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Chicken Noodle Soup For Just The Regular Soul

When you put tiny green leaves on things, they look fancy!

INGREDIENTS Rotisserie chicken Chicken broth Bell Peppers Onions Rice noodles or some other species of noodle Soy sauce Spicy spices An egg, if you wanna Cilantro aka decorative leaves

DIRECTIONS 1. Chop up the onions and bell peppers into tiny little strips, which are unrelated to strippers, strip clubs, stripping, or strip malls. They are just long skinny vegetables.  2. Shred some chicken from your rotisserie chicken. You can do this by using two forks and pulling pieces apart, or by absolutely fucking wailing on a neon blue guitar with dirty fingernails and lots of large, unnecessary rings. 3. Put the onion strips and bell pepper strips into a pot and cook them with spicy spices until they’re ~tender~ like true love’s first kiss. 4. Add the broth, a dash of soy sauce and maybe some more spicy spices and bring it all to a boil. 5. Once the broth has reached a boil, add your rice noodles or whichever species of noodle you chose. They are all created equal, but also, look at the package to see how long you need to boil them. 6. Add the chicken. You probably forgot about the chicken. It’s okay. I did too, until just now. 7. Cook the noodles until they’re ~tender~ like a mother’s love. 8. If you want, you can add a boiled egg. What’s that? You need to know how to boil an egg? Should I also tell you how to put on your pants and use the big boy potty? LEAVE THIS PAGE, JUSTIN, AND NEVER COME BACK. 9. Scoop out some soup, slap the egg on top, and slurp that shit up. WING IT

- You could cook your own chicken but mama ain’t got time for that - You could add other veggies - You could use a different broth like beef or snake liver. Ok, I made that last one up. - You could shred with a red guitar instead of a blue one

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Sweet Potato and Black Bean Enchiladas

They might look like that!

INGREDIENTS

Sweet potatoes Black beans Enchilada sauce Cheese Tortillas Onions Peppers Lime Spicy spices DIRECTIONS

1. First you have to roast the sweet potatoes otherwise they’ll be hard and that’ll be kinda gross unless you’re into it. So cut them up and roast them at like 400 degrees for like 15-20 minutes. 2. While those are roasting cut up all the other stuff except the tortillas and the spices and the cheese and the black beans and the sauce. Not everyone knows this but liquids can’t be cut with knives. That’s a science fact. 3. Take the sweet potatoes out of the oven otherwise they’ll catch on fire and you might cause a small emergency or potentially a very large one. 4. Combine all the veggies in a bowl with the lime juice and spicy spices.  5. Heat up some tortillas in the microwave with a wet paper towel for like a minute. This will make them softer than a baby’s bottom but that’s a weird metaphor to use since we’re talking about food. 6. Grease an oven pan.  7. Lay the tortillas on the greasy oven pan. Then spoon some of your mixture into each one. Don’t put too much but also don’t put too little. Idk man just figure it out. 8. Roll up the tortilla with the stuff in it and put it seam side down on the greasy oven pan. You’ll know which side is the seam side because it’ll have a seam.  9. Pour a bunch of sauce over them and sprinkle a bunch of cheese on top. 10. Bake those at 350 degrees for 10-15 minutes or until the cheese is melted and browned. You’ll know when it’s browned because it’ll be brown.  11. Accidentally break them when you try to pick them up with a spatula and turn them into what some would call a “salad” and everyone other than me would call “just a broken enchilada” Wing it! - Add meat - Use different veggies - Make your own sauce ??? - Make your own tortillas ???? - Make your own cheese ????? - Make your own fire ??????

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Stuffed Peppers

They’re peppers with stuff in them!

