’m saying you don’t talk to me about hardly anything. I know I stink at showing it — and I’m trying so hard to be better about showing it —, but I am so appreciative of everything you’ve ever done for me. And the fact that you stick around even though I’m a pain in the neck. I’m not wanting you to be complex, Silver. In fact, if I had my way, both you and I would be extremely simple people and both our lives would be a hundred times easier — but that’s not the case and I know that’s not the case. You’re pretending.
“Silver — you said that you fake a smile at the hospital. There would be completely appropriate as your entire reason for being there is to help others. However, here, it is not. I don’t even mind if you don’t want to tell me something, in the long run. What really bothers me is the lack of communication all together.
“Instead of saying ‘Blaze, I’d rather not talk about it’ or 'Blaze, I'm not in the mood to play', you push things off. And you’re currently pushing this on to me. You’re completely misreading me and that’s exactly why we need to fix our communication.”
Now I don’t know if you could be happy with someone like me.
No — No. Stop. Stop putting this onto me. That’s not true. That’s not true.
“Silver — it’s not the reputation!” She yelled. She didn’t mean to yell, but she couldn’t stop herself then. Pain flew over her face; she couldn’t hold it in any longer. Taking a heavy, shaky deep breath, she began to talk again. “Public Displays of Affection make me uncomfortable for a number of reasons. They seems showy, first of all. Second of all, you know — you know how hard it is for me to display affection at all. It has nothing to do with you — it has everything to do with MY anxiety.
“The only time my reputation comes into affect is because I freaking get randomly checked to see if I have had sex with you. I go into the doctor every once in a while so the council can see whether or not I have had sex within the last 24 hours. I cannot afford a rumor of a scandal.
”None of it has to do with you. Most of it is my anxiety, Silver. I didn’t think it was appropriate to be flirting obnoxiously with you in someone else’s home. Shadow is STILL hurting over his break up. I can see it. So it also has to do with HIM and me trying to think of HIM.
” — I can’t believe you’d say that I can’t be happy with you. I cannot believe that. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t be fighting at all.”
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"Being aggressive is more than just some tone of voice. There's a difference between being blunt, and being mean. You're not saying things like they are, you're making me out to be a bad guy that I'm not. You're saying I never do anything, when I have always done everything I could for you."
He didn't soften until the apology. As far as he was concerned, he had nothing to apologize for. It was not a crime, nor a sin to keep something from someone if you didn't feel like talking about it. It didn't matter if it was your family, your best friend, or your significant other. A person was entitled to their privacy. He did nothing wrong, and that was why he wouldn't apologize for anything.
"There's not much more for you to know. I'm a simple guy. I live to make other people feel happy, that's what brings me happiness in return. So I guess I'm sorry I'm not as complex as you wish I was?" Playing victim, which unlike everything else, was wrong of him, not that he saw it at the moment. This was the part of himself hidden from everyone else. The flawed demon hiding behind the perfect angel.
"I forgive you, but now I don't know if you could be happy with someone like me. I can't be myself around you. Wouldn't wanna risk ruining your sparkling reputation. You say you don't feel ashamed of me, but that's only right now, when we're all alone. If we were somewhere else, surrounded by other people, you would do the same thing you did before."
“How am I being aggressive? I haven’t even raised my voice. I should be able to speak to you freely, don’t you think? I’m being blunt, but I’m not being aggressive. Unless I’m missing something, in which case, please tell me.” He didn’t want to open up, anyway. That was obvious.
A deeper, more emotional sigh left her lips. She didn’t express her feelings well at all. This was hard for her. She was fighting so much because all she wanted was as healthy a relationship as possible. That’s all she wanted.
” — I’m sorry.” She said. It was so hard to apologize when she wasn’t getting one back. Humbling herself took everything in her power. Her stomach was in knots because of it, but she knew that often times doing the right thing was harder than doing the wrong thing and getting angry.
