dumbartistneedshelp

[dumbartistneedshelp]

being in love with someone platonically is so evil. esp if youve met online and theyre kinda a freak. like what the fuck dude. why is home someone ive never met

[dumbartistneedshelp]

.

#relapsing chai. okay #y not

[dumbartistneedshelp]

time to find another fandom ig. just started watching camp camp, are they cool? maybe I could get back into wings of fire. is genloss still kickin? or I could be more into warriors, they never die

maybe I could just focus on my ocs?

I feel like a lost puppy lol. or an orphan.

[dumbartistneedshelp]

Don’t know who this quote is by but it’s been stuck in my brain like a leech for days

[dumbartistneedshelp]

regret. regret regret regret. i do NOT want to be attracted to somebody i know. ever. bc im not. probably. not like i can tell the difference anyways. but still. it is much easier to be attracted to some celebrity than someone you know in real life. not that i would know

vent blog > vent blog but instead of my suicidal thoughts its me venting about why my fucking hormones cant BE NORMAL and be attracted to a guy YOU KNOW rather than some celebrity thats closer to your parents age than you. God

[dumbartistneedshelp]

i miss my kittyyyy :[[[[

#cw animal death #i miss him!!! #i want him back #my brain keeps trying to get him back but i cant because hes gone #hes gone forever #we all knew this was going to happen #he was 14~ years for fucks sake #but. it still hurts #hes been with me my entire life #deigo i miss him my kityy my grumpy old man i miss you #its 3 fucking am and im sobbing over my dead cat on tumblr #i hope my other cats are taking it better than me #everything feels so empty #i miss him

[dumbartistneedshelp]

myself and my body and the things i copy from other people and my brain and my emotions feel so separated from eachother i dont feel like a person anymore

I look in the mirror and it isnt me, its the body im in. thats not me its not. I think if myself in my head and its not my body. but it is and i cant do anything about it

i can't tell the difference from myself and the things i stole from others i dont know who i am anymore i dont know whats a joke anymore

and the ball if grief ive held for no one in particular (myself i think) still sits in my throat and sometimes its so big it chokes me and i cant breath. I feel like im drowning

is this just what growing up is about? is this normal? i feel like theres something wrong with me its all wrong because im stuck in a body that isn't mine and a brain that hates me and people that love me but i can't love back because something broke inside me a long time ago and ive built walls so high ive become trapped inside them. i built the bars of my cage because i thought they would keep me safe, but i guess it was other people who needed to be saved from me.

whatevdf its 2 am ill probably delete this in the morning

#vent #im probably going to rb this on main cuz i love attention (i just want help)

[dumbartistneedshelp]

hey is there anyone (preferably a mutual but idc at this point honestly) who i can vent to in dms. i usually just yell into the void but i want someone to hear me

[dumbartistneedshelp]

ive decided to plot my feelings on the its so over/we're so back scale whenever i cant describe how im doing

[dumbartistneedshelp]

hate it when i disagree with me and then we get into an argument and it causes a meltdown/panic attack(?) and even after i still keep being a dick to me and then i cry and the only person whos there to help us is also being a fucking dick. and then we swear in front of him only making it worse. i just wanted my sister to turn the light of (i was going to leave the room anyway)(shut the fuck up you stupid fucking bitch fuck you)(ok damn) and then i hurt her.

#fuck my stupid baka life

[dumbartistneedshelp]

be normal talking to friends challenge impossible

[dumbartistneedshelp]

i fucking hate my dad

#vent

[dumbartistneedshelp]

why did i write this like a narrative writing assignment for english class. im a fucking joke. dramatic piece of shit

sunday night, 5/9/2023, easter (vent)

sometimes i feel like i don't deserve to be depressed. to cry. to go to the "traumacore" tag and relate, to relate to posts tagged with "actuallyabused". because i wasnt. I've had friends, i Have friends who have been through worse and came out better.

is learning your father is transphobic traumatic even if you arent trans? even if you already knew?

and i cant fucking tell if its me or if its not. if im wrong or if im just more ill then i thought.

sunday night, 5/9/2023, easter

my father told me he didn't believe that i loved him. he was drunk. i was had just finished the last episode of the owl house, so i was in bed. the only light was the green lava lamp.

see, i've never been one to show affection. especially to him (men in general tbh, idk why, i've always been that way). i never said i love you back

people say that words can hurt, which is true, but words unsaid hurt more.

and, to me, it felt like him saying "i dont love you". it wasnt that, though, it was "you don't love me".

that night, i had to convince him that i loved him. i had to get from my bed and hug him (i could barely reach my own hand, i never felt so small) and scream that i loved him. until he said "i really feel like an asshole"

yeah, dad. i'm sure you do

i said nothing. i couldn't disagree.

1/2

[dumbartistneedshelp]

9 and/or 11 for overly personal asks? No pressure if it's too personal lol

yes finally!!! Also i know i have unhealthy coping mechanisms no i cant stop and no im not going to.

9 - do you cry? why or why not?

Yeah. Uncontrollably. Kidding- well most of the time. Ive learned to hold my breath until i stop but sometimes (like that one time in math class. ugh) once i start breathing again i cry again. I try not to cry infront of other people though because its awkward for them and shows weakness, and i need to be scary (they wont hurt me if theyre scared of me. this does not work i will not stop)

11 - tell me about your last failed friendship.

I dont have that many so im just going to list them. 1, Childhood friends, grew up together, moved away, i made a mistake and we havent talked since. 2, we werent friends yet, she died before we couldve been, we were in 3rd grade. 3, it was my fault. I was young and stupid but the mistakes i made were nessacary. I try not to think about this one- but i cant help it. It seeps through the cracks of my life. The people involved are still my some of my classes. Long story short, i hate pick-mes, people hate drama, i cause drama. I dont even know if they think about me at all. Probably not. The pick me? We were never friends. Fucking hate that girl. Its unfair. I took her friends away from her. She deserved it. She was a child. So was i. So are we. ANYWAYS--- thanks for letting me vent ig. you dont have to read all that if you dont want to. The tldr is bolded if you want to skip my ramblings

[dumbartistneedshelp]

heres a post i was gonna post on my main but decided to not actually. i need to get my thoughts out somewhere (where theres at least a possibility that someone might see it)

#(hi jinx again) #(i cant post without tags for some fucking reason (tumblr hates me specifically) so im just gonna say hi to you)

[dumbartistneedshelp]

vent blog > vent blog but instead of my suicidal thoughts its me venting about why my fucking hormones cant BE NORMAL and be attracted to a guy YOU KNOW rather than some celebrity thats closer to your parents age than you. God

#tw sui mention #(the celeb is wilb. if u were curious) #(idk who 'you' even is. the only person that follows this blog is one of my mutuals who isnt even active anymore and jinx) #(so if ur seeing this jinx. hi) #(dont ask)

[dumbartistneedshelp]

i don't wanna die. I just dont wanna live like this.