INGREDIENTS

Bell peppers Onions Black Beans Corn Some kind of ground meat Some kind of cheese Some kind of spices Some kind of breadcrumbs DIRECTIONS 1. Cut the tops off the peppers and take all the seeds and stuff out.  2. Preheat the oven (that means heating but before) to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Not Celsius. That’d be like 600 degrees which is like hot yoga except in hell. 3. Put the peppers standing up in the oven for 15 minutes. ~JUST A TIP: PUT THEM IN A CUPCAKE TIN EVEN THOUGH THEY AREN’T CUPCAKES BECAUSE THEN THEY WON’T FALL OVER~ 4. Cook the ground meat with the chopped onions and spices. Probably spicy ones but honestly put whatever you want unless it’s cinnamon you fucking weirdo 5. Take the peppers out of the oven and dump the water out of them. The water means that the science happened and the peppers made pepper juice. Don’t drink it. Really don’t. That’d be a bad idea. I BET YOU WON’T DO IT YOU LITTLE CHICKENSHIT!!!! 6. After you’ve poured the water out or slurped it out with a straw, fill the peppers with the meat, black beans, corn and cheese, and put some breadcrumbs on top. 7. Put them all standing up back in the oven for another 15 minutes or until the cheese is melted.  8. Take them out of your oven so they don’t burn because that would make them taste bad!!

WING IT

- Don’t use meat - Use some other veggies - Honestly idk this is pretty hard to fuck up

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Spicy Carrot and Peanut Soup

I made it and that’s what it looked like!

INGREDIENTS Carrots. Somewhere between 4 and 12. Not the baby ones, either. The adult ones. Like, solid teenager at least. Onion Red pepper Potatoes Garlic Jalapeño Vegetable broth Some kind of nut milk (nice) Peanut butter Chili garlic sauce Soy sauce

DIRECTIONS

1. Cut up the carrots and potatoes and cook them in a pot with the garlic. 2. Cut up the onion, red pepper and jalapeño too. 3. Once the carrots and potatoes are ~tender~ add the onion, red pepper and jalapeño. If you’re like “whoa nelly I can’t do no jalapeño that junk don’t sit well with me if ya know what I mean” then add less jalapeño or even none at all but also you are weak. 4. Once everything’s cooked all together for an amount of time that just kinda feels right, add the vegetable broth and the nut milk (nice). 5. Let that simmer for some minutes. 6. Test out a carrot and see if it’s soft. You’ll know if it’s soft because it won’t be hard (nice). 7. BLEND SOME OF IT. Either ladle some of your soup into a blender, or if you’re a classy aristocrat like myself you can use an immersion blender. 8. Add the chili garlic sauce, soy sauce and peanut butter and then blend it some more so that it’s blended. 9. Serve with chopped jalapeño slices for even more kick if you’re not a total weenie (nice).  WING IT - Use milk from cows instead of nuts (nice) - Add a meat or something - Toast some cashews in a pan for extra garnish but don’t burn them because then your kitchen will smell like shame (nice)

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Thai Red Curry

It looks sort of like that if you decorate it with leaves and twigs

INGREDIENTS

1 can of coconut milk Red curry paste from the store Onion Lime Tomatoes Red pepper Zucchini Basil Chicken Soy sauce White rice

DIRECTIONS

1. Cut up all the vegetables and the chicken into chunks. 2. Cook the chicken in the pan until it’s browned. You’ll know when it’s browned because it will be brown. 3. Toss in your chunky veggies. It’s okay to call them that. It doesn’t hurt their feelings. 4. Add like a tablespoon or so of the curry paste into the pan and mix it all around so everything gets pasted. 5. Add the coconut milk, more curry paste, a dash of soy sauce and the juice from the lime. Not the whole lime. This is important. 6. Let your curry simmer while you’re cooking your white rice. If you don’t know how to make rice, you can skip to the next step. 7. Go fuck yourself. 8. Once your rice is done, you can either keep them separate which is considered more ~authentic~ or you can pile everything into the same bowl which is considered more ~efficient~ 9. Garnish with that basil like a boss ass bitch 

Wing it - Use some other meat like shrimp or beef or tofu if you’re into Play-Doh - Use another curry paste like green curry or yellow curry - Add some peanuts or peanut butter or another nut butter in case of allergies, which honestly has to suck like peanut butter is delicious 

