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elriel-month · 17 hours

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I Do Bad Things with You - Part 49

It's here!!! The final part of this massive fic. 😭 I can't believe we're finally at the end. I'm still in shock that I get to close the door on this fic that has taken up the last three years of my life. I have so many emotions running through me right now. 🥺

The epilogue will be posted during @elriel-month in addition to a little surprise I'm so excited to share with you. Stay tuned!! 💜💙💚

My fanfic account: @tswaney17fics

My ao3 account: tswaney17

Please let me know what you think about this update. I love getting your feedback. Constructive criticism is always welcome. 💕

Catch up here.

Credit to @featherymalignancy for Cassian’s nickname, Cash. 😘

Trigger warnings: violence, sexual assault , language, NSFW

This part also features descriptions of birth and complications from it.

Word Count: 7,225

Elain had spent a good portion of the late morning getting ready for the baby shower scheduled for noon. At just over eight months pregnant, they were cutting close to the wire of the twins’ arrival.

She was beyond exhausted. Growing the babies was work enough, but she ached everywhere at this point. Her boobs, her hips, her ankles. Her back…that hurt the worst. She looked like she swallowed two extra large watermelons. Elain hadn’t seen her feet in two and half months and she was praying that her toenails looked well enough for sandals today.

On top of her aching body, she also slept like shit the night before, having woken up in the wee hours with Braxton Hicks contractions that seemed to never want to go away. They were getting obnoxious at this point.

Oh! And her boobs had already started leaking. Aside from the contractions, Elain also woke up to a soaked sleep shirt and an attitude that poor Azriel was desperately trying to keep calm. She felt bad that her irritation got directed at him, but he took her mood swings in stride, giving her the space when she needed it, and focusing on taking care of Kaden and getting him ready for the party.

Her husband knocked lightly before entering their bedroom, shutting the door behind him and locking it when he saw her standing there in an ugly pair of panties and a strapless bra—which she had no idea how it was going to hold up her tits, but here they were. “Hello, my love. How are you doing?” he asked, striding further into their room. He was already dressed in black slacks and a white button-down rolled up to his elbows. It was one of her favorite looks on him. Casual but classy and sexy as hell.

“I’m all right. Better than this morning,” which was true. In the time she took to get ready, she felt her irritation slowly dissipate. “I’m sorry for snapping at you.”

He gifted her a soft smile he reserved only for her and their children. “El, you’re carrying two babies. You’re allowed to let out your frustrations. I’m here to spar if you need it, you know that.”

She knew he meant spar as in letting her yell and shout and hiss words until she felt better while he just took it. Gods, he really was the perfect husband. Elain held out her coco butter lotion towards him. “Do you mind rubbing this on me and helping me dress?”

Azriel took the bottle from her outstretched hands, dropping a sweet kiss on her plump lips before squirting some into his scarred palms and gently rubbing it all over her swollen stomach. He knelt before her, dutifully getting every inch of her covered. “You are so beautiful, Elain,” he murmured, kissing her at the fullest part of her belly.

She snorted. “I am a beached whale who ate too much.”

“You are a gorgeous woman carrying life inside of her womb. That will always be beautiful, sweetheart.”

How he always knew what to say was beyond her, but she tugged him up off the ground to kiss him thoroughly. It should’ve annoyed her with how just a few sweeps of Azriel’s tongue had every concern and irritation simply melt away. He knew when to play that card and fuck did he play it well.

But even his tongue couldn’t stop the hiss of pain as another contraction wracked her body.

He immediately pulled back at the sound, eyes scanning her face. “Are you all right?” he asked, concern etched into the tone.

She breathed through the wave that tightened in her abdomen. “Braxton Hicks contractions,” she said as an explanation.

His brows shot into his hairline. “Do we need to go to the hospital?”

Elain reached up to cup his cheek in her palm, her thumb swiping over the stubble there. “No, it’s a normal thing this late in the pregnancy. I’ve had a few this morning starting before dawn. It’s why I was grouchy.”

Understanding lit his face and he carefully ran his hand down her stomach again. “Why didn’t you wake me this morning?”

She huffed a laugh. “Because I knew you’d go into full-birthing-dad-mode and neither one of us would’ve slept any longer.”

Azriel shot her an unamused glare. “You will be thanking me for that birthing-dad mode when you’re in labor and I have everything packed up within minutes.”

This time Elain laughed loud and joyfully. “Yes, you’re probably right.” She nodded to the dress on the bed. “Help me slip that on?”

He grabbed the fabric, bunching it in his large fists, and pulled it over her head. It was an off-the-shoulder, loose, pale pink cotton dress, decorated with roses. It looked vintage, gathering just under her bust, with oversized puffy sleeves that sat off her shoulders, over her biceps. Ruffles accentuated the bottom hem, emphasizing the vintage style. It was the perfect spring dress. When Elain first saw it at the store, she knew she had to buy it for the shower.

Azriel tugged her loose curls from the back of the dress, letting them brush against her spine. He placed a kiss on her bare shoulder before grabbing the rose-pendant necklace he bought to go with the dress and draping it around her delicate neck. “Perfect,” he murmured onto her skin, his smile pressing against her neck.

Elain sighed softly, reaching up to thread her fingers through his dark hair. “How am I still horny for you?”

He nipped at her throat, a rumble shaking his chest. “Because you know I can deliver what you need without even blinking.”

This time she laughed, letting his hands run across her body in possessive little touches.

Azriel brazenly cupped her sex through the dress, growling as she let out a mewling sound and began to writhe against those skilled fingers, searching for the friction she desperately craved. “Would you like to fuck my hand, love?” he murmured, mouth grazing her jaw.

Elain fell slack against him, letting his strength hold her up. “Az,” she breathed, eyes fluttering shut as he began to rub her in earnest. “Please.”

He nipped the curve of her ear, tugging the lobe between his teeth. “You beg so prettily, El.” Bunching up the dress in a fist, Azriel slid her panties aside, swiping his fingers over her soaked pussy. “Fuck, baby. You’re so wet for me. Always desperate for my touch.”

She gripped him, nails digging into his exposed forearms. “I need—I need,” she panted out, wiggling in his hold. “Please, Az.”

Giving her exactly what she wanted—needed—Azriel sunk his middle finger into her aching cunt, pumping once before adding a second digit. “Such a good girl,” he whispered, thrusting in and out of her. The heel of his palm grazed her clit sending bolts of pleasure up her spine.

Elain bit her lip, stifling the moan that threatened to burst from her. His fingers scraped along that special spot inside of her, building her up and up and up until she teetered on the edge of bliss.

Barely conscious of her surroundings, Elain caught the sound of the door handle jiggling, followed by a “Momma!”

Azriel clapped a hand over her mouth as he continued his machinations. “Momma’s getting dressed, Kaden. We’ll be out in a minute,” he called out, pressing his palm firmly on her clit and sending her spiraling into her orgasm.

