honamafus

[honamafus]

being belittled for things i've been trying my best to overcome, or fix, or excel at, is disheartening to say the least. not only is it indicative of my progress (or lack of in this case), but it also makes me question whether or not what i'm doing is any good. why should i put all this effort in if over and over again i fail? why try to please when that backs me further into a corner?

yup yup yup

regret of spending the night with someone you love?

i hate dwelling on regret because it feels so unproductive, but writing is the best way i can reflect so it's necessary following these past two days.

in order to enjoy something there's almost always something bad that goes along with it and vice versa. this particular experience was proof of heightened emotions with someone; i felt happy and laughed a lot but i puked (again! that bathroom is becoming my personal sick room) and almost cried. i'm not sure why i'm so sensitive to particular comments but that goes back to my original post on spending the night.

being belittled for things i've been trying my best to overcome, or fix, or excel at, is disheartening to say the least. not only is it indicative of my progress (or lack of in this case), but it also makes me question whether or not what i'm doing is any good. why should i put all this effort in if over and over again i fail? why try to please when that backs me further into a corner?

most days i feel like i'm a ghost floating around - it doesn't make a difference if i'm dead or alive and the only life i affect is my own, for better or for worse. occasionally, today for example, i find myself face to face with my own influence and the consequences of my own actions which aren't usually as corporeal as i'd like to think. i'm fortunate that today the consequence was positive, but i know it won't always be that way. how do i snap out of this sort of derealization when the world is real but i feel like i am not?

[honamafus]

today was fun

yesterday was something

i felt good. i was so happy and felt like i had all the company and warmth i could ever want and would ever need.

i'm not sure what it is about me but i trust what people say pretty much wholeheartedly until they go back on it. if someone says something that matters to me, i latch onto it particularly hard. maybe because those affirmations that i am loved and i am wanted mean a lot to me as someone who craves a loving embrace and a little kiss on the forehead. i want to be loved softly.

that soft love does not have to be without fault or without going back on words. i don't expect the world to be perfect or even kind i just expect it to be truthful, or i hope it is at least? i hope the world listens to me when i talk about myself. i hope the difference in perspective matters to it and it can trust me too.

i've learned that i can be normal, i just have to work at it quite a bit and invest money and time. which is fine. i'll do anything to be how i'm supposed to be.

[honamafus]

remind me to never show my posts to the people they're about. also remind me to never let my anger push me to do something that i'll regret

[honamafus]

Winona Ryder on the set of Girl, Interrupted (1999)

#i love you

[honamafus]

am i dumb, am i terrible, am i pretty? am i worthy of love? am i loved? am i stupid? am i a coward, or a liar, or a great person? am i hated? am i someone worth remembering?

things that stick with you

on days like these when i'm reflecting on my actions i ponder over things i couldn't have changed and think, what if? what if i had enough money? i didn't have income. what if i had reached out earlier? i cut all contact. what if i could've stayed longer? i have a curfew.

and then there are things that i could have changed, or could actively change, and i don't spend as much time on those. what if i had used my money to buy more small gifts rather than less big gifts? what if i hadn't cut contact when i did? what if i could've communicated during the time i was there, eliminating the need to stay longer?

i think i struggle with my own effect on the world. i see myself as nothing and the marks i leave on doorknobs go away with time. the thought that i have control over situations, that i could change things, that i steer my own life, is difficult to grasp and somewhat painful to think about.

i would rather be a passenger, i would rather have my life take me along like a river way too deep for me to stand in, but instead i can stand and pull myself out if i would only fight against the current. there's the option of letting go, but my handprints on people are much more permanent than those on doorknobs and i'm afraid that they'd turn into painful memories if i were gone.

[honamafus]

things that stick with you

on days like these when i'm reflecting on my actions i ponder over things i couldn't have changed and think, what if? what if i had enough money? i didn't have income. what if i had reached out earlier? i cut all contact. what if i could've stayed longer? i have a curfew.

and then there are things that i could have changed, or could actively change, and i don't spend as much time on those. what if i had used my money to buy more small gifts rather than less big gifts? what if i hadn't cut contact when i did? what if i could've communicated during the time i was there, eliminating the need to stay longer?

i think i struggle with my own effect on the world. i see myself as nothing and the marks i leave on doorknobs go away with time. the thought that i have control over situations, that i could change things, that i steer my own life, is difficult to grasp and somewhat painful to think about.

i would rather be a passenger, i would rather have my life take me along like a river way too deep for me to stand in, but instead i can stand and pull myself out if i would only fight against the current. there's the option of letting go, but my handprints on people are much more permanent than those on doorknobs and i'm afraid that they'd turn into painful memories if i were gone.

