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godocdblog-blog · 6 years

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Dig a little...

Hello Friends,

I apologize for the delay in posting to you. Recently, I have been fighting Lyme Disease and a co-infection called Anaplasmosis. If you remember, a few posts back I went on a brief rant about ticks and how much I despise them. As it turns out, I will be once again battling the tick! I say, “once again” because about 5 years ago, I found myself on a similar journey. I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease back in 2013. I remained on treatment for about 2 years after that. About 2016, I said goodbye to Doxycycline as my treatment ended. This summer however, I was bit by another tick, this time carrying the co-infection Anaplasmosis.

I know this is an OCD blog, so I won’t talk much longer about this round of tick-borne illnesses. However, this blog post will discuss the first round I fought through a few years back. The reason being, is that I believe my OCD went hay-wire because of the Lyme Disease I had left virtually untreated. I was first bit by a deer tick in 2008. I had the classic symptoms and markers: bull’s eye rash and fatigue. At the time the symptoms appeared, I was vacationing in California. I decided to see a doctor while I was there just to get the ball rolling. Once the results came back however, I was back home in NY. When I received the call, the woman on the phone was frantic. She told me I had to go to see a doctor immediately for treatment. I felt like a time bomb. Panicked, I called my mom in NJ and told her the news. She was told by some of her friends who had dealt with Lyme Disease that it was really, not a big deal, that I would be treated with some antibiotics for a few weeks and that would be that. The next day, I travelled back to NJ to see a doctor with my mom. The doctor looked at the blood results and said, “I’m not even sure you have Lyme Disease.” What? How is that even possible? How could the reactions of the doctors be so different? In any event, he gave me antibiotics and told me to call back if I felt like I needed more. So, I did what he said, despite my better judgment. I ended up going on 2 rounds of antibiotics and felt like I was fine.

Flash forward 5 years later, and I was a panic stricken 29-year-old, with an irregular heartbeat, fatigue, and extreme OCD. On a recommendation of a friend, I decided to go see a local Lyme Disease specialist. Lo and behold, the bloodwork came back positive for Lyme Disease. This time however, the treatment would last much longer, and I would be carefully monitored by my doctor with regular visits and consistent blood work. Once my treatment began, I experienced more joint pain and fatigue than I did prior to treatment (this event is referred to as a Herx Reaction). My treatment continued for two years, until all my symptoms had gone away.

I believe that my OCD went berserk because of that bout with Lyme Disease. Lyme Disease can cause just about any issue in the body, including neurological ones. It can exacerbate existing conditions (like OCD), and mask itself as other diseases and conditions. There is another element to this part of my story that I have yet to mention. The Holy Spirit was the most integral part in getting me to a Lyme Specialist. My best friend, who is also a sister in Christ, prayed that I would be receptive to going to see this Lyme Specialist. When she brought it up to me, I agreed and made my appointment right away. At that moment, I had verification in my spirit that I was on the right path. Full disclosure, I did start OCD medication before my first appointment. I simply could not wait 3 or 4 weeks without doing something for the OCD. Fortunately for me, Fluvoxamine ended up being the correct medication for me and worked wonders right away. However, I still believe that it was spurred on by Lyme Disease. The timing of everything is too coincidental. I believe I have had OCD since I was a child. But, the severe OCD that happened in my late 20’s I think was exacerbated by Lyme Disease.

All of this to say that, sometimes there can be an underlying stress happening in your body that is causing your OCD or mental health issue to fluctuate to the extremes. I encourage you to dig. Don’t dig to the point where you exhaust yourself. Rather, dig a little bit at a time, being open to God’s leading and wisdom for your healing. He is your number 1 advocate in this and all things. Remember though, you are your number 2 advocate in this fight, so don’t be afraid to educate yourself.

Thank you for your time.

Love,

Jackie

#godocdblog #lyme #anaplasmosis #fatigue

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godocdblog-blog · 6 years

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Name, address, repeat.

