doctor-hate

[doctor-hate]

I have done so much my 16 year old self would be proud of

Still being in a house with my abusive fucking parents? Not one of them

I still want friends

I still want parents that actually care about me and won't hit me and don't go off chasing their own desires without asking me what I want

Or anyone really who will genuinely love and care for me

[doctor-hate]

Accepting myself, even the parts that hurt me, has been a struggle. But I'm trying.

Edit : including an image description that mod bright at @accessfashion did!

[image description: a thirteen panel comic about chronic pain in the artist’s legs.

First, black text reads: “sometimes all of the pain just gets too much”.

Beneath the panel show a pale person sitting and holding onto their thigh with both hands.

Second, text reads: “and I begin wishing that I could just exchange my legs for better ones”.

Panel shows a red book labeled “legs”.

Third, text reads: “maybe I could have a mermaid tail instead”.

Panel shows the book open to pages that show a fish tail and a text bubble that says “so many options”.

Fourