flower-witch05

[flower-witch05]

I've learnt that you can only give yourself so much self love. There is only enough to pour. You can over do it and over shadow other priorities.

As the years pass on from raising my younger siblings the attachment of being more than just their older sister is very much engraved in me. The time has come of which I need to detach and stop worrying of their growth.

I worry just like another parent or caregiver as they do not wish all the hardship upon the young. However I need to accept I cannot save them and think as if this is what their journey has come to be to help shape them as mine has shaped me for many reasons.

[flower-witch05]

During my primary school days I was loud and confident loved singing performing and speaking in front of others I loved participating in sport I was good at it. Enjoyed all walks of life, always. Came to high school I was the same girl. I had never shied away from being bubbly and approachable. Its genetic really.

With my upbringing and not being able to identify my insecurities also not knowing my true intentions i had connections that i never regret having.

I lost my virginity at the age of 13/14 I thought I was in love, like truly. We were together for 6 months. As the mind drifts into such great imagination and can visualize I had imagined my future with him and no one else. Until I grew we were exposed to concerts and started socializing more I met another boy at 14 and took his virginity.

We were together for 4 years straight then broke up on and off for 3 years after that. It was insane I was deeply in love with him for selfish reasons as i had never been loved by anyone like he loved me. I needed him so badly. I grew into desperation and into a rhythm that had only suited me. I was toxic. He was allowed to go to parties and do so much more freely while my friends and I weren’t and we had to sneak out of home.  Oh man were we a cool couple tho. We were both extroverts. However we came from two totally different worlds. He had so much going for him and had so much support whereas I didn’t.

I had hit rock bottom in my little life and everything was not working what so ever. So I started heavily drinking days in a row, spend money on alcohol and food. I would go clubbing and had to go home with someone, I was toxic. I even had the cheek to blame those I was surrounding myself around for all my actions. Ya girl was outta control.

Years later I fell in love with another boy. We were matched perfectly. We were both very driven. We had so much in common and he introduced me to a whole different world and found myself even more. We were good at bringing the best out of each other until it went down hill. We were toxic and we communicated in so many different ways. We had different love languages. I had lost myself trying to help and exceeded to others expectations and values that I had forgotten my own. Now that I think about it he was the best for me and the rest of my relationships..

With my love life its a struggle at my age. I notice that I do have commitment issues. I’m terrified of being let down or letting someone else down. I’m scared of rejection of miscommunication. The talking phase and connecting or once it's done I have the urge to leave first so they don't leave me. It scares the fuck out of me for days. So for the last 2 years I’m good at detaching and continuing my life and planning my own future for myself and only myself. Its easier being alone. But ah not entirely. Next step is to pan out how i would want my next relationship to be. How to cruise into it slowly so I’m not so frightened. But who knows my coping mechanisms may not work. I find it hard to shoot my shot only because i don’t want to stoop for my worth of a Goddess.

When is it ever appropriate to shoot your shot. When is being forward acceptable. Baaaah my energy is super crazy. I think i’ll just manifest the rest of my life hahhaahha let life pan itself out i suppose.

Anyways this is a messy written peice. Thanks for reading my vulnerability tbc..

Love and Light always

T

xx

[flower-witch05]

My mum is my best friend...

Today I've chosen to write about my mother. The lady who gave birth to four beautiful children and I happened to be the first. My mother and I haven't had the ideal mother daughter relationship. The whole “My mum is my best friend”. But never the less as I get older to heal and grow from the relationship I've had with both of my parents I realize a couple of things each day.

My mothers upbringing wasn't the most shiniest. She grew up being the oldest of five children. She would cop the hidings and as the oldest has the most responsibility. She had it tough. Her parents spilt when she was young. She was a talented at netballer and singer but trouble growing up in the HB. But that was normal. 

Anyways it was complicated for the both of us she had underlying issues from her childhood that she hadn't ever recovered from. With that she had toxic relationships with my father being the first she went down hill from there.

With my mothers toxic invested relationships I had felt abandoned and betrayed many times from her. All traits of loyalty, trust, love, support, faith, everything nurturing. She then had her second child 6 years after me then another 6 years and then another 4 after that. She still hadn't repaired our relationship let alone uplifted from my other siblings. We’ve had it tough. NO LOVE. 

Now being across the ditch I've had a lot of responsibility lifted off my shoulders and have simply handed them down to my sister who is turning 21 in January. I've gained back my self worth of how I should be treated, loved. I've gained back loyalty, trust kindness. Different ways of the typical Maori or island lifestyle. This is my chance of healing from my childhood and I have done so to live to be me. 

