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imvanspacifierr · 1 year

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homesick (van mccann)

🤍this is my first time writing a fic so bare that in mind haha, loosely based off homesick but i got quite carried away. it was only supposed to be 1K words max oops. let me know which song fic you want to see next or any ideas for them. feedback would be appreciated🤍

wattpad

word count: 8K

warnings: swearing, alcohol

Van had always been an “over protective boyfriend” from making you call him every time you get home after leaving his place even though you literally lived across the street or texting him that you’re home and alright after every shift at your work. Sometimes you thought it was a bit much but at the same time you were so lucky with how much he cares about you.When he was on tour... this wasn't the case. He would go days without talking to you because he was too busy. You were ecstatic the band finally started to get the recognition they deserved however, this also meant they had more dates on tour and they started to fly across the world for weeks on end. You were so proud of them but you never got to see Van or the other members anymore. You were basically the 5th member of the band alongside Larry, the 6 of you were inseparable but then life happened and you had to get a job which completely changed everything.

Once you were touring up and down the country with your best friends, cramped into a van, driving to cities you’ve never been to before and getting to see the love of your life bouncing around on stage for 2 hours a night while he pursued his dreams but now you’re stuck in a dead end job, pulling pints for lifeless people in a tiny town you’ve always wanted to get away from without the people you loved most.

It was understandable that you were jealous of how they’re going all around the world doing the thing they love most while you have to live a normal life. You knew you shouldn’t feel jealous but it was so hard to feel happy when you didn’t even feel included anymore.

You were snuggled up to Van on his sofa watching some shit afternoon gameshow because there was nothing good on the telly to watch, resting your head on his shoulder, barely keeping your eyes open when he told you the news, “Um... forgot to tell you... me and the lids are going to Australia tomorrow... and then straight to Japan... then to America but then back here” he stuttered the words out while stroking your hair. You stayed silent trying to process what he had just said. “Y/N... love, please don’t be too upset. I would have told you sooner but i didn’t want to ruin today and i only found out last minute, I swear.” His voice did that high pitched thing he does when he’s defensive and nervous towards the end, trying to explain why he’s just telling you the day before.

Lifting your head up off his shoulder while staring at the floor so you couldn’t see his face, you quietly said “for how long?” you looked up, met his gaze, and his face dropped. He broke eye contact immediately, started fidgeting with the sleeves of his soft black jumper and said “2 months” almost whispering. You could feel your eyes starting to overflow with tears. You didn’t dare look at him because it would just make it worse. It’ll remind you that you won’t be able to see his wonky teeth, crooked smile, beautiful blue eyes, long lashes, silky lips, the freckles scattered over his pale skin, his lanky frame dressed in scruffy colourless clothes.

You felt him move, sitting up next to you, draping his arm over your shoulder and pulling you into his side. He pressed a ghost-like kiss on your cheek and now he was resting his head on your tense shoulder for a bit before lifting it up, he could tell that you were struggling. You turned your head to say something and he had already been looking at you. Big mistake. You just broke down into tears.

This would be the longest they’ve been away from you since you had met them in your early teens.

You met Van and Larry when you were 12, you had just moved in opposite Van’s parent’s B&B and they offered to help bring boxes in and unpack with you and your parents since it was summer and it was the sticky kind of weather that really makes it hard to do anything productive in. After getting all the boxes in and unpacking a few they invited you all over for a cuppa in their garden. When you walked into their back garden there were two boys your age, Bernie called them over and introduced you to them. You were always quite shy but they just started talking to you like you had been hanging out with them all their life. The rest of the summer you spent it with Van and Larry, they showed you around the whole of the town, showed you their favourite places to go and they told you people to avoid at school.

When the summer was over, you started at their secondary school. They showed you to all your classes, even the ones they weren’t in, just so they could have an excuse to be late to their next lessons. Any classes you were in with either of them, they sat with you even if they had other friends in the class. Within a few weeks, you had met a few girl friends but they didn’t compare with the lads at all, they were all fake and didn’t really like each other and would bitch about anyone who wasn’t there. So you stayed with Van and Larry throughout your school years.

