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goddammitross · 8 years

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AU MASTER LIST

So here is a bunch of AU’s that I’ve collected over…. a long time. Enjoy

Awkward Meetings

I broke your nose in a mosh pit, sorry

I hit you with my car and was the only one to visit you in the hospital, this is sort of awkward, are you okay?

You’re getting chased by the police and you just jumped in my car and yelled drive, wtf man

You just punched me in the face while gesturing wildly to a friend, your friend can’t stop laughing and im too shocked to respond to your apologies

You laughed in a restaurant, but your laugh is really weird and I thought you were choking so I’m awkwardly humping you while attempting to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre and why isn’t this working, you’re just choking harder now this is aweful

We met on a Sunday morning, both doing our walk of shame

I get really sick on roller-coasters and you are sitting in front of me, im so sorry

You’re the bastard who keeps parking in front of my house and you just caught me drawing a dick on your window with a permanent marker… ugh, oops.

I work at a department store and if you take out and unfold another fucking shirt and just leave it, I’m going to fucking shove it down your throat

You broke into my apartment drunk thinking it was your friends place and I should call the cops by my cat likes you so????

You’re my new dealer and you just friended me on Facebook and idk how to react to that

You saw me reading the same book you are and now we are arguing about the motives of the antagonist

This is a five-hour-long plane ride, we’re sitting together and you’re deathly afraid of flying.

I got into a cab to find someone already inside

You thought I was your friend/sister

Holy shit, im in the wrong car.

I was walking by a roller coaster and your shoe flew off and hit me in the head and now I’m on the floor trying not to fall unconscious.

It’s 2am and I’m drunk and I need some salt for my fries and I know your awake so OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR

You fell asleep on me in the subway and I should probably wake you up and its my stop next stop but it’s okay, I can always just catch the subway back…

I know nothing about camping and all my friends left me at the site. Please, help me, I think I just heard a bear

This has been a shitty week and you just grabbed the last box of my favourite comfort food from the shelf, do you really want to fight me rn?

We met in a movie theatre and now you’re clinging to me because your terrified and I’m okay with that because it means I get your popcorn.

You had a party and I got really drunk and stole your microwave, so now I’m at your place and your super hungover so here, I made breakfast?

Neighbour/Roomate

The guy living below me has a really loud alarm clock that always wakes me up at the crack of dawn

I went to investigate a scream and found my neighbour standing on a chair to avoid a rat/mouse/cricket (etc.)

My neighbour has a really squeaky bed and my bedroom is below theirs

You keep stealing my doormat and HAH, I’ve got you this time thief!

The apartment above me has left their tap on or something and water is leaking through my ceiling

My neighbour’s sibling got the wrong house number and barged into my apartment on accident.

My roommate keeps stealing my coffee so now I make extra

You’re my new neighbour and wow man, you have some really weird habits.

You’re my neighbour and you are stealing my wifi to watch porn and can you not?

You locked yourself outside of your apartment and there’s a storm rolling in and I pity you so please come into my apartment I’ll make you hot chocolate?

I heard you singing at 3 am and joined in and now you’re at my door and wtf mate I think your drunk but your voice is really nice so?

I just set the fire alarm in our building off again… sorry. I know its like the fourth time this week…

You keep mowing your lawn when I’m trying to sleep and seriously FUCK YOU

My new neighbour is really hot and wow I didn’t even like women until now? And now she is in the garden planting flowers in her bikini wow… im in too deep

It’s 3 am and you’re blasting off classic rock at full volume and your music taste might be awesome but soME PEOPLE are trying to sLEEP

We’ve never met but we shower at the same time and our showers are on opposite sides of the same apartment wall so sometimes we start duets?

Pets

I’m out walking and my dog started chasing your dog.

My cat/dog ran away and you just found it but refuse to accept the reward.

We are neighbours and your cat got my cat pregnant… so, wanna raise this little kitty family?

My pet tarantula/snake (etc) escaped and I forgot to warn the guy below me who is terrified of snakes/spiders

I need you to pet sit my pet for a while and I forgot to mention it’s a snake, the mice are in the freezer. Thanks, bye

My cat really hates you cat and that’s the third time this week I’ve had to pry them apart.

My cat keeps breaking into your apartment and it ate all your plants… dinner to make up for it?

My cat sneaked out on the balcony and into your open window and he has this habit of destroying furniture and pissing everywhere so I followed him inside and you cam home earlier than I expected and found me in the middle of your living room and honestly I’m not a burglar

Your dog likes me a thousand times better than she likes your partner and sorry not sorry I love this dog

You were walking your dog when you found me passed out on a park bench and thank you for waking me up and buying coffee instead of stealing my wallet

Music

I’m on a bus and wow, you’re singing really loudly and everyone is giving you weird looks, hey bud, tone it down, also great choice in music

You play Double Bass/Cello and I play 1st chair Violin and we keep making eye contact and damn your super cute.