Too far gone to care, she tumbled into sweet oblivion, coming hard on his fingers. Elain moaned, only quieted by the muffling against her husband’s scarred hand.

He worked her through her release, slowing his movements when she started to come down from her high. Az peppered her skin with sweet kisses, removing his fingers from her pussy and readjusting her panties back into place before letting the dress fall back down. “Better, my love?”

“I’m gonna have to change my underwear, but yes.” She twisted in his arms, catching him sucking his fingers clean. Elain brought his mouth down to hers, tongue licking the drop of her release dotting his bottom lip. “Thank you, husband.”

He smiled into their kiss, deepening it once more. “I’ll go check on Kaden while you finish up. We’ll head out when you’re done.”

Twenty minutes later, they were in the car on their way to Rhys and Feyre’s place. It was a gorgeous day full of sunshine, the air warm with the oncoming of summer. It was as if even the Mother wanted to grace her presence on that day with her radiance. They really couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful day for a baby shower.

“Momma?” Kaden called from the back seat. “Where are we going?”

His speech had improved so much since they first brought him home that the therapist they hired had told them after the end of the school year, that he likely wouldn’t need to continue seeing a specialist to catch him up. He was reading and writing the way a five-year-old should be and was on track to pass kindergarten with flying colors.

She glanced over her shoulder at him. “Remember how we talked about going to Aunt Feyre and Uncle Rhys’s for the baby shower today.”

He seemed to think about that. “What’s a baby shower?”

Her lips quirked up at his curious mind. Thankfully, he hadn’t asked about where babies came from again. “It’s a party to celebrate the upcoming arrival of your brother and sister.” Her hand came to rest on her belly instinctively.

His face scrunched up. “Will I have to take a bath again?”

Azriel let out a snort, glancing at her. “It’s a fair question.”

She laughed. “No, sweetheart. Not that kind of shower. To shower with love. The party is just to celebrate the babies before they arrive.”

“Will there be cake?” he asked, excitement lighting up his face at the prospect of sweets.

“For my sister’s sake, there better be.” Elain’s late-stage pregnancy craving was anything sweet. Cookies, cakes, pastries, whatever she could get her hands on, she was eating it. Azriel was barely able to keep the pantry stocked with desserts for her to snack on.

Her husband chuckled. “If she doesn’t, we’ll stop by a bakery on our way home and get each of you a cake. How’s that sound?” he asked, grasping her hand and bringing it to his mouth to kiss her knuckles.

She grinned. “You spoil me.”

He looked at her then. “You deserve to be spoiled.”

They were fashionably late to their baby shower, and Elain completely blamed her husband’s morning sexual charade for the delay in their arrival. Not that she minded at all. She had another Braxton Hick contraction in the car, Azriel eying her with worry and once again asking if they should make a pitstop at the hospital just in case.

But that would’ve made them even more late and Elain knew it was unnecessary.

All of their friends and family were waiting for their arrival. And she hated being late.

“What am I going to do with you gone for six months, Elain?” Thesan teased, taking a sip of his beer.

She shot a devilish grin at the head nurse sitting on the couch across from her. “I’m sure Viv would love to pick up all the slack.”

Viviane squawked in outrage and pointed a menacing finger in her direction. “Don’t put your work on me while you’re enjoying your babymoon, Elain Archeron-Knight.”

The group laughed as she pushed herself up off the couch. Another contraction hit her and she winced, catching the attention of the sharp-eyed nurse. But before she could ask, Kaden came bounding up to her, tugging on the skirt of her dress.

“Momma, can I have a cake pop?” He looked up at her with those damn puppy eyes he knew she couldn’t resist.

Elain ran a hand through his hair. “Sure, sweetie. Only one. You don’t want to spoil your appetite for Uncle Cassian’s good barbeque.”

Said uncle was out in the backyard tending to the grill with her husband, Rhys, and the Moonbeam brothers because, apparently, that’s where men gathered. Aelin and Rowan had joined them, the former getting an eyebrow raise from Azriel at her company’s appearance.

She made her way to the kitchen, hoping to perhaps score one of those cake pops herself—she was the guest of honor, surely she could snag one too. Feyre, Nuala, and Cerridwen had been busy putting together the final touches for lunch and were just waiting for Cassian’s proteins to serve food.

But just as she reached the breakfast bar, a wave of excruciating pain washed over her. Catching herself on the counter, Elain gripped the side of her stomach, groaning loud enough that the other room went silent. And then she felt it. Liquid surged between her legs, puddling the floor beneath her.

No. No, it was too soon. They couldn’t be coming already.

Viviane rounded the corner from the living room as Feyre and the twins approached her.

Somebody breathed her name, but she couldn’t decipher who it was over the blood rushing in her ears.

More footsteps sounded as her friends and family came from the living room to see what was going on.

“Elain.” It was Feyre’s voice that broke through the fog of fear that had clouded her, but she was too numb to respond. Too nervous. “Somebody get Azriel!”

Her panic grew and her breathing turned shallow. It was too soon. She wasn’t ready, wasn’t prepared enough. The anxiety of giving birth hit her like a freight train.

She couldn’t do this.