After 2 and a half years of living there, you started to like Van in a different way... you noticed your feelings change when he got his first girlfriend. Obviously there were rumours that you were with either Larry or Van but especially Van, because of how much you hung out and it’s known that if a girl and a boy are friends, people just presume that they’re together. You never heard the end of it from kids in school. Van didn’t care about the rumours, in fact he embraced them in a way.

If people were staring at us two he would put his arm around you or try and hold your hand just to wind you up because he knew how much you hated the rumours. Even your own mam and dad asked if you and van we’re seeing each other because every night after school he would come over to yours or you would go to his and listen to his vinyl and cds, same at your house. You loved the same music, from stereophonics to the strokes or arctic monkeys to oasis.

One particular night, you and Van were listening to the new Arctic Monkeys album “humbug” while lying on your bed. He mentioned that he had started seeing one of the girls from school, that was the moment you realised you loved Van. Your heart dropped. You just shrugged it off and picked up your guitar to try and play along to cornerstone while Van was trying to do an Alex Turner impression, which he failed miserably at.

The next week dragged in and you didn’t see van after school until Friday night when you got a text asking you to go to his. You were confused and a bit nervous, he said that he was going to his girlfriend’s house. Anyways, you wandered across the road and Mary opened the door and said, “Knew he’d get you to fix his broken heart” while smiling and she gave you a hug. You smiled to yourself while walking to his bedroom, he was sat on the floor next to his record player while it was spinning humbug by Arctic Monkeys like last week. You sat down next to him, resting your back against his bedroom wall as he told you about how she broke up with him because her friends thought she could “do better”.

This was the first time you had ever seen him like this, not with a cheeky grin on his face, he genuinely looked broken. He had his head in his hands, “Y/N, be honest, do you think I didn’t deserve her?” you were shocked, you never thought you’d hear van saying anything like this. He was known for being cocky and slightly narcissistic so seeing him like this was out of character. You tapped him on the shoulder so he would look up at you, his face was red and his hair messy. You hugged him and said, “No you didn’t deserve her, you deserve someone who actually likes you the way you are.” You then started making jokes about her and her mates to cheer him up, it worked.

The two of you were laughing all night about things, you ended up staying at his house that night. It was around 2am and you were still awake, just talking about random things until Van changed the conversation, “You know what you said earlier about how I deserve someone who genuinely likes me... I already know the perfect person” he was looking right into your eyes, you could feel the butterflies in your stomach rising. You just giggled and joked saying “Wow you move on quick McCann! Who is the lucky girl? “ you were hoping playing dumb would calm your nerves or change the whole conversation but he put his hand on your cheek and said, “She’s right here”.

You were burning up, you didn’t even know how to respond to it. You had no idea he felt the same way you did. He looked confused when you were just sat there gobsmacked, he moved his hand away and said “Well? Don’t leave me hanging Y/N, what do you say?” you were even more confused by that question, you looked at him finally and said “Wait what am I answering?” you knew what he was asking but you just wanted to make sure that this wasn’t just your imagination running wild. Van just started laughing “for fucks sake, i’ll spell it out. Will – you – be – my – girlfriend?” you couldn’t find the words, you just nodded and said “Yeah, go on then”. Before sharing the most awkward first kiss, when teeth collide. Ever since that moment, nearly 6 years ago, you and van have happily been together.

Not long after this, Van started a band. That’s when you met Benji, he started practicing bass and the rest of the band would rehearse nearly everyday in Van’s parent’s garage. You and Larry would watch and help out with restringing guitars when Van strummed too fast and you would try to tune the guitars like how your dad showed you. You and Benji would play video games while Larry and Van argued about what we should order to eat or what songs should make the setlist at a pub where 4 people had bought tickets.

After only a few weeks of touring throughout the country, even going hours away to scotland, a new drummer joined. That’s when you met Bob, he was nothing like the others. While they were loud and full of life, he was shy and quite reserved. You and Bob quickly became close, you were both very awkward which made trying to talk to each other very tricky but it was amusing to the others. However, you both quickly became good friends after a few days despite that.

The band started getting booked for festivals up and down the country, even some in other parts of Europe and a very small leg of an American festival run! You travelled with them as a roadie but you knew deep down, unlike Larry, you weren’t going to stay a part of the team because you didn’t really do that much technical work, you were more like a pa to everyone else. After this you had to step back from the roadie role, everyone was gutted and Van tried to make you stay but you needed a stable job to help your parents pay the bills.

