fatasscuntboy

[fatasscuntboy]

Sorry for being so absent...

I've been dealing with... Stuff at home and I barely have strenght for anything... It's been hard... I'll be back and I'll update all my stats I just... Need rest...

#personal

[fatasscuntboy]

Having an ED while juggling 4375875837 other shit shows sucks...

I think the hardest part is how long it takes... I'm impatient & I want results now, now, now, even though it took two years for me to end up where I was at my HW...

It's just a lot to deal with... If it was just the weight I could focus on that & that alone but it's not...

I have to push myself to go take my T shots & it feels like shit to go somewhere to take them & the only place that does that is only open during the mornings & my sleep schedule has been fucked. Here they don't teach you how to give them to yourself & I'm too scared of fucking up by DIY'ing it... Even when I was brave enough to try it was hell trying to get any pharmacy to sell me syringes... So I skip a month... Then two... Not only due to dysphoria & dysmorphia but also because I feel so exposed... I don't trust people where I live (a small village) to be open minded... I'm scared that word gets out & people... Lets just say that I was pratically pushed out of the closet when I was 16 & harassed even by teachers until I couldn't take it anymore & left school... It was a long time ago but It was... Definitely the start of my mental health problems...

(My foster mother ignores it. She's in denial & I'm scared of how she will react when changes become more obvious than just more body hair & my voice deepening a little. Now that my brother is back... Even worse... I don't really care about what he thinks or if he gets violent because I can fend for myself but... I don't want to lose my nephew... I don't want him to take him away from me... The only things in my life that make me happy are my boyfriend & my nephew, I don't want to lose either...)

To add to that I have a skin condition called folliculitis that looks a lot like heavy, agressive acne & being on T if you already gone through puberty is basically like going through second puberty so it makes my skin condition 100x worse. It also didn't help that when I ate a lot, I ate like crap. So now I have it all over my back, neck, jaw, upper arms, thighs... I want to see a dermotologist soon, but I need to be careful of money...

I recently, finally, got my braces removed but I was so depressed after what happened with an ex that I became very sloppy with my self-care and just... My teeth are straight but they're not white... Because I used to smoke too much... Not give a fuck about brushing them for days... I'm trying my best to fix it at home for now since I have one last dentist visit at least for him to make sure that there's no glue left or anything & I'm too scared to ask how much a whitening would cost...

I also shouldn't have shaved my hair... It was impulsive because it was too long & bothering me & we were still quarantined so no haircuts... A few days after I do it the quarantine was lifted so... Fuck me... Now I have to wait for it to grow along with dealing with everyone constantly saying "you looked so good with blue hair". Okay I get it y'all liked the blue hair but it's expensive... I can't maintain that... It honestly makes me a little sad because I liked having blue hair too, yeah, but it's too much money... I have other responsibilities...

So yeah... All that just swims around in my head, makes me feel like an ugly useless sack of potatoes & life is hard.

#personal

[fatasscuntboy]

Anti binge

Remember how you look naked Remember how your thighs touch Remember how you look at others Remember how your stomach looks Remember how unhappy you are Remember how we are always here Remember how your friends look Remember how you envy them Remember how ashamed you are Remember how long it took Remember how you felt last time Remember how it’s not worth it Remember how you tell your lies Remember how you want to change Remember how your body looks Remember how people see fat Imagine YOU when its done

Remember how far you have come!

[fatasscuntboy]

I didn’t come to get attacked like this

[fatasscuntboy]

It might not seem like much but going from 94kg to 87kg... The difference face-wise...

Even body-wise I already see some as well, but this is just more incentive to keep going, to keep doing what I'm doing, to never touch another piece of shitty greasy unhealthy calory filled crap again. Ever.

I'm tired, yes, I ran out of cokes and I need to go to the supermarket tomorrow and get more, along with vitamins and tea, but fuck it, fuck that, depression already made me tired anyway, the difference is fucking minimal.

7kg lost... 27kg to go until I hit my first GW... From there, we'll see... If I feel comfortable with the way I look I'll start working on making a meal and exercise plan. If not... I'll just have to make another GW...

I said I wasn't fucking around... I meant it. I will not let food make me more miserable than I already am.

I will go back to this, and even less:

#Proana #Personal #TW: ED #TW: eating disorder #TW: thinspo #I think?

[fatasscuntboy]

This also applies to your vitamins.

[fatasscuntboy]

Honestly, I’m at my best when my ed is at it’s worst. My room is clean, I dress nice, I wash my face more, I whiten my teeth, I wear makeup, I do my hair. For some reason the only thing that pulls my out of my depression spiral is my ed and the only thing that pulls me out of my ed is my depression. Idk if anyone else feels like that? Idk I just always feel better when I’m losing weight and excersizing and not eating. Idk maybe it’s my body thinks I’m finally being healthy? But I’m not? So… idk, it’s just really weird.

[fatasscuntboy]

“omg you’ve lost so much weight! what do you eat?”

the ed community:

#topical as fuckkkkkkk

[fatasscuntboy]

"Binged" on easter almonds last night because we had a fight & it triggered the fuck out of my dysphoria so now I don't want to eat a single crumb for a week. 🙃

#personal #TW: food #TW: ED #TW: eating disorder

[fatasscuntboy]

where are you from?

Europe, I rather not give any specific locations, sorry!

[fatasscuntboy]

So...

I have a notes file on my phone with the caloric value per 100g of a bunch of stuff I eat uh... I might turn it into a page as well...

It's per 100g because you can easily apply the rule of 3 to decrease or increase the amount, like:

100g = 165cal 50g = X

So you get: 50*165/100 which is =82.5cal

(I know, I know I could just do 165/2, this was an example, you can't do the same with like 23g or something.)

Soooo~ If that file gets longer I'll probably add it to my blog...

#Proana #TW: food #TW: ED #TW: Eating Disorder

[fatasscuntboy]

does anyone else treat calories like money.

I’m not paying 200 fucking calories for a GRANOLA BAR.

500 for a bowl of Mac and cheese is there another deal to lessen that?

Am I ready to pay 10 calories for sauce?!?!

#I'M FUCKING ENLIGHTENED THIS IS IT #THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I THINK

[fatasscuntboy]

FtM edition: Might as well shave my hair, I bet that's it.

Getting on the scale like

Number: *being higher than expected*

Me: “silly me forgot to take off my hair tie”

[fatasscuntboy]

fuck water weight

[fatasscuntboy]

what you'll have:

- a petite body - boney fingers - amazing collarbones - thigh gap - flat stomach - visible ribs - smaller clothing sizes are you really gonna throw all that away for something as temporary as food ?

[fatasscuntboy]

One taught me love

One taught me patience

One taught me pain

[fatasscuntboy]

I ate a banana yesterday & now I want to die, more at 11.

#proana #TW: food #TW: ed #TW: eating disorder