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Just Some Frickin Great Tomato Sauce

YOU SAY TOMATO, I SAY TOMATO, LET’S MAKE SOME FUCKIN’ SAUCE

Ingredients

Some tomatoes Onion Minced garlic Tomato paste Olive oil Balsamic vinegar Spices (idk like whatever is in your cabinet that’s vaguely Italian)

Directions

1. Peel and seed the tomatoes. There’s probably a smart way to peel a tomato but if you don’t wanna do that you can just rip the skin stuff off with your fingernails. To seed them, just scoop out the goop. This step is easy to remember because it rhymes.  2. For the second step, you ignore the first step because you’re a lazy asshole. 3. Chop the tomato and onion and whatever else into medium-ish chunks. Like, not small, but not big. Which is medium. This is just so you don’t clog up your blender. If you have a fancy blender that can blend big stuff, just go ahead and leave you fancy fuck. 4. Throw everything you just chopped into the blender, plus the garlic, a little oil, a little water, a little balsamic vinegar and whatever spices you want/have/stole from your roommate/stole from the store/don’t steal from the store put that back. 5. Blend everything for like a second. A SINGLE SECOND. 6. Pour the mixture from the blender into a pan and spoon out a spoonful or two of tomato paste. 7. Let everything simmer for a while. Maybe ten minutes. Maybe thirty. I don’t know your life dude do what you feel. 8. Put that sauce on top of some pasta and then make meaningless hand gestures and kissy noises because YOU’RE BASICALLY ITALIAN YOU LITTLE MOBSTER, YOU.

Wing it - Give it a little ~kick~ (this is just a phrase, don’t kick anything) by adding some peppers - You could use fresh garlic if you’re really into garlic and also if you’re super single or super married so no one cares if you have garlic breath for the next 7 years

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Creamy White Chicken Chili

Ugh, I can’t believe I forgot to take a photo of this chili with my shitty iPhone 5! Oh well. Guess this highly stylized professional photograph will have to do.

Ingredients  Chicken Milk (idk like a few cups) Chicken broth (idk like a few cups) Onion Cream cheese 1 can white beans 1 can corn Yellow bell pepper Lime juice Jalapeño Various spices. Specifically, the spicy spices.

Directions 1. Cook the chicken in a pan with oil, lime juice and spices (the spicy ones). Turn off the heat, take the chicken out of the pan, and shred it with two forks. But seriously, take it out of the pan. Not just because you’ll ruin your pans using forks in them, but also because that would be fucking dumb. 2. Chop the onions, yellow pepper, and jalapeño. (It’s honestly getting really annoying to hold down the N key to make the little squiggle. If I don’t make it a squiggle N, will people judge me? Is that culturally insensitive?) Then add them to a pan and cook them with more lime juice and spicy spices. 3. Combine literally everything except the cream cheese in a big ole pot and let it all simmer for like half an hour. I was feeding a shit ton of people when I made this so I used approximately 1.5 shit tons of each ingredient. 4. Sometime later on, add the cream cheese a little bit at time and whisk it until you achieve desired creaminess. But like, don’t get carried away with yourself. This is a soup, not a fucking bagel.

Wing it - You could probably make this with a rotisserie chicken to save time.  - Cut the cream cheese if you also want to cut a little bit of joy from your life. - I realize almost everything in this recipe is yellow. You are, in fact, allowed to use produce that is not yellow. But just be warned: it won’t be as yellow.

Bonus! A list of things you can put on top - Cilantro - Avocado (But like for real guys, doesn’t this sink to the bottom? How the fuck does avocado float? Avocados are heavy as shit. Have you ever carried them from home the grocery store? What IS science?) - More cheese - Tortilla strips (These sometimes come in fun packaged bags, but if you’re like me and sometimes struggle just a tad to communicate with your local grocer who speaks literally no English, use tortilla chips you crushed between your own actual palms. For bonus flavor, lick the crumbs off your hands.) - My love

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Green Bean Casserole

Just look at that. That shit is a vegetable. A VEGETABLE.