You play in an orchestra and I love these songs so much, plus you’re really cute. Shit man, you’ll never notice me in the huge crowd…

Music is kinda illegal and my friend just died and apparently he wrote music and wow I want to know what it sounds like and to play it at his funeral but I don’t know how to. You’re a well-known music dealer, do you happen to understand these notes? Can you help me?

I tried to act cool at this concert and I thought I was leaning on a wall but apparently it was a speaker and now it’s on the ground in pieces and everyone’s glaring at me… sorry?

Supernatural

I’m a wizard and I just accidently apparated into your house. Oops.

I died over 2000 years ago and you’ve been dead for like 2 hours, man, damn it now I have to explain this shit to you. Great.

I’m immortal and you’re mortal and I don’t know how to explain this to you and soon enough you’re going to realise that I’m not aging… shiiittt

You’re a greek god and I’m the roman counterpart.

I’m a ghost and your alive and I think I’m in love with you…. Fuck.

You’re a faun and I’m a Satry

I’m half demon and people often judge me based on my looks, but your blind and wow you actually like me?

I’m a time traveller and I went back in time and wow I think I’m in love with you, fuck this isn’t good, I just faked being George Washington… wait what? George Washington doesn’t exist here? Shit… I actually am George Washington.

I’m a writer and your my character and wtf how the heck did you just literally climb out of my first draft?

I’m a werewolf but I don’t want to tell you because my wolf form might be that really small chihuahua you keep mentioning you see when I go out…

I’m an android and you’re a human and wow what is that warmth I feel when I see you?

I’m a homesick telepath and you’re the poor soul who is receiving all these emotions, sorry

Somehow I’m in your body and you’re in mine and shit man being this close to the ground is fucked up.

I’m a genie an d you rubbed my lamp so congrats you get three wishes but you can’t seem to think of shit and why the fuck do I have to be stuck with you? Hurry up and think of some wishes okay?

I was an awful angel and as punishment I have to be your guardian angel and wow your super cute and nice but I still hate you

You keep having strange dreams that turn out to be us in a past life and you’re determined to fine me again but in this life I’m already dead.

We live in the year 3090, you’re a scientist and I’m your assistant. Unfortunately and experiment goes wrong and I die. Now you’re trying to put my brain into a robot but its not the same

I’m a vampire and I have a moment of weakness, you’re nearby and lets just say it doesn’t end well

I’m a dragon and you’re a really hot prince, that’s right, they locked up the wrong royalty.

You’re a pirate and I’m a siren and woah… are you asexual? That’s so cool, hey wait, don’t go I just want to talk

Your mirror is a doorway into my dimension and I can see everything….

Listen I am genetically modified and you WILL let me hide in your house

Ok, so I panicked and kissed this human so he wouldn’t drown. And I know you don’t want me to keep him, and we can’t let him leave if he knows about us mere people so what do you want to do?

School/College

I just got partnered with you in dance class and I can’t dance for shit

You’re my science lab partner and how the fuck did you just explode that beaker?

I’m an art student and you just found my sketchbook and you’re going through it. Shit man can you give that back, I don’t care how good you think they are just don’t turn that page…

You’re the school dork and I’m the school jock and fuck you can see where this is going

We are the only two kids who ride this school bus, maybe we should carpool?

I thought you were my roomies new boyfriend so I invited you in but your actually the RA of the dorm and now you think I want to have sex with you

I accidently flooded the laundry room and you really need to do laundry

You’re sitting in my seat in this lecture and who even are you? I’ve never seen you before… wait what, stop checking me out!

We argued so much during a class discussion that we both got kicked out and we’re still arguing outside the class

You left your USB in the library computer and I had to go through your files to figure out who you are and in the end I read the entirety of this book you’re working on and wow you’re really good?

I’m a traditional painter who has to take a basic Photoshop class, you’re a graphic design major sitting next to me and getting sucked into helping me out because Im so shitty at this

My pottery bowl exploded in the kiln and I feel like a failure, you found me crying about it in the hallway and are now trying to comfort me and your sweater is really soft wow sorry

You and your friends have been playing the penis game in the library for the last five minutes and none of you have gotten above a quiet yell and fuck it I’m trying to study over her so fuck you I’m going to put an end to this game by winning

We are both teachers and at the end of the year we compare how many gifts we’ve received from student and you’ve won for the past three years

Romeo and Juliet of the math and English departments

I want to get along with you roomie… but I like star wars… and you like star trek… this isn’t going to work.

I usually talk to my friends through morse code in class but… apparently you know morse too… and now you know I think your butt is cute

I got cursed and turned into an animal and taken to the shelter and now I’m being adopted by someone who is really hot OH FUCKING NO

Near Death Experiences

Wow I was just in a fatal accident and who the hell are you? What is this I’m I dying? Wait no, I don’t want this, how do I get out of it? A deal you say, I’ll take it.

