fertility-journey-20s

[fertility-journey-20s]

I've never felt so alone like I have this past month.

I feel conflicted, like im selfish for feeling like this and spiraling but I feel like my feelings are just human, I think most women would react and feel this way? And if not then i blame it on my fear of rejection and abandonment from having a father who never wanted me and left before I was born and pretends I don't exist.

The last week of February my husband confinded in me that he had been experiencing suicidal thoughts... he's not in a good place mentally and is still struggling grieving the death of his father. During this discussion he told me "I don't love you as strong as I used to" which was gut wrenching to hear. He back tracked and said "I don't feel anything... about anything any more it's not just you I feel numb"

My heart broke into a million pieces there and then, and I've cried and I'm grieving my marriage ever since. I no long know how to act, how to talk, what to do. All I want to do is help him but I cant. I cant because I'm so stuck in my own head, I'm convinced he's going to leave me, that he doesn't love me. I feel like I have to prove something to make him love me again. I miss my best friend, I want to talk to him about this but I cant. How can I when it'll make him feel worse. I feel sick to the stomach. I'm over analysing everything - "I'm touching him more than he touches me, he's barely spoke a word to me today, how long will it take for him to instigate a conversation? If I don't kiss him first when will we next kiss? Do I tell him I love him too much? Should I stop? Is that boring? We don't have plans this weekend is he going yo be bored of me? He's late from work, he's working lots of overtime is he just trying to avoid me? Would he rather be at work than spend time with me? He got his own vitamin out and didn't get mine... why? He went upstairs without a word, what have I done wrong?"

I've never had a colourful dating life, I've had 3 boyfriends before my marriage and they lasted years at a time... the last one was a 6 year relationship and he left me... il be it was necessary, I should have left a long time ago but it doesn't help that me and my husband have been together just coming up to 7 years in a few days.... and I just got it in my head that 6 years is my expiry date... I get to 6 years and I'm boring, uninteresting, not fun or bubbly anymore I make the relationship stale....

I keep convincing myself that he's having an emotional affair with another woman. So that's nice.

I feel like every night I turn round in bed and just feel incredibly sad. I keep crying a lot of the time....

The initial conversation was only discussed because I had said I wanted to wait until my work restructure had finished (around June time) before we go through IVF again and now I'm even doubting if we go through with it at all....

I think about the house and I feel reluctant to spend money on things we need (like a new window blind thats going to cost a few £££) because what if we end up selling next year? I'll just be living back home with my parents so why spend money.

Im sorry this is just one long rant but I'm exhausted mentally and I need to blur this out somewhere

[fertility-journey-20s]

I pine for you every day

I long to hold you in my arms

But I cradle my kitten instead.

My heart aches every day

My heart has so much love to give

But I give that love to my dog instead.

Sometimes I feel an emptiness inside of me

But im surrounded by my own quirky family

Husband, cat and dog.

I may not be a "mum" but I have my fur babies.

#trying to conceive #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcjourney #fertility #ttcsupport #infertility #ivf

[fertility-journey-20s]

I'm not myself anymore. I feel like the shell of a woman right now. I've lost all hope. I've cried everyday since the negative result. I didnt expect to feel like this. I feel hopeless.

I dont want to see or speak to people. I cant deal with forcing out a smile or a laugh. Thankfully working from home does have some benefits, ive just avoided teams calls as much as I can. Unfortunately the next 2 days I have to be with colleagues.

What is annoying though is the fact that I'm usualy happy and smiley and talkative and I speak with my team daily and so far not one has noticed a difference in me. Not that I'm actively looking for sympathy but just goes to show who pays attention - my manager included.

#trying to conceive #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcjourney #fertility #ttcsupport #infertility #womenshealth #ivf

[fertility-journey-20s]

Today was official test day... it was negative.

Surprise surprise.

Next time I'm not waiting the full 14 days.

Last time and this time when I test oj official test day I shake uncontrollably I'm so scared it's awful.

I was so hopeful this time...

I've had break downs today but I'm also trying to think of other things to look forward to.

- I've messaged my old hair dresser to see if they can squeeze me in for a hair dye.

- I'm going to get gel nails done this weekend.

- I can now dismantle and rebuild my bed into my new bedroom.

- I've bought my 1st ever vibrator.

- I have my works Christmas party next week.

- I can now work on losing weight and start working out again.

My eyes feel like sand paper from the crying.

I feel numb

My chest feels so tight and weighted

I feel like my life is out of control

I have no control over our TTC journey

I have no control over my job at work which is at risk

I have no control if my parents dog is going to make it with the amount of surgeries she's having to have

I just feel so drained, tired and exhausted with life

#trying to conceive #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcjourney #fertility #ttcsupport #infertility #womenshealth #health #ivf

[fertility-journey-20s]

So today I am 9dp5dt (9 days past 5 day transfer) and obviously I've been over analysing every possible symptom..

- headaches lasting 2 days at a time

- some on and off nausea using morning and evening but still feeling hungry think this is heart burn.

- tirdness, the day of and weekend of transfer I had naps. The following Monday (3dp5dpt) I was working from home and felt exhausted. The Wednesday ( 5dp5dt) I had to work In the office and felt exhaustingly ill and breathless and tired.

- dizziness kind of, not when I'm stood up but when I'm sat or laid down I've been feeling like I've just drank half a bottle of gin and got home and sat/laid in bed and everything feels like it's moving still. If that makes sense!

- cramps. What I can probably only describe as light period cramps, felt in the lower region sometimes felt light tightening, sometimes felt like day 2 of my period.

I think that's all for now.

Every day I've googled each day... 3dp5dt, 4dp5dt, 5dp5dt I've got to a point now that when I search its just people's test results. My clinic tells us to wait until day 14 and I have test anxiety so I don't mind waiting, actually if I could get away with it I wouldn't test ever, at all 😅 but I need to because if it's good news I will need to collect more medication that same day.

I bit the bullet and ordered a 3 pack of clear blue tests from amazon making use of the black Friday deal.

I feel like... a positive test to me is like trying to see a unicorn in real life. I genuinely don't think they're real... obviously positive tests are real people get pregnant all the time... just never me.

I've got my test day booked off work this time, will have to make sure we do something nice if its not worked out...

#trying to conceive #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcjourney #fertility #ttcsupport #infertility #womenshealth #ivf

[fertility-journey-20s]

Yesterday - 17th November 2023 was my transfer day

I was so nervous all morning worrying that my embryos wouldn't survive. I got the phone call at 9:50am from the clinic to say that my 1st embryo is thawing out nicely and that we will be progressing with this one, to come in for 11:40am for my transfer.

I checked Google maps and obviously there was a car accident on the way there, it was on a duel carriage way so its not something we could do a U turn on if we got stuck in the traffic. Thankfully not long after we set off (quite early!) That the accident cleared up and we got there with 30mins to spare.

My bladder was the fullest it could be and I was desperate for the toilet and typically everything was running a bit late and slow.

My cervix was being shy again, I don't know why she does this for transfers, I never have this problem for smear tests!

Thankfully i had a lovely nurse who has been with us since we first started the fresh cycle. She didn't do my fresh transfer (I wish she did!) But I'm glad she did my frozen one. Even with the rooting around to find my cervix it didn't hurt... I just REALLY needed the toilet!

Here we are ^^^^^ out 1BB embryo hopefully this little one is nice and sticky and grows for the next 9 months 🤞🤞

Afterwards we had a mcdonalds because we all know mcdonalds fries are magical fries 🍟

^^^^ delicious!

For the rest of the day we went home. I had a nap on the sofa and then we watched the Matt Rife comedy special on netflix and then onto children in need for the rest of the night.

