goldenagenonsense

[goldenagenonsense]

Action Comics #5 [October 1938]

After last issue, I feel like there’s not much that can unpleasantly surprise me. Superman’s questionable morality aside, we have a ways to go before we even get to Batman, much less Marvel comics and whatever else I find. It’s also a shorter story today - nine pages instead of thirteen. Hopefully that’ll make it a bit easier to go through!

Not much to say about the cover. Could be vaguely racist. That is not my problem.

On the other hand, the pre-story ad page had me double-take for a second when I thought it was Oliver Queen. But no, it was just a random dude with the same facial hair and haircut. Though now that makes me wonder what situation poor Ollie could have been caught up in to end up in a flooding dungeon.

We open up this story to telegraph lines broadcasting news of a terrible disaster. The Valleyho Dam is cracking under the strain of a huge downpour; should it give way, a mountain of water will sweep down the valley, killing thousands and destroying fertile land.

…you know, I think I saw a clip of this story before, when I was watching a youtube video on Superman. It pulled on some clips from an animated series that was clearly based on these original tales. Dunno when said series was animated and broadcast, but I kind of want to track them down and watch them, since they’re tied into this whole ‘golden age’ thing. Probably will be a while, though, if ever. Don’t want to spoil myself on content that’s 85 years old.

[Friend insert:

Solem: That'd be the Fleischer series. Classic short films from back when animation was too expensive to be shown in anything but cinemas, made in 1941 and 1942.]

Sounds like I have something to look forward to then in the nearish future!

At the Daily Star, the editor-in-chief demands Clark be brought to him. Lois tells him that Clark’s not in the office; the editor tells her to look for him and have him report in before he loses his mind. Lois asks why she can’t handle the assignment. The editor says it’s too important for a girl. Lois is not impressed with that logic, thinking mildly violent thoughts as she heads out.

Coincidentally, Clark is just outside the building. She puts on an eager air as she approaches him. Clark is shocked she’s actually happy to see him. She asks him to do her a favor and cover an assignment for him; he leaps on the task, eager to please. She tells him to head to the local hospital’s maternity ward, since a Mrs. Mahoney is expecting… septuplets? (My god, that poor woman. Someone help her. Can a person even have that many kids at once?) Clark thanks Lois for the chance to handle it. 

While Lois is getting herself a ticket to Valleyho, Clark is at the hospital, learning that Lois lied to him. Gasp! Honestly, that makes way more sense than having to worry about the poor theoretical woman he could have had to deal with. Clark starts to make his way back to the office, wondering if Lois double-crossed him.

The editor is not pleased when he finally shows his face - the biggest news story in months on the fire, and Clark wasted time at a hospital?? Clark tries to explain that he didn’t know, but the editor isn’t hearing it - the last train’s already left! Clark’s fired, he can report to the cashier.

Clark, however, has bigger fish to fry. He finds himself an empty room and strips out of his work suit, revealing he had his costume on underneath, cape included. Which, you know what, sure, why the fuck not. Maybe he just keeps the cape in his briefcase and puts it on afterward. 

Superman leaves the Daily Star from the roof, leaping out into the night. Leap after leap, covering huge distances, until he’s caught up to the train that Lois is on. He hits the ground running, quickly outpacing the train, all while smugly thinking about how if Lois thinks she can scoop him, she’s got another thing coming! 

He quickly reaches a bridge the train is set to go over - only to stop when he notices something wrong. A torrent has loosened the bridge’s supports, causing the track to tilt at an angle that makes a wreck inevitable. The train whistles in the distance - there’s no time to lose. Without a moment’s hesitation, Superman dives forward, seizing the supports and starting to push until the tracks level out again. He holds it in place as the train passes by, then allows it to crash. 

The passengers are startled at the sound, quickly gathering at the windows to see what happened. They gape at the collapsed bridge behind them, one of them commenting on how they’d be dead if it’d happened an instant earlier. The drivers note that they need to send a warning at the next junction for the other trains.

When the train arrives at Valleyho, Lois has to fight through everyone getting on board. She quickly flags down a taxi, but the driver wants nothing to do with going to the dam - she can have the car, he’s getting out of there! Lois, not to be deterred, does take the taxi for a spin, speeding her way to the dam. 

God, Lois truly is her best self, in full gremlin mode. She will get her story, dammit, even if it means throwing herself bodily into danger. It’s good to know that that’s been a core trait of hers right from the start. I already think this is my favorite story so far, and it’s half because of her.

Meanwhile, Superman’s struggling to hold the dam together, desperate to buy the people below enough time to evacuate. 

(Which, can I just say, this is the other half of the reason this story is delighting me - we’re seeing the core of the hero that we’re most familiar with 85 years later, the man who has incredible power and uses it to save lives. Like, yeah, the bits with him tackling rich people corruption, including flexing his investigator skills, is well and good, and gives a showcase of what he as Clark capable of. But him holding the dam together to buy the people below time to escape is just. Mmm. That’s the core of Superman we all are familiar with.)

Eventually, even Superman isn’t enough to keep the dam up; with a huge roar, it falls to pieces, sending floodwater roaring down the valley. Superman leaps above the turbulent rapids - but Lois can’t do the same, stuck in her taxi as the waters rush towards her. Superman spies the car, and rushes to save her, but the waters are faster, dragging the vehicle under and along for the ride. Lois braces herself, expecting a watery death -

Only to be pulled from the car by Superman, who quickly rushes towards the surface with her in his arms. Once they’re on the shore and Superman can readjust her, so she’s in a more comfortable bridal carry, he takes off like a shot, racing ahead of the floodwaters. 

Lois stirs, holding on tightly as he leaps up to a high pinnacle. He sets her down so he can put all of his strength into pushing on the rock; soon enough, the peak starts to crack, cascading downwards into the path of the water. The rocks seal up the mountain gap entirely, forcing the water to take another route away from the town.

Superman exhales in relief - that had been too close. Lois is ecstatic, gushing about how he saved all those people, before declaring that she could - and would - kiss him. Superman starts to refuse, only to be cut off by the kiss, temporarily dazed afterward from how good it was, much to her amusement. 

Superman sweeps her off her feet soon after, taking her to someplace she’ll be safe - where he’ll be safe from her as well. During the trip, she talks about how the first time he’d carried her like that, she’d been frightened - of the trip and of him. But now she loves it, and him! When he finally sets her down at Valleyho town, she begs him to stay, but Superman merely wishes her well and takes off.

Soon after, Clark calls in, stating that he’d gotten himself a plane to Valleyho and had some sensational news. He asks if he’s rehired; based on his reply afterward, the answer seems to be yes! When he finally leaves the phone booth, Lois happens to be there. Clark states that while the stunt she pulled wasn’t nice, he still likes her. Lois snubs him, thinking about how Clark is a spineless worm she can hardly bear to look at, especially after having been in the arms of a real man.

And with that, this story is a wrap! Wow! Short, but I loved it. This feels like the first establishing moment for both of them, in multiple ways. Here’s to hoping we get more stories like this going forward!

#action comics #dc comics #superman

[goldenagenonsense]

Action Comics #4 [September 1938]

Since I don’t have anything particularly witty to start off with, I’ll just dive right on into things. 

The cover, once again, is not superhero-related, but damn if that’s not the most sinister mountie I’ve ever seen, like what the fuck. What kind of horror movie nonsense is happening elsewhere in this issue that I won’t be seeing because I’m focusing only on the superhero related stories?

[Insert from friends:

[Solem] Funny thing is, that cover has absolutely nothing to do with the contents of the book. The RCMP did occasionally get action heroes in comics or radio (my father is a childhood fanboy of "Sargent Preston of the Yukon") but they didn't ever run one in Action Comics that I can find.

It wasn't uncommon in the Golden Age for covers to not match up with the contents of the book, it had to do with their production schedule. For Action Comics they'd go for communicating "manly action" to draw readers in with the vibe; pulp magazines and books did similar things.

Though my favorite example is one of the old Blue Beetle comics, where the cover proudly boasted the introduction of his new sidekick Sparky, only for the first page to sheepishly admit that they didn't get the story finished in time and actually Sparky (real name Sparkington J. Northrup, swear to god) would be introduced in the next issue.

(Fun fact -- Sparky's technically in the public domain, but DC recently brought a version of him back into continuity in the Stargirl and the Lost Children miniseries)]

Right, well, I can consider names for the theoretical mountie-themed supervillain later. For now, let’s see what Superman is up to.

Oh boy, this is a flashback to high school and those whole ‘drunk driving’ seminars. Our high school even staged an accident in the parking lot one year and made a whole big deal about it, police officers and everything. Wild.

A crowd gathers around the victim, sticking close while waiting for an ambulance to arrive. High overhead, Superman leaps into action, having witnessed the hit-and-run (called a hit-skip in the comic). Probably from the Daily Star office? And so he’s ducked out in order to help? Hard to say. 

Superman’s leap carries him all the way to a railroad track, where he just barely keeps himself from face-planting into a high-speed train. Coincidentally, this is the same track that the hit-skipper has stalled on, and the train is approaching fast. Which has me wondering if this is gonna be the first instance of the whole ‘Superman stopping a train to save a person on the tracks’ thing.