This year welcomed a new guitarist to the band, Johnny Bond. He’s one of the funniest people you’ve ever met and it felt like he had been in the band since the start. That summer you spent it like the old times, in Van’s parent’s garage. You and Larry watched as they played songs Van had written years ago but now they had a new life and meaning. You never wanted them 2 weeks to end because that would be your last time with the band for a month. Unfortunately they flew by, each day would end in drunken story telling and reflecting on some of the worst yet hilarious stories of being on tour.

That month they were away was one of the worst times of your life, your job was driving you mad since your boss constantly put you on shifts because "you have nothing else better to do". You would have given anything to just be able to walk to Van's and listen to him tell you that it's all going to be fine or how he's gonna "beat up your boss because he treats you like shit". You wish you could just go and have a pint with your mates to make you feel better but no. You were alone with only a lousy message every now and then from Van.

You were still in tears, all these memories came flooding back to you in a matter of seconds. Hitting you like bricks. Actually, being hit by several bricks would probably hurt less than the realisation that you couldn’t carry on like this. You stood up from his sofa, breaking away from him. “I’m sorry I have to go, just need some space” muttering as you walked to his front door to get your shoes on and you saw his legs move into eyesight as you were tying your laces. “I’m so sorry Y/n, I mean it” he sighed. You stood up, he went to give you a hug but you dodged it, reaching for your leather jacket that used to be one of his. As you opened the door, Van solemnly begged “Still come to the pub later with me and the lids like we planned, they all miss you like mad, yeah?” you slightly nodded and walked out closing the door behind you but not looking back.

A few hours of sobbing in your bedroom had passed, it was almost the time you said you would meet at the local pub. You didn’t know if you could face it. You know if you didn’t go, you’d regret it however if you went you know you won’t be able to hold back the tears, you were a mess. When you had gotten in from Van’s you took down all the pictures you had of him and the others off your wall because you couldn’t stand the sight of them. You had put all of Van’s tops, jumpers and other things lying around in your house into a bag that you were going to give back to him. You took off the bracelet Van got you on your 6 year anniversary last year and hid it where you wouldn’t be tempted to put it back on. You took all of the catfish demos, vinyl and cds van had given you over the years, with handwritten notes describing how much he loves you and how these songs wouldn’t exsist without you.

It was 10 minutes before you were supposed to be meeting them, you were staring at the clock hoping that time would just pause so you had more time to collect yourself or had more time to even decide whether to go or not.

You looked in your mirror and practically jumpscared yourself. You had mascara running down your swollen face. ‘jesus christ! I really am a mess’ you thought as you scanned your appearance. Then you also saw in the corner of your mirror a photo booth picture strip you and van did on their last uk tour in one of the O2 academy venues. That made your decision right then and there.

You quickly ran to the bathroom and washed your face to get the residue of ruined makeup off your face and tried to then apply more to cover up the redness of your eyes. Just as you were topping up your lipstick you heard a knock on your door and then your mam near enough shrinking, “Van! It’s so nice to see you again, how’s the rock n roll life treating you then?” you could hear them talking downstairs which bought you more time to get dressed out of one of your old band hoodies and joggers into a slightly newer hoodie and jeans. You took one last look in the mirror to check there was no evidence that you’ve just had a bit of a mental breakdown down. As you go to walk down the stairs you suddenly remember your bracelet so you quickly put it back on.

As you turned to go into the living room you smile, you’re so lucky that your parents get on with Van so well. They were sitting there with a cuppa while your mam was saying how she’d watched their t in the park set on the tv and that she can’t wait to see them live again. Van was beaming, he had been telling her stories about festivals they had done while I was here, working in the shitty pub. You were stood there in complete awe of Van, his over exaggerated hand movements as he tries to explain how “mental” the crowds have been and his smile as he is saying that he can’t believe how many people now love the band. After he was done telling your mam the infamous reading story about how a lad got his kick off and was upside down in the middle of their set because Van dared him to do it, you coughed to get their attention. If you didn’t do that they’d both be talking for days. Van was hesitant to look after what had happened in the afternoon, but you just smiled back at him, acting like you were completely fine even though deep down you were still questioning the longevity of your relationship.