You’re an executioner and I’m about to be executed but you can’t seem to run the guillotine, wait what, why are we running away, man you’re my favourite executioner

Our plane/boat crashed and now it’s just us on this island.

I just took a super dangerous job and your trying to talk me out of it, but we really need the money

It’s the middle of a war and I’m on a ship that you’re ship just torpedoed. Now I’m a prisoner and wow why can’t I feel my legs. I’m not cooperating until I can feel them again. What the fuck do you mean I’m paralysed?

I’m addicted to ____ (drugs/alcohol etc) and you found me in an alleyway due to after effects of my addiction (beat up, overdose etc) and decide to take me in.

I sold my soul to bring you back to life and I don’t have long left please make this time count

Mistaken and Secret Identities

I’m a thief/hacker/murder and you’ve found out my identity and have been bugging me for days to take you on as your partner

I’m a superhero and you want to be like me but in doing so become a supervillain, what do you mean you don’t understand why I’m punching you?

I’m a superhero, you’re a supervillain, but we don’t know each other’s identities and we are actually best friends

I’m runaway royalty and you’re a commoner, fuck I’m so screwed I need your help, I’ll explain later

You think I’m a celebrity and you’re talking too much for me to explain I am defintely not… that dude. What was his name again?

You’re a superhero and I’m your best friend and what the fuck man? Why the hell didn’t you tell me? If you had maybe I would be fucking caught with this stupid ass monologue-ing villain

I have a very cute neighbour and very thin walls and one day I call you and err… your moans are very synchronised with my neighbour's…

I’m a superhero and you’re a supervillain and I saw you visiting kids at the children’s hospital and letting them act like they defeated you and now it’s really hard to punch you in the face

Profession Based

Your my mailman and I can’t help but notice that you linger at my door slightly longer than you need to ever since you saw me that one time. Do you want to come inside?

I’m a private detective and your my client and fuck man you’re in some deep shit

You’re a protester and I’m a police officer. Seriously can you please calm down a little bit, this is my job not my beliefs.

I’m a make-up artist/hair stylist and I you’re an actor/model and are you flirting or???

You’re a celebrity and sorry mate, I have to take pictures to pay rent, I know its invasive seriously, sorry

You’re a store clerk and fuck, is that my ex? Can I please hide behind this counter?

You’re a lifeguard at my kid’s swimming competition and I fell in the pool with all my clothes on and you awkwardly tried to save me even though I didn’t need it.

You work at a pet store and I came in to look at tarantulas but somehow we lost the biggest one and its loose somewhere in the store and it really doesn’t help that you’re terrified of spiders

I’m a firefighter and you started a fire in your kitchen but you’re still flirting with me even though you’re not wearing pants and I’m carrying you down a ladder. Stop complimenting my muscles for fucks sake

We work at the same company and I kind of had a crush on you until I noticed that you’re the asshole stealing my lunch from the office fridge.

I’m a firefighter and you live near the station I work at and we talk/flirt with each other a lot. One day me and my team get called to put out a fire and it’s your home ablaze. You don’t make it.

I work at a fruit store and you come in almost every day and rearrange stuff on the shelves and then leave. Today you made the apples spell ‘call me’

It’s 2am and I was just trying to get home but I left my sunroof open all day and now there’s a squirrel in my car and it scared me and I drove into a pole - stop laughing! You’re a cop, aren’t you supposed to be helping?

You’re drunk and want my name tattooed on your ass.

You always bring your dates to the restaurant I wait at and now you’re here alone… you okay mate?

Winter Times

It’s snowing and I usually walk to work but that’s not happening, hey roomie, can you please drive me? Yes I know its 4am

I accidently gave all my winter clothes to charity over the summer and not its not so much summer, but I’m broke and hey… could you give me your old winter clothes… maybe?

I love the cold, but I promised to visit you for a good 4 months and wow, why did I do this? There isn’t snow here?

I don’t know you, but you just threw a snowball at my face, mate, its on.

I don’t know who the hell you are, but my roommate has someone over and It’s really cold outside…. Can I come in? Or like, have a blanket, or even a towel?

Old Friends

I knew you in high school and I ran into you at a renaissance fair wearing full knight regalia

I met you once when I was 12, we started a pen-pal relationship across the world and haven’t stopped even though we are a lot older now.

You were my best friend when we were younger but your family moved to the other side of the world, and we haven’t talked in years. But now your back and wow how did you recognise me when I can’t even remember your name?

Fake Dating

I hired you to be my date for a wedding but your super cute, maybe we cannot fake-date?

I’m fake dating you to have someone to vent to on family gatherings while also pissing off my conservative uncle that I never liked and wow… have your eyes always been this nice?

