inmysoberera

[inmysoberera]

day 6

hey nonexistent friends.

so i'm on day 6 AF. which means alcohol free even though my brain says "as fuck" every time. and tbh i'm feeling pretty good at this point. my working saturday situation worked great for not drinking last night. also the heineken 0.0 is a god send, feels looks tastes the same. and since there's no alcohol i end up drinking like two and a half of them and then being like "ok i'm gonna take a shower and read a hundred pages and go to bed." yeah. seriously.

tonight i set it up so we're going to see a movie at 6 pm, which means we won't get out till 9 pm. which means i'll be past the "i should get drunk" danger zone. that's the hope. and if i'm all hopped up when i get home i'll have some NA beers and a little bit of nicotine and play pokemon and then i should be fine like i've been the rest of this week. the big struggle is gonna be TOMORROW night, after i've been not hungover and doing whatever i want all day long. i am GOING to want to drink. 100%. this is when my NEW ELLIPTICAL is going to come in so handy. j loaned me the money so i could get it asap, although i wish it was like. it would be there when i get home tonight. i just need a way to do some hard ass cardio whenever i feel the urge to drink because i KNOW that works. also when i'm having anxiety. and i can't just go outside and run cuz my body sucks, also it's dark when i get home.

oh!!!! also i slept amazing. like. no dreams. nothing. just to sleep and then woke up. super weird. apparently alcohol messes up your rem cycle even when you aren't actively drinking and since i haven't had alcohol in like a week my rem is coming back? idk that's what my app said. all i know is i didn't have any bad dreams. or any dreams. it was amazing.

kbye

#alcohol #AF #sobriety #sober

[inmysoberera]

A private blog? retro.

it seems like so many people have these sobriety blogs that they started when they started their journeys, or maybe just the people who succeeded and became spokespeople, I guess. Anyway I have a lot to say and I would just use my written journal but it doesn't keep up with my brain and I'm so out of practice writing things down that my stamina is really low and it irritates me. I don't want to have to stop writing when I'm on a roll. So all of these books I'm reading are basically by women who were like "I started writing this when I decided to get sober and then I just kept going and now you're reading it and it's a book." so I guess I'm doing that now.

I decided officially to try and stop drinking on 12/5 when I woke up. That puts me currently on day 3 without drinking. the night before, sunday night, I decided to drink a bunch of beers for basically no reason except for the fact that I didn't work until 11 am the next day, as I do, and something just clicked while I was drinking where I was like, yeah, I should really talk to someone about this. like an alcohol therapist. so I decided to tell my dad about it and he said he thought it was a good idea. I also talked to my brother, who hasn't had any alcohol for 25 days now, and he and I kind of just discussed like our feelings about alcohol and how it's so unhealthy the relationship we have with it, how we just spend all this time looking forward to any time we can manage getting drunk, going to work hungover, drinking multiple times a week now, drinking way too much each time. it had just gotten out of control for me. the main thing i wanted was to stop drinking so many times a week. so Monday morning I downloaded this app called reframe and I originally went with the "cut back" track, but then the more I read stuff and really thought about it, the more I was like hey, let's just try to quit. see how it goes. so I switched to the quitting track.

after that I kind of went down a rabbit hole. reading forums, checking out books about sobriety. and I've realized how much of a problem I really have, how much I see myself in other peoples' stories, and truly how hard it actually is to not drink. it's just such a habit for me. good day? want to drink to celebrate. and that would honestly be okay, except for the fact that every time I drink I have like 11 beers. which is way too much, like I'm getting shitfaced and basically passing out 3 times a week. even once a week, that's too much. if I could just have like a six pack once a week that would be one thing, and honestly maybe someday I WILL be able to do that! it's just not feasible for me right now. I have too much to work through. drinking brings up so much trauma and I use it way too much as a coping mechanism. and that's not even STARTING on the physical impact is has on me, because my body is already destroying itself. I really don't need to actively destroy it further with what is essentially poison being poured into my body in enormous amounts.

I still think it would probably be useful to go to therapy, but currently I'm trying out a bunch of different things. I also told my roommate/best friend. and she seems like she wants to help. I'm trying to come up with distractions/things I can do during triggering times, aka 5-8 PM-ish and nights before I don't have to work, like weekends or random days off. normally the whole point of those days for me is getting to get drunk, so I need something else to look forward to. last night I was struggling, so I got some NA beer and I did use a nicotine vape that I had, which isn't great but it helped a lot and got rid of the craving, the two of them together. my roommate also came down and hung out with me while I did Legos and stuff, so that was really helpful just to have company that would hold me accountable so I wouldn't order booze or anything. OH and I saw today that they sell Heineken 0.0 on GoPuff!!! which is like.. if god exists the dude is looking out for me there. if I'm having a huge craving I can order those and a vape and still feel like i'm doing something "rebellious" or whatever, still get a little bit of a buzz, but WITHOUT the endless guilt and anxiety of drinking. without saying or doing anything dumb, or worrying endlessly that i did or said something dumb even if i didn't.

anyway. i'm gonna post this on the off chance it develops an underground following or i meet my soulmate cuz that seems to happen sometimes and i've never let go of that wish.

remember when everyone thought justin bieber and taylor swift had a secret tumblr? yeah.

bye

#sobriety #recovery