Inside the engine, one of the drivers is sneaking a bit of alcohol while his co-driver’s back is turned. Only, when he peers out the window, he is stunned on seeing a man outracing the train. The driver tries to tell his co-driver about it, but the man dismisses it as a drunken hallucination.

Meanwhile, Superman reaches the car and warns the man that they need to jump. The man tries to get away, but Superman is having none of it, since the train would kill them both. Which, what? Would a speeding train be enough to kill Superman? I mean, his introduction DID say that ‘nothing short of a bursting shell could break skin,’ and a train by dint of sheer mass probably has a lot more force behind it. If it did kill him, it’d probably be akin to seeing a bug smashed on a car windshield.

(I will do my best to resist the urge to put in too many Ant-Man jokes.)

But then again, he did take the force of a plane face-first without any issue, so… was that simply not enough mass+speed to affect him, or was he just being cautious because he wasn’t sure if he could take a train to the face or not? I imagine that, even if you are super-durable, you probably don’t want to test your luck on something that much bigger than yourself.

Eh, in any case, Superman leaps out of the car with the driver in hand, just in time to avoid the train hitting the car at full speed - which, yikes, I know cars were made with a lot more metal back then, that can’t have been good for the train even if it’s the bigger vehicle. Speaking of not good, Superman checks on the driver, only to find that he’s dead of a heart attack. Which is not exactly shocking considering he was drunk and already stressed from the hit-and-run PLUS the train PLUS the weirdo in spandex who outran and out-jumped a freaking train.

With not much else to do, Superman slips in through one of the train’s windows into a private room of the pull-man car - just as someone else is entering. He ducks behind a couch and listens in as the men comment on the train stopping because of the auto (figures, hitting that much metal can’t be good for the train) and then turn to more sinister discussions. Specifically, football.

Yes, sinister football. Apparently, one of the men - Randall - is the football coach at Dale, and is at risk of losing his job if he doesn’t win the upcoming game against Cordell. So no matter the cost, he has to win it. The men with him agree to help him out with his plot, calling themselves expensive but effective. He accepts their offer, and reminds them that they need to get several players out of the game immediately. The hired hands assure him that rough stuff is their specialty.

I would bet there’s at least a dozen jokes to be made here, mostly with regard to that one movie with the angel playing baseball. Like, I know the premise of that movie is supposedly the angel rigging the game, while Supes here is counter-rigging the game, but like, it’s the same kind of premise. And hey, Supes is even from the heavens, technically! Narrative parallels. 

Superman waits for the three to depart before mulling over what he heard - a crooked coach hiring thugs to play football - just the sort of set-up he likes to tear down! 

The next day, Clark Kent looks at Cordell’s football material, trying to find an in. He comes across a photo-clipping of Tommy Burke, who he looks similar enough to, in order to disguise himself. When he gets home, he dons a bit of grease paint, and comments on how even Tommy’s own mother wouldn’t be able to tell them apart.

Speaking of Tommy, we switch over to where he’s talking to his girlfriend Mary. Or, well, ex-girlfriend - she’s decided to dump him, since despite sixish years as a substitute, he’s never once been in a game. She’s ashamed of him, wanted a proper football hero. He asks if she’s gonna look for a new boyfriend; turns out, she already has one - a tennis champ by the name of Wallace Dood, a real athlete. 

Tommy walks home, despondent, too caught up in his own frustration and dreams of making it big to notice the man trailing him. Eventually, the stalker calls to him, causing him to startle and turn, wondering if this is a hold-up - only to get the shock of his life at seeing another him.

Clark tells him he’s mistaken - he’s not looking at Tommy Burke, substitute, but Tommy Burke, the greatest football player of all time! For some unknown reason, this distresses Tommy further, pushing him to attack. However, his attack is interrupted with the sting of a hypodermic needle, which quickly knocks him out.

I have absolutely no words to describe the emotional journey I went through on this page. I felt bad for Tommy over being dumped and cheated on, then rolled my eyes at his minor (but I would say somewhat justified) venting, then surprise at Clark somehow managing to exactly match Tommy’s suit, and then a touch of horror at Clark actually stabbing Tommy with a knock-out drug with plans to outright kidnap and replace him. Like, what the FUCK, Superman???? What in the actual goddamn hell is wrong with you???? 

The next page doesn’t get much better, what with Tommy waking up to find himself a prisoner in his own apartment. The drug is still in his system, keeping him from getting up or doing more than moving his arms a bit (or so it seems). He’s scared and wants to know what was done to him and why; Superman tells him not to worry, that he’s just been rendered passive, and that Supes is borrowing his life for a few days, before cheerfully leaving Tommy to himself in his apartment.

While drugged, so he can’t even get up to feed himself, or use the bathroom, or any other number of things a person needs to do each day. Which, again, I understand this is a comic book, but also, WHAT THE FUCK. Superman is so fucking. I can’t even with him. Not to mention, Tommy is in university. What classes is he taking, who is he friends with outside of football, does he have any tests, SUPERMAN YOU CAN’T JUST DO THIS TO SOMEONE.

Supes reports to the locker room, wondering if he’ll be able to get away with it. He walks in as casually as possible, greeting the others, and in turn being mocked by the others for being a professional bench warmer and that they want to see what a ‘real football player’ looks like. Supes ignores the taunts and starts trying to guess which locker is Tommy’s, ultimately just guessing at random. Naturally, he’s wrong, and gets an annoyed football player in his face for it. The guy tries to throw a few punches in Supe’s face and gut, but Supes just takes them with a grin and a taunt of his own.

Alright, fantastic, time for the beginning of my ‘out of context panels’ collection, this time featuring some of the boys talking about how well ‘Burke’ is taking those hits. Or taking something, anyway.

The first man’s smirk is exactly my expression when I realized this panel was a gift. I should save it as a reaction image.

Despite Superman’s inhuman ability to take a pounding, he decides to end things with a love tap, one strong enough to throw Martin back into a wall, knocking him right out. Cordell’s coach, Oliver Stanley, comes in to check on the noise, only to be shocked by Martin’s state. Supes plays meek, but the coach is having none of it, telling him to get out of uniform and off the team.

As the rest of the team goes into their practice game, a benched player(?) laments how things just don’t feel the same without Burke on the bench. The coach is also concerned - Burke’s usually meek as a lamb, but today…

Back in the locker room, Supes groans about his fuck-ups so far, before shaking himself off and putting on the rest of the uniform. Orders or no orders, he’s going out there to show the coach a thing or two!

The other players notice him quickly, and prepare themselves for how mad the coach will be when he sees ‘Burke’ out on the field. A ball flies towards an open part of the field - only for Supes to dash out and manage to snag it. This, unsurprisingly, catches the coach’s attention, his temper already taking off as he snaps at the other players to grab him and throw him out of the field on his ear.

As for the other guy, I guess they’re a sub-coach? Student learner? I don’t know enough about sports, but the guy’s shirt says ‘coach’ and he defers to the guy in the trenchcoat, so like. I’ll just refer to him as the sub-coach from here on out.

Superman doesn’t let the other players converging upon him bother him, content to leisurely trot towards the opposite goal with a cocky attitude. The coach doesn’t buy it, eager to watch ‘Burke’ get taken down by the rest of the team. 

Martin’s the first to reach him, throwing more punches in revenge for the locker incident and the love tap. Supes quickly gets around him, much to the sub-coach’s shock, but the coach waves it off as an accident - he’d have to be an acrobat to get past the rest! …which Supes proceeds to pull off by leaping on the next player’s shoulders, and using that to spring over the head of two others. Sub-coach is shook, commenting on how ‘Burke’ is halfway down the field and probably going to make it. Again, the coach dismisses it as fool’s luck, and that there’s no way he’ll get past the ‘unbeatables,’ aka Stevens, Burns, and Lewiston.

The entire team piles onto Superman, which elates the coach… only for it to be a trick, since Supes is able to just keep dashing down the field with the rest of the team hanging onto him. Very normal and non-suspicious there, pal. He shakes off the players just before crossing the line, with sub-coach calling out the touchdown.

The entire team is impressed, with the coach demanding to know if ‘Burke’ has been holding out on him. And to think he’s left the guy on the bench for six entire seasons! Sub-coach replies that ‘Burke’ can be in their last game, the one that decides the championship.

Soon after, Coach Stanley calls in to the newspaper to brag about ‘Burke’ to the sports editor. Said editor, probably for a local paper already familiar with the players on the team, thinks it’s a gag call, since everyone knows Burke is the joke of the team. Despite that, an article does get printed - satirical, but still good publicity. At least according to Supes, who’s reading said article in Burke’s apartment, while Burke himself is drinking tea or coffee or something.

Again. What the fuck. Why is Burke not doing anything about this??? Comic books, man.

Over at Dale, coach Randall thinks that, even if the paper is playing up Burke as a clown, it’d still be better to make Cordell’s star player ‘disappear.’ The hired thugs reply that they’ll make sure he’s gone until the game is over.

Over the next few days, the Cordell team practices for the big game, while the coach and sub-coach wonder how ‘Burke’ got so good overnight. If the coach knew, he’d be the greatest in the world. As that game wraps up, the coach tells the players that the big game is the next day, so remember: early to bed, no drinking, no smoking!