We’re both cosplayers and we somehow always manage to meet each other at cons dressed as a popular ship and people always want photos of us in compromising positions and so we always end up fake-dating the entire day but you’re actually really hot and I’m head over heels for you

My friend dragged me to this party and I just saw my ex, quick make out with me, I’ll pay you.

Miscellaneous

I’m blind and wow your voice is absolutely beautiful can you just keep talking? Forever? Please?

My younger sibling is besties with your sibling and even though we hate each other I guess we’ve got to start hanging out a little

We are both at a grocery store at am and you offered to arm wrestle me for the last box of cereal, its on!

You’re sleeping on my best friend’s couch while your house is being renovated and you have really weird habits like attempting to sing opera in the shower and you keep eating all my Nutigrain

We bump into each other every Friday at the supermarket to buy the same ice-cream and maybe we should eat it together?

Our parents are dating and thank god I’m not the only one pissed off about this

I went to museum to get some inspiration and then I saw you staring at one of the paintings in awe and wow you just noticed me drawing you and this is awkward

I decide to take a shortcut home that involves crawling through a really tight hole in a fence and I end up getting stuck and you just happened to pass by and now you’re laughing at me

I took a bunch of free condoms from health services just because I could and they all fell out of my bag at once and now you’re staring at me weirdly

We are trapped in a bank during a robbery

Your country is trying to take over mine and I might be a little attracted to you and stop this it’s really hard to retaliate okay?

I was on my balcony and you started loudly quoting romeo and juliet at me

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goddammitross · 8 years

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Will be moving this blog to my writing account, which has a separate email. Last post on this blog will be a link to the other one.

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goddammitross · 8 years

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Daniel Avidan Factsheet

MUSIC

Was the vocalist for The Northern Hues in the early 2000s

Was the vocalist for Skyhill, which formed in winter of 2006

The Skyhill album was written about a girl that he had planned on marrying but she broke it off with him

Formed Ninja Sex Party with Brian Wecht in 2009

Formed Starbomb with Brian and Arin and they do songs about Video Games

Danny Sexbang’s full stage name is Daniel Y. Sexbang. Danny claims that the Y stands for “You”, saying his name is “enveloping you in a sensual manner”. (cause he’s a fucking dork)

His favorite band of all time is Rush

Can list all the rush albums in order in under 45 seconds

Biggest influences for NSP are Flight of the Conchords, Tenacious D, and The Lonely Island

Stage name was originally Danny Sweetnuts

Wings for Marie by Tool will make him cry every single time

Can play bass guitar

In kindergarten, he gained his love of singing when his teacher Mr. Burkhardt encouraged him when he came up to the front of the class to sing with his guitar playing

Realized he wanted to do musical comedy after a musical improv course with Eliza Skinner at UCB where he had to make up a song on the spot, and he sang a song about Mr Tumnus from Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe meeting girls but the goat half was the wrong half.

Least favorite Rush song is “Tai Shan”

CHILDHOOD to EARLY TWENTIES

Born in New Jersey

Lived in Westfield, NJ

Born Leigh Daniel Avidan

March 14th, 1979

Has obsessive personality traits

Has a younger sister, Dana

Danny’s sister used to practice fencing. And is in his own words, is “The Craziest Fucking Fencer Westfield, New Jersey had ever seen.”

Is Jewish, but is non practicing; Is an Ashkenazic Jew, is agnostic

Danny’s father, Avi, was born in Israel. After serving as a tank commander in the Yom Kippur war, he moved to the USA, where he met Danny’s mother in a subway. They got engaged not long after. (Avi is also part mongolian)

His grandfather was a Holocaust survivor (Avi’s father)

Danny’s mother is from Norway

Dan’s maternal grandfather, Bernard Schwartz, while partnered with Richard M. Berman, invented the body electrode, a medical device responsible for saving billions of lives worldwide.

Taught himself to talk (which is why he refers to his grandma as Mom, and his parents by their first names)

His first language was Hebrew though he’s since forgotten all of it

Was very obsessed with Inky from Pac Man because he’s blue

Loved dinosaurs (Specifically Stegosaurus) with a passion

Had a lisp where he couldn’t really pronounce “S” (so stegosaurus was thegothauruth)

Got the scar on his eyebrow from falling off of a box when he was three

Won a drawing contest by drawing a stegosaurus and then lied (because he thought taking credit for something was bragging) and said that he copied it out of a book

Fractured his forearm when he was ten while playing basketball

Had his tonsils removed

Told his parents when he was 3 or 4 that he dug the Kumran Caves in Israel

Had his Bar Mitzvah in Israel

Took Karate but didn’t want to hit people so he instead started taking dance classes (inspired I Just Wanna Dance)

At age 10, had his favorite NY Giants hat blown off when he stuck his head out of the car window and cried, and his dad went into oncoming traffic to get it back.

In his late teens, Danny got sick with mono and it led to depression and OCD

In HS, he injured his neck to the point of needing a neck brace when he tried to suck his own dick. He tried again two weeks later

As a child, Danny once adopted a fruit fly as a pet until his dad walked into the room and unwittingly stepped on it, much to Dan’s despair.