On Saturday morning, I spent some much-needed time with the LORD. I was able to worship, pray, journal, all the good stuff. During this time, God gave me the inspiration for this blog post. It came as I was listening to a song by Kim Walker Smith called, “Christ the Rock”. There was a time in my life, not too long ago, that this song kept me from spiraling into an abyss of total despair and fear. It is a little comical looking back on the situation now, however, it was and still is serious. You’ll see what I mean as you read on…

Let’s flash back to the days when I was filled with “four alarm” anxiety and confusion. By the grace of God, I was able to keep moving on some small levels despite the madness. One of these small levels of movement was playing on a softball team. I wasn’t that strong of a softball player to begin with, but for some odd reason, God saw to it that I played one of the most important positions on the field. This was a co-ed league, so I had to be sharp to avoid serious injury such as a getting a concussion from taking a softball to the face off the bat of a burly middle-aged man with, “old man strength”. Thankfully, this did not happen, but you get the picture. Instead of focusing on the game, my OCD thought it was best for me to obsessively chant my name and address in my head to avoid one of my greatest fears at the time: forgetting who I was. Suffice it to say, my career as a first baseman was short-lived. However, the fear of forgetting who I was lived on for quite some time during those dark days. I truly believed that with all the inner chaos, I would lose myself; that I wouldn’t remember my name, where I lived, or my past. This fear felt real and threatening, like it was ready to pounce on me at any moment. One summer evening, while sitting on the bench at a softball game, the song “Christ the Rock” by Kim Walker Smith popped into my head. I was listening to one of her albums a lot at the time, so it was in my regular-mind-music rotation. In any event, the song was there. I reached for it and used it to lift me out of the fear. I sat on the bench, whistling it, and singing it out loud at certain points. Instead of repeating my name and address, I was repeating the lyrics. Although my fear and anxiety did not fully go away with the singing and whistling, it certainly quieted things and brought underlying peace. So, for those of you out there obsessing over something right now, I encourage you to read these lyrics and find yourself a way to listen to this song. It is a great reminder that all though our thoughts may race and seem to change faster than the speed of light, God does not. The Bible says He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He will not leave you or forsake you. Stand on those promises no matter what your afflicted mind tells you.

On Christ the solid rock I stand No double minded shifting sands On Christ the rock I plant my feet A firm foundation for me On Christ the rock I place my heart And trust in who You say You are No circumstance that blows my way Will never move this solid place Holy [x4] On Christ the solid rock I stand Leaving behind the fear of man With Christ the truth I will agree Forsaking lies that come for me Holy [x4] On Christ the rock I lay my dreams Come with Your fire consuming me With Christ the rock I make my plans Partner with Your purposes Holy [x15] You are Holy Oh God yea On Christ the solid rock I stand

God bless you. Keep fighting, but remember there is peace available to you through Jesus.

Love,

Jackie

(lyrics copied from azlyrics.com)

#godocdblog #anxietyhelp #OCD #ChristtheRock

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godocdblog-blog · 6 years

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There will be bad days...

This past week was a battle. From disturbing images to extremely unsettling thoughts, OCD was going right for the jugular. Up until that point, it had been a good period of time since I had to be on high alert against mentally obtrusive thoughts. Thanks to the miracle of Fluvoxamine (my medication of choice), these kinds of thoughts have been less frequent and easier to find my way out of. Not this time, though. It all came to a head on Monday night when I found myself in the emergency room with sharp chest and arm pains. It has yet to be determined if the pains were completely anxiety related. However, I will tell you that all my exams in the hospital came back normal. (I will continue with this part of the story in an upcoming post regarding other health issues I will be testing for, including all tick-borne diseases. Side note: For those of you who don’t live in the northeastern part of the United States, consider yourselves truly blessed when it comes to the issue of ticks. One day I hope to be able to spend at least part of my summers away from this region of the country for the sole purpose of avoiding those tiny life-ruiners). In any event, after my visit to the ER, I had an impromptu session with my psychiatrist. After our conversation and careful consideration, we decided it would be best to add a small dosage of an anti-depressant to my daily regimen. Four days later, I am feeling worlds better. Praise God for the wisdom He has given my doctor.