That evening, the hired thugs from Dale approach Burke’s apartment, breaking in and tying Burke up. They only briefly wonder at his lack of struggle, not noticing Superman observing them from the molding overhead. Seems he had already drugged Burke with a sleep-inducer once again, like, what the FUCK Superman. Despite the seediness of this situation, it does leave him in a perfect position to chase after the kidnappers’ car, somehow without being noticed in his suit.

Burke wakes up in the abandoned house the thugs brought him to, and he’s nervous and confused as well. When he asks, the thugs tell him he’s been put somewhere he can’t get to tomorrow’s game. He tries to tell them he’s just a substitute, and that he’s not - the thugs cut him off, clarifying his name and that that’s all they need to know before gagging him. 

Damn, Tommy has had a really shit week, hasn’t he? Dumped by a girlfriend who was already cheating on him, drugged and kidnapped by a lookalike pretending to be him for the next week, and then kidnapped by thugs who are clearly after the lookalike and not him. Please, someone get this man a break and maybe a milkshake.

Superman, observing all this, just shrugs at this situation with a grin; Burke is off his hands, and they mean him no physical harm! I want to say this is a dick move, but considering that he’s also culpable of basically the same thing, I am not surprised that he’s like this. : V

The next morning, the crowds pack into the stadium, unaware they are about to witness the most amazing football game of all time. Coach Randall drops in on Coach Stanley to gloat about Burke being missing, only to be shocked when he sees ‘Burke’ sitting there, ready to be introduced by Stanley. Soon after, Supes manages to get Randall alone, and threatens to expose him and all his shady shit if he doesn’t fire the thugs and resign as coach. Randall plays dumb, but is furious; when he gets to the locker room, he chastises the thugs for letting ‘Burke’ escape and so risking their exposure. One of the thugs pull out a knife and reply that he won’t. When the Cordell team hits the field, the thugs prepare to attack Supes. The game starts, and Supes is already off like a shot, ball in hand.

Meanwhile, the real Burke has escaped his binds and managed to flag down a taxi, asking them to get him to the football field as fast as possible. I wish him luck in figuring out all this nonsense happening.

Down on the field, Supes is bowling through the opposition like bowling pins, scoring a goal - and then another goal right after the next kickoff. The commentator, much like all the rest of the crowds, apparently doesn’t think something is wildly suspicious about a man scoring two touchdowns in the space of a few seconds, which is like ??? Sure, okay. 

His teammates, at the least, are not too enthused about being sidelined while ‘Burke’ takes the spotlight. Even when Martin gets the next kick-off, all ‘Burke’ does is clear the way in such a way that makes the goal feel meaningless - even a two-year-old could have done it! 

The real Burke, denied admittance at the player’s gate, enters the bleachers instead, watching with astonishment as his counterpart scores goal after goal. He’s all but ready to call the cops on the guy - the one sensible man in this entire situation - only to stop when he hears his ex’s voice just in front of him. Turns out that she’s enamored with ‘Burke’ and so ignoring her fancy tennis boyfriend, calling him a lily. Burke gets caught up in the enthusiasm of the crowd soon after (possibly in part because of spite) and enjoying the idolization that he’s technically getting because of his counterpart.

Dude. Like, I get why, but also, dude.

The two thugs finally make their move, only for Supes to quickly body them, forcing them to be removed from the field via medical staff. This is the last straw for Randall; he hands over a note with his resignation to the waterboy(?) and tells him to bring it to Dale University’s president.

At the end of the half, Superman meets with Burke and tells him they need to change clothes. Burke is now eager to go along with this, accepting Supe’s mission and getting himself out there on the field. It’s pretty obvious how much more awkward the real Burke is, missing the kick-off and chasing after it, only to get piled on the second he grabs it. 

Despite that ignoble takedown, he wakes up to his ex wanting to get back together, while also asking him to quit football, since the game’s just too brutal. Tommy agrees to it, probably in part because he knows he’s never gonna be able to live up to his counterpart, and in part because of still being shaken by the week he’s had.

And so the issue closes out - and hey, there’s that freaking exercise routine that was promised two issues ago! It’s pretty simple - start with small weights, gradually add more weight, and soon enough you’ll be lifting even heavy objects with ease!

…still have to admit this issue was a wild fucking ride. Like, what the fuck, Superman. At least I got a funny panel out of it?

Also, looking back, I realize that like, literally no further mention of the dude taken out in the hit-and-run ever happens, nor do we ever learn more about the dude Supes actually fucking killed when saving him from being hit by a train. Like, the fuck.

#action comics #dc comics #superman

[goldenagenonsense]

Action Comics No. 3 [August 1938]

Issue three! Supposedly involving some kind of workout regime, I dunno, I barely understand modern advertisements, much less 30s advertisements. There might or might not be drugs involved somewhere, I think this was the era when Coca-Cola still had cocaine in it. It would certainly explain some of the things that went into Golden Age comics, anyway.

The cover of this issue is, once again, not Superman related, so I’m not including it, but it is a good example of the weird uncanny valley art style - like it’s almost realistic, but not quite. Just on the edge between realistic and comic.

Also, I haven’t mentioned it before, but there are, like, advertisements on the page before the first stories of each issue. This particular one is advertising DC’s other runs of the time: More Fun Comics, New Adventure Comics, and… Detective Comics! Yes, the run Batman is in! Why have I not mentioned them yet? Because Batman doesn’t actually show up in Detective Comics until Issue 27, which is published not quite a year from the publication date of this particular issue. That will be covered, what, ten posts from now? So yeah, a bit more (murderous) Superman to go first.

We enter in on a cave-in, rocks falling and beams shattering, trapping a miner - Stanislaw Kober - inside.

It seems like this issue’s story (or at least the first one?) will focus on the appalling lack of OSHA, which… does that even exist yet at the point of this publication? (checks) Apparently it did, though it was called the Bureau of Labor Standards, and it kind of fell off during WW2, got reinforced after the war ended, fell off again, and then unions put enough pressure on that the government officially founded OSHA in 1971. So there technically are labor laws and safety standards in place, but workplaces definitely would be willing to let them slip.

The news is quickly spread via telegraph around the world, including to the Daily Planet- I mean Daily Star. Clark quickly asks the editor to let him handle the assignment; the editor gives him the go-ahead. In short order, Superman is racing to the scene as fast as possible - faster than the fastest airplane! Which, at the time, would be 200 mph - a slight jump up from the 125 mph of the fastest express train that he was measured again in the first issue. Power escalation already! Tut tut, for shame.

(And yes, I do get that they weren’t thinking about that, just comparing him to various Very Fast things to show he’s also Very Fast, not to have actual numbers slapped on him. He’s as fast (and strong) as the story needs, nothing less and nothing more.)

When Superman gets there, he disguises himself as a miner and approaches the pit. The entrance is cordoned off by the police, keeping other workers back while the rescue crew does their jobs; unfortunately, said rescue crew hasn’t signaled in the last ten minutes. Clark pretends to slip and fall, sending him down into the lift-shaft.

Down Superman plunges, much like Alice fell into Wonderland once upon a time. Unfortunately for him, at the bottom of this hole is no rabbit, but instead, poisonous gas! Fortunately, Superman is immune to poisonous gasses (at least the ones found in mine shafts), so he simply marches on until he stumbles upon the unconscious search crew.

I wonder which gas(ses) in particular were down here. There’s a litany of ones to be found, with different levels of danger involved. Methane and carbon monoxide are odorless, while carbon dioxide has a slight odor hard to detect by humans. I’m going to guess that the gas in question is the latter, since Superman is smelling it, but who knows how impressive his alien super-senses are. Then again, carbon dioxide itself technically isn’t poisonous, while the other two are. Hmm. Ah well, I suppose it doesn’t matter too much.

Superman hauls all the rescue crew to the elevator and tugs on the signal cord, and soon they’re on the way up to safety and fresh air. Superman himself heads back into the mine to get to work on the cave-in and rescuing Kober. He rounds a corner and finds the cave-in, only an arm sticking out to signal where the miner is.

(Honestly shocked that the guy’s not dead, but like, comic books I guess.)

Superman declares it child’s play, pulling out the rocks and debris as easily as if it were built of putty. He’s lucky that there isn’t an additional cave-in through the process, or like, any shifting of debris that could crush the man Supes is trying to save. 

Soon enough, he’s pulling Kober out of the rocks, noting that the man is in serious condition and needs to get to a hospital immediately. However, his rush is stymied by a new issue - the signal cord isn’t working! Oh no! How will Superman, who last issue was able to jump high enough to intercept a plane, possibly get himself out of this deep mine hole??

...knowing comics, probably not by jumping. 

And moving on to the next page, looks like I’m right! Superman instead puts the miner over his shoulder and proceeds to haul himself up the elevator cable at a rapid pace. The men at the top notice his climb and are shocked by it - but not as shocked as they are to see Kober. They quickly help pull Kober up, rushing him to a hospital as fast as possible.

…also I just realized that this bit with the whole free climb of the elevator cable, plus the hauling rocks, could be part of the whole ‘exercise routine’ mentioned in last issue’s advertisement, since rope climbs and weight lifts are definitely common exercises, just, you know, done with actual ropes and weights instead of this stuff. 

Or maybe I’m just reading too much into a 1930s ad in a comic book. Wouldn’t be the first time I nitpick on stupid details.