He got up and kneeled down to hug your mam and say thanks for the tea. You both walked to the door and he put his arm around your shoulder and whispered in your ear, “are you alright darling?” you put your arm around his waist and said, “I’ll be fine”. But would you? Just as you pulled the door to leave, your mam shouted from the other room “Oi! yous two, remember don’t be stumbling in here drunk at god knows what time! I’ve got work in the morning and I know what yous two are like!” you and Van just looked at each other and laughed as you stepped out the door and locked it.

Frosted pavements glistened in the moon light as you and Van set off walking to the pub. You loved autumn going on winter, cold breeze floated through the dimly lit streets with hazes of golden lights coming from the scattered street lamps. No words were spoken, just the two of you walking hand in hand. No one in sight. Van broke away, you frowned at the loss of contact and warmth. He was rummaging for a pack of cigs in his jacket pocket, not successful. You had barely smoked, of course you have had a few drags when you would get high at Van's or when you had a few too many, only started recently to try and handle the stress of work. So you handed him one out of your coat. "Thanks..?" questioning what you'd just done, "Since when did you start smoking?" you didn't answer straight away. You lit his cig up with your florescent lighter then lit your own up. "A few weeks ago. You're a bad influence" you smirked.

Rubbing the stump of the cigarette butt into the concrete, the strolling continued. "The Australian tour is actually supporting The Kooks" Van announced, "They're big fans of the band! It's surreal"

"No way?!" you stopped in your tracks.

"Yeah! Me and the boys were buzzing when management told us!" his face glowed with pride as he was telling you the details of the tour and where they were playing "We're gonna be playing to thousands on the other side of the world, I can't believe it" You couldn't have felt prouder in that moment.

Finally, you and Van arrived. The group wasn't hard to miss, even before opening the thick wooden doors you could hear Larry, Bob and Benji laughing at some imaginative tale Bondy was telling. "Brace yourself, they already sound like they're streaming" Van uttered while shaking his head. He was right. "OI OI! Thought you lovebirds had forgotten!" shouted Larry across the room, you just put your head in your hands as Van stuck his middle finger up at Larry.

They stood up one at a time to give you a hug, Bob pleaded "Please come on tour again, you are the only sane one of them all" while Van pretended to be 'disgusted' at his statement. Bondy nearly knocked you over, "Missed you so much lass" he slurred. Benji kept it simple stating, "Forgotten what you looked like! Never see you anymore" You just put on a fake smile as you could slowly feel your heart getting stabbed with each greeting. Larry exclaimed, "I know right! You need to come back on tour one day, I can't do my job without you" you just laughed at him but deep down you felt sick.

You sat in the middle of Bob and Van as Bondy went to get another round in. Drinks were flowing after telling Van you had to catch up with the rest, that would be impossible but you loved a challenge. Roaring laughter filled your booth as they all told embarrassing stories about each other from the past tour, from Bondy falling asleep in the most random places to hiding Larry's gear from him on high up shelves, which Larry deemed it "discrimination against small people". It felt like they hadn't been away and your thoughts about how they're leaving tomorrow quickly disappeared.

More drinks are consumed far too quickly, you felt dazed and your head was starting to spin, you were out of practice drinking like these. Bad idea to try and out drink Bondy. You were now resting your head on Van's shoulder to try and fight the dizziness off, you admired his laugh and facial expressions as they continued to bring up stories and they also started saying how excited they were about tomorrow. You weren't really paying attention, all you could think about is how you're not going to experience this for another 2 months.

"Earth to Y/N!" Larry said while clicking his fingers in front of your face, you snapped out of your daydream in an instant. "I was just telling them about that time me, you and Van got kicked out of The Kooks gig a few years ago. Wasn't it Van's fault?" but before you could even try and remember the story exactly, Van had already put his hands up like he had been caught red handed making you jolt up from his shoulder. "Alright, alright, you win. It might have been my fault but it was your idea to throw that demo on stage!"

"Yeah, I said throw it on stage, not at the bass player!" Larry argued back.

"Sorry Van, you know I love ya but I'll have to side with Larry on this one. Not his fault you've got a shit aim." You drunkenly giggled back. "Thank you Y/N! See I told you! 1 to me 0 to Van" He pretends to write it down on one of the many beer mats. You looked up at Van and his eyes were narrow, He leaned into the side of your head, resting his fluffy hair on yours. "I'll remember that later." He breathed into your ear making your hair stand up and your heartbeat.

