haileyintheskywithdiamonds
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Dear journal,
The teenage girl experience is something that I think has permanently escaped the hands of reality. Everything I see makes me feel more detached if that makes sense.
Sitting across from the boy in my language arts class, staying perfectly silent, only talking when I feel like he’d approve. That concept is something i’ve been taught to do. Keep my mouth shut because the people you don’t know, the people who talk to more people, who get invited to parties, who have so many friends, who are never alone on the weekends, will judge me more than they already have if one wrong word slips out. Harder yet is when you’ve already been placed in the weird box. Hearing people say things like “Oh you’re not what I thought you’d be like…you’re so much more normal than in middle school” may seem like a compliment coming from your lips but stabs me right in the chest.
Seeing my Best Friends ex boyfriend move on, talking to our other friend. Knowing that seeing them together kills her just a little bit inside, killing me. This sense of extreme second hand betrayal I can never shake off of me. Like a disgusting film covering my skin.
Not knowing peoples names. Hearing about them all the time. Hearing about parties. How my friends got shitfaced drunk while I, uninvited, sat alone crying on my bed. I wish I was the girl people loved. People wanted to talk to. I’ve tried so hard to break the mould made for me since elementary school by these faces that I have memorized. I cant though. It all seems so desperate. To sit idly by while life keeps speeding by. I only have so little time.
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Dear Journal,
Yesterday was so so busy oh my god. My grandma is moving into an assisted care facility so we had to take things from her condo to her new apartment which took literally all day, but the condo had a nice view so it wasn’t completely miserable! I missed my girlfriend a lot, but i get to see her later today so i’m very excited! I’m not really used to a whole digital journal thing so I guess this entry is me just figuring it out but i’m excited to see where this goes! Personal update my favorite food right now is just plain oatmeal? I morphed into a slop girl. I found a little pill bug in my grandmas yard and he got named gerber baby. Also like I think my grandma is convinced we won’t talk to her ever again because when we left her new apartment she said “keep in touch!” like damn ok grandma. She spent her time watching naked and afraid and graced me with the knowledge that “They’re afraid because they’re naked and in africa”
11-4-23
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