She couldn’t.

~~~~~

Azriel took a swig of his beer, rolling his eyes at the cad comment Rhys made. His tanned skin warmed in the sunlight even with the sleeves of his button-down rolled up to his elbows. With a glance at the large window, he caught Elain rising from her spot on the couch, Kaden gripping her dress to speak with her.

Gods, that fucking dress. Elain looked like a maternal goddess in it, emphasizing her swollen belly, brimming with the life of his children. Az never realized he had a breeding kink until he and Elain got back together. His desire to fill her with his seed, to watch her grow with life had him hardening in his pants.

Now at eight months, she had reached the stage where little things irked the hell out of her. Honestly, her temper was cute as hell, but he tried to be considerate of her exhaustion and short-fuse, offering himself up to take the heat of her ire. It was only fair—he’s the one that got her pregnant.

It may have made him a primitive, alpha-douchebag, but fuck did he love to see her waddling around, pregnant and barefoot in their home. She was already such a wonderful mother to their boy, Kaden. Cassian had been right. He was so incredibly grateful for Elain’s maternal instinct.

“Something caught your eye, brother?” Cassian taunted, grinning. His brother knew exactly what he was looking at. Or whom.

He shot him a dry look that had Cash chuckling.

“If she wasn’t already pregnant, I’d say that look alone could’ve knocked her up,” he teased. “Who knew you had such a kink, Az.”

Azriel opened his mouth to retort, but the sliding glass door opening caught his attention.

Nuala peeked her head out, a worried look on her face that had his stomach tightening in knots. “Azriel! Get in here now!”

But he was already moving, dropping his drink on the table and running after her into the house, his brothers and friends hot on his heels. He froze in the entryway of the kitchen, taking in the scene for a split second before his eyes settled on Elain bent over the counter, a puddle of clear liquid beneath her.

His feet ate up the space between them in three long strides, her name falling from his lips as he cupped her face and forced her gaze on his. Azriel prided himself in knowing exactly what Elain was feeling, what she was thinking by just the look on her face. He read her better than he did himself. So, seeing the blatant apprehension and worry written as clearly as a tattoo on her forehead had his heart racing in his chest.

Her eyes were wet with the tears he could tell she was trying to hold back.

“Love,” he said quietly, unsure how to proceed at the moment.

She blinked like hearing him cleared a bit of the fog that had washed over her. “Azriel.” Her voice cracked.

He folded her into his arms, trying to soothe whatever worries were troubling her. “You’re okay, my love.”

Elain seemed to melt in his embrace, her tension slowly ebbing away the longer he held her. He gave her whatever time she needed, ignoring the audience they had around them, but it was long enough for another contraction to hit. She cried out, gripping his hand in hers and squeezing tight.

Viviane snapped into action at that. “Azriel, her contractions are about nine minutes apart now. She’s going to have at least two more by the time you reach the hospital.”

“No hospitals,” Elain growled.

That had him pulling back to look down at her. “El, the babies are coming—”

“No. Hospitals.” He could see the wavering in her face. “I—,” she paused, hesitating. “They’re not ready. It’s too early. Too soon. They can’t come out yet…” Her head fell until she was looking at the wetness still sitting on the floor. “I’m not ready,” Elain whispered so quietly, that he almost missed it.

Azriel knew that was nerves speaking. While Kaden made them parents, the idea of giving birth to the twins was the primary source of her fear. The books he read said that many expectant mothers experienced this type of anxiety right around the time they went into labor. If they were going to have any success in her having a smooth birth, Azriel needed to get her to calm down. He glanced at Cassian. “Can you get her a chair?”

His brother grabbed one from the dining room, setting it out for Az to carefully guide Elain into. He knelt in front of her, keeping her hands clasped firmly in his. “Elain, sweetheart,” her dark eyes latched onto his, needing to hear his reassurance. He kept his voice low, wishing they didn’t have to have this conversation in front of their friends and family.

Rhys seemed to sense that and began ushering people out of the room. “Let’s give the couple a few minutes.”

He shot his brother a grateful look before returning his attention to Elain. “Sweetheart, I know you’re scared. I know it’s earlier than we were expecting. But if there is one thing that I am certain of is that you can do this.” He squeezed her hands in comfort. “You are the strongest person I know. You’ve been through so much that once all is said and done, you’re going to look at me and tell me that this was the easy part. I promise you that if anyone can do this, it’s you. And I will be right by your side for every step, holding your hand, giving you ice chips, and bearing whatever you need me to bear to bring our children into the world.”

She sniffed, a small smile tugging at her lips. “You’re sure?”

“Without a doubt, Elain. You can do this.” He brought their joined hands up to his mouth, kissing her fingers and letting her absorb whatever confidence she needed. “So, what do you say? Are you ready to have our babies, love?”

Elain huffed a laugh, his words settling the nerves she had. “Yes, let’s go have our babies,” she breathed, her grin taking over her entire face, lasting all of thirty seconds before a look of panic took root once more. “Az, the birthing bag is still at the house.”

He let out an undignified snort. “Do you think after having that contraction in front of me this morning, I’d leave the house without having absolutely everything packed and ready to go? Come on, baby, you know me better than that. It’s all in the back of the car.”

She blinked in surprise. “The birthing bag and my pillow?”

“In the car,” he confirmed.

“Kaden’s overnight bag?”

“In the car.”

“The car seats for the twins?”

He scoffed. “You know I installed those weeks ago, try again.”

Her lips quired up at the corner. “What about the slippers I was wearing this morning?” she asked, thinking she had him.

Az rolled his eyes in playful exasperation. “I grabbed them when I snagged the birthing bag.” He kissed her hands again. “I’ve got you, love.”

And then she was leaning forward, kissing him with so much love and devotion, he felt it down to the soul she brought back to life. The sound of their family’s cheers forced them apart, a pretty blush dusting the tops of Elain’s cheeks, but she didn’t dare look away from him.

Without looking away from her, Azriel reached into his pocket, pulled out his keys, and tossed them to Rhys. “Can you grab Kaden’s bag from the trunk? The one with dinosaurs. And then Elain’s purple one as well.”

Elain’s brows furrowed in confusion. “Why is he grabbing mine?”

His lips pulled up into a knowing grin, brushing the shell of her ear as he leaned forward to whisper, “I thought you might like to change your underwear and put on a maternity pad for the ride to the hospital.”

Her cheeks heated in embarrassment, but she nodded in agreement.

A little body shuffled closer. “Momma?” Kaden murmured, looking so very worried over the state of his mother.

She held her arms out, motioning him forward. “C’mere sweetheart.” Elain tucked him into her chest, kissing the top of his head. “You’re going to stay here with Aunt Feyre and Uncle Rhys while Daddy and I go to the hospital to have your brother and sister.”

He looked up at her with those puppy-dog eyes and damn, the kid knew how to work them. “But I want to go with you!” His lower lip quivered and Azriel could tell he was on the verge of tears.

But his wife took it in stride, cupping his little face in her palms and swiping her thumbs across his cheeks. “I know, sweetheart. I know you do. But you’ll have a much better time here with your aunt and uncle. Momma’s not going to be fun to be around until your siblings are here.” She kissed his plump cheek. “But I promise that you will be the first to see us once they arrive. Okay?”

Feyre stepped forward, reaching out a hand for their son. “Come on, Kaden. We’ll have lots of fun eating all the desserts left over.” She shot them a wink when he finally relented, taking her fingers.

After cleaning her up as best as he could and getting her a maternity pad from her bag, he and Elain were in the car on the way to the hospital. As Viviane predicted, she had two more contractions on the way, grabbing his offered hand and the “oh shit” bar as she groaned her way through it. And then promptly went into a third one right as they arrived.