Dan bought a My Little Pony doll after finding out his sister had one, and decided to show it to his friends at school.

Had his first kiss at age 17

Didn’t lose his virginity until 23 and it was with a very good friend of his

Had a fear of skeleton enemies in games as a child

On a trip to Hershey Park, he learned that he couldn’t sweat properly and he basically suffered heat stroke and his vision went white for roughly twenty minutes.

Saw JAWS as a child and now has a permanent, crippling fear of the ocean (and basically any big body of water) and Sharks

Had three fish named Lineas, Aximander, and Bob

Had two anole lizards named Lizzy and Lizel

Played little league baseball and didn’t pay any attention

He made sand castles in the dirt and his dad said “Debbie, i don’t think dan is going to be an athlete”

Got hit in the balls by a baseball that had been hit BY the bat and says he can still feel it if he thinks about it

Played basketball in 6th grade

As a kid he and his friends would go to this trail that led up into a mountain range and they found a big flat stone that looked like a table and they called themselves the Knights of the Not-So-Round Table and they’d LARP

Played lots of Magic: The Gathering and kept a tally of how many games he won and lost

Got ‘arrested’ for walking down the street with a bunch of friends while carrying beer and the police were really nice to them

Only ever hit someone once, and it was his sister because she hit him a bunch as kids and when he told Avi, he said “well hit her back!” and so Dan just whacked her square in the back (not as self defense) and Avi said “Not now!” and he felt suuuuuuper bad.

Avi taught him to play soccer

Used to eat chapstick

Only ever stole one thing. He was four and it was grape chapstick.

Went to Boston University

Spent a semester in Talloires, France through an exchange program with Tufts University (to do so, he had to take a class on Flowers of the French Alps and Epidemiology and he failed them both while there, but eh)

Went to college for advertising but decided he hated how fucked up it was and thus has done nothing with it

Studied Botany (france), Egyptology, Archaeology, and no doubt more nerdy things

Studied comedy and improv at UCB in New York

His AIM profile quote was “Jesus is coming. Look busy.”

In his freshman year of college he was moved out of his dorm by administration for “threatening a student” when he and his friend Greg hung their study friend Kelly’s Kermit the Frog doll from the cieling fan with a noose made of socks.. They put it on slow rotation and wrote on the whiteboard “It’s not easy being green.”

Wasn’t a good student in school

Had two pet hamsters named Sam-I-Am and Sack-a-pack.

Had an Afghan hound named Zack (Zack was a girl)

Had a pet chinchilla

He wanted to give his first dead fish a proper burial and took it to the park in a baggie and went to dump it in the pond but it got stuck so he had to shake the bag wildly and his mom was laughing her ass off from the car.

Earliest memory he can recall is his first day of Hebrew nursery school and he cried behind the piano until Miss Gloria taught him to play with blocks. He threw em at some people and acted up because he didn’t think his mom would come back for him.

Was a slob when he was younger

Wanted a gold plated bike when he was in 3rd/4th grade

Had a music teacher that consistently told him he wouldn’t amount to anything (and obviously dan amounted to many awesome fuckin’ things!!!)

DRUG DAYS

Was a heavy potsmoker for several years

Once wrestled an alligator in the Everglades while high off his ass

Parasailed off of the French Alps

Once spent roughly $800 on strippers and champagne in New Orleans

When he was 24, he spent basically a year playing Morrowind and getting high to the point where he started to confuse real life and the game

Once baked a tray of pot brownies and spent the next three days doing nothing but eating them

Can imitate the sound of a bong perfectly

Tried mushrooms once and hallucinated that he was a giant ball and he broke through the roof of reality

Had blue hair and dreadlocks in the same year

Once got a U-Haul truck stuck under a bridge and the roof had to be laser cut off of the top of it

While in Trinidad/Tobago, smoked roughly 3 lbs of pot between four people in four days

MISC

Joined Game Grumps on June 25th, 2013

Is the most pacifisty pacifist ever

Says he’s only good at like, a max of 10 games

Wears contact lenses most of the time but also has glasses

Apparently has perfect pitch

Used to work for Maker Sudios, Gamestop, Midtown Comics in NYC, a coffee shop called Mug Shots, was a spokesperson for a cartoon company called Mondo for a while

Knows a little bit of French from spending a semester in France in college

Lives with Barry

Is a gullible goofball

First time he ever wore a thong he described it as being “really, really tight”

Has cosplayed like 10 times ever and every time he’s Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Bebop

Calls cops “Jakes” (because cops look like dudes named Jake)

Loves human contact — hugs, high fives, snuggles, hand hugs, etc

Meditates frequently

Reads self help books

Still has nightmares about PT

Drives a Nissan

If he eats too late or sleeps on his back he experiences sleep paralysis and/or night terrors

Has dyslexia

Is a silent crier

Has no problems crying in front of people

Has never seen Titanic

Is a very introverted extrovert

Is only truly sad now when he’s not around people for a long length of time, but he has his limits on how much time he can spend with people before it exhausts him.