”I worded that poorly and I am deeply sorry. I know your heart is deeply into your work with children. I know your naïve spirit comes from your want to make everyone happy. I know your parents meant the world to you. I know that you believe in many legends and that they also mean a lot to you. I know you’re extremely courageous and I know that everyone in your life comes before you do in your mind.
“I just wish I knew more.”
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"AAAAAAAAnnnddd now I don't feel like talking to you anymore. You have to go and be so aggressive about everything, and it doesn't make me wanna open up. It makes me wanna shut down."
Silver didn't handle aggression well. He had an intense need to make other people happy, it was where he found most of his self worth. To know he was failing only made him feel stupid, and unwanted.
"If you don't know anything about me on a deeper level, you haven't been paying attention. I may not have shown you lots of things but I have shown you things, and honestly you're the one hurting me by saying you don't know anything. It's like everything I've done is meaningless to you."
”Weird isn’t the word, Silver. You hurt me. And if I hurt you I need to know. I need to know if you feel like I’m ashamed of you. I need to know when you’re not consenting to flirtatious behavior. These are things I need to know.
”Tunnel vision?! Tell me you’re not serious. I still don’t know why you cried when I sang you that song almost a year ago. You don’t tell me about your days unless I basically pry it out of you. You don’t tell me why you’re feeling bad ever.
”I know nothing about you on a deep level. Nothing. I know a ton of things about you on the surface, but everything else? You’re like a stranger. And no, this isn’t entirely your fault. Half of it is mine because I’ve been a terrible, selfish partner without realizing it. But this is something I feel like we need to fix.”
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"I didn't feel like saying it at the time. I wanted a little while to clear my thoughts. I know it was weird. I won't do it again." If he had to cut out chunks of his personality to someone happy, he would have honestly done it.
Unfortunately for her, all her words did was make him want to close up further. "I don't talk to you about anything? I've talked to you with just about everything, I keep one thing to myself, and suddenly I don't talk to you about anything? What kinda tunnel vision are you looking through right now?"
”You licked my mouth. I’m not saying my reaction was appropriate — because it wasn’t — but you still licked me and caught me off guard completely.
”Then why didn’t you just say that, Silver? I was continuing to flirt and all you had to say was that you were no longer in the mood. Instead, you played it off as it was my fault somehow because ‘I didn’t want my reputation ruined’? Instead of just talking to me…you hurt me instead.
”…” She sighed. “I know this is probably partially my fault, but you don’t talk to me about anything.”
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"I wasn't upset with you. I was just thinking about something but that's done now. Don't worry about it. I was never upset with you. It just felt really weird for me after you yelled like that. I've never seen you raise your voice like that to me before, even when you were stressed out, and even when I did stupid stuff. So uh... yeah. That's why I felt weird and wanted to go to bed."
everynightiwilldream replied to your post: Too many things are weighing on my…
"Okay. We can talk about the thing now. You first."
There was so much she wanted — no, needed — to say. “You seemed upset that night. I’m not sure if you were upset with me, or upset with something else, but you were completely passive aggressive with me. I also got this sense that you were lying to me. If you are upset with me, all you have to do is tell me, Silver. We can talk things out.”
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"Of course it's okay with me." Dates were fun. You got to go out, sometimes in fancy clothes. There was usually food, and a relaxed atmosphere. Silver was a social butterfly by nature, it was something he always would be. A people person. Going out was one of his favorite things to do. Relaxing at home was nice, but Silver went stir crazy if he were forced to stay inside too long.
"We'll figure something out. We've got about a month left."
”Is that all right with you? Or would you rather not?” His answer seemed odd and now she was anxious. Everything he did tonight seemed odd and out of place. Blaze had a lot to express about that, but she didn’t know how to go about it. Mostly because she felt like it was her fault. Suddenly Silver seemed like a bit of a stranger, not someone she knew on an intimate level.
“Take your time, Silver. There’s no rush, of course.”
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