Az timed them out, still sitting about nine minutes apart. “Breathe, baby. Good, love. Just like that.” His thumb grazed the back of her hand. Her grip was tight, on the verge of painful, but he didn’t dare let his face flinch or show an ounce of discomfort. She needed his strength and that’s exactly what he was going to give her.

They were immediately escorted to their private room and Elain’s vitals were checked over. She was sitting at only two centimeters dilated, which meant they were looking at being there for a bit.

Between her contractions, he swapped out his clothes for a fitted black t-shirt and grey sweatpants to get more comfortable and then sent a text to their siblings to notify them that they were in and settled, but it would be a while before they would have any progress.

“Can you check in with Kaden?” Elain asked, taking a scoop of ice chips from her cup.

The corner of his lips curled up at the question. “I already did. Feyre said he wouldn’t leave the front window for a while and had to persuade him with his baby cousin and a lot of sweet treats.”

She snorted, shaking her head. “He’s going to have a mouth full of cavities before we get home.” Elain twisted to look at him. “Do you think we made the right decision by not letting him come with us? It sounds like he’s waiting for us to return. I know that some families let their little ones be present for the birth of their siblings and we discussed it—”

He interrupted her train of thought. “I think we made the right call, love. We’re going to be here for a while and we both know that things can upset him. I don’t know how well he’d handle watching you go through that.”

She nodded but didn’t look very convinced.

Azriel reached for her hand, covering it with his own and squeezing her fingers. “He’s safe and well-cared for. Remember that while we focus on bringing his little brother and sister into the world.” He brushed his lips over her knuckles in a sweet kiss.

Elain smiled softly at him. “Okay.”

And so, they waited.

Per his wife’s birthing plan, she wanted to attempt to go natural. Azriel admired her strength and resilience in doing so. But after over sixteen hours of hard labor, he could see her resolve fading.

He stroked her cheek, fingers brushing hair behind her ear. “Talk to me, sweetheart.”

Dark circles already lined the underneath part of her eyes. She looked so weary. “I’m so tired, Az.” Her voice came out nearly broken and fuck if that didn’t just rip his beating heart from his chest.

Kissing her forehead, he murmured, “Do you want to get the epidural? It’ll help you get some much-needed rest before the delivery.” As of now, she was only at seven centimeters and the doctor had said it could still be a while longer until she reached a full ten.

Her chin dipped in confirmation. “Please.”

Azriel didn’t waste time calling for the nurse. Within ten minutes, he watched as a grossly large needle was inserted into her back, sending that relief washing over her. He peppered her face with kisses during the procedure, murmuring words of praise and comfort in her ear as she gritted her teeth through it.

Elain spent the next eight hours in a fitful sleep, dosing off and waking up not long after each time. Azriel didn’t bother to try and sleep, not when she wasn’t really getting much at all.

But finally, after just past nine, she was fully dilated and ready to push.

His wife pushed and pushed and pushed for a half hour with nothing to show for it. She was in tears, frustrated, and so exhausted he was practically supporting all her weight having slid an arm around her shoulders to keep her upright.

“I can’t, I can’t,” she sobbed, half burying her face into his chest.

“You can, love. You’re so strong. Just a little bit more,” he tried to reassure her. It fucking killed him to see her like this.

“Can’t you do it for me?” she pleaded, looking up at him with wild, desperate eyes.

He gripped her cheek in his palm, kissing her temple. “You know I would, El. I would give anything to switch places with you right now. But I know you can do this. Just a few more pushes and then they’ll be here.”

Whatever she read within his words seemed to do the trick, her brows furrowing with a determination he hadn’t seen since they left the house. Elain pushed herself up, trying to get into a kneeling position, and he was right there, sliding behind her and supporting her weight.

The nurses squawked, muttering something about hospital policy, but frankly, he did not give a fuck, snarling, “Her body is telling her to push like this. Listen to your fucking patient.”

Changing the position was exactly what she needed because their son was born within the next two contractions, entering the world with a healthy set of lungs.

They sagged back against the pillows, his face wet with tears as they placed their new baby directly on Elain’s bared chest. He couldn’t stop himself from tipping her head back to kiss her softly on the lips, pausing the savor the moment.

Az traced the pads of his fingers over the curve of their boy’s cheek, just needing to touch him to prove he was here with them. Even covered in fluids, he was so beautiful. The perfect blend of the two of them.

The nurses gave them just a few minutes with the first baby before Doctor Chen said that she needed to start pushing again. She took their boy from Elain’s arms, promising to bring him back for Azriel after he was cleaned up and their daughter was born.

Delivery of their little girl went easier than with their son. But whereas their boy came out crying, their daughter came out silent.

Azriel knew something was wrong just by the silence, but it only grew the anxiety in his stomach when the doctor turned her back on them, taking their little one with her to work on.

“She’s not crying,” Elain breathed, worry clouding her voice.

He could only squeeze her shoulders in comfort, watching as they shoved things into her nose and mouth.

“Suction,” Chen ordered.

“Azriel, why isn’t she crying?”

“She’s going to be okay, love. They’re helping her. She’s okay.” The words passed his lips even as his heart dropped into his stomach when they started doing compressions on her tiny body.

No.

This couldn’t be happening. They couldn’t lose her. It would kill him to lose his little girl, but Elain, fuck, he couldn’t even begin to fathom the devastation she would face at this loss. There was nothing he could do. He couldn’t pay to fix this or threaten someone to save their baby girl.

So, he did what any father would do.

He prayed.

He prayed to every god, every deity, everything, and anything he could think of to keep his little girl safe and bring her back to them. To take her place if they demanded it. A life for a life. He’d pay it for his child, his family. “Come on,” he murmured. “Come on, baby. Come on.”

Elain curved her face into the side of his chest, howling in a way he’d never heard from her before.

His arms went around her, that dreaded feeling turning his blood cold. The terror he felt of their little one dead before she lived was unlike anything he’d ever experienced. But still, he did not stop praying, clutching Elain’s shaking body to his. “Come on, little one. Come on!” he chanted. “Please.”

And then, a rattled cough tore from her tiny body, followed by the sweet, beautiful sound of her cry.

Elain’s wail turned into relieved sobs, as the doctor walked over their bundled little girl and placed her into his wife’s awaiting arms.

“Somebody was just so excited to meet you, she took a breath a little too early, but we cleared out her passages and lungs and she looks good now.”

His wife tucked their daughter into her chest, kissing the top of her head. “Hi sweet girl, Momma’s here,” she whispered, tears still falling down her cheeks. Tears that matched the ones running down his face.

She was here. His baby girl. Fuck, she looked just like him, with dark hair and tanned skin. He hadn’t gotten a look at her eyes yet, but already she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

“Here you go, Mr. Archeron-Knight,” one of the other nurses said, pulling his attention from his wife and daughter as she handed him his son, cleaned up and wrapped in a soft blanket.

The small bundle was gently laid in the crook of his elbow. Azriel didn’t think he’d ever feel the amount of love he did on Kaden’s adoption day, but sitting here with his gorgeous wife, holding their newborn twins, he felt his heart soar in his chest.

Sweaty and fatigued, Elain glanced up at his face, the sweetest, exhausted smile pulling on her lips. “I love you,” she murmured.

He let out a sound that was a cross between a chuckle and a sob. “I love you more.” And then he kissed her, sealing that moment in time with his undying love for her.