Is bad at folding laundry.

Was part of a group that did dramatic readings of bad fanfiction, and has therefore read the masterpiece that is My Immortal

Used to go to sleep to Arin’s Zelda Sequelitis

Sleeps on his right side

SEXUAL

Was once invited to an orgy by a lesbian couple he was friends with (but he didn’t do it)

Has had a threesome with two women

Calls his dick Excalibur (because he’s a fucking nerd)

Fucked a cantaloupe once (daniel pls)

Manscapes his junk

Has blowdried his balls before (wouldn’t that hurt tho?)

His dick curves upwards

He says his dick is 7 ¾ inches

Took classes in tantra and therefore had to take a vow of celibacy for four months

Doesn’t like PDA very much

Doesn’t really understand the appeal of glory holes

A sex shop in NJ thought that Dan was a stripper because he came in and bought so many thongs

Nearly shot himself directly in the face with jizz when he was 16 or so

The first time he ever played hooky from school he ended up getting a “hot blowie” from his girlfriend at the time (he brought her soup cause she was sick and welp)

FOOD

Favorite ice cream flavor is chocolate though he loves himself some green tea ice cream

Favorite food is Skittles and his favorite thing to wash them down with is Pepsi

Also loves Ritz crackers

And sushi (mmmmm sushi)

Hasn’t eaten fast food in about ten years

Hasn’t had an alcoholic drink or been high in three or four years

Eats cottage cheese on English Muffins

Used to put m&ms in cottage cheese

Eats applesauce with Latkes

Eats when he’s nervous

ANATOMY

Left-Handed

Is 6′2″ and around 150 pounds (or less) and has a very rough time gaining weight which bothers him

Has stomach problems (Can’t eat Red Meat anymore, or nuts) and needs medication for it, has really bad stomach cramps

His thumbs are huge (brachydactyly)

Hasn’t cut his hair since joining Game Grumps and plans on donating it to WigsForKids when it reaches a certain length.

Blood type is O+

Has to wear kinda dorky tennis shoes because they help his legs and feet feel better since one of his legs kind of goes in farther than the other and without them, he’s in pain

In New Jersey, they don’t measure your height when you get a liscense and Dan was like “hmm i wanna be 6′3″” so he told them he was 6′3″ and his NJ driver’s lisence says he’s an inch taller than he actually is.

Had acupuncture once in his 20s.

Wears 34′ length jeans (he’s alllll legs)

Took pole dancing classes for a while

Takes (or took) yoga

ENCOUNTERS/TRAVEL

Danny met one of the creators of Archer (Adam Reed), and Adam was drunk and punched him in the balls.

Got to meet Peter S. Beagle (Author of The Last Unicorn) and got his film cel signed “To Danny, who honors me” and he had heard Dan’s cover of the opening song as well.

Has been to Japan, Israel, Holland, Norway, France, New Zealand, Canada, Trinidad/Tobago, Scotland, Mexico

Got to meet a circus monkey and thought it was cool as hell

Friends with Peter Dinklage’s cousin

Witnessed a man being chased by three machete-wielding dudes in Trinidad/Tobago

Was going to go skydiving and got up to the day of and backed out

FAVORITES/LIKES/COLLECTIONS/DISLIKES

His favorite games of all time are Sierra point-and-click games

Favorite football team is the New York Giants

Collects football helmets

Bought a flanged mace because they’re fucking awesome

Favorite movie is The Last Unicorn

Favorite hockey team is the San Jose Sharks

His favorite words are butler, shrub, headbutt, buttcheeks, dictator, mystical, legume, corduroy

Favorite unit of measurement is ‘dickload’

Favorite anime is Cowboy Bebop

Loves to read

Likes boobs more than butts but butts are pretty fuckin’ rad too

Hates tomatoes

Hates scary stuff (jumpscares especially) but appreciates the creepy-type of scary

Aliens and Terminator 2 are two of his most favorite Sci-Fi movies

He read Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy so many times that he has the Bogon poetry memorized

Is jealous of people with deep voices

Favorite Disney movie is The Black Cauldron

One of his favorite movies is Wet Hot American Summer

Thinks freckles are absolutely adorable

Doesn’t like coconut

Likes doing the dishes; finds it zen and relaxing

Chips Ahoy! are one of his favorite cookie brands

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goddammitross · 8 years

Text

RANDOM SENTENCE STARTERS

Following my AUs and Prompts List from a few months back, here is a compilation of my favorite sentence starters for all your writing needs.

Because most of them aren’t mine, credits are at the end.

SHORT

“Marry me.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“You are not going without me.”