Ingredients Canned green beans Can of cream of mushroom soup  French’s crispy onions 1/2 cup Milk

Directions 1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Fahrenheit, not Celsius. In case you’re wondering, that would be 176.666666666 degrees Celsius. Which seems generally foreboding. 2. Literally just mix all that shit into a casserole dish. Green beans to cream of mushroom ratio should be approximately 2:1. or 3:2. or 5:3. You see where I’m going with this. 3. Put it in the oven for 20 minutes or until it’s bubbly. But not, like, the giggly kind of bubbly. If your casserole is giggling, please go lie down. 4. Sprinkle more crispy onions on top and place back in the oven for another 5 minutes. 5. Call your mom because you’ve just made a fucking casserole you domestic little fox, you.

Wing It - I added bacon to this because by god, bacon. - You could also add onions and/or mushrooms. - Top with shredded cheddar for the last 5 minutes. - Yes, you could use fresh green beans you yuppy fuck.

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15% Authentic Tacos

There’s a 15% chance it looks something like that and a 100% chance I’m both dizzy and hungry

Ingredients Chicken Corn tortillas (not flour tortillas you vanilla son of a bitch) Cilantro Lime Onion Taco seasoning

Directions 1. Cut the chicken into smallish pieces and also cut the onion into smallish pieces. Don’t use the same cutting board. Salmonella. Not from salmon. From chicken. We’ve been over this. 2. Cook the chicken in a pan with heat. 3. Add a little bit of the chopped onion to the chicken once it’s closer to done. You’ll know it’s closer to done because it will be farther away from raw. Set the rest of the onion aside. 4. Squeeze the lime into the pan with the chicken and onion. If you don’t know how to extract the juice from the lime, let me offer you a very helpful tip: give up. 5. Add the taco seasoning. Not the whole packet. Trust me on this. 6. Put the tortillas in the microwave with a damp paper towel so that science will happen and they will be softer. 7. Chop up the cilantro. (You might not like cilantro. Also, you might be wrong.) 8. Assemble the chicken, raw onion and cilantro in the tortilla like a beautiful lego masterpiece of ambiguous Latin descent.

Wing it - Use any other meat like pork, steak or chorizo - Add fajita-style peppers - Top with cheese, avocado or sour cream if you’re into old yogurt - Drizzle with hot sauce unless you’re a weak-tongued flaw in human evolution

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Creamy Tomato Pasta

It looks just like that photo. But doesn’t taste like it. That photo probably tastes like dust and megapixels.

Ingredients Chicken Tomatoes Onion Milk Garlic Butter Salt + Pepper A variety of cheeses Rotini pasta

Directions 1. Chop things that need to be chopped. To clarify, this does not include the pasta. Or the milk. 2. Melt a spoonful of butter in a pot. This is not difficult. You should not have trouble with this. 3. Place the (chopped) chicken in the pot. Let it cook a lil bit. 4. Place the (chopped) tomatoes and onions in the pot too. Let them cook a lil bit. 5. Season with garlic- preferably of the minced variety because that shit is POtent- and also salt + pepper.  6. Let it all cook a lil bit more. And by “a lil bit more” I actually mean until it’s done. You’ll know when it’s done because it will be done. 7. Add 1-2ish cups of milk. Eyeball it.  8. Add some rotini pasta. Eyeball that too. 9. Turn the heat to a lowkey boil until the pasta is done. You’ll know when it’s done because it will be done. 10. Add the variety of cheeses and let them melt. This is the fun part. It’s like a party that's BYOC (That stands for “bring your own cheese”). 11. I feel like I’m forgetting something but you can eat it now anyway. Unless it’s not done. You’ll know when it’s done because it will be done.

Wing It - Use a different meat like sausage or shrimp or like buffalo or something  - Add different veggies - Throw some crushed red pepper in there for a little ~kick~ - Get RLY FCKN NUTS and make this with.......wait for it....wait for it...