~~~~~

Elain woke to the sound of a whimpering cry, swiftly followed by Azriel’s low voice.

“Hey, sweet girl. What’s wrong, huh?” She heard some shuffling as her husband lifted their daughter from the nursery bed. “Momma needs her sleep so we need to be quiet.” He kept his voice low enough to not disturb her—fuck she loved him so much—but she was already awake, rolling over in the hospital bed to face him.

Azriel holding his children was, hands down, the sexiest thing she’d ever seen. How she could even feel the need for him after pushing two babies out of her currently aching and severely injured body was beyond her, but just watching him bounce their fussing daughter made all those desires come roaring to the surface.

Almost as if he could sense her presence, hazel eyes slid to hers. “I’ve got her, love. Go back to sleep.” His voice remained soft as night as if anything louder would disturb her.

She curled up on her side, watching him. “I think we should get used to no sleep now.”

He huffed a laugh, patting Rosalie on her back as she further settled into the crook of his elbow.

Their daughter was almost two pounds smaller than her brother, coming in right at five whereas Ryder was a healthy six pounds, fourteen ounces. The doctor was a little concerned over Rosalie’s lower birth weight, but Elain had managed to get both babies to latch and feed earlier and she ate well, so they were mainly playing it by ear.

Because of her smaller size, Azriel already placed an order for some preemie clothes and sent a photo of her with the twins to their siblings. They asked to give them a day to recuperate before coming to the hospital in the morning. After the scare with Rosalie, both she and Azriel wanted to take some time to spend with the babies. Plus, the medical team was in and out of their room, taking Rosalie for some additional tests just to be sure everything looked good.

It was just after seven that night, and they were settling in for the evening. Tired of hospital food, Azriel ordered hamburgers from DoorDash for them to eat. Elain was starving and it sounded so good that she drooled when she suggested it to him. Both babies had been fed only an hour earlier and she anticipated not having another feeding till late evening or early morning.

Elain grabbed whatever sleep she could, knowing she’d need it when they were released in a couple of days, but she was sure Azriel hadn’t slept a wink since she’d gone into labor.

She pushed herself up, reclining on her pillows. The nurses cleaned her after the delivery and stitched her up from tearing, but Elain couldn’t wait to get home and take a proper shower. “Does she need to be changed?” she asked, nodding to the now-sleeping baby in her husband’s arms.

Azriel shook his head. “No, I think she was just fussing.” His dark hair was still mussed up from when he stripped out of his shirt earlier, taking time for skin-to-skin contact with each of the twins.

Elain had to rein in her laugh at how the nurse blushed as he revealed miles of gloriously tanned, tattooed skin and corded muscle. Her husband was a fine specimen, but he never flaunted it, so seeing another woman react to it was humorous especially since he didn’t even seem to notice her blushing, stammering state.

“You should sleep too, Az,” she said instead.

He looked at her, his lips curving up. It had been doing that a lot since the birth of the twins. The sweetest, smallest smile that crept up the corners of his mouth. Almost as if he didn’t even realize he was doing it. It was utterly adorable and made him look younger. “I’ll rest later. You need it more than me.”

Her shoulders shook in amusement. “You know, we can sleep when they do.”

“I just don’t want to miss a second of them.” His attention returned to his little girl who already had him wrapped around her finger. To be fair, all of their children did. “Fuck, I can’t believe they’re here already. It seems like it was only a month ago you found out you were pregnant.”

“I can’t believe our first anniversary is coming up in just a handful of weeks.”

At that, he laughed. “I guess a trip for our anniversary is out of the question?”

She grinned. “Not unless all our little ones are coming with us.” Because like hell was she going to be able to leave them so soon. Plus with her nursing, it just wouldn’t be ideal.

He seemed to consider her. “We could take the jet to the Summer District. Kaden will be out of school then and we’ll both still be out on leave. Just a thought.”

Gods, he was fucking perfect. “That might be nice.”

A knock on the door interrupted whatever he was going to say. He frowned in confusion, looking at her.

Elain shrugged, sitting up further on her bed. “Come in,” she called out.

She thought it might be a nurse or a doctor, coming to check on her or the twins. What she didn’t expect was for Rhys to peek his head into the room. Surprise lit her features and she glanced at Azriel, who looked equally as bewildered at the sudden visit from their brother.

“Hey,” Rhys said. “I apologize for dropping by unannounced, but somebody really couldn’t wait till tomorrow to see you.” He opened the door slightly, revealing Kaden clutching a teddy bear, eyes puffy and red from crying.

Her heart ached at the distress their son must’ve been in for Rhys to come all the way here. “Hello sweetheart,” she said, keeping her voice soft. “Come here, my love.”

He took a small step further into the room, Rhys’s hand guiding him at the backside of his head. Kaden took slow steps as he approached the side of her bed. “Momma, are you sick?”

She reached out to cup his cheek in her palm. “No, baby. I’m not sick. Your brother and sister decided it was time to come out of my tummy.” Her eyes found Azriel’s as he rose from his seat on the couch, moving toward them. “Would you like to meet them?” she asked, returning her gaze to Kaden’s.

His head dipped in confirmation.

Elain pushed herself back even more. “Rhys, can you help him up and then grab me that flat pillow over there.”

He set the boy on the bed between her spread legs, Kaden shuffling backward and bumping into her sensitive lower area.

She hissed out in pain before she could stop herself. A wave of agony washed over her with enough intensity that her stomach curdled with nausea.

Azriel reacted immediately. “Easy, buddy. Momma’s going to be sore for a while and we need to be extra careful with her.”

“I’m okay,” she spoke quickly, not wanting to upset Kaden any more than he already was, and kissed his plump cheek as she breathed through the pain. “Okay, Rhys. Place the pillow over our laps.”

Adjusting his arms in preparation, Azriel gently lowered their daughter until she comfortably rested on the nursing pillow.

“Kaden, this is your sister, Rosalie,” he announced, letting his finger stroke her rounded cheek.

Elain couldn’t see his face directly, but she did catch his eyes widening as he stared down at her, his fingers carefully tracing over her delicate features just as his father did.

“Rosawee,” he said, not quite catching the ending syllable. It would be something they would have to work on. When she kicked a leg within her swaddle, he pulled his hand back, startled.

She laughed, feeling the bed dip as Azriel sat down next to them, bringing over their son. “And this is your brother, Ryder.”

He reached out to trace the outline of his brows, the touch gentle and exploratory. “I’m a brother?” he asked, turning his head to look up at her.

“That’s right sweetheart. You’re their big brother, and they’re going to love you so much,” she told him, kissing the top of his head.

Elain took in her family, her incredible husband, and three beautiful children. It sounded so wild to even think about. She was a wife and a mother. Thinking back, she remembered the day that had changed the trajectory of her life forever. The bank robbery a few years back. It was crazy to think how such a terrifying moment altered her life in the best of ways. It brought her back to the love of her life.

It put her on this very path.

She’d face every one of the moments since then tenfold as long as it brought her to this point in time, sitting here with her gorgeous little family.

“Perfect.”

She looked up at Rhys, catching him with his phone out.

“Your first family photo.”

Her lips turned up and silver lined her eyes. “Thank you, Rhys.”

He waved her off. “Do you want me to take Kaden back with me?”