A brief timeskip has Clark Kent reporting back to the boss about Kobel’s rescue by an unidentified miner… as well as his crippling injuries. Which, yeah, oof, not surprised when he was buried in rocks. This is why OSHA matters, folks.

The next day, Clark goes to visit Kober. Clark lets him know he works for a ‘powerful newspaper’ - which I mean, I guess before TV news stations, newspapers were the main ways people got info, so like, the more popular, the more influence? I wonder which paper Daily Star correlates to… hmm…

Anyway. Clark asks if the tragedy was preventable. Kober says sure. Months ago, the miner knew the mine was unsafe - but when they told the boss’s foremen, they said if the miners didn’t like it, they could just quit. Clark is shocked - the owner disregarded the mine’s dangerous conditions. Kober again confirms it. The miners couldn’t quit, not when they had wives and kids and bills to pay. So they went back to mine for long hours and little pay, all while at risk of death.

That is the face of a man about to break someone’s neck, or possibly rip their heart out of their chest with their bare hands.

It takes Clark an hour to get an audience with Thornton Blakely, the owner of the mine. He asks if a pension has been arranged for the miner crippled in the cave-in. Blakely scoffs at the idea - Kober’s own carelessness got him injured. However, the company might be generous enough to pay for most of the hospital bill, and may even consider offering a retirement bonus.

Clark wants to know if the bad safety conditions of the mine will be fixed. Blakely says there are none - and even if there were, so what? He’s a businessman, not a humanitarian! He then firmly ends the interview, stating it’s ‘none of [Clark’s] business.’

Well then. Considering what he did to weapon munitions man, I have a feeling that Blakely’s going to take a nice, fun tour of his own mines… especially the unstable parts. :) 

That night, Superman re-dons his miner disguise and leaps over the wall guarding the Blakely estate - and, hilariously, is described as ‘like some occult, avenging demon.’ My god, he really is just Batmanning it up before Batman is even a thing. No wonder those two losers became such fast friends. They have the same dramatic flair even this early on in the timeline.

Or, well, maybe they do? I guess I’ll have to wait and see when I get to the first Batman comic.

Superman approaches the estate, listening in on the sounds of laughter, music, and revelry coming from within; he peers through and discovers a gay party in progress. Damn, guess we can’t cancel Blakely anymore, he throws gay parties, interrupting would be homophobic.

…to be clear, the above is a joke. I know gay was used entirely as an alternative for ‘merry’ or ‘happy’, which implies this is just a cheerful gathering between Blakely and his upper crust pals and gals. Too bad that Superman plans on crashing the party, possibly metaphorically, possibly not. 

Before he can decide which, the guards catch him, quickly grappling him. Superman deliberately lets them capture him, staying quiet against their questioning until they decide to bring him in to face the boss himself. Which, points to Clark, that is a clever way to get himself inside without breaking in and causing a much bigger scene. Like this, he’s completely underestimated, and so in full control of how things will play out over the next… however long it takes for his plan to go into motion.

I have to admit, for all I joke about him being murderous, he’s also very much the same clever problem solver we see in modern comics. He has fewer powers, so he has fewer tools, but he damn well knows how to use what tools he has in order to accomplish his goals. Most importantly, how to be underestimated and dismissed as a threat.

I wonder if that’s one of the things he picked up while growing up in the orphanage. Huh.

Blakely is annoyed at the interruption. The guards explain how they found Clark peeping through the window, probably planning a theft. They’re very eager to take him to the station to rough him up, one exclaiming how a few minutes alone in the back-room at headquarters will have a full confession out of him. Nice to know that police have always been corrupt bastards.

Blakely directly asks Clark what he has to say for himself. Clark fakes an accent and faulty English, exclaiming wide-eyed about the beautiful women, the rich party, how he’d heard of such things but never seen them, so he just had to. Blakely fails to see through the ruse, dismissing him as just a sap, and telling the guards to just give him a beating before letting him loose. The guards grab him and start to drag him out - then Blakely changes his mind, deciding to let Clark stay.

Considering I doubt Blakely has discovered his compassion in the last thirty seconds, I can only imagine he’s got something worse planned. 

Blakely calls out to his guests, asking them to gather round. The party is about to liven up, after all! One of the lady guests comments on how this will be fun, and that Blakely’s got one of his comical inspirations. Another lady guest notes how Elsa Maxwell (who?) has nothing on Blakely when it comes to throwing novel parties. 

Damn, I was joking about the morally dubious party guests, but I am somehow not surprised to find out that, yeah, they’re probably all assholes who are going to get their asses handed to them sometime in the near future.

Blakely makes a whole show to his guests, presenting Clark as a social-climbing miner who narrowly missed a beating because he wanted to see how the other half lived. Clark is confused at what Blakely is leading up to, and I admit I am as well, because the next thing Blakely does is turn and introduce Clark to the guests, describing them as a mob of pampered nincompoops whose sole activity in life is searching for new ways to escape boredom.

I am so confused. My friends suggested Blakely’s trying to use this to one-up someone, but like, uh, who? Why? I would say that no one could possibly be this stupid, but then the same friend pointed out that this is pretty much exactly something certain modern-day billionaires would say, so like. :|

The nincompoops in question are a touch offended at being called as such. Blakely brings his hands up as if to placate the crowds, suggesting that they all compromise. And I swear, I stared at this man’s smarmy grin and his body language and immediately thought of that ‘oh you’ meme dog.

See? Same energy. I knew I wasn’t hallucinating.

Blakely goes on to present his grand idea: they’ll finish the party in the mines! Their new miner pal will guide them and feast his eyes on them, and they will get to make merry in the bowels of the earth! All the rich people at the party cheer at this brilliant idea, calling Blakely a genius.

I again wish I could say that no rich people could possibly be this stupid, then I remember we had that whole private deep sea explorer that went down to the Titanic with several billionaires inside not too long ago that went sploot because they stripped out most of the safety measures. So this is actually incredibly realistic to have happening, even if I’m sure that Clark is still internally going ‘what the fuck, there’s no way these people are that stupid.’

No, seriously, literally as far as he got into his plan was ‘get himself inside and talk to Blakely,’ he had no part in Blakely’s decision to take everyone to the same coal mines that were recently filled with poisonous gas. He probably was planning on giving them a good scare or two in order to get them to support more safety measures in the mines, but now he’s gonna have to save them all from committing suicide via sheer stupidity.

[Insert from friends:

[Tyler] …These people are making it so easy, if it were a Joker trap he’d just leave cause it’s no fun

[Reni] Let them die Clark. Natural selection is coming]

Well, I can now confirm that I have literally zero regrets in deciding to read golden age comics, this is the kind of quality content you just don’t get nowadays.

And so, led by Superman, the crowd of singing, shouting, sable-and-evening-clothes-clad party-goers march gaily towards the mine. They crowd themselves onto the shaft elevator, and make light of things while heading down into the depths. 

One man brags about bringing along some sandwiches, while another asks who brought flasks. One of the ladies calls the whole thing thrilling. The sandwich man flirts a bit with the woman in question, teasing her about holding tight to the rail, then wondering why she won’t hold onto him, what the rail has that he doesn’t. 

The sad thing is that there are dudes out there that would say that kind of thing completely seriously/jealously, which saddens me. That it’s not the case here is a slim upside to this entire disastrous mess. 

When they reach the bottom, Blakely is out first, presenting the mine to his guests as they step out. He tells them he promised them a thrill, and asks what they thought of it. A woman sniffs and calls it a horrid-looking place. As others walk further in, they start to mutter - disbelief that people actually work down there, that the place is awful, that they shouldn’t have come.

Like, no fucking shit???? Gotta love people this disconnected from reality realizing for the first time that their bubbles don’t make up everything. Also like, what the fuck did Blakely think he was gonna accomplish with this stunt???? 

Rich people.

Superman drops back, having finally put together a plan to take advantage of this moment. He starts breaking some of the support beams, causing several rocks to fall. He looks over his work, figuring it’ll work out, then returns to the group just in time to meet with an irate Blakely. Blakely wants to know where he disappeared to; Superman plays dumb. Before the interrogation can continue, a rumbling roar shakes the cavern, spooking the rich folk into fleeing back towards the elevator -

But it’s too late; they’re caved in. Blakely panics as he realizes they’re buried alive, which causes one of the ladies to faint from the shock of it. (Possibly also from poisonous gas, but who knows.) Blakely begs Superman for help, that he’s already suffocating. Superman again plays dumb, stating that there’s at least another twenty-four hours of air.

Gotta love how he works in that subtle little ‘fuck you’ there, since Blakely earlier dismissed these conditions as ‘perfectly fine, who needs to waste money on safety concerns’ and all that.

Blakely takes this as good news, since surely a rescue squad will be there in no time! Superman warns him that it could be rescued in five minutes, or possibly never. One of Blakely’s guests seems to not like that bit of news, because he goes swinging at Blakely, who panics and scrambles away. Other guests hold the man back, but are pretty mulish, even as Blakely panics more. 

Blakely then remembers the safety devices. Oh, how could he forget those? They’re basically already saved! The other guests take relief in that, praising the devices and expressing their relief.