At 7:30pm I did my 1st lubion injection, can't say I enjoyed that one! Not a fan! I chilled the area before injecting, I put the vile of lubion in my bra to warm up a little bit. Put my nurse hat on and prepped the syringe, drew up the lubion, changed the needles out, wiped the area with an alcohol disinfectant swab and injected... oh my god did that hurt! I pushed the plunger down ever so slowly but I could feel the solution going into my skin! It left a lump on my thigh and it hurt quite a bit! I rubbed the area afterwards but it still hurt and felt swollen. I've woken up this morning and the pain is almost gone, sore to touch but better than it was. Tonight I'll skip the chilling of the area and see if that helps, I just can't imagine injecting when it's not even a little bit numb 🙈

So I'm on 3 lots of medication now:

2x cyclogest pessaries on a night before bed - I do these at 11pm

2x estrogen patches every other day (I need to change them today)

1x lubion injection every evening - I chose 7:30pm

Wish me and my little embryo luck!

Official testing day is 1st December 2023

#trying to conceive #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcjourney #fertility #ttcsupport #infertility #womenshealth #ivf #health

[fertility-journey-20s]

Yesterday - 17th November 2023 was my transfer day

I was so nervous all morning worrying that my embryos wouldn't survive. I got the phone call at 9:50am from the clinic to say that my 1st embryo is thawing out nicely and that we will be progressing with this one, to come in for 11:40am for my transfer.

I checked Google maps and obviously there was a car accident on the way there, it was on a duel carriage way so its not something we could do a U turn on if we got stuck in the traffic. Thankfully not long after we set off (quite early!) That the accident cleared up and we got there with 30mins to spare.

My bladder was the fullest it could be and I was desperate for the toilet and typically everything was running a bit late and slow.

My cervix was being shy again, I don't know why she does this for transfers, I never have this problem for smear tests!

Thankfully i had a lovely nurse who has been with us since we first started the fresh cycle. She didn't do my fresh transfer (I wish she did!) But I'm glad she did my frozen one. Even with the rooting around to find my cervix it didn't hurt... I just REALLY needed the toilet!

Here we are ^^^^^ out 1BB embryo hopefully this little one is nice and sticky and grows for the next 9 months 🤞🤞

Afterwards we had a mcdonalds because we all know mcdonalds fries are magical fries 🍟

^^^^ delicious!

For the rest of the day we went home. I had a nap on the sofa and then we watched the Matt Rife comedy special on netflix and then onto children in need for the rest of the night.

At 7:30pm I did my 1st lubion injection, can't say I enjoyed that one! Not a fan! I chilled the area before injecting, I put the vile of lubion in my bra to warm up a little bit. Put my nurse hat on and prepped the syringe, drew up the lubion, changed the needles out, wiped the area with an alcohol disinfectant swab and injected... oh my god did that hurt! I pushed the plunger down ever so slowly but I could feel the solution going into my skin! It left a lump on my thigh and it hurt quite a bit! I rubbed the area afterwards but it still hurt and felt swollen. I've woken up this morning and the pain is almost gone, sore to touch but better than it was. Tonight I'll skip the chilling of the area and see if that helps, I just can't imagine injecting when it's not even a little bit numb 🙈

So I'm on 3 lots of medication now:

2x cyclogest pessaries on a night before bed - I do these at 11pm

2x estrogen patches every other day (I need to change them today)

1x lubion injection every evening - I chose 7:30pm

Wish me and my little embryo luck!

Official testing day is 1st December 2023

#trying to conceive #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcjourney #fertility #ttcsupport #infertility #womenshealth #ivf #health

[fertility-journey-20s]

#trying to conceive #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcjourney #ttcsupport #fertility #infertility #womenshealth #ivf #health

[fertility-journey-20s]

Wednesday 8th november

2nd lining scan

Lining measured at 8.7mm

The nurse at first measure 9.5mm however the subsequent scans and measurements were in the 8mm range.

I got the call later that day to say that my transfer will go ahead on the 17th November.

Hopefully my little embryo survives 🤞

I have a silver ballet shoe necklace which was a christening gift from my grandparents. My grandma passed away when I was 6 months old so I unfortunately didn't have much of a relationship with her. Wearing the necklace has always made me feel close to her and I wore this on my wedding day. Its been a long time since I've worn it but I decided this time I need to feel her with me and I wore it to my 2nd scan.

