hellsite-detective

[hellsite-detective]

yo this going to sound really weird but I was searching up people I follow/mutuals (tumblr) on insta to see if I could find them after I found someone I follow out in the wild

anyways I found you and am thinking would I be weird if I followed you? also im anon but you can probably guess who I am lol

ah that’s absolutely okay!!! you tracked me down using your own detective work and for that you get the prize of following me over there!!

i won’t be giving it out publicly tho, if you all want it you have to track it down yourself!!

#also i’m dumb and don’t know who this is #i’m super curious tho hehe #i’ll find out soon! #ask #hellsite detective #not a post case #the detective responds

[hellsite-detective]

Happy birthday detective! I hope you and Madame Curator are celebrating it together with loads of cake! Here’s some from me! 🍰

unfortunately me and Madame Curator are still long distance (but i’m accepting donations to help us move towards our goal of living together! my ko-fi is linked in my pinned) but tonight i’ll be calling her so we can celebrate together!!! i truly wish she was here so we could celebrate irl, but one day we shall!! i look forward to that day~

#i love her so much omg omg #my love for her is eternal and infinite #hellsite hall of fame #ask #hellsite detective #not a post case #the detective responds

[hellsite-detective]

you have the same bd as some rando hardcore introverted otaku in a dating simulator

as someone who has been referred to countless times as “the real life Rae Taylor” i take this as not only a compliment, but a completely accurate assessment of who i am!

#well i’m more himejoshi than regular otaku #yuri is my life i love it #ask #hellsite detective #not a post case #the detective responds

[hellsite-detective]

maybe gerard way was born 1 month too early to be you....

ah perhaps!! i am clearly more famous than Gerard Way he wishes he was me!

also i really hope it becomes some sort of running joke here where everyone wishes me happy birthday on march 9th instead omg

#happy birthday to me! the late gerard way #not late as in dead wait #ask #hellsite detective #not a post case #the detective responds

[hellsite-detective]

gasp your birthday’s march 9th are you gerard way?

i love this ask because it’s distinctly April 9th omg

i was born one month late to be Gerard Way

#ask #hellsite detective #not a post case #the detective responds

[hellsite-detective]

#woah what could me posting this today mean?? #hellsite detective

[hellsite-detective]

yo guess who...

uuhhhh i’m terrible at guessing omg

who is it?? i wanna knoowww!!!

#once again a mystery individual!!! #please reveal yourself oh strangers! #ask #hellsite detective #not a post case #the detective responds

[hellsite-detective]

Reminder: you are loved and appreciated and so great and everyone thinks you're so cool

- someone you know

omg i genuinely wonder who this is thank you so so much!!!! this is so kind!!!

but i’m a biiit dumb and shockingly i can’t figure this out (despite being a detective oops) but still if you wanna reveal yourself please do!! i’m curious!!

#but also thank you again omg #kind words are always appreciated!!! #ask #hellsite detective #not a post case #the detective responds

[hellsite-detective]

Yooo! I drew you some fanart on class instead of doing workkkk

(ignore the feet idk how to draw shoes just pretend it's steel toes boots)

WOAH OMG IM SO COOOL

the feet genuinely look really good honestly!!! i personally wanna imagine that i’m just wearing socks

but i look so good omg this is amazing thank you!!!!

#its been a while since ive gotten fan art #i always love when i get some!! #hellsite detective #ask #not a post case #the detective responds

[hellsite-detective]

HIII OMG HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?? HOWS LIFE?

OH THIS REMINDS ME I NEED TO DO A LIFE UPDATE POST

so i guess i’ll do that here hehe

hello all! this is Hellsite Detective, P.P.I. coming back to give everyone a proper update on everything!!

now, i sorta started this hiatus kinda suddenly, and i still don’t know when i’ll be back (so sorry for that btw i feel baaad), but things have been… interesting to say the least! my job has been going okay, but it’s really stressful and it hasn’t been ideal for my mental health. but im pushing through it! i need the money so i can finally move out of my parents house!

and on the topic of mental health… my therapy has been going great!!! there’s still a long way to go, but at the very least our experiences were validated by a licensed professional!!! i won’t get into the details here, but if you’re curious feel free to ask about it! i don’t mind talking about it, especially now that it’s official hehe

but besides that, i’ve just been relaxing! i’ve collected more yuri manga! i need to get to actually reading it now tho oops. i’ve also gotten back into Stardew Valley!! i’ve been having a blast discovering all the new things from 1.6 as well as hanging out with my pixel girlfriend Penny! additionally, i’ve made great progress on my novel series, as well as beginning to develop a WataOshi AU, so overall my writing has been going wonderfully too!!!