Meanwhile, I’m just sitting here like ‘safety devices? You mean the ones you likely deliberately refused to buy earlier because they weren’t needed? The ones that definitely don’t exist, since ‘the mine has no safety hazards’??? THOSE safety devices?’

Oh, it seems I stand corrected, there ARE safety devices down here. Blakely shows them off, explaining how all he has to do is break the glass cover and jerk down the electric signal lever. The man who went off on him before apologies for his rashness, which Blakely accepts - in before he realizes that, no, the device doesn’t work! Superman explains how all the safety devices down there are rusty and no good.

Well, shucks! Guess the man has to strangle Blakely after all. He swears at Blakely, stating that if he’d gotten proper devices installed, they’d have gotten out alive. Another man steps in, stating that there’s no time to quarrel. The angry man declares that their lives are at stake here! Blakely agrees, grabbing one of the abandoned pickaxes nearby and shoving it at Superman, telling him to get busy. Superman declares that he’s fine with dying - if they want out so bad, they can dig! When Blakely swears that he’ll get Supes fired if they get out of there, Supes again reiterates that that’s a big ‘if’ there.

With no other options, the party-goers make a desperate, vain attempt at battering down the wall of coal. They’re knee-deep in water, struggling with unwieldy tools, slipping and falling frequently. All in all, I’m going to bet that none of them are ever going to forget this. At least they aren’t bored. (I bet they are all desperately wishing for those good times when they were just bored.)

Despite their best efforts, the dwindling air supply and the heavy physical labor start to get to them. And the miners have to do this for fourteen hours a day?? Even with a rescue party at work on the opposite side of the cave-in, there’s enough of a barrier that the party-goers have all but given up, moaning about their inevitable deaths. Even Blakely is in tears, stating that if only he could do it all over again, that he hadn’t realized what the men down there had to face.

Superman, seeing that his plan has succeeded, picks himself up and gets ready to work. The guests collapse from exhaustion and air deprivation (probably not helped by whatever poisonous gasses - like, say, carbon dioxide - are no doubt thinning out their already limited oxygen.) While they’re passed out, Superman starts tearing down the barrier, just enough to allow the rescue crew to get through the rest. The rich folk stir, elated for the save, even as the rescue crew warns them to hurry, since another cave-in could happen at any moment.

We close out on a final panel, several days later. Clark Kent pays Blakely another visit in this office, and gets a very different attitude from before. This time, Blakely brags how his mine will be the safest in the country, with the best treated workers. His time in the mines brought their problems closer to his understanding. Clark congratulates him, wishing for it to be a permanent policy.

(And mutters under his breath and/or thinks to himself how, if it isn’t, Blakely can expect another visit from Superman.)

Good to know we didn’t go an entire issue without a death threat of some kind, I was worried for a bit at the end there. Then again, the whole ‘collapsing the mine’ thing probably counts as a silent one, since he seemed fine with letting them die from air deprivation if they didn’t reform? Maybe he would have still saved them, but I am honestly not sure. I want to say he wouldn’t, but like. That’s me still treating him as similar to modern Supes except for where the explicit differences are.

This issue had so much happen. Superman briefly entertaining his inner Batsona. Rich people committing flagrant acts of stupidity for the bit. A whole arc on the importance of OSHA. Reading golden age comics was a great decision, and I can’t wait to find out what fuckery Clark gets up to next time.

#action comics #superman #dc comics

[goldenagenonsense]

Action Comics No. 2 [July 1938]

And we're back for the second exciting installment of Ant-Man - (furious whispering from the backstage) - wait, I mean Superman. Sorry, got confused after all the insect comparisons last time. Abet I could have fun with calling him a 'young grasshopper' and being pseudo-accurate; I mean, if the authors themselves compared him to one, why can't I?

No cover sharing this week, since I don't think it's related to the Superman story. Interesting image though, gives me kind of a Jame Bond feel, you know?

Flipping to the first page of the story, I am immediately slapped in the face with the art change. Or maybe it's an issue of scan quality? (double checks) okay, I think it's scan quality. Ah well, it's still readable, and that's what matters.

We return where we left off: Superman psychologically tormenting a man into spilling his secrets. As one does. 👍

Honestly, the fact that Greer has neither passed out nor ruined his pants yet is incredibly impressive, I know I would have done both, especially with my mild fear of heights. Still, like, what the FUCK, I knew JJ Jameson was onto something when he warned us about the dangers of vigilantes.

When they hit the ground at last, both the pavement and Greer break. When Superman suggests they do it all again, Greer gives up the information Supes wants - the man behind the war is Emil Norvell, a munitions magistrate. He’s got an estate in Lexington Park. With that information in hand, Superman leaves Greer behind, hopping to the top of the Washington Monument to get his bearings before taking off to Norvell’s estate.

Meanwhile, a still disheveled Greer calls Norvell to warn him of the danger approaching, calling Superman ‘the most dangerous man alive.’ Norvell mostly dismisses the danger, stating that there’s no need to worry, he’ll just take some precautions to make sure Superman doesn’t remain alive for long.

I imagine after this, Greer got himself absolutely plastered and refused to leave his house for weeks, just in case. No one believes his drunk rambling, since Superman’s still so new and relatively unknown, but one day he’ll have the last laugh. One day…

After five minutes, Superman lets himself in through the window into Norvell’s study. He tells Norvell he’s coming with him; Norvell refuses, and discretely pushes a button hidden behind him on his desk. Superman notices too late to stop him, but still demands it be handed over. Norvell instead tells his guards to let him have it.

Guards used Machine Guns! It had no effect! Superman used Quick Attack! It was super effective!

It takes no time at all for Supes to toss all dozen guards out the window, their own machine guns wrapped around their necks. He then proceeds to threaten Norvell by bending an iron bar in front of him, explaining how that could just as easily be his neck if he doesn’t agree to come with him. Norvell, valuing his life, agrees quickly.

A few minutes later, Superman and Norvell are at the port. Superman points out a large steamer ship - the Baronta - that is due to leave for San Monte the next day. If he doesn’t find Norvell aboard it when it leaves, he swears he’ll track the man down to whatever hole he hides in and tear out his heart with his bare hands. Norvell, valuing his life, agrees.

Holy death threats, Superman! I know you aren’t the same as your modern counterpart, but hearing you threaten the lives of people three times within one page is just. I would be pissing myself. What the FUCK. This just really highlights the difference in culture and overall heroics eighty years ago. A Superman like this today would be a major anti-hero.

We hop to the next day, where an odd variety of passengers are boarding the Baronta: Clark Kent and Lois Lane, the latter having been assigned to accompany him to the war zone and send back dispatches with her distinctive feminine touch; a group of toughs who possibly intend to enlist as paid mercenaries; Lola Cortez, woman of mystery, an exotic beauty who fairly radiates danger and intrigue; and Emil Norvell, who immediately confines himself to his cabin once aboard.

Gotta love how her whole description is literally just 'look at this mysterious woman, she's so ~very mysterious~ hoo hoo hoo.' Truly she's ready to star in some shipboard murder mystery event.

Soon enough, the ship heads out to sea, destined for a strange voyage. Which you would think would be the build-up to a murder mystery or something, like for serious, I swear I’ve seen this exact set-up for like a dozen of them.

That night, Norvell paces his cabin. A knock comes at the door, and when he answers it… Superman is there! He makes another lowkey threat by ‘complementing’ Norvell showing up, then leaves. Not long after, Norvell sics the nameless toughs on him, promising fabulous rewards if Superman dies. The tough promises it’ll happen.

I love how, after directly witnessing Superman tank machine gun bullets, turn machine guns and bar iron into pretzels, and then literally run them across the city in a few minutes, he still goes ‘oh yeah I can totally sic these random dudes on this caped man and make him dead!’ Villain logic! Truly a timeless classic of comic books.

Superman has decided that, instead of returning to his cabin as Clark Kent and lying low, he’ll just stand at the rail admiring the moon. He whirls at the sound of footsteps, but it’s too late - he’s surrounded by toughs. When he braces himself against the rail, his strength causes it to break, sending him flailing into the ocean below.

The thugs report back, demanding their payment. Norvell dismisses them rudely, stating that they’re too trusting, and that they should feel lucky he didn’t turn them over to the police. Again, what the fuck has to be going through this guy’s mind when he pisses off the people who just dealt with the guy who, again, bent iron into pretzels in front of you. Villain logic.

Meanwhile, Superman’s fine! He’s just casually swimming fast enough to catch up to the steamer - and then blows right past it, swimming off into the distance and leaving the ship behind. He even gives the ship a jaunty wave, not that anyone can see it.

Man, really makes you wonder how he explained himself to Lois when she couldn’t find him on the ship the next day. Then again, considering that she’s likely still giving him the cold shoulder, she probably is just relieved to have a day without him hovering around and bothering her.

Anyway. We have a time skip to the next evening, when the ship has just pulled into port. Norvell is, shockingly, ambushed by all the thugs he stiffed, almost like they’re holding a grudge for a rich guy using them to do their dirty work and then refusing to pay them. Weird, that. Fortunately for him, Superman shows up once again, this time to beat the snot out of the thugs who pushed him overboard.

Gotta love that magical disappearing bowler hat. I know it's a coloring error, but the idea of it disappearing back to a different dimension rather than facing Superman is wildly hilarious to me.

