feelingwritinglearningliving

[feelingwritinglearningliving]

Sleeping so very late again. I just feel so active after a long day at work..anyway Im excited to be able to rest and enjoy tomorrow!!! 270424,0053

[feelingwritinglearningliving]

just looking forward to the next two weeks being over. it will sort itself out..as it always does. i just want to do whatever i can at the space i have. nothing more, nothing less.

sigh. excited to see how the next weeks unfold. and i always like speaking to people about what i feel because i can feel myself processing what im going through and realize that its not as bad as i think it is. just need to inhale and exhale and let go.

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[feelingwritinglearningliving]

its been another full day ahead.. i feel a lot more at ease knowing that i am not alone in feeling this immense amount of weight in GNWP. I cant take it sometimes. We need to really set boundaries to be ik this job for a longer amount of time. Sigh. I also miss Japan a lot…

My dream last night felt so real. Or at least I wanted it to be. Last night I dreamt someone loved me.

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[feelingwritinglearningliving]

right in the middle of everything now. im so exhausted and jaded idk…i really dont know. i feel like in waiting for a sense of clarity in life. i always feel like everything is so rushed too. i wish for a slow and quiet life. sigh.

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[feelingwritinglearningliving]

exhausted for unthinkable reasons and its showing on my skin but more-so on the screeching insecurities in my head. i think geeting back into kpop has really been harsh on my body dysmorphia :(( incant believe its a monday again tomorrow. yeah i dont want to repeat weekends where i work. im not paid enough for thisZ

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[feelingwritinglearningliving]

kind of spiraled by the state of this condominum. i feel like wanting to give up on it and just leave sigh. escapist tendencies raging right now. im reminding myself to breathe in and out and sleep on it and not to let my emotions get the best of me. im tired but ill be ok.

i cant believe im back from japan already. i had a wonderful time..my heart is aching to have left so soon. i know im getting back to really enjoying travel again. i dont know if thats a blessing or a curse.

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[feelingwritinglearningliving]

tokyo trip coming to an end soon…i feel sad tbh. im happy that i feel this way knowing how hard it was for me to get back into this space of excitment. there is no winning!!!

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[feelingwritinglearningliving]

my tokyo trip is almost done…sigh. i had a lot of fun for this. i feel like im coming back to a known side of myself that enjoys discovering a new place again. i wish i had more and more and more moments like this. i pray that there are many more to come. :,)

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[feelingwritinglearningliving]

seeing that young girl in the train changed something in me..i feel like i would like to have a child someday, if that would be in my stars. it would be nice to raise a kind and intelligent person who can be soft with me. i think seeing such a behaved kid on the subway changed a lot of what i think about kids..inalways feel like im a bit late with this now. but who knows what could happen.

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[feelingwritinglearningliving]

this japan trip has been wonderful so far.. i think im striking the balance of being able to work but also enjoy my day. struggling to sleep but im excited to have some alone time next week!! hay the next few weeks will be too intense. ill take it one hour at a time.

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[feelingwritinglearningliving]

hay seventeen what a let down :(( im really really happy the group is finally together in one piece but its so hard to unsee how badly the styling was and only because i know it could all be done better..its funny how im relieved by this too. im happy that i wont need to see them so soon because its really just hard financially for now.

tokyo..i cant believe im coming sooooon and i csnt believe its the end of march

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[feelingwritinglearningliving]

cant believe im going to japan in a fee days!!! im excited but also just idk.. indifferent. i think theres still a big part of me longing to find the excitement i would feel from things again. theres no point in wishing i dont get burnt out because its already done. maybe now my wish is just to feel better, slowly and securely.

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[feelingwritinglearningliving]

tonight feels like a friday night im excited to just rot in bed tomorrow, take it easy, do a bit of work and pack for japan. japan.. i cant believe im going again so soon. i find myself feeling the excitement of travel again. im looking forward instead of looking down and worried. i missed this. everytime i want to go back to doing 200% in everything i remind myself that i just came from a state of feeling high burn out. i need to pace myself, i go further when i do.. my running around UP is a testament to that!

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[feelingwritinglearningliving]

Last night, I dreamt that somebody loved me. Im always 50/50 with dreams where I realize Im in a relationship. There’s always a feeling of overwhelming disbelief and joy, only for the rug to be pulled under my feet and an intense worry of doing something wrong before I wake up. But still.. I wish I could stay longer in these dreams where I could feel wanted by someone. Is this extreme loneliness? Could be. I wish my own time would come. I dont know when or if it ever will anymore.. Im slowly and really believing it more now.

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[feelingwritinglearningliving]

i did everything that i missed doing today - getting lost in a book and enjoying very good films. i always reflect on how much things have changed. i would only ever afford taking the train before but now im in the comfort of a moving car. i can buy food that i like and pay to enjoy time passing by. im grateful but also torn by the reality that being able to afford this means losing more time to do it. its crazy how everything really does change and there will always be something heavy that balances the moments that sweep me off my feet. its not scary but it just makes sure i dont lose myself in a moment. im still trying to figure this out… growth.

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[feelingwritinglearningliving]

im grateful for moments like tonight where im reminded that things really do change but can also still remain the same. spending time with ate angel and ella who are really my sisters now in life is a reminder of how things evolve and only find its way back to each other without too much trying.

i hope to always build strong and lasting friendships like this in my life.

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[feelingwritinglearningliving]

Today was a wonderful night spent with cousins. I find that there's a lot of girl power love all around me. Yet again another dating post on Tiktok of Hoshi (lol) is bothering me. Not because he is dating but because Im so bothered by a stranger being with someone who is not me. It's weird to slowly become sober from being comfortable in parasocial engagements since being a teenager. It's funny but saddening to know that I would rather invest my emotions on someone who does not even know I exist. I think that's really just playing safe to the point of self-preservation and destruction. I dont know how to find the balance just yet but I know now that my life is not the one inside my phone or the comforts of what I can control (boring story? ok next - not how it is). Life is scary but beautiful.

Fortune favors the brave. I think I need to keep remembering this. I can be brave. I am brave.

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