Now that I am healing from mother I love speaking about her. It’s still a challenge to do so but that's because I haven't detached some hidden pain that I didn't know existed. My mum is well and truly alive still but is living out her saddest lifestyle and is a burden to herself and my family. She will never change but doesn't mean I have to remain angry with her. Life is too short. I miss her beautiful singing voice just like Mariah Carey. Her awesome dance moves. Her gentle voice of comfort. I also loved how at times she didn't get me and my sister up for school she would prepare our lunches the night before and leave mnms with a love note in my lunch box. I love her sense of crazy ness in a sense to make others laugh and feel good about themselves. My mum would always give good advice and always accept my mistakes. She was my rock and knew I could always call her at the end of the day. When I felt stuck I would always ring her. She would always cook for me and try her best in which is couldn't see at the time. She is one person that will ask how anyone is and is always keen on a conversation. No matter what she wanted everyone to be happy but herself which brought everyone down. 

My mothers intentions weren't meant to hurt anyone but she had some crazy coping mechanism that had affected everyone around her. We all had different thoughts about her. But now I see an unloved lost child. Only seeking for love in ways she is unsure which is good for her.

Now I  can see all this about her. I have chosen to love her the way i can that she deserves. I cannot bring myself down now because I know I love myself. I cant give her materialistic things or support her to help her heal but I will love her as every human being deserves to. If I see a glimpse of a light in her or a sparkle in her voice I'm happy.  I wouldn’t be the young lady without her today. For that I am grateful for my mama. 

I love you mama

Love and Light

T

xx

#love sharinglifestory placeofexpression coveridentity maori fruitsaladgirl light sweetelement beginning selfhealing empowering #healing #abundance #grateful #loveandlight #forever #energyiseverything #maorigirl #mama #siblings

[flower-witch05]

Realisation.

[flower-witch05]

Love the skin you’re in...

While loving setting my thoughts free I write things from my past. I find it soothing recognizing things that give me flash backs about certain things that trigger me. 

I played a lot of sport and was lucky enough to have such a genetically sporty family. It was our gift to keep persevering through life. However not many of my family members were able to adapt and compare to life's challenges. 

My main sport was netball and softball. I played a bit of tennis, boxing also a lot of run around games like touch rugby, soccer, badminton also I was good at long distance running for a bit. 

I compared my small skinny body to my peers and they had also done the same. I hated being called skinny. I disliked my height which is an average height. I felt my body wasn't good enough to play softball as I wasn't built like the “best” players. Netball I was becoming too short I did not have long enough arms and legs for me to be the “best” 

Now 10years later I hadn't been given the chance to learn weight training and cardio and how it all works to change and become the best I can be for me. Be able to put myself into a position where I could further myself to be an athlete. I love my body now and its capabilities and knowing what food goes well with my body and how to strengthen it. I am now doing a combat sport and love it for how i can be in any shape or form.

Love and Light

T

xx

[flower-witch05]

This beautiful place I grew up around.

The beauty of this place and my upbringing is my culture. I hadn’t known much about my own iwi, my given name or my birth name. I was confused on me and my family and connecting to true relationships and why people are the way they are. And by not understanding people, my family. Society holds such great expectation of what a family is. 

My mother had married into a maori family and near by they had their own land, marae and connection of family and ancestors. It was so sacred and I had always felt a sense of belonging. I had close insight of my own culture. Learning and seeing the ways of how all ages intertwine to work together as one.

I never had true connection with my blood family especially on my mothers side of the family. Which was confusing. I had spiraled down and around thinking something was wrong with me growing up. I had made connections that were challenging only in ways that I knew how. I see now that they were perfect and lucky to have self awareness to know that those particular connections were part of my growth. 

So with this, living in Australia is awesome. I fully love my life here and enjoy a different side a life, a different side of me. But at this time during covid I am really missing home. I miss being able to pop home and touch base with my own roots. I know the time will come where I will connect with my land and iwi and find where all the mana started and start healing from my ancestors to today to create true connections for myself and future whanau.

Love and Light

T xx

#aotearoa #aroha #healing #selfawareness #blossom #covid19times #australia #wairua #sweetelement

[flower-witch05]

Hey,

So my first photo to share on this thing. Not sure how to work it but I wanted a space where I could share my story and be hidden of my identity. No I have no shame in who I am or my roots. I want to be able to empower myself and share my empowering challenges I have faced and overcome within the 26years of my life. 

Plus I have a job to uphold. 

Anyhow. I am a 26 year old female born as a Maori/Niue/Cook Island girl raised in New Zealand. With the multiple pictures I will be posting are a reflection of the different stages of my life. 

This Picture here Represents a huge turning point in my life. 24 going on 25 and at this moment I knew I was given a chance to finally step into being the best version of me for me. To love myself like no one else could, or ever will in the matter.

So Welcome let my expression begin

Love and Light 

T

xx

#love sharinglifestory placeofexpression coveridentity maori fruitsaladgirl light sweetelement beginning selfhealing empowering