.....wait for it....

........WAIT for it......

..........WAIT FOR IT!!!!......

okay stop waiting it’s spaghetti

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Brown Ale Pulled BBQ Chicken

*no chickens were intoxicated in the making of this dish.

Ingredients Chicken Brown ale/generally darker beer of your choice (I used Bell’s Best Brown) Barbecue Sauce Vinegar Honey Garlic

Directions 1. Place all of the ingredients in the crockpot. Use about 1/3 cup of beer unless you’re trying to get hashtag turnt. In which case there are more efficient ways to do that. 2. Cook on high for 3-4 hours. 3. Take the chicken out and shred it with 2 forks. If you don’t know how to do this, a) you can fucking figure it out you baby-handed manchild or b) just cut it into tiny pieces because that’s basically the same thing and in doing so you’ll probably figure it out anyway. 4. Put the shredded chicken back in the crockpot for a few minutes to soak up the juices and other miscellaneous liquids. 5. Stick your face in the crockpot so you can smell heaven itself. Then eat the shit out of this. Wing it Beer choice could be a game changer here, so try mixing it up with different brews...Someone punch me in my face for that sentence. Add sriracha or some other, lesser hot sauce. Try it with pork instead. 

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Slightly More Adult Ramen Noodles

But not “adult” as in “adult film.”  “Adult” as in “literally like a human who is grown and not in a sexual way at all.”

Ingredients 1 pack Ramen noodles Soy sauce Sesame oil Vinegar Sriracha Honey Ginger Garlic Butter Zucchini Onion Red Pepper Parsley

Directions 1. Boil the Ramen for 5 minutes. Throw away the seasoning packet because you’ve got better shit to spend a quarter on. 2. Add zucchini, onion and red pepper to a pan with butter on medium heat. Add a little soy sauce. Delicately. You’ll need it later. Cook the veggies until browned well. 3. Drain the ramen. Don’t burn yourself. Boiling water is hot. 3. SAUCE TIME IS THE BEST TIME. In a small bowl, mix the soy sauce, sesame oil, vinegar, sriracha, honey, ginger and garlic. If this seems like a lot, think of it as mostly soy sauce with a splash of lots of other things.  4. Pour the sauce over the drained ramen. Add the veggies. Top with parsley mostly for the ‘gram.  5. Bask in the fact that this meal probably cost you $5 or less.

Wing It Add chicken or beef. Use other veggies like carrots or mushrooms. In case you’re the kind of human who doesn’t have ramen noodles hiding somewhere in your cupboard behind your “healthier” foods in case your parents visit, you can use pretty much any other noodle. If you’re craving a Thai-style dish, add a dollop of peanut butter to the sauce and stir with a whisk. 

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Skillet Breakfast Potatoes

Ingredients Potatoes Onion Olive oil Salt + pepper Garlic powder Chili powder Directions 1. Chop potatoes and onion into tiny little pieces. If you have to ask, they probably need to be smaller. *Important note* Potato to Onion Ratio should be about 3:1, unless you’re super into onion in the morning. 2. Place in skillet with a decent amount of oil for frying. But not too much because that shit gets dangerous. 3. Cook on medium heat. Try not to stir too much so the potatoes have enough time to brown on each side. 4. Season with s+p, garlic, and chili powder. 5. Pair with a mimosa and BRUNCH SO F*IN HARD.

Wing It Add red and/or green bell pepper. You could probably use a food processor but honestly those things scare the shit out of me so

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Crockpot Chicken + Dumplings

Or, to use the technical term, “dumplins.”

Ingredients Chicken 2 cans cream of chicken soup  Onion 1 tin of biscuit dough

Directions 1. Cut chicken and onion into small pieces. Not on the same cutting board. I repeat: not on the same cutting board. Salmonella is real and, despite it’s name, does not come from salmon. It comes from chicken. 2. Place in the crockpot with the cream of chicken soup. Turn crockpot on. This is vital. Also, turn it to low heat.  3. Carry on with your life for 5-6 hours or until chicken is cooked through. Again, salmonella. Not from salmon. From chicken. 4. Pull apart biscuit dough and form into roundish chunks. Wash your hands first, kids. 5. Place in the crockpot for an additional 30 minutes. Try not to stir too much, or they’ll lose the round shape you made with your grimy, unclean hands. 6. That is literally it. You genuinely cannot fuck this up. Unless you get salmonella. Which comes from chicken.