i think overall life has been good!! i have my dear @hellsite-hall-of-fame to thank for keeping me sane and happy (i love you sweetie~!) and i think everything is gonna be okay! again, im still not sure when ill be back, but i will be one day!! i’ve been seeing all of your requests, and sometimes i see one that just gets me itching to get back into it. so i’m sure one day ill be back! i promise!

until then, feel free to ask me about life, or about my interests, or just to check in and say hi! i haven’t expressed this sentiment yet i don’t think, but i absolutely love discussing non-post case related things on here! everyone on here is genuinely so wonderful!! so please feel free to send in any ask you want!!! i would love to talk to everyone more about stuff, and this hiatus is a great opportunity to do that!!

but that’s all for now! thank you for sticking with me, thank you for being so patient, and you all have a great day!

signed,

- Hellsite Detective, P.P.I.

#reblogging this for mid day so more people see it! #also hello miallurk i hope you’ve been well!!!! #also i forgot to tag this post omg i’m doing that not #ask #hellsite detective #not a post case #the detective responds

[hellsite-detective]

HIII OMG HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?? HOWS LIFE?

OH THIS REMINDS ME I NEED TO DO A LIFE UPDATE POST

so i guess i’ll do that here hehe

hello all! this is Hellsite Detective, P.P.I. coming back to give everyone a proper update on everything!!

now, i sorta started this hiatus kinda suddenly, and i still don’t know when i’ll be back (so sorry for that btw i feel baaad), but things have been… interesting to say the least! my job has been going okay, but it’s really stressful and it hasn’t been ideal for my mental health. but im pushing through it! i need the money so i can finally move out of my parents house!

and on the topic of mental health… my therapy has been going great!!! there’s still a long way to go, but at the very least our experiences were validated by a licensed professional!!! i won’t get into the details here, but if you’re curious feel free to ask about it! i don’t mind talking about it, especially now that it’s official hehe

but besides that, i’ve just been relaxing! i’ve collected more yuri manga! i need to get to actually reading it now tho oops. i’ve also gotten back into Stardew Valley!! i’ve been having a blast discovering all the new things from 1.6 as well as hanging out with my pixel girlfriend Penny! additionally, i’ve made great progress on my novel series, as well as beginning to develop a WataOshi AU, so overall my writing has been going wonderfully too!!!

i think overall life has been good!! i have my dear @hellsite-hall-of-fame to thank for keeping me sane and happy (i love you sweetie~!) and i think everything is gonna be okay! again, im still not sure when ill be back, but i will be one day!! i’ve been seeing all of your requests, and sometimes i see one that just gets me itching to get back into it. so i’m sure one day ill be back! i promise!

until then, feel free to ask me about life, or about my interests, or just to check in and say hi! i haven’t expressed this sentiment yet i don’t think, but i absolutely love discussing non-post case related things on here! everyone on here is genuinely so wonderful!! so please feel free to send in any ask you want!!! i would love to talk to everyone more about stuff, and this hiatus is a great opportunity to do that!!

but that’s all for now! thank you for sticking with me, thank you for being so patient, and you all have a great day!

signed,

- Hellsite Detective, P.P.I.

#also hello miallurk i hope you’ve been well!!!! #also i forgot to tag this post omg i’m doing that not #ask #hellsite detective #not a post case #the detective responds

[hellsite-detective]

this isn't about a post, but about a place!! I need to know all information available on "The Crab Hole"!! tis a mystery!!

an interestin' request, and quite frankly out of my jurisdiction as far as my work is considered. but i did some diggin' nonetheless. headin' down to the Search Bar, i approached Google for some help. now, the big fella was ready for me to ask for a post, but what i had up my sleeve took them by surprise. i simply spoke six words to him...

i need to see your maps.

they almost spit out the drink they'd been so slyly sippin' on since i approached. they sent their girls away and asked their low-level lackeys to clear the table. they quickly shuffled their little poker game back into the deck and the Don laid out the maps and asked me where i was lookin' to go. i simply asked for "the Crab Hole." stunned, the Don started searchin', unsure exactly what i was lookin' for. their goons exchanged glances of worry, but their boss eventually found one spot. some nowhere joint up in Upstate New York. far from the rainy streets of Tumblr City, that's for sure, but that didn't matter to me. i asked for a phone number, but the Don just shook their head. i asked for a website, business hours, anythin' that could help me. but nothing. nada. zilch. everythin' came up short. to make matters stranger, the reviews only raised more questions. who was the class of 2009? what "fungschwei" does this place have? and what exactly was a "Wacky Blaster?"

and most importantly... was this place even real?

unfortunately, that's where the trail went cold. i didn't know exactly what to make of any of this, or if this could even be solved. either way, i was curious. maybe too curious...