Hopefully if my transfer goes ahead on the 17th it means that my official testing day will actually land on the day of my grandma's death anniversary, it'll be 28 years since she passed away. I feel like its a weird sign and I hope she's watching over us and we will be blessed with our miracle on during such a sad time in our lives as not only did my grandma pass away on the 1st December, my grandad passed away on the 4th December, just 11 years later 💔

#trying to conceive #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcjourney #fertility #ttcsupport #infertility #womenshealth #ivf

[fertility-journey-20s]

Today is a wobbly day

I've felt a bit weird during this FET cycle. During the fresh IVF cycle I remember my emotions were well controlled and even on a high, but maybe that was me being nieve about the process and potential success.

This time round, maybe its the different cocktail of hormones I'm on or the fact that its no longer my first rodeo, it didn't work the first time and it probably wont work this time. I do, however, want to cry. Nearly every day I've wanted to have a good old cry to myself, proper ugly cry. But can I cry? No. Not a single drop, no matter how frustrated I feel or how sad or upset I feel not a single tear drop will leave these eyes.

Instead I just feel sick to my stomach (not sick enough to avoid food, food is my friend 😅)

#trying to conceive #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcjourney #fertility #ttcsupport #infertility #womenshealth #health #ivf

[fertility-journey-20s]

1st lining scan- 3rd november 2023

A bit disappointed today, my lining scan showed that my lining is only at 6.5mm and it needs to be between 8 - 10mm

So no transfer next week

Have another scan on Wednesday 8th November hopefully it'll be better news

They've also upped my estrogen so now im on 2 patches.

Otherwise had a productive day decluttering and cut my own hair 😅

#trying to conceive #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcjourney #fertility #ttcsupport #infertility #womenshealth #health #ivf

[fertility-journey-20s]

My experience with down regulation

- mood swings, I've been very snappy and getting overwhelmed with my husband my parents. The worst I've been in a long time.

- I feel like my body temp has ran on the hotter side.

-i keep mixing my words up when I speak and getting confused for example "I flushed a toilet down the spider" and struggling to understand information

I had my 1st down regulation scan on wednesday 25th October which went well and showed my lining to be at 2.2mm which meant I was ready to start estrogen patches. I put my 1st patch on at 5pm and I have to change these every other day.

My 1st lining scan is on Friday 3rd november hopefully I get some good news.

I keep hearing about people's frozen cycles being cancelled due to their lining not getting thick enough

#trying to conceive #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcjourney #fertility #ttcsupport #infertility #womenshealth #health #ivf

[fertility-journey-20s]

My experience with down regulation

- mood swings, I've been very snappy and getting overwhelmed with my husband my parents. The worst I've been in a long time.

- I feel like my body temp has ran on the hotter side.

-i keep mixing my words up when I speak and getting confused for example "I flushed a toilet down the spider" and struggling to understand information

I had my 1st down regulation scan on wednesday 25th October which went well and showed my lining to be at 2.2mm which meant I was ready to start estrogen patches. I put my 1st patch on at 5pm and I have to change these every other day.

My 1st lining scan is on Friday 3rd november hopefully I get some good news.

I keep hearing about people's frozen cycles being cancelled due to their lining not getting thick enough

#trying to conceive #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcjourney #fertility #ttcsupport #infertility #womenshealth #health #ivf

[fertility-journey-20s]

Thursday 12th October was the our 1st appointment for our FET cycle.

I had a zoladex implant Injection to start down regulation which essentially puts me on a state of menopause with symptoms such as hot flushes, headaches, mood swings, feelings of nervousness, heart palpitations, lower sex drive, dryness of the vagina and probably many more! How glamorous is the IVF life...

I took my last norethisterone yesterday (Friday 13th october) and I was feeling OK, up until today. Today I've felt like a nightmare, my moods all over the place, I'm irritable and getting annoyed, snapping at my husband and feeling wound up.

I have my 1st scan on the 25th October to confirm down regulation.

The zoladex implant injection wasn't as bad as I was expecting but I was advised that it could bleed and bruise and to also avoid bath salts etc for 3 days. Well I refused to take the plaster off for the 1st 24hrs and once I did I could see a visible hole! A HOLE where they injected it! Safe to say a plaster went straight back on. It hasn't bruised but there was a bit of blood on thr 1st plaster.