It was even colder outside now then when you had entered, you all said your goodbyes as the rest of them did the sensible thing of getting a taxi back to their houses while you and Van staggered back. You were practically holding each other up, not realising how much you had actually drank until the frosty night smacked you in the face as soon as you had stepped out.

Once you had reached your house after what felt like a lifetime of walking, you searched for your key as Van held onto you so he didn't fall face first into the door. You looked everywhere but couldn't find it, "I definitely had it, I locked the door before" you muttered starting to panic until you felt Van grab your ass while laughing to himself, "Van? Not right now I'm in the middle of something" you whined as he tapped you on the shoulder. "Your keys were in your back pocket dafty" giggling like a little boy, you snatched them off him and unlocked the door.

You quietly locked the door behind you, kicking off your shoes and shrugging your jacket off and leaving it in the middle of your hallway. Van stood there still giggling like a child, "Keep it down, remember my mam has work in the morning" you tried to sturdily say however it set you off laughing when he put his finger over his lips like he was being shushed at school.

He followed you upstairs and cashed down on your bed and as you removed your make up for the second time today. You had barely gotten into your pyjamas when you could hear Van lightly snoring on your bed. He was starfished out under the covers. You closely followed by trying to get into your bed without waking him up, you had little to no room but you didn't care. At least he was still here in bed with you.

Sounds of clattering downstairs wakes you, sunlight gleaming through your curtains. There was an obvious change, Van wasn't there. You got up and stumbled down stairs, your head was thumping and you started to regret last night's antics. Wandering through to the kitchen answered where the loud noises were coming from. Van was stood there in his old pair of joggers with his streets hoodie, that he keeps at yours, on. His hair looked untamed, you tip-toed over to him, not making a sound. You crept over and leaned into his ear, still keeping a distance... "BOO!"

Van jumped and you began to crease up with laughter at his reaction, "Fucking hell Y/N! Are you trying to give me a heart attack or something?" you just replied with more laughter while hoping to sit on the counter next to him. "Thought you left me" you said as he handed you a cuppa, "Well I'm still here, aren't I?" He grinned as he moved in front of you and put his arms around your waist, "I'm going to miss this." he sighed into your hug. "Me too" you hummed back, taking in the view of his sleepy look.

You both got changed, and walked over to Van's house. His parents were waiting to see him before he left, they were used to him hardly being home but they still missed him. After talking to them for a while and Mary reminding Van to look after himself on the road and him just nodding along not really listening, you went upstairs and helped him to pack up his things. It was quite easy to pack his stuff since he just lived out of cases anyways, there was no point of him unpacking to just re pack the week after.

You were still trying to fight a headache off but now you're also fighting off the sensation of your eyes watering. The bus they were getting to the airport had pulled up outside, all the lads looked worse for wear after last night. Looks like you weren't the only one with a hangover then.

"Well that's everything then..." Van trailed off "You know I'll message or call you everyday... I'll be back in no time. It won't even feel like I've left." He softly spoke as he rubbed your back. "Promise?" you sniffled, feeling yourself well up again. "I promise" he gestured his pinky as if he was pinky promising, you chuckled. "I'm gonna miss you so fucking much Y/N, wish you could come with us" he pulled you into a tight hug, it was like he didn't want to leave you either. "I wish I could too" you nuzzled into his chest, "I'm gonna miss you too"

As you left his room, he grabbed your arm. "Where do you think you're going? I'm not finished yet" But before you could reply he pulled you into his lips, you threw your arms around his neck. it was passionate, but also soft and gentle, you never wanted to pull away. He was slowly sliding his hands under your jumper as you started to put your hands through his thick locks. As he was trying to undo your bra he had moved so you were against the wall and he nuzzled in your neck, sucking on the sensitive spots, making you sigh with need as you also slid your hands down his back...

"Van we're gonna be late-" Larry barged through the door, you both broke away instantly. "Oh shit sorry... but mate we have to go now" he said looking at the floor as he left, you were bright red and flustered but Van didn't really care. "To be continued?" He winked as he picked up his bags, "I guess" you followed out the door with one of his bags.