The thugs flee into the night, and Norvell asks him why he saved him. Turns out, Superman’s not being benevolent - being beaten up and/or killed by those thugs is a pleasant fate compared to what Supes has in store for him. Norvell doesn’t like the sound of that, but Superman assures nothing will happen to him - so long as he joins the San Monte army.

Norvell later paces his hotel room, desperate to think of a way out of this mess caused by ‘that inhuman creature.’ He eventually gets a brain blast - join the army, then run at the first opportunity! Sadly, this plan is ruined when he enlists and Superman happens to be there as well, wearing a uniform. He declares he just couldn’t bare to be parted with Norvell.

Supes. My dude. My main man. You have got to stop psychologically tormenting these people. Supes. Dude. Why this. I don’t even have the words.

The new recruits get sent to the front. Norvell wonders whether Superman is trying to get them both killed; Superman plays coy and doesn’t give anything away. He then states he doesn’t understand why Norvell makes weapons when it means that thousands will die. Norvell’s reply? Men are cheap, munitions are expensive!

A shell flies overhead and explodes. All the soldiers drop flat to avoid the fragments. Norvell, sweating, states that this is no sane place for a man, and that he’ll die! Superman, in full sass mode, notes how when it’s his own life at stake, his viewpoint changes.

Honestly, I’m coming around to Superman’s idea here. Why don’t we just make all the people making money off of weapons go to the front lines? Senators and other people of power included! I, for one, definitely think that it would go a long way towards maybe cutting back on our stupidly large military budget, which could be put into more valuable things like, uh, pretty much anything besides the military.

Soon enough, the troops are making camp and settling in for the night. The sentries are puzzled by a dark shadow, but ultimately dismiss it as a bird. Turns out, it was Superman, out of his uniform disguise, speeding off towards the enemy camp!

The enemy officers are discussing how impenetrable their lines are, just for Superman to peek his head in with a camera in hand, asking them to smile for the shot. He then disappears again, leaving the officers to rally the guards to fruitlessly search for him.

Not too much later, Clark Kent is in the local post office, sending a package off to… the Evening News in Cleveland, Ohio? Not the Daily Star? I suppose if he didn’t want Superman tied to Clark Kent, then he’d be careful to not have the image he took as Superman tied to the place where Clark works… but then how does he explain where he got the pic? Did he just send it anonymously? Then again, this is well before social media made information sharing easy and instantaneous, so like, it’s not like the enemies would be able to tell anyone that it was a weirdo in spandex and not a generally shy, wimpy reporter who somehow snuck his way in, got the shot, and got out.

Man, I wonder how Lois would feel if she saw that snapshot and thought Clark got it. We know she thinks he’s an absolute wet rag of a man and can’t imagine him taking a risk a day in his life, but that shot? That’s the kind of shot she would get. Or at least, later incarnations of her, wherein she’s willing to throw herself off of buildings in order to get her scoop.

Speaking of Lois! We shift our scene over to the hotel where both Lois and Lola are staying. Lois is trying to chat with Lola, but Lola is being carefully uninformative. And can I say here that I love how their color schemes are completely inverted to one another? I mean, I know old comic books had limited color palettes to print in, but still, there’s definitely enough color that the choice made here was deliberate.

Army officers enter the hotel, the owner quickly meeting them. He asks what’s wrong; they state ‘official business.’ At that moment, Lola, suddenly panicky, slips into an elevator, and hides a document in Lois’ room. Which, like, either means that door security isn’t a thing in San Monte, or Lola slipped the door key from Lois (and then returned it??), or she could have lockpicked her way in, I guess.

I know, trying to logic out a comic book bit, I’m a dumbass. You all should have known this already, I’m willing reading and liveblogging golden age comics.

The officers explain that an important document has been stolen, and that they need to search the rooms. The owner gives them permission, and soon enough, all the rooms are being methodically gone through. Lola makes sure to come off as annoyed and unaffected while talking to the officer in her room.

As to be expected, the document is found in Lois’ room. The officers place her under military arrest, despite her protests of knowing nothing about this. In what seems like no time at all, she’s put before a judge and found guilty, with the punishment for espionage being an execution at dawn.

Clark overhears the news while in disguise at the military camp, nearly at the same time Lois is being brought out for the execution. Lois, even facing death, is protesting the whole thing and proclaiming her innocence.

Superman rushes across the miles, almost faster than the eye can see. The officer in charge raises his hand to order the troops to shoot-

And once again, in the nick of time, Superman saves Lois Lane from the machinations of others. When the guards stop shooting, Superman lifts Lois into a bridal carry and leaps over the wall. The troops, baffled, tell him to stop, and that this is impossible. Superman snarks his thanks for letting him know.

Lois, meanwhile, is in shock - she’s once again been saved by Superman! Superman jokes with her about his still playing the role of gallant rescuer. She asks him what manner of being he is, and he tells her to stop asking.

Like, dude, my man. This is Lois Lane. I know that this is very, very early Lois, and that this is the 30s, but like. You have to realize that you just gave this woman a rawhide bone to chew on named ‘Superman’s mysteries,’ and by hell or high waters, she WILL get to the bottom of this.

Anyway, Superman briefly stops in order to handle a torturer mid-inquisition. How he handles it? By bodily picking up the man, hoisting him overhead, and throwing him like a javelin into the distance. The man's protests are shut down with Superman telling him to go to hell, calling him a devil; as he’s tossed, all he can do is wail piteously as he disappears into the distance.

That man is dead, you fucking know it. And like, it’s not like I personally care, but then again, I’m pretty sure this is like the dozenth death threat so far, and we’re only on issue two! Superman, what the FUCK, my dude?

Superman unties the captives’ bonds, taking their profuse thanks with grace. He wishes them luck, then gets back to getting Lois to safety - which, like, she had to have witnessed all that, right? What in the world did she think in seeing all that? What would her article even look like if she published? How is she STILL wearing her heels despite the past, like, handful of hours or whatever?

All mysteries we may or may not have answers to one day soonish.

Superman eventually sets Lois down near the Baronta, advising her to return to America. She asks when she’ll see him again; he replies that he doesn’t know - perhaps tomorrow, perhaps never.

Based on what I know of comic books, Lois Lane, and Superman comics in general, I’m leaning a bit more towards ‘probably every issue from here on out.’ But, you know, that’s just my guess.

With all that side plot out of the way, we return to our main story, the tormenting of Norvell. Only, as it turns out, exciting developments have occurred while he was away! And by exciting, I mean the anti-air guns are going, due to an enemy aviator harassing the camp. Which, what, no backup? I don’t know much about aviation between WW1 and WW2, but I feel like flying solo is not the safest decision, especially with one hand holding a fucking shotgun while the other is steering. But what do I know? Comic book logic.

Also, as an aside, I am laughing because I can’t believe the issue cover is somewhat relevant after all - there is, in fact, a plane involved in these shenanigans! Truly inspiring.

Anyway, Superman leaps to the attack! For the first time in all history, a man battles an airplane single-handed!

The plane crashes into him and, unsurprisingly, loses. The airplane falls to its doom. Meanwhile, Norvell has seen the crash and is convinced that this is what finally killed his nemesis. Which, once again, have to admire the sheer confidence this man has in the worlds’ ability to kill this inhuman fucker. Truly the model on which all future villainous delusions are based off of.

Sadly (for Norvell), Superman comes in for a landing right after, spooking the hell out of Norvell. Much like Greer before him, he’s cracked - he wants to go back to the US, he’s grown to hate war! Superman agrees - so long as Norvell stops making weapons.

Norvell presumably agrees, since he’s soon out of uniform and back on the Baronta for the return trip. He vows to himself that the most dangerous thing he’ll make from now on will be a firecracker.

Superman is pleased with his progress; only one more thing to do, and his mission in San Monte will be finished! He then proceeds to kidnap both the commander from the military he was with, and the head of the opposing army. They’re confused and scared, and demand to know what he wants from them. He tells them he’s ending the war by having them fight each other. When they try to protest, he tells them to fight - or else he’ll take care of both of them.

I think that’s another death threat, so the total count is like… an even dozen at this point. Christ, OG Superman was a feral bastard. Probably something to do with being raised in an orphanage instead of with kindly old farmers in Kansas. Man, what an Elseworlds concept to explore…

The commanders are baffled - why should they fight> They aren’t angry with each other? When Superman asks why the armies are battling, neither of them seems to have an answer, which like. I know it’s supposed to be a commentary on all war being pointless and stupid, but them not even having a flimsy excuse is another level of wild. Superman decides to give them an answer - they’ve only been fighting to promote weapons sales. So why not just shake hands and make up?

They do so (I would argue under some duress), and the war, presumably, comes to a halt. Incredible. Wonder how long that will last.

Clark Kent soon after returns to the office and reports to his editor. The editor informs him that, while he’s been gone, there’s been no Superman sightings. Maybe he’s retired? Clark disagrees, saying that he has a hunch Superman will make an appearance again - soon!

With that, the second issue ends (or at least, the Superman part of it. Anthology comics are a bit wild, but they were the norm back then, so.) What a ride. Gotta love that whole ‘fuck war and everything to do with it’ mentality that went into this story. Considering this is before WW2, I have to wonder now how things will change when that particular conflict kicks off in earnest.