As a follower of Jesus Christ, I have been taught and believe that there is a whole other world I cannot see. This plane, or spiritual realm, is filled with powers and spirits I am blind to, or really, protected from. With that said, there is a spiritual element to my OCD and depression struggles. I want to be clear that this belief does not downplay or take away credence from the fact that anxiety disorders like OCD are also biological and physical. I am against the idea that mental health issues are completely spiritually driven. Have you ever seen a brain scan of someone with OCD versus someone with a “healthy” brain? Search for that on the internet and then try to convince yourself that OCD is not also a physical issue. The point I’m trying to make is that my OCD has a personality. It distorts everything and everyone I love, and even how I view myself. It feels evil, sounds evil, and is based on lies. In the dark moments, when I can’t get myself out of a mind-ditch, there is only one thing to do: pray. While the terrifying thoughts may not be instantly removed while praying, there is instant safety and freedom in the presence of God. In the arms of Jesus, there is safety knowing that I cannot be harmed by my thoughts and neither can the ones I love. In the arms of Jesus, there is freedom in sharing my thoughts no matter how dark or disturbing. The arms of Jesus are a place where I am known for who I am and not who my thoughts say I am. There is no place like this on earth, nor medicine that can truly recreate the stability and deep underlying peace of this place.

It is important to note that after my trip to the ER, I felt an enormous amount of discouragement. How could I be back at this place with my mental health? I’ve put in so much effort to be “OK” over the last six years. From counselors, to psychiatrists, to medications, to books, to research, to behavioral exercises…am I really back here? The answer was both yes and no. Yes, I was in a bad state of mental health, but no, I was not back to where I was in the beginning of this journey. I am older, wiser, and stronger because of all that I have been through with this disorder. If I can get through what I have been through in the past, I can most certainly step forward now with the abilities God has given me and enables me to use every day thanks to the hellish roads He and I have walked down together. As C.S. Lewis once said, “Experience is the most brutal of teachers but you learn, my God, do you learn.” Praise God for His wisdom and amazing love. Keep fighting, friend.

Love,

Jackie

#OCD Anxietyhelp godocdblog baddays mentalhealthawareness

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godocdblog-blog · 6 years

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You are Not Alone

My name is Jackie and I am here to tell you that you are not alone. Today I was moved powerfully and urgently to start this blog. There is someone out there who is meant to read this now. I don’t know who you are or anything about you. The only thing I do know is that God is looking out for you and wants you to be healed and comforted. I am honored and grateful to be able to speak to you today. I know you are feeling lost and need help now, so I will not delay getting right into what is on my heart to say to you.

In my life, I have had and continue to have struggles with my mental health. More specifically, I am a sufferer with OCD. In 2013, I experienced the toughest, grueling, and most sickening time of my life. I felt unsafe in my own skin and my brain felt like it was infected. My brain was on hyper drive, attacking me with despicable thoughts that debilitated me. How could I possibly be thinking the things I was thinking and not actually be what those thoughts were? The confusion, the circular thinking, the back-and-forth drove me nearly to suicide. I felt like a monster who had no reason to continue to live for fear of being like those thoughts. I had to go. But thank God I stayed.

With the help and wisdom of the Lord, I was able to find the right help. Surrounded by my family and dear friends, I gained enough courage to start accepting the fact that something was wrong with my brain, and that it was OK to start looking to take care of this major, major issue. Maybe you don’t have the support around you that you think you need, but know that I am here, thinking of you, encouraging you, wanting you to read this blog to know without a single doubt that you are not alone. What is happening to you, you could not have helped or stopped. You are not your thoughts. They will trick you into thinking that you are, but you are not. They will feel like they are you, but they are not. This is the fight of your life, and God has inspired me to share all that I know with you on how to tame that OCD beast in your brain. I will be honest and as a frank as possible on this journey. But I will not take any credit for the victory in my story or yours. That belongs solely to God. I won’t shove the Bible down your throat, but I will talk to you about Jesus Christ because He is my Savior and He is the one who brought me to and through the greatest challenge of my life: the challenge of physical survival when every ounce of me was exploding with anxiety and inner chaos.

I will not tell you that my life is totally free from my OCD struggle. It is not. But it has gotten better, much better. Somedays I can’t function well enough to live a normal life (i.e. go to work, wake up and get stuff done), but more often, I can and I do. To the reader without a mental health issue like OCD, that may not seem like such a big deal, but for the person in the midst of this heinous suffering, all you want is to be normal. I understand.

A final note: This blog will not heal you; it does not have that power. But God does, and I believe that if you are here reading this, you were led here for a reason. Know that you are welcome here, and you are not judged by your thoughts. You were fearfully and wonderfully made by the LORD. He knows your struggle and every thought. So, if you are up for it, I’ll tell you about my story with OCD and God’s hand in and through it all. Check back at least weekly for new entries. Though you are a stranger, I am praying for you. Keep fighting.

With Love,

Jackie

#ocdhelp #godocd

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