Post Crab: Gone Hole'd

#this is going up on april fools #but i am genuinely curious wtf this place even is?? #if anyone has visited this place id love to know?? #ask #hellsite detective #post case gone cold

[hellsite-detective]

Left beef

a rather simple request for a pretty iconic post...

i would've gone down to the Search Bar, but no. i knew exactly who had this post. instead i went uptown to the museum of post-based oddities, the Hellsite Hall of Fame. i entered that labyrinthine art gallery, its hallways constantly shifting and changing as the non-Euclidean structure morphed around me. this was a place that seemed to be designed to get you trapped in it's never-ending halls, but i had no problem moving through it. i knew the Void's tricks, and i knew how to outsmart it. i was quickly able to find that iconic food order laid out before me, framed like the Mona Lisa itself. i snapped a picture of it, not wanting to steal the actual art, and left the museum...

here you are! now, i'm not sure if this really was a request, but it gave me an excuse to visit my dear Madame Curator's establishment, so i'm not complainin'! have a great day!

Post Case: Closed

#ive actually asked madame curator several times to eat this pizza with me #shes turned me down every time #i even suggested having the vanilla extract cake with it too! #and maybe a creme brulee (but thats just the wataoshi fan in me talking) #none pizza with left beef #ask #hellsite detective #post case closed

[hellsite-detective]

hey everyone i’m so sorry to have to announce this so suddenly, but because of work starting up and my mental health kind of getting worse, ive fallen behind on work. i’m gonna be taking another hiatus and im not entirely sure how long this one will last, but i promise i WILL be back!!!

again i am so so sorry to do this! i’ll be back, i promise!!! until then, don’t forget about me!!

#i feel so bad posting this omg #i promised everyone i would be back this week and i let them down #so i’m very very sorry!! #i’ll be back eventually i promise you all #hellsite detective

[hellsite-detective]

Hi there, detective! Can you find me the post where someone is viciously hating on olaf? "Brr brr, im olaf the fuckshit snowfucker!"

lookin' outside, i noticed the rain in the city had suddenly turned to snow, and people were out buildin' snowmen on every street corner. this was a rare taste of cheer in the normally dreary city. good timin', considerin' the job that came across my desk. so, i through on my scarf and headed out into the cold to track this post down. stoppin' by the Search Bar, i found Google drinkin' some hot chocolate at their usual table. i approached them and asked them for "tumblr im olaf the fuckshit snowfucker." they chuckled and slid the post i was lookin' for across the table.

here you are! yknow, i can't possibly comprehend why someone hates this snowman so much, but i suppose i can't judge! have a great day!

Post Case: Snowed

#people have passionate feelings about the strangest things omg #but i love it #olaf the snowman #shitstick the snow dick #frozen #ask #hellsite detective #post case closed

[hellsite-detective]

a paper airplane flys in through the window, when unfolded its reads:

Hello hellsite PI, i have a very specific request for you. It begins with a post from @facts-i-just-made-up about pools with black tile and leads to… planetary ending events for lack of a better word. Thanks in advance.

i was bein' asked to find a post regardin' black tiles in a pool and how they could lead to a zombie apocalypse. i was naturally curious about how these things correlate, so i went straight to the source blog to inquire about it. doin' a search for "pools" got me the post i was lookin' for rather quickly, allowin' me to file it away with no problem.

here you are! your post! i gotta say, this is quite the fascinatin' piece of trivia from a totally reputable source! have a great day!

Post Case: Closed

#let it be known i read the post all the way through and believed every word of it #that was until i realized that the account was in fact called “facts i just made up” #im gullible #unreality #ask #hellsite detective #post case closed

[hellsite-detective]

I saw someone screenshot this post recently without reblogging. No usernames, sadly.

Can you find this?

findin' this one proved to be no trouble at all. all i needed to do was head down to the Search Bar and ask Google for "tumblr texas crematorium you kill 'em" and got the post immediately. i was able fo file it away no problem...

here you are! an absolutely iconic post, and one of my personal favorites! have a great day!

Post Case: Closed

#i love this post so much omg #its just really funny aaaaa #ask #hellsite detective #post case closed