When you got outside and there they were, Larry had definitely mentioned something since they were giggling like school boys. You were still painted red with embarrassment so you avoided eye contact with the others, just kept your head down and put his bag in the back. you said goodbye and waved to them all, "Hang on, do I not get a proper goodbye?" Van questioned. "Think you've already had it" Bondy announced. The boys went into fits of laughter, this really wasn't helping. You were practically burning with embarrassment. "Don't listen to them pricks, C'mere" Van once again pulled you into a kiss, this time it was a bit toned down for obvious reasons, but it still gave you butterflies in the pit of your stomach.

"I was only kidding lass, I would too if I had the option" Bondy chuckled while walking over to give you a hug, you and the others laughed while Van looked confused. The bus was ready to go, so you said goodbye to them all, hugging and saying how much you're gonna miss them. "Van wait! forgot to give you this" he stopped as he went to get on the bus, you pulled out the photo booth picture from your phone case. His face lit up, "Thanks love! This was at one of my favourite gigs we've ever done" he put it in his pocket. "Love you" he said before turning around to get on the bus, "I love you too" you said with a lump in your throat.

After you watched your whole world drive away you ran to yours to go upstairs and put up all your photos of them all again, you put their old vinyl and cds on your shelves and display again and you put all of Van's stuff into his own drawer in your dressing table.

Of course these next few weeks were going to be tough but you loved him and nothing was going to change it.

A couple of days had past, they did their first date in Australia and it looked amazing. It stung you watching videos of them performing, you should be there supporting your best friends. However you were tapped behind a bar getting weird looks from old men instead. You haven't heard anything from Van himself, the form of contact you've had was Benji telling you they've landed but they were shattered and majorly jetlagged which is understandable.

A week had past and nothing from Van. You knew the timezones were drastically different but there was still times he could call. So you messaged him,

"hi, the tour looks so good! how are you doing? haven't spoken in ages, just want to know you're ok x"

no reply.

It had nearly been 2 weeks since they left and still nothing. You began overthinking, what if he's not alright? what if he's cheating? maybe he doesn't love you anymore? it was driving you sick. You tried calling him several times but no answer. So you just gave up.

3 weeks had dragged in and it was the last night of their tour with The Kooks tonight, BoB and Larry had phoned you to see how you were doing and to inform you about tour. While on the phone to Larry, you asked about Van, "I've tried calling and messaging Van but he's just not answering, do you know why? just be honest because I'm fed up of being ignored" it went silent.

"Look, Y/N, this has been the busiest tour we've done, he's constantly doing promo or rehearsing. Even I've hardly seen him" you just sighed, "Thanks anyways" you mumbled in defeat.

You didn't even want to wake up this morning. it had been a month and still nothing but today was different. It was yours and Van's 7 year anniversary. 7 years since you were there in his bedroom listening to Arctic Monkeys, laughing about anything and everything when he asked you to be his girlfriend. Now here you are, alone with no message or call. You had pre booked the day off because you though he was going to be home. Instead you were lying in your bed, with his streets hoodie on that smelled of his aftershave and lambert and butlers.

You spent the whole day in bed, looking through the present you had made for your anniversary that you were going to give when he got back. It was a photo book, the first picture was from the first day you had met him in his garden to the last picture of you two being backstage at their biggest headline show to date with the golden disc they go from one of their singles.

You had decided to not think about him anymore, you were focused on trying to figure out what you wanted to do with your life. You were just going round in circles, the only things you enjoyed doing was playing guitar, listening to music and going to concerts. Realistically that wasn't going to get you anywhere.

You jumped up in your bed, a loud buzzing noise coming from your phone. it was like a beacon light up your room. It was Van. You darted and picked it up in a heartbeat. "Van?" you questioned shocked. "Hiii lovee wassup" he was drunk. You groaned. "It's 2am for fuck sake, if you're just gonna slur over the phone I'm hanging up" you were furious.