“I can’t believe you!”

“I swear it won’t happen again.”

“What did you say?”

“I’m not jealous.”

“You’re jealous, aren’t you?”

“We can’t keep doing this.”

“Are you sure this is legal?”

“Isn’t this amazing?”

“I’m going to take care of you, okay?”

“Stay the night. Please.”

“You can’t die. Please don’t die.”

“Run away with me.”

“You did WHAT?”

“Quit whining.”

“Get outta my sight!”

“Why are you so annoying?”

“Were you ever going to tell me?”

"Never in a million years.”

“Don’t ask me that…”

“I might have had a few shots.”

“What’s with the box?”

“W- What are you doing?”

“Say it!”

“I could kiss you right now!”

“Are you done with that?”

“What’s going on here?”

“Stop pinning this on me! You started it!”

“It’s your fault we’re in this mess.”

“Did you do this on purpose?!”

“Kiss me.”

“Are you still awake..?”

“Excuse you?”

“This is all your fault!”

“I can’t believe you dragged me into this.”

“Don’t give me that look! It wasn’t my fault!”

“I shouldn’t be in love with you!”

“It’s not fair!”

“I could kill you right now!”

“Knock it off!”

“Screw you!”

“You’re a complete moron!”

“I love this song!”

“I can’t be in love with you!”

“Make me.”

“Don’t tempt me.”

“I hate you.”

“You are infuriating!”

“Just shut up already.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

“Bite me.”

“Eat me.”

“Kiss my ass.”

“Just admit I’m right.”

“Just admit you’re wrong.”

“You are being ridiculous!”

“That’s irrational.”

“Listen to me!”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

“Don’t yell at me.”

“That’s it. End of discussion.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“You shouldn’t have said that.”

“Fuck you!”

“Shut your mouth before I shut it for you.”

“How dare you?”

“I dare you!”

“It’s you, it’s always been you.”

“Well this is awkward…”

“Just pretend to be my date”.

MISCELLANEOUS

“Are you really gonna leave without asking me the question you’ve been dying to ask me?”

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

“I just did some calculations, and I’ve been able to determine that you’re full of shit.”

“You know what I like most about people? Pets.”

“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?”

“What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.”

“I don’t hate you.. I just don’t like that you exist.”

“Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.”

“Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.”

“Did you really just insult Captain America in front of me?”

“Can I touch your boob?”

“It’s not that you’re wrong, exactly, you’re just extremely not right.”

“You shouldn’t be trusted with small children, should you?”

“Give me cake or give me death.”

“On a scale from, ’I can sometimes make important phone calls without crying’ to ’I have a stable job with a steady income, a spouse who loves me, a dog, and two kids who are screwed up minimally at worst’, how much of an adult are you?”

“You think I’m dumb enough to fall for that stupid move?”

“Despite the cliche, it’s not me, it’s you.”

“Obviously you can’t tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can’t.”

“No, it was my fault for thinking that you might care.”

“When you love someone, you just don’t stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy… even then. Specially then!”

“If you’re not scared, then you’re not taking a chance. If you’re not taking a chance, then what the hell are we doing anyway?”

“I think I’ve been holding myself back from falling in love with you all over again.”

“What have I told you about the toilet seat?”

“I tried to change the duvet and I got stuck inside.”

“I vote today to be a pajama day.”

“You have to tell me why were committing a felony before we do it. Not that that’s going to stop us, but at least I’ll have all the facts.”

“I don’t leave messages. If I wanted to talk to a machine, I’d talk to my VCR.”

“I can be flexible. As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I’m totally flexible.”

“You know we’re suppose to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you, and you know it, too. I know you do.”

“Those things you said yesterday… Did you mean them?”

“I’m not going to apologise for this. Not anymore.”

“What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.”

“I am NOT crying, okay?! I’m allergic to jerks!”

“This would not happen if I had a penis!”

“That’s almost exactly the opposite of what I meant.”

“All nighter, you and me. First one to fall sleep buys the other dinner.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever played spin the bottle.”

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to touch your butt.”

“I’m ok, thank you. Just please, stop talking to me.”

“To the night you’ll never remember!”

“Excuse me, did the 12:15 bus come by already?”

“Could I sit here? All the other tables are full.”

“Are you meeting someone here? Because.. I think I’m that person.”

“You weren’t supposed to laugh! I’m so embarrassed!”

“It must be hard with your sense of direction, never being able to find your way to a decent pickup line.”

“Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his/her cake hole.”

“I’m not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren’t even hot.”

“You better take care of that car or I swear I’ll haunt your ass!”

“This is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done.“

“It’s a real shame nobody asked for your opinion.”

“I could do that, but could doesn’t mean would.”

“You cannot fathom the immensity of the fucks I don’t give.”

“You’re like, five feet tall. How you gonna reach me, shortie?”