[honamafus]

regret of spending the night with someone you love?

i hate dwelling on regret because it feels so unproductive, but writing is the best way i can reflect so it's necessary following these past two days.

in order to enjoy something there's almost always something bad that goes along with it and vice versa. this particular experience was proof of heightened emotions with someone; i felt happy and laughed a lot but i puked (again! that bathroom is becoming my personal sick room) and almost cried. i'm not sure why i'm so sensitive to particular comments but that goes back to my original post on spending the night.

being belittled for things i've been trying my best to overcome, or fix, or excel at, is disheartening to say the least. not only is it indicative of my progress (or lack of in this case), but it also makes me question whether or not what i'm doing is any good. why should i put all this effort in if over and over again i fail? why try to please when that backs me further into a corner?

most days i feel like i'm a ghost floating around - it doesn't make a difference if i'm dead or alive and the only life i affect is my own, for better or for worse. occasionally, today for example, i find myself face to face with my own influence and the consequences of my own actions which aren't usually as corporeal as i'd like to think. i'm fortunate that today the consequence was positive, but i know it won't always be that way. how do i snap out of this sort of derealization when the world is real but i feel like i am not?

[honamafus]

trust issues

hey chat how do i trust that i'm enough for the people around me?

my trust issues tend to be the worst with relationships and my current situation is no exception, but i feel myself falling out of trusting others around me, too. i'm learning things that were kept secret from me intentionally. my parents are falling back into their old habits of lying. people i care about lie about their mood to make me feel better. should i be honored?

part of it is hypocritical but i'm willing to change. please change with me. i don't know how i'm supposed to do any of this alone.

[honamafus]

trampoline reflections

did i just post yes i did. but there's something about seeing my text on a screen that makes me want to continue to word vomit. here i am world

a few days ago my friend and i were talking about how we had gotten older, and how it scared me in particular because i wasn't used to the feeling of being a Responsible Adult (whatever that means). i'm grateful for him because he talked me through it in a really strange way that's so much like him and it grounded me when i was starting to spiral.

coming back to the topic with a clearer head, i wonder how i'll feel about the prospect of growing up a few years in the future. maybe i'll sip alcohol which i swore i'd never do, talking with someone who i've never even thought of at this point in time. what will be different? where will i live? could i consider myself to be fundamentally the same person? the obvious answer would be yes but what makes us ourselves? if two people touch, the feeling will remain but the dna will leave each of them. will i still have fragments of my loved ones a few years from now? will i have different loved ones to touch? will i have anyone? will i have myself?

going onto pointless questions at this point so i'm stopping myself here to avoid spiraling. i wonder what will be nostalgic for me in the future

[honamafus]

additionally -

there are things i tried on that not even the people closest to me know about, because the people who are closest to me now didn't know me when i was struggling.

i'm dealt a deck of cards with foreign languages written in colors that i can't see and i spend years trying to decipher what even one of them says. eventually i'll scrape by, but a few years later i'm belittled for it. 'you're so terrible.' what would you have thought of me if i didn't try at all? would you even see a difference?

spending the night with someone you love

i was looking forward to this as some sort of solace, or maybe a reward for getting through the week? although to be completely honest i'm not sure what i did to deserve it.

i'm noticing a pattern of not trying and succeeding, then trying and failing. it's demotivating when repeatedly my hopes and efforts are the things that get shot down rather than the things that i have little care for.

i spent my days in secondary getting by with what little mental strength i felt like putting out there and eventually that getting by led to excelling. i see the people around me that have to try to get halfway as far as i did and i wonder if the world is punishing me for something i never even asked for. the punishment i get for not trying and succeeding is failure when i put forth my best effort; but i never wanted to succeed at things i didn't care about.

i put effort into loving and being loved. i put effort into being desirable and fitting into an ideal while not losing myself but it feels like the more i hold onto whatever i know about myself the more i lose the people around me. is that some sort of karmic retribution as well? you got through most of your life being strung along by others (although it was more like you handed them a leash and said "here, take me, i don't know who i am") and now that you have a sense of personality, the same people that threw the leash back at you are now disgusted at what you've become. if there's any winning in this cycle i'd love to get to it sooner rather than later.

[honamafus]

spending the night with someone you love

i was looking forward to this as some sort of solace, or maybe a reward for getting through the week? although to be completely honest i'm not sure what i did to deserve it.

i'm noticing a pattern of not trying and succeeding, then trying and failing. it's demotivating when repeatedly my hopes and efforts are the things that get shot down rather than the things that i have little care for.

i spent my days in secondary getting by with what little mental strength i felt like putting out there and eventually that getting by led to excelling. i see the people around me that have to try to get halfway as far as i did and i wonder if the world is punishing me for something i never even asked for. the punishment i get for not trying and succeeding is failure when i put forth my best effort; but i never wanted to succeed at things i didn't care about.

i put effort into loving and being loved. i put effort into being desirable and fitting into an ideal while not losing myself but it feels like the more i hold onto whatever i know about myself the more i lose the people around me. is that some sort of karmic retribution as well? you got through most of your life being strung along by others (although it was more like you handed them a leash and said "here, take me, i don't know who i am") and now that you have a sense of personality, the same people that threw the leash back at you are now disgusted at what you've become. if there's any winning in this cycle i'd love to get to it sooner rather than later.