"No no no was calling to say a miss you and I'm sorry I've been sooo busy with work things" he laughed. you were not laughing. "Van! It's been over a month since you've left and you didn't even have the decency to ring me?!" he went silent. "You know I've been worried about you, all I wanted was to know if you were ok and that you were enjoying the tour." you can hear shuffling and a deep sigh on the other side of the phone, "Baby I said I'm sorry just calm down oh my god, been busy that's all" you could feel tears trickling down your face, "Fucking calm down? Are you joking, you've been ignoring me for over a month Van! Do you know what day it was this week? Huh?!" you were raging at this point. "Ummmm... I don't know... Can't be that of been important, I can't remember" this tipped you over the edge. "IT WAS OUR FUCKING ANNIVERSARY" you almost screamed down the phone. "Oh shit, I'm so sorry I didn't know, Fuck.. Um... We'll do something nice when I get back... I'll buy you whatever you want... Or... We could go on holiday just us 2... Shit" you could tell he knew he's fucked up but you were still enraged. "I don't want any of that!" tears were rolling down your cheek with no signs of stopping. It went silent. "So why are you mad at me then?" you couldn't believe he just said that. "All I wanted was for you to remember! Apparently that's too much to fucking ask these days!" you hung up.

You threw your phone down onto your bed and burst out crying, you didn't even know if you were more upset or angry. You felt like your heart had just been ripped up into pieces by the person you loved most. Your phone started buzzing again, it was Van. This carried on for the rest of the night, however you just knocked your phone off and muted it.

It was getting closer to the end of their tour, you didn't even know where they were anymore. You had a few messages off the boys checking in or begging you to talk to Van because he hasn't been himself since that night. You did contemplate getting in touch with Van but every time you thought of him you just wanted to scream. Why did he only call you when he was drunk? Does he not care when he's sober? Did he mean those things he said? These questions were on repeat in your head. You couldn't escape them.

The 2 months were up. They would be home anytime today. You had been mentally preparing for what might happen. Will Van apologise? or will he just be stubborn like always? You didn't even know if you wanted the answers but you knew you were going to get them soon, if you liked it or not.

You were walking back from work, already in a shit mood. You went in your front door and headed straight to bed. It had been a stressful day of annoying men demanding drinks constantly, there was a match on. You despised match days but you got a bouns for doing them, that's all that matters right...

Your bedroom was a mess. There were clothes everywhere, old wrappers and takeaway boxes scattered across your floor. You didn't have the strength to clean it up, especially not right now. Your mind was running mad with the thought of Van coming back today even though you didn't even know wether you wanted to be with him after everything.

After having a shower and getting ready for bed, you picked up the closest thing off your floor to wear. Without thinking you just threw it on and got into bed. It was Van's streets hoodie. You didn't care, you were too tired to care at this point.

It was only 9pm but you were out cold until someone slammed a car door shut and you jolted from the noise. This street was never busy and was always quiet, especially at night. You knew exactly who it was. Your suspicion was confirmed by light knocks on your front door. You hesitated to go downstairs. You didn't want to answer the door.

Your phone flashed with a notification from Van which read

"Hey I'm outside yours now, we need to talk. please answer the door x"

your heart was going a million miles a hour as you took each step down to the front door. You could see his slim frame through the tinted glass, you reached for your keys which had a catfish and the bottlemen keyring on and unlocked the door.

There he was. Stood in your doorway. Dark shadows under his eyes. Stubble coming through. Red around his eyes. Longer rugged looking hair. Ivory skin, paler than usual.

By now you would have jumped into his arms and you would be asking how the tour was while he just rushed you upstairs.

This time it was very different.

"Can I come in?" he asked gently, expecting you to turn down the offer. "Sure" you said bluntly looking down at the carpet. He still had his luggage with him so he left them in the hallway by the door. You walked into the kitchen to pour yourself a glass of vodka, you'll probably need it. He followed, playing around with his jumper.

The tension was thick but you didn't want to show you cared or that he had broken you over these weeks. "So, how was the tour then?" you acted as if nothing had happened. "... Good, really good." Van looked baffled. His bushy eyebrows creased and mouth slightly open. "Look we need to talk, I'm sorry about the way I acted the other night but I was constantly swept off my feet working. They had me doing like 2 interviews then radio sessions and a gig at the end of the day. I know I should have called I'm sorry, it won't happen again." You could already feel the anger sparking, "That's not good enough anymore, every time you go away you promise me you'll stay in touch but you never do! I can't take it anymore, it's like I don't exist to you when you're on tour!" He sighed,

"I can't do anything about going on tour, it's a part of the job. Y/N, I've been dreaming of this since I was a kid, you of all people should know that. I know it sucks but we can get through it, I promise" you could feel the water in your eyes already. "I'm not saying I don't want you to stop touring, all I'm saying it would be nice to hear from you while on tour! Even if it's a text message every other day saying hi. Anything would be an improvement! You've promised me loads that you will stay in touch and you never do, I'm sick of just waiting around all day to see if you're gonna reply or not!" The faucet on your eyes had been pulled, tears were falling. "It's like you don't care about me at all! It's like you care about the band more!" you said while rubbing your eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie.