"I recognize that you have reached a decision, but given that it is a stupid ass decision I have elected to ignore it”

“Do you need me to kill someone for you?”

“Look out where you’re going, asshole!”

“Fuck the sandwich guy!”

“I did not mean for stripping to come out of this.”

“The whole street is blocked off. The police won’t tell us anything, but I think there’s been some kind of attack… Maybe a bomb?”

“Oh my god, are you okay? I’m calling the police. I think I saw who did this to you.”

“I’m weird, you’re weird, we could have weird little babies and live weirdly ever after if it wasn’t for the fact I find you repulsive.”

“There is nothing wrong with planning a wedding with a video game character.”

“I’m gonna lay down and die for like half hour okay?”

“There’s been some real friction in our friend group lately. I suggest an orgy to save our friendships.”

“It’s midnight, what do you want?”

“I think I know how to use a bed.”

“If I wake up in the morning and I’m dead… Wait.”

“You are completely unfit to handle a child.”

“We have to get out of this place. It is EVIL.”

“Don’t you dare throw that snowba-, goddammit!”

“When in doubt curl into the fetal position and give up on life.”

“It’s not a double date, we’re just third and forth wheeling.”

PREGNANCY

“I have something to tell you…”

“I think I’m pregnant.”

“I’m pregnant!”

“When were you going to tell me that you’re pregnant?”

“You’re smart and successful with an adorable belly.”

“$50 bucks says it’s a girl/boy.”

“Pregnancy suits you…”

“Hello little one. We can’t wait to meet you…”

“I’ll just be in the bathroom throwing my fucking guts up because our unborn kid wants to be a dick!”

“There’s someone I’d like you to meet…”

“Shh… He/she’s sleeping..”

“I have a special surprise for you. Close your eyes and follow me.”

“No, no, no, no, no, we aren’t ready… We aren’t ready for kids yet!”

“Oh, gosh, I felt it! I felt a kick!”

FLUFF

“Your hair is so soft…”

“You’re so cute when you pout like that!”

“Just relax, I’ll wash your hair for you.”

“I’m not going to stop poking you until you give me some attention.”

“What, does that feel good?”

“HA! I found a weak-spot on you, didn’t I?”

“Are you wearing my shirt?”

“You are ridiculously comfortable…”

“I’ve had a rough day and honestly all I want right now is a drink and someone to cuddle with…”

“You’re so cute when you’re half asleep like this…”

“You’re beautiful, you know that?”

“We should get a puppy!”

STARGAZING

“Aren’t they beautiful?”

“These stars are nothing compared to the ones I’ve seen in your eyes.”

“Shooting star, make a wish.”

“It’s actually a comet, but I’ll still make one.”

“Imagine if it could always be this way, even in the city.”

“Never thought something so beautiful could exist in nature…”

“Wouldn’t it be cool to name a star after yourself?”

“Y'know, your roof may not be the safest place for us to stargaze.”

“This is why you made me drive three hours out into the middle of nowhere?”

“Is that a– Wait, no, just an airplane.”

“I wouldn’t mind falling asleep out here.

FLIRTY/SUGGESTIVE/SEXUAL

“Did you just… finish?”

“They always make shower sex sound so appealing, but honestly, this is getting dangerous.”

“I’m not actually feeling anything.”

“Are you getting any closer?”

“Why do they make this look so easy in all those porn movies?! This hurts like fuck!”

“Did something just happen? You’re not turned on anymore.”

“Shit sorry, am I going too fast?”

“Wow, you’re hot.”

“Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

“Hey, I’m open minded.”

“Keep sweet-talking and this could go a whole new direction.”

“I think it’s about time we stop avoiding the obvious.”

“I’m gonna be honest with you. I’m really horny, and you’re really hot. Can we fuck? Like, now?”

“I see someone’s happy to see me.”

“I saw that. You just checked me out.”

“You know, when this is over, we should really have angry sex.”

“Take off your clothes.”

“Tell all those other guys/girls you don’t need them ‘cause you got me.”

“Don’t give me that face, it’s so cute I might not be able to hold back.”

“Boobs are really just squishy pillows.”

“If you don’t get turned on by having your neck kissed somethings wrong with you.”

“Blasphemy! Sex solves everything.”

“I platonically want to have sex with you. No big deal.”

TEXTS

[text]: What do you want now?

[text]: Do you want to bet on that?

[text]: Guess who just got back in town.

[text]: So I might be in a hospital right now…

[text]: We can’t keep doing this anymore!

[text]: Come on, come to the party!

[text]: Can you pick me up from the bar? Too drunk to drive.

[text]: You have no clue how I feel so shut up.

[text]: I call bullshit.

[text]: You thought you could get away with that, didn’t you?

[text] I gave up great shower sex to be here so don’t say I never did anything for our friendship.

[text] Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.

[text] Also, my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall.

[text] Who says no to sex and donuts?!

[text] I know what you did last summer…

Sources: x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

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