“No,” Azriel said, ruffling his eldest son’s hair. “He can stay here with us tonight. Can you put his booster seat in our car? The keys are in my bag.”

“You got it.” He grabbed the keys but paused on the threshold. “And congratulations you guys. Rosalie and Ryder are beautiful.”

Azriel leaned further into her side, kissing her temple. “Thank you, brother.” Once alone, he turned her head toward his, bringing her mouth to his for a slow, sweet kiss. “I love you so damn much, Elain.”

His smile was infectious, making her lips turn up at the corners. “Thank you, Azriel, for giving me this life—these babies. You have made me the happiest I could ever imagine. I love you.”

“Momma! She’s got my finger,” Kaden’s giggle interrupted their moment.

They laughed, looking at their three beautiful children.

Elain knew that this perfect moment was just the very beginning of the rest of their lives.

~~~~~

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elriel-month · 4 days

Text

CHAPTER SIX — FEARLESS

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Masterlist

Summary: Elain is preparing for her journey to Hel when Azriel arrives to apologize for upsetting her in the meeting. Their conversation quickly turns emotional and suppressed feelings come rushing to the surface.

Word Count: 3.8k

Notes: I can’t tell you how excited I’ve been to get this chapter out there!! 🫢

Elain

As Cerridwen and Nuala looked on, Elain rummaged through the dresses and gowns that hung in her ornately carved rosewood armoire. She couldn’t wear anything too bulky or heavy, nothing too formal. No fine fabrics that would be ruined by saltwater. Unusual as it seemed, safely projecting her sight to another planet would require Elain to be fully submerged in saltwater, so she needed to select a dress to wear into a bathtub.

Her day had passed too quickly and the time was drawing near. After Azriel’s exit from the meeting earlier that day, Rhys and Feyre had gone into detail explaining the task Elain would be undertaking. After addressing questions and concerns—most of which had come from Nesta—they’d all been dismissed.

Elain had gone straight to her garden and immersed herself in her work, knowing it was the only thing that stood a chance at bringing any peace to her mind. She pulled out stubborn weeds and pruned brown, wilted blooms from green stems, and as her hands moved and her body fell into a rhythm of flitting from one task to the next, the sharp pang of fear in her chest dulled until it felt comfortably contained. Distant.

Afterward, Nuala and Cerridwen had taken her out for tea and dinner in the city, providing her with a distraction that she very much needed. They laughed together and talked about a great number of things, none of which involved bathtubs or planets or demons. But now, it was getting late and all the distractions in the world wouldn’t delay her journey to Hel.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to do it. She did. If only she could calm her body and convince her mind to settle. If only she could be a bit braver…

Elain stepped back and eyed the rack of dresses with a judicious tilt of her head. “The newcomer said the mystics wear white,” she said thoughtfully.

Nuala raised her brows and shook her head quickly. “A white dress in a bathtub? I wouldn’t, not unless you’re comfortable with everyone seeing straight through it.”

Elain turned crimson at the thought. She wouldn’t wear white, then. And she could rule out the soft pastels and delicate floral prints as well. The deep blues and purples seemed too stately for this task. The berry reds and wines were dark enough, but red was the color of passion, an emotional color. It wasn’t a good fit when she needed to drown out emotion to focus on her power.

So many times, Elain had contemplated and selected the perfect gowns for balls and events of all kinds, but never before had she been required to determine which color of dress was best suited for the occasion of space travel. She considered which color would best connect her to her sight. Elain closed her eyes and considered the darkness there, just behind her eyelids—the blank canvas that her visions were painted upon.

Black. She would wear black.

A knock sounded at the front door and Cerridwen vanished in a puff of smoke, returning no more than three seconds later.

“It’s Azriel,” she said. “Do you wish to speak with him?”

Elain chewed her lip as she pondered over the possible reasons for Azriel’s visit. “Yes,” she decided, when curiosity won out over common sense.

“We’ll give you some privacy,” Cerridwen offered.

Hesitantly, Elain asked, “Do you think either of you could find a black dress for me? I know I haven’t left you with much time, but…”

Nuala’s dark eyes glimmered like stars. “We’ll find you the perfect one.”

Elain smiled and gave each of them a tight hug. “Thank you both. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Nuala grinned. “Without us, you would’ve selected a dress that becomes see-through the second it goes into the tub, and they would’ve never let you travel through space again—your projection would’ve caused a riot from the moment you made it to Hel.”

Elain couldn’t stop the genuine laugh that broke free from her mouth. “And I’m endlessly thankful you’ve spared me from that embarrassment.”

Once the two had disappeared into mist and shadow, Elain walked briskly toward the front door, reassuring herself with a deep breath before entering the antechamber.

Azriel’s weary eyes searched hers. “Elain…”

“Come in,” she said with distant formality, unable to meet his gaze. “Would you like some tea?”

“No. I don’t want tea,” he said carefully, looking at her as if it was inconceivable that she was offering it at a time like this. “Elain… I…”

“If you’ve come to talk me out of this, it’s too late,” she said, quiet and calm, but unmovable. “I’ve made up my mind.”

“I apologize if I upset you during the meeting today,” he said, shame darkening his face. “I only worry we’re rushing into this too quickly when we might find another way to contact Prince Aidas if given more time. I could send my entire team across the globe to find another solution. I would search Helion’s libraries myself.”

“We don’t have time, Azriel.” She looked up at him. “Do you think I will fail?” she asked, unable to hide the heartbreak from her eyes. “Do you believe I’m not capable enough to do it?”

“This has nothing to do with your competency,” he said firmly. “I don’t want to risk any harm coming to you, Elain.”

“I’ve agreed to do this because it needs to be done,” she said, lifting her chin. “There is no other way. You have no right to come here and attempt to cloud my mind with doubt at a time when I need to summon my own confidence.” Elain swore she saw a discreet flinch from him.

“I spoke up because I couldn’t bear it if anything were to happen to you,” Azriel said. “I came here because I care about you…”

Elain shook her head, glossy curls swaying. “This is more important than just me.”

Fierce hazel eyes bored into hers. “There is nothing in this world or any of the others that’s more important than you,” he said with steeled conviction. “Not to me.”

Elain stared back at him, stunned, before her face crumpled with hurt. ”How can you say that?” Her fragile heart fluttered uncontrollably beneath her ribs.

“I care for you just as deeply as I did the night we spoke of our feelings on the ship,” he told her. “I never stopped.”

She shook her head again, trying to hold the brittle, rattling pieces of herself together. “I don’t believe you.” The words were a weak whisper.

Azriel’s eyes were pained as he squeezed them shut. “I understand why you’d doubt me,” he admitted patiently. “But I swear it’s true.”

“Then why did you leave me on Solstice?” Elain demanded softly, but not timidly. “Why didn’t you do anything in the months that followed to even hint that you still cared?” This wasn’t the way she’d wanted to have this conversation, but she couldn’t stop herself. Like a rock that tumbled down a cliffside, she was gaining momentum with little care that she was racing toward an impact that could shatter her completely.