He stood there, brows furrowed. "Are you mad?! I can't just make time out of the schedule to talk to you, I don't even get to talk to my own mum and dad! I'm trying to build us a future, it's not all about you-" you were bewildered. Did he actually just say that to your face? "Y/N, darling I didn't mean that I'm so sorry, I'm not thinking straight. I'm sorry. Can we just try again huh?" He said worriedly. "Just go Van." you sobbed into your hands.

"Please I'll do anything, please let me stay and talk things through properly, yeah?" He shakily said while going to put an arm around to your neck, you shuved him off. "No, just go, I need to think."

"Ok, I'll go" he walked out, head down rubbing his face.You heard him shuffling around in your hallway and then the door quietly shut.

You fell onto your kitchen floor, head resting on your knees trying to process it all. You sat there on the freezing tiles for hours, staring into space wondering how your relationship got this way.

*knock.... knock....*

Van again. You weren't ready for round 2 of whatever this is but if you didn't answer it you know he wouldn't move and freeze to death until you did let him in, so you got up off the floor. Your glassy eyes were not helping the situation.

You opened the door and walked into your living room this time, more comfy than sitting on stone tiles. You and Van sat on separate ends of the sofa. He was bouncing his leg up and down while rubbing his hands together. You noticed that he'd brought a small gift bag this time. "Close your eyes..." Van instructed as he shuffled over right next to you with the gift bag. "Van I'm not in the mood for your stupid games, what is it?" you groaned, it was like nothing had happened. "Fair enough" he said while opening the bag, there was a white box with a name you couldn't quite make out. "Hold your hand out then" you obliged reluctantly, he pulled out a silver necklace with a little charm on it, he placed it carefully in your palm. "Happy late anniversary..." He smiled.

You passed it back to him. "Do you not like it? I can get it changed if you want-"

"Van, it's lovely but I can't be with you anymore. I love you so fucking much but I can't cope without months of contact at a time. I'm so proud of what you've achieved, the band is finally getting somewhere but I can't handle not being with you. It's like you only care about me when you're here and with the band's success you're not going to be home very often. I love you Van but I can't carry on this way." your voice was breaking saying those words, they felt horrible to be in your mouth. You needed them out even if that meant ending things with Van.

His eyes were swollen and his bottom lip was shaking. "I know I've handled this like a fucking idiot, but please Y/N, one more chance. I don't know what I would do without you. You were the one I wrote my very first song about, it was shit but still..." you laughed at the memories of 14 year old Van trying to serenade you on the edge of your bed using your acoustic guitar. "You were the one who believed that the band would work out, You were the one who supported me every step of the way and you were the one who was always there for me when no one else was" it was true, you had always supported him even when you did doubt some of the choices he made.

"I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for you, Y/N just give us one more chance please. I love you more than anything" His eyes were glistening with tears, the insides bloodshot. He was holding your hand the whole time. Your head was spiraling with happy memories.

"Just one more chance, ok? If you fuck this up that's it." you said quietly collapsing onto his chest.

Van moved back and put his hands on either side of your face so you were looking directly into each other's puffy eyes, "Don't worry, I won't fuck it up." he assured as you both leaned into eachother, softly pressing your plump lips together, you pulled him in deeper until he broke away to reach for the necklace. He moved your hair out the way so he could fassen the clasp on the chain. "Beautiful" he breathed before dragging you off the sofa and leading you upstairs to your room.

You woke up at noon, you were fitted to his side, nuzzled into the crook of his neck. You pressed light kisses on his exposed collarbone, trying not to wake him up. His eyelashes fluttered open. "Morning" you said still half asleep. "Morning, love" he grinned, planting a kiss on the tip of your nose.

#catfish and the bottlemen #van mccann #benji blakeway #bob hall #bondy #johnny bond #vanfic #van mccann fanfic #catfish and the bottlemen fanfic

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