It can only get better right? I'm sure these feelings will subside once other hormones are introduced. Apparantly I was a delight when I was on IVF meds!

#trying to conceive #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcjourney #fertility #ttcsupport #infertility #womenshealth #health #ivf

[fertility-journey-20s]

This is only SOME of my FET medication...

Lots of lovely cyclogest pessaries again

Zoladex implant

And 14 lubion (progesterone) vials plus syringes and needles

I start taking my norethisterone on the 8th October up to and including the 13th October.

My 1st appointment is on the 12th October where they will administer the zoladex implant which I'm so grateful for. When I was looking at my medication in take and realised I had the implant I did panic a little. I've never had the hormonal implant before and never wanted to have it because it always scared me, well now I have no choice! But I was worried they were expecting me to administer is myself! Thankfully not 🤣

At my 1st appointment I will also be picking up my oestrogen patches.

I then have my 1st scan booked in for the 25th October and 3rd November.

It looks like I will have my embryo transfer about mid November time but only time will tell.

I'm more nervous this time with the lubioon injections... I started feeling irritable towards them during stims and that was only 11 days worth (about 17 injections in total though) if the cycle is successful I believe the lubion injections will continue until week 12 of pregnancy.

For me it's the mental reminder of having to do the injections not necessarily administering the injection.

So trying to work out when the best time will be which will be suitable for 12 weeks 😅 at this rate it'll be about 6am 🙈

Feeling excited though.... and nervous...

We have 2 comedy gigs to watch in November and I'm worried now with covid back on the rise don't want to miss put and put life on hold but my clinic is very hard on the whole "do all you can to avoid covid" thing... so part of me is thinking of just masking up and sanitising constantly 😅 might make me feel a bit better...

#trying to conceive #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcjourney #fertility #ttcsupport #infertility #womenshealth #health #ivf

[fertility-journey-20s]

Fertility appointment update.

We had a follow up appointment with the fertility consultant after our round being discussed at the audit meeting.

First thing the consultant says is that I overheat; meaning I over stimulate. Even though I had a "normal" AMH level, I produced more follicles than expected, thus more eggs. As we know this put me at risk of OHSS which is why my final dose of stims was reduced and my trigger shot was changed. Even though there wasn't signs that I had OHSS at the time of my transfer they believe that if I did have a successful transfer that I would have gone onto develop OHSS whilst pregnant. As someone who likes to believe things "happen for a reason" I would like to believe that the fresh transfer didn't take because I would have developed OHSS and it was best in the end that it failed.

Because of this if we have to go through another treatment round for egg collection I believe we will do a freeze all round to give my body chance to recover.

Overall I responded well to the treatment, we got a good amount of eggs, and then good amount of fertilised eggs, and 3 good quality blastocysts- two of which are currently frozen.

The clinic initially wanted me to start my frozen cycle from my October cycle however when asked if I'd already had a period for September and my answer was No... it brought concern that because I'm late this month it pushed my October cycle later and it could all clash with the clinics Christmas close down 🙈. He advised that I call up on my September period and see if I can start sooner rather than later.

Thankfully my treatment will be estrogen patches and progestogen pessaries so no self administered needles which is good to know because I've got 2 arena gigs to go to in November and I didn't want to have to inject myself in a busy toilet!

I'm feeling positive.

The only weird thing was that at the end of the appointment the consultant went to hi five me (assuming because we're a young couple..?) But it wasn't just a quick hi five.. it was a hi five and them him holding my hand in mid air for what felt like an eternity! 🤣 I think it was supposed to be a nice gesture, something to say "you've got this! Everything will be OK!" But it came across weird to me because I didn't know what to do and it all just felt a little uncomfortable but it did give us something to laugh about after 😅

#trying to conceive #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcjourney #fertility #ttcsupport #infertility #womenshealth #health #ivf

[fertility-journey-20s]

#trying to conceive #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcjourney #fertility #ttcsupport #infertility #womenshealth #health #ivf