“You thought I didn’t care?” Azriel swallowed hard. “You thought my feelings could vanish so easily?” His low voice remained calm and cool, but Elain could see the clear evidence of his emotions running rampant beneath the surface—it was all there, written in his perfect eyes, etched into his face.

“What else was I supposed to think, Azriel? I waited. I waited for you to come and find me… to tell me that what we had wasn’t a mistake.”

“That isn’t—I didn’t mean it like that,” he said tightly. “I’m sorry.” He took a step back, closing himself off, and Elain couldn’t stand it. “I shouldn’t have come here. You need to prepare for tonight and it isn’t the right time for this.”

“Then leave!” she ordered him miserably. He froze, as if rendered motionless by her words. Elain did not soften, nor did she relent. “And then you can avoid me for another six months until you change your mind and decide I’m desirable to you again. But when you do, I will not be so foolish to put myself through this a second time.” This was it. This was how it all ended, like lovely magnolia blossoms destroyed by frost, crumpled and browned before they’d ever had the chance to unfold.

“No.” Azriel’s eyes were half-wild and completely frantic. Shadows billowed around him like a dark, raging storm. “I won’t. I won’t leave you. Elain… I’m trying. I’ve been trying…”

Elain wrapped her arms around herself. “You shouldn’t have to try to love me,” she said softly. “So don’t. I’ll never be enough for you.”

“That’s not what I—” Azriel took in a shuddering breath. “I’m trying to show you how sorry I am. I’m trying to show you how much you mean to me. I’m trying to show you that what I did to you on Solstice has been the greatest regret of my life. I will never leave you again, Elain.”

Elain’s world went still as she was granted the promise she had once prayed for over so many torturous weeks.

It was not enough.

“Why now?” she asked. “Why after all this time, when you had every chance to fix this months ago, before the damage had been done?”

“Elain, I—”

“You knew I was heartbroken,” she murmured, her voice trembling as silvery tears gathered at the corners of her eyes. “You could’ve said something. You could’ve sent a letter. You could’ve spoken to me at any point… But you didn’t. You knew what I’d been through and you knew exactly what your rejection would do to me.”

“I’m so sorry…” He reached toward her with a shaking, scarred hand before forcing it to his side. “I wasn’t—I never wanted to hurt you.”

He had, though. He’d hurt her, and these past few weeks of reconnection, the shared smiles and his kindness—it all felt so far away. In this moment, she couldn’t feel anything past the aching, empty pit in her heart—a hole carved out from the place he used to be, a wound that had never healed completely.

“Do you want to know why I haven’t agreed to hear your apology?” she asked soberly as she held herself tighter. “You want me now, but I’m scared that you will never care enough to stay. Not for long. And I don’t think I can live my life in fear of the day you change your mind about me again.”

“Elain…” The shadows grew darker, wilder. Through their whirling veil of darkness, she could see the devastation on his beautiful face. “Elain, please—”

“All I ever wanted was for you to do something, anything to show me that you cared.”

“I cared…” he choked out. “I always did.”

She shook her head sadly. “You didn’t care. You always held back. You never cared enough to show me—”

She said nothing further because Azriel’s hands were cupping her face and his mouth was meeting hers, and she hadn’t seen it coming through the tears clouding her eyes. And gods, his kiss was desperate, born from frantic need and feelings he’d hidden for much too long, but his lips… his lips were gentle.

Elain froze, and then with a whimper, she kissed him back, melting into him, her pain not forgotten, but unwilling to stop her arms from wrapping around his broad back. Azriel’s trembling fingers slid into the hair at the base of her scalp and stroked the nape of her neck over and over, as if he was making sure she was still there, as if he was reassuring himself this was real.

“I’m showing you now.” Azriel spoke the words against her mouth. Then he kissed her again, and when his tongue brushed the seam of her lips, Elain yielded to him, and as he deepened the kiss, she caressed his back with long, steady passes of her hands. However much he would give, she wanted it all. Even if it ravaged her entirely in the end, even if this was all he would ever give her.

Because in her arms stood the male who’d risked his life to save her. Because this was the male who asked her what she was thinking of, just to discover the thoughts she kept to herself. This was a male who was kissing her like he loved her. Elain never wanted him to stop.

She clutched at Azriel’s lower back, tugging greedily until she felt the satisfying press of his hips and cock against her, and then he moaned, a low rumbling arising from deep in his chest. It was the most beautiful sound Elain had ever heard.

Between her legs, she was aching, and now she was nearly dizzy at the feel of his hard length against her stomach. She needed more.

Still, Azriel kissed her, working the most exquisite magic against her lips, magic that she could feel shimmering in every empty chasm beneath her skin. Azriel dipped down to hoist her up into his arms and Elain hooked her legs around his back, the light fabric of her skirt bunching as she weaved her fingers into his silky black hair.

He stepped forward until Elain’s back was pressed against the wood paneling that lined the walls of the antechamber, never ceasing with his lavish cascade of kisses—ravenous kisses that left her moaning and gasping and dragging her hands over his handsomely sculpted body, just to feel him, just to claim him for however long she could.

There was nothing but Azriel, and like this, with his feelings an endless river, streaming into her through every touch, every untamed kiss, Elain was completely enraptured. His rich, woodsy scent was all around her and she inhaled it until he was every breath in her lungs, every thought in her head, every heartbeat in her chest.

“Now can you tell that I still care?” he asked breathlessly, his lips parting from hers as he stroked her cheek. “Can you tell that I’ve thought of little else but you each day I had to stay away, and hundreds of days before then?” His eyes drifted shut as he sucked the rosy flesh of her plump lower lip. “Thoughts of you consume me.”

He kissed her again, his tongue meeting hers, her whole body answering the command of his own, savoring the soft press of his hips and the feel of rough hands that touched her so wondrously.

“You’re right,” he said, pulling back enough that Elain could see the entirety of his face. “I shouldn’t have waited. But I’m showing you now. And I’m telling you that you are everything to me.”

Elain’s gaze swept across the features of his face, taking him in, seeing all of him—the striking hazel eyes darkened with need, his magnificent wings, spread wide enough to span the width of the antechamber, gilded by soft beams of sunlight filtering in through the fogged glass windows… and she saw beneath a chest that rose and fell with heavy breaths, saw all the way to his heart—unfettered and laid bare before her for the very first time.

“I missed you, Azriel,” she breathed.

His brows creased with feeling. “Gods, Elain, I missed you too.”

But as she held his face and traced his soft lips with her thumb, an unwelcome realization jolted through her.

Rhys’s plan.

As Azriel leaned in for another heated kiss, Elain halted him with one gentle hand on his chest. “Azriel, I… I have to get ready…” She shook her head as if she was breaking free of a spell, unhooking one leg from around him and searching for the floor beneath her with her bare foot.

Azriel carefully helped her down, studying her face. “Something’s wrong,” he said, pulling in his great wings as a flicker of fear went streaking through his eyes. “What is it?”