As a fun little ending bit, we have an advertisement to end off the page!

Wow, it’s like steroid ads before there were plentiful steroids! Incredible. And sadly, it’s working, less because I want the physique, but more because I want to know whether there’s actually any kind of exercise routine / recommendations, or if it’s just a tease for some kind of storyline.

Anyway, that’s a wrap for that. Next time, the ongoing adventures of Superman. How many death threats will there be? Even I don’t know.

#dc comics #superman #action comics

[goldenagenonsense]

Action Comics No. 1 [June 1938]

The OG. The first true-blood superhero. The big man himself, Superman. From what I’ve heard, any physical copy of this issue in good enough condition can be worth a couple million dollars. Can you imagine, something that once cost a dime worth more than most people’s annual income?? Bonkers.

Anywho, let’s get into it.

Have to admit, the thing that catches my eye here is that logo on his costume. The rest of it is the same timeless classic design everyone knows, but that logo... not gonna lie, it looks weird. Kind of a little flick-and-swish instead of the blocky print of more modern superman logos.

I suppose the other big question is, who the fuck are these dudes. Why is Superman smashing their car. Why are they in the middle of the desert in Arizona. All mysteries that will probably never be solved.

Moving on, we’re given Superman’s origin story: A distant planet was destroyed by old age, so a scientist placed his infant son within a hastily-designed spaceship and shot him off to Earth! When it landed, a passing motorist discovered the sleeping child and turned him over to... an orphanage? Huh. Huh.

Like, I do get that this is well before any comic books cared about things like ‘backstory’ and ‘civilian lives’ and whatnot, but I admit I’m so used to the whole ‘taken in by Martha and Jonathon Kent’ thing that him initially being an orphanage kid is downright bizarre. Like, could you even IMAGINE trying to pull that in a modern day comic? Impossible. But at the same time, so compelling... hmm...

The backstory continues with baby Clark’s impressive feats of strength - as a baby, he could lift a reclining chair with one arm. By maturity, he could easily: 

leap an eighth of a mile

hurdle over a twenty-story building

raise tremendous weights (pictured holding an I-bar over his head with one arm)

run faster than an express train

and “nothing less than an exploding shell could penetrate his skin”

I checked the stats for the train thing, and in 1938, the best in the line steam trains (in the US) had an average operating speed of 100 mph [160 km/h] and a top speed of 125 mph [200 km/h]. So I imagine that those are OG Clark’s ‘run’ and ‘sprint’ speeds as well.

We conclude the backstory page with a note that early on, Clark decided to turn his titanic strength into channels that would benefit mankind. Thus: Superman! Champion of the oppressed, the physical marvel who has sworn to devote his existence to helping those in need!

Also, oh my god, it has a blurb about the ‘scientific explanation’ for Clark Kent’s amazing strength.

Like, is this still nonsense? Yes, but I mean. Technically, it’s nonsense with some science to it. I kind of like it - it’s impressive, but not fantastical.

We finally move on to the action: Superman, racing through the night, a blond woman bound and gagged under his arm. When he reaches the governor’s house, he leaves her sitting under a tree, telling her to make herself comfortable, since he doesn’t have the time to.

Superman knocks on a door, and someone (an aide? a butler? IDK man) answers. The doorman demands to know why Superman is knocking at such a late hour. Superman states that he has to see the governor - it’s a matter of life and death! The doorman closes the door and says to come back in the morning. Superman refuses, smashing his way in and saying he’ll see him now.

The doorman is shaken, stating (fairly) that this is illegal entry, and he’ll have Supes arrested. Supes again demands to be taken to the governor. When the doorman refuses, Superman just picks the guy up and holds him overhead while marching up the stairs, ignoring the man’s cries for help.

A new obstacle appears - for some reason, the governor’s sleeping room is locked AND made of steel. The doorman is smug as he tells Superman that he won’t get away with this outrage, and that there’s absolutely no way this door can be knocked down-

Ah, cinematic poetry. Gotta love it.

The governor, woken by the chaos, turns on his bedside lamp while demanding to know what’s happening. Superman, holding a rolled up paper, tells the governor that Evelyn Curry is to be electrocuted in fifteen minutes for murder. However, he has a written confession that’s proof of her innocence!

The butler (aha! Finally, confirmation!) pulls out a gun, convinced Superman is a madman threatening the governor. He tells Supes to reach for the ceiling; Supes tells him to put ‘that toy’ away. The butler warns Superman he’ll shoot, and then proceeds to do so - to no effect, as the bullet ricochets off of Superman. Superman steps forward to take away the gun, stating it’s no time for horseplay, then returns his focus to the governor.

As the timer counts down to nine minutes left, Superman tells the governor that only he is capable of saving the innocent woman. The governor asks for the papers, and then makes a call to the penitentiary. The next panel briefly hops over to the execution room, where Miss Curry takes massive relief in the news that the governor has pardoned her. She had told them she was innocent!

(I wonder - if the governor had refused, would Clark have rushed to break the woman out himself? I would think he would, but it would probably be breaking the law a bit more than he already has with the whole ‘breaking and entering’ thing happening here.)

When we return to the governor’s house, Superman has already disappeared. However, he did leave behind a note stating that the real murderess would be found bound and gagged on the lawn of his estate.

We have a brief time skip to the next morning, when Clark Kent is leaving for his job as a reporter for the local newspaper. His neighbor is reading the morning paper, telling Clark all about how the Curry girl was found innocent. When Clark asks to read it himself, he’s inwardly relieved to find he’s not mentioned anywhere.

However, things aren’t that simple. At the same time, over in the governor’s private chamber, he’s meeting with several other important people, telling them all about how the man who had broken in was definitely not human! The only relief to be found was that said man seemed to be on the side of law and order.

When Clark enters the Daily Star - wait, what? Alright, I know it’s literally inconsequential, but that’s still an interesting difference between then and now. I wonder when that was changed and why?

Anyway! Clark is called into his boss’ office; the boss asks him to sit, then wants to know if Clark has ever heard of ‘Superman.’ When Clark expresses his shock/confusion, the boss clarifies - reports have been streaming in about a fellow with gigantic strength called Superman, and he’s making it Clark’s ongoing assignment to cover these reports.

Clark, with a totally not shit-eating grin, states confidently that if he can’t find out anything about Superman, then no one can!

Like look. Listen. That is the face of a man who has just been gifted the perfect alibi/cover for all his nonsense, and is barely keeping himself from cackling in delight. You know he’s internally rubbing his hands together in glee.

As Clark leaves the boss’ office, one of his co-workers lets him know that a tip was phoned in - a wife-beating on 211 Court Ave! Leaving aside the fact that said tipster should have probably been calling the police, Clark accepts the tip and hurries off.

[Insert from friends:

[Tyler] I mean historically domestic violence was treated differently to today, maybe it made sense to call the newspaper back then?

Wikipedia seems to be suggesting that while the cops would stop a wife beater by that time, there was a low chance of arrest, so maybe a newspaper article makes sense as a longer term punishment if the cops won’t help?

[Solem] I'd assume that the police were called first, and that it's someone from the police calling the paper -- dunno if they still do this, but it used to be that newspapers got bulletins like that so they could add the crimes to the public record and write up the police blotter. Hence why it was the perfect incognito place for Clark to work and keep his ear to the ground for trouble.]

When he arrives at the scene, he’s already changed into his costume and demands the man to stop. The man is holding a belt and standing over his wife, who is lying on the ground, covering her face, but stops to turn and demand to know what Superman wants, and to not get tough. Superman grabs him by the throat and lifts him up, saying that tough is a mild way to put the treatment the man is about to get. He then throws the man at the nearby wall, stating that he’s not fighting a woman now!

It seems that Supes is holding back, because the wall is undamaged, and the man is still conscious, choosing to attack Supes with a knife. However, the man has even less luck than the butler on that front - the knife breaks on Superman’s skin, leaving the man no recourse but to recoil in fear, and then faint.

Superman hears police sirens and quickly changes back into his civilian clothes, thinking of how bad it’d be if they searched him. By the time the officer steps in through the busted door, Clark Kent is kneeling over the unconscious man. The officer demands to know what Clark is doing there; Clark replies that he arrived to find the place like this, and that it seems that Superman had dropped in for a visit. [Also, gotta love that ‘tho’ is used in this panel.]

Another time skip, and we’re back in the office. This time, however, we see Clark awkwardly asking Lois out on a date, and her deigning to give him a break for once. Good to know that Lois hasn’t changed one bit in the past 80-something years.

That night, Lois and Clark are dancing together at some kind of... I guess restaurant? A party or event? There are tables for dining, but there’s also couples dancing, so like. It’s probably some kind of event, but I couldn’t tell you more than that. Clark asks why Lois always avoids him at the office. Lois tells him she’s been writing sob stories all day, and doesn’t want to dish out another.

[Insert from friends:

[Delci] You watch a lot of old black and white movies and this is shown all the time, dancing was a very big thing back then, like the only time to really socialize lol. Basically a club, eat, dance and listen to live entertainment.]

Over at one of the tables, three guys are chatting about her. Green suit thinks she’s nice looking and decides to cut in. Blue suit is cautious, worried that her escort [Clark] won’t like it. Green suit says it doesn’t matter, he’ll just punch Clark’s face in. Yellow suit is just excited to be here.