Wing it This would probably be faster if you used a rotisserie chicken. Add more veggies like celery, carrots and peas.

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Brussels Sprouts with Bacon

*I didn’t take this picture but that’s what it looks like ok.

Ingredients Brussels sprouts Bacon Butter Salt & pepper

Directions 1. Chop the bottom off of the brussels sprouts. (Or don’t. One time I forgot. It made no difference. Made for an exciting parenthetical story, though.) Then halve them. 2. Cook a few slices of bacon (somewhere between 3 and 25 I would guess) in a skillet until pretty much done. But not all the way done.  3. Take the bacon out of the skillet and place on a paper towel. Dab to absorb grease, then cut or pull into small pieces. 4. SERIOUSLY DON’T SKIP THIS STEP PLEASE READ THIS THIS IS IMPORTANT. SERIOUSLY TAKE THE BACON GREASE OFF THE HOT BURNER. SERIOUSLY DO IT. SERIOUSLY. 5. Add the brussels sprouts to the bacon grease which is OFF THE BURNER RIGHT NOW RIGHT? Spoon in a little butter. A little. Control yourself here. This is still a vegetable. Don’t ruin the vegetable. 6. Move the skillet back to the burner on medium heat. Season the brussels sprouts with salt and pepper. 7. Once the brussels sprouts are a little ~tender~ (probably like 5 minutes but honestly I never counted- what do you think this is, a recipe?) add the bacon back in and let the brussels sprouts and bacon get all tender in each other’s juices for a little while. Yeah. 8. You’re done! Eat the shit out of this dish as a side or as a whole meal or several I mean who am I to judge.

Wing It Add other veggies too like kale, green beans, asparagus, whatever. Add a little lemon juice or balsamic dressing. Try it with turkey bacon.

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Potato + Kale Soup

Ingredients

Some of those weird tiny potatoes  Some of those weird tiny tomatoes Kale Red onion (But, like, a quarter of it. Not the whole thing unless you’re in one of those emotional “use the whole onion” moods.) 1 can chicken broth 1/3ish cup milk Minced garlic Ground ginger (whaaaaaat mindblown right just wait) Paprika Salt + pepper to taste Directions

1. Boil the potatoes. 2. While the potatoes are boiling, chop up the onion, kale and tomatoes into small pieces. You can rip the kale apart by hand if you’re into that kind of thing. 3. Add a little oil and butter to a pot over medium heat. Dump in the veggies, minced garlic, ginger, paprika and S+P. How much, you ask? Eyeball that shit. 4. While that’s cooking, take the boiling potatoes off the heat. Rinse them in cold water so you don’t burn the shit out of yourself. You can peel them if you want. I didn’t. Chop up a few into large pieces. But not like, large. You get it.  5. Check on the veggies in the pot you idiot. If you burned them, start back at 1 Brian McKnight style.  6. Peel the remainder of the potatoes. Use a potato masher, or if you’re like me and don’t own one and/or know what they look like, cut the potatoes into tiny pieces and mash them with the side of a spoon. Look at that, you got your workout in.  7. Add potatoes (both mashed and otherwise), broth and milk to the pot. Simmer covered for 10-15 minutes on low-medium heat. 8. Taste test. You probably need more ginger. Don’t fear the ginger. The ginger is your friend. 9. BASK IN YOUR OWN GLORY BECAUSE YOU JUST MADE SOUP WITH VEGETABLES LIKE A CLASSY BITCH. How to Wing It

-Add bacon.  -Use a dry mashed potato packet or a can of diced tomatoes like a fucking savage.

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