Elain tipped her head forward, resting her forehead against his chest. “I wanted to go into this calm and settled. And now my head is spinning…”

“I’m sorry…” Shadows began encircling him like bands of smoke, their return drawing Elain’s attention to the fact they’d been completely absent just a moment ago. He ran his hands down her back with one long, soothing pass after another. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought you wanted…”

“I’m not upset with you,” Elain said, stroking the scaled leather armor that covered the sides of his ribcage. She felt him relax at her touch. “But Azriel, I’ve spent the last few months building walls around my heart, trying to learn how to be happy without you. I’m overwhelmed. And now, I have to travel to an entirely different world in one hour and I feel like I’m falling apart.”

“Fuck, I’m so sorry, Elain.” With one hand still resting on the small of her back, he dragged the other through his hair. “I didn’t mean to make this harder for you.”

“You really don’t think I can do this?”

He shook his head. “It’s not that…”

“Then what is it?” she asked gently. “I thought you had faith that I could master my powers and use them to help others. But when I have a chance to do exactly that, you appear at my door to tell me I shouldn’t.”

“I do believe in you,” he said. “I believe that you will master your gift and become the most accomplished seer Prythian has ever known. But I will always want to protect you and keep you safe. That’s who I am. And this…” A flash of emotion crossed his face and Azriel looked away. “This frightens me. It feels… too unpredictable. It’s difficult for me—when something so important is out of my control.” His eyes settled on hers once more. “I can’t stand the thought of anything happening to you, Elain.”

“What if I end up lost?” she said, her gaze dropping to the marble tiles that covered the antechamber floor. “What if these Princes of Hel aren’t the saviors we think there are and they try to trap me on their planet?”

His siphons flickered, casting the antechamber in a cold, blue light. “Then I will find you,” he vowed, shadows gathering like menacing serpents. “I will destroy anyone and any part of the galaxy that stands in my way, and I will bring you back.” His strong arms encircled her and he pulled her in close against him. “If you need me, I will come for you.” Elain settled into his warmth, resting her cheek against his chest and folding her arms around him.

Elain couldn’t remember the last time anyone had held her like this. Couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so safe. She knew he would be lying if he’d promised her that nothing would go wrong. She knew the possibility of anyone being able to help her while she wandered the depths of space was nearly nonexistent. But she trusted him. If there was anyone who stood a chance of finding her out in that endless, empty void, it would be Azriel.

Elain prayed it wouldn’t come to that. She would never forgive herself if he had to gamble with his own life to save her for a second time—couldn't fathom the thought of anything happening to him.

She wanted to do this on her own, wanted everyone to see that she was not as weak and helpless as they believed her to be.

“I really must get ready,” she murmured distantly. “I can’t be late.”

“Would you like me to stay?”

Elain shook her head. “Nuala and Cerridwen will be back soon with my dress for this evening. And I need some time alone before then.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, holding her tenderly against him. “I know I’m at fault for upsetting you today.” He stilled and took a cautious step back. His eyes found hers, uncertainty muddling them. “Do you still want—is this okay?” he asked, anxiously.

“Yes.” The feeling of him pulling away from her, even for a moment, left a heavy knot in her stomach. “As long as you want to. As long as this isn’t you changing your mind…”

“No,” he said, bending to nuzzle his face against her neck. “Never. I won’t let anything keep me apart from you again.” He pressed a gentle kiss against the side of her throat. “I won’t stay away unless you ask it of me.”

As much as it hurt her heart, she had to say it—“We have a lot to talk about, Azriel.”

He tensed. “I know.”

“But we will,” she told him, softly. “When tonight is over, we’ll talk about everything.”

Azriel nodded with relief. “Thank you.” With his hand at her waist, he stroked her side with his thumb. “I know you need to be alone right now, but I never want you to feel that I’m leaving you again. I won’t go until you tell me to.”

Elain’s anxious heart settled. She hadn’t realized how much she needed to hear those words, though perhaps Azriel had known. She suspected he was fully aware of each raw edge left overexposed inside her.

“I’ll see you tonight, Azriel.” Placing one hand on his chest, Elain balanced on her toes and wished him goodbye with a kiss on his cheek.

“I’ll be with you the whole time,” he promised. “We all will.” He held her close. “I have faith you will travel to Hel safely and the Mother will watch over you as you find your way back home.” And after one long, lingering kiss pressed against her forehead, he vanished.

Before her thoughts had a chance to rise up into a towering wave, Elain’s attention was drawn toward the sweet shadow that accompanied her, who was now rushing in rapid circles around her wrist. He behaved in this way each time Azriel winnowed away, and she wasn’t quite sure if he was reacting to her own feelings or protesting over Azriel leaving.

She smiled at him, appreciating the levity he brought to the moment before her fears began creeping in like common periwinkle, invasive and smothering. She could feel the seconds slipping away, disappearing too quickly, bringing her closer to the inevitable task that awaited her.

Elain lowered herself to the ground. With her legs bent in front of her and her skirts draping down from the peak created by her knees, she eased herself backwards until she was lying on the antechamber floor with her palms pressed flat against the icy marble beneath her. The tile cooled her overheated skin.

A lady knew better than to degrade herself by lying in the middle of a dirty floor. But tonight she was not a lady, she was to be a world-walker. And she was overcome with dread because she still didn’t know the first thing about being fearless.

Thank you so much for reading!! ❤️❤️

When I set out to write this story, I knew I wanted their first kiss to be initiated by Azriel in a moment of passion when he couldn’t hold himself back anymore. I was hoping that this chapter would show growth for both of them because Elain speaks her mind and lets herself express how hurt she is and Azriel finally lets his walls come down to show Elain how he feels. They will take it slow with each other later on. 🥰

The shadow reacts to Azriel leaving the way it does because it likes when Elain and Azriel are together and wants him to come back. 🥹 Because it can sense their emotions, it can tell they feel whole and understood when they’re around each other. 🥰

I recently began listening to music while writing and I feel like it helps so much!! While workshopping their pre-kiss dialogue in the antechamber, I cycled between “Decode” by Paramore for Elain’s POV and “Beautiful Things” by Benson Boone for Azriel’s dialogue (especially the chorus).

My parents moved into a house with a magnolia tree, and the very first spring, the sweet pink blossoms froze and turned brown before they could open and they looked so sad and horrible. It was the first thing I thought of when reflecting on how Elain would view the possible loss of their beautiful, unexplored potential.

In the next chapter, we get to see Elain push her powers further than she ever has when she travels between worlds! Do you think she’ll succeed?

#elriel #elriel fanfic #elain archeron #azriel shadowsinger #azriel #elain

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