Green suit marches over and demands Clark leave. Clark notes that this isn’t a robber’s dance, and green suit gets annoyed, asking if he’s trying to be ‘flip’ (which i guess is shorthand for ‘flippant’) and again tells him to get moving, quick. Lois demands to know if Clark is going to stand for this. Clark reluctantly plays into his weakling persona, asking her to give the guy one dance so they can leave quickly. 

She is having none of it, hands on her hips as she tells Clark that HE can dance with green suit, but she’s leaving now. Green suit is annoyed at her flippancy, and tells her he’ll dance with him and she’ll like it. Lois, done with this man’s shit, slaps him in the face. Clark gives a quiet cheer for her, then more loudly frets for her to stop.

Green suit probably caught the mutter, because he shoves a hand in Clark’s face and demands he fight (calling him a ‘weak livered pole-cat’ in the process, a fantastic insult); Clark demures and deflects.

Lois, already in her evening coat, is already heading out the door. Clark follows after her, asking her to wait. She doesn’t stop even after she gets into a taxi, telling him the reason she avoids him: because he’s a spineless, unbearable coward! (Yeowch.)

Back inside, green suit is pissed, rallying his friends to go after her and show her that she can’t make a fool of Butch Matson. Dude, I hate to tell you this, but she already did. Sucks to suck, man. :/

A few minutes later, Superman is on the scene, watching a familiar green car leave the roadhouse with three hoodlums inside. The car quickly catches up to the taxi, ramming into it and forcing it into a ditch. The suits pull her out of the taxi and force her into their car, while she demands they let her go. As they drive away, Butch complains that he let her boyfriend off easy. Blue suit states that they might meet again, and Butch replies that he hopes it’ll be soon.

As the car speeds forward, Superman stops in the road in front of it, hands on his hips. Blue suit(?) warns him of the guy ahead, while Butch just laughs and says that he’ll scare the guy a bit. Blue suit is worried about hitting him, though, especially as they approach and Superman doesn’t move. 

At the last moment, Superman leaps over the top of the car without touching it, then starts dashing in pursuit, freaking out blue suit. Blue suit tells Butch to step on the gas; Butch compares Supes to the Devil himself. Despite their speed, Superman catches up easily, and holds the car over his head. He dumps all the occupants out - Lois included, double whoops! - and then smashes the car into bits against a rock. Which is the cover scene! Just with different clothes for the ‘civilians’.

After the car is dealt with, Superman chases down Butch and leaps up with him to the top of a power pole, hanging the man by his suit jacket to one of the parallel planks. When Butch demands to be let down, Superman offers to cut him loose, which has Butch backtrack immediately.

Superman then approaches a shocked Lois, gently telling her that she doesn’t need to be afraid, that he won’t harm her. (Definitely thinking this is a whole angel/Bible reference with the whole ‘be not afraid’ bit.) He then picks her up in a bridal carry and rushes her back to the city outskirts, advising her not to print anything about what happened.

The next morning, Lois is raving about it to the editor, trying to convince him that she saw Superman. The editor is skeptical, asking a bit mockingly whether it wasn’t pink elephants she saw. This honestly just had me realize that when said editor put Clark on the whole ‘Superman’ thing, he probably was skeptical, and considering that it’s only been a day since said assignment, said editor probably is still skeptical of Superman’s existance.

Anyway, that little segment ends with Clark trying to apologize for the previous night, but Lois is having none of it, outright icing him out.

Clark soon enough recieves a new assignment - the front page is getting dull, to the point of headlining card games. Apparently, there’s a war going on in a small South American republic, ‘San Monte,’ and he’s sending Clark there as correspondant. He tells Clark to take along a camera and to try to send some good shots with his articles.

Instead of going to San Monte, Clark goes over to Washington DC. Which I can’t blame him for, since that’s definitely a scandal in the making far closer to home. Clark attends a session of Congress, watching from the gallery. After recieving confirmation on the identity of Senator Barrows, Clark discretely follows up post-session by snapping a picture of Barrows speaking to a shady character about meeting up that night at at his home. He then goes to the local paper to learn more about the shady man, and finds out his name is Alex Greer, the slickest lobbiest in Washington... and no one knows who backs him.

By the time 8:30 PM rolls around, Superman is clinging to the side of a skyscraper, multiple stories up, eavesdropping on their conversation. Which is hilarious for many, many reasons. Mostly because it’s now no fucking wonder he and Bruce are friends when they pull the exact same snooping nonsense.

Barrows reminds Greer that he’s supposed to be avoiding him in public. What would people think if they knew they knew each other? Greer tells him to stop sputtering, he had to see him. He has to know if the senator will succeed in pushing the bill through. Barrows confirms it will, well before its full implications are realized. Before anyone knows it, the country will be embroiled with Europe!

...wait. Wait wait, this is a bill about joining the war in Europe? No, this was before World War Two started! So what, is this trying to kick off a war? Or just getting economically bogged down with Europe in general? I admit I’m not sure, but in that context, yeah, this is definitely something to be concerned about.

Greer is pleased, stating that Barrows will be financially compensated for this. Barrows rhetorically asks whether Greer is getting taken care of as well. Supermna, listening in, thinks that he definitely will - though probably not in the way either of the two are thinking.

On leaving the building, Greer is confronted by Superman, who wants to know who’s backing him. Greer tries to deny the accusations, but Supes is having none of it, grabbing him by the hand and saying they’ll see whether he’ll talk. When Greer demands he let go of his hand, Supes just grabs him by the foot instead and takes off in a huge leap.

Master of malicious complaince, Clark is.

Greer panics about electrocution as they come in for a landing on some telephone wires. Superman assures him they won’t - birds sit on wires all the time, and they aren’t fried - at least, not unless they touch a pole and are grounded! Superman then leaps over a pole with an ‘oops!’ that’s all about fucking with this man.

Again, I am very quickly realizing how this man and Bruce ‘I dangle criminals over the edge of buildings’ Wayne are besties. It’s all about the subtle death threats with those two.

Superman points out the capitol, suggesting they pay it a visit. Greer is still demanding to be put down, but Clark just wants to admire the view from the top of the White House. He then wonders out loud whether they can make the jump all the way across to the building, ignoring Greer’s increasing panic in order to do so - and apparently misses.

...and this concludes issue 1, or at least the part about Superman. The end of that last panel gives a little ‘to be continued’ note, followed up by a panel reminding readers to not miss an issue so as to keep on reading about Superman. Man, what an adventure.

Have to admit, I was genuinely surprised by some of this. Like, I knew Superman didn’t start out with the thousand and five powers he has in modern comics, but I wasn’t expecting it to be so... grounded? Kind of wild. I could easily see a lot more ways this version of him could be challenged meaningfully beyond just ‘the enemy has Kryptonite and/or magic to weaking him’ and/or ‘it’s a situation where he can’t bruce force it without things going horribly wrong.’

Likewise, orphan Supes has some kind of compelling art to it. While I definitely favor Ma and Pa Kent as a reason he grew up kind, and I also get how there’s no way the whole ‘random motorist runs into a baby in a spaceship and just takes them to an orphanage’ thing would work nowadays, it’s still interesting to consider how such a backstory would have to be adjusted to at least be plausible.

Also, I know I made a joke earlier about ‘get me photos of Superman’ but like. Oh my god, Peter Parker isn’t the neighborhood menace, fucking Superman is. Breaking and entering, eavesdropping, destruction of property; this man just cannot be stopped. Truly, an auspicious start to one of the most iconic superheroes of all time.

Can’t wait for the next issue!

#superman #action comics #dc comics

[goldenagenonsense]

Blogger’s Pre-Read Notes

I have never read a (western) comic book in my life, and only really know stuff through fandom, some wiki-binging, and whatever I hear from friends (as well as a few MCU movies, but I am aware that they are not exactly congruent to the comics-verse). Naturally, instead of actually sitting down and reading any relevant, modern(ish) comics about what heroes I like, I figured I would torture / entertain myself by diving right into the beginning, back when comics gave absolutely no fucks about plot, logic, or the laws of physics.

This is kind of a liveblog, in that I haven’t read any of these beforehand, will be going into each post effectively blind, and will just ramble my thoughts on stuff as I go along. Generally, a post will summarize the story / issue as well as have my expanded thoughts, so like. If you like that, cool! If you don’t, shrugs.

I’m gonna try to stick to one post per issue, but might break some up into multiple depending on my mood and the length of the story / issue. I’ll also be spamming a lot of pictures in my posts. Enjoy.

This is a hate-free zone. I’m just here to have a good time, I have no time or inclination to get into debates about how toxic character X or author Y is, so like. Chill. Take it somewhere else. I just want to make fun of the OG comic books. I can and will remove anon asks if I need to.

On the other hand, if you do have some insight, funny comments, or just want to enjoy this nonsensical journey with me, I am down for it. Just shoot me an ask or reply, and I’ll try to respond to it within a week or so.

[DC heroes list]

Superman

To be added...

[Marvel heroes list]

To be added...

Final note: I’ll try to remember to do image descriptions for everything, but if I miss something, tell me! I actually want to make an attempt to be accessible.

(Also, if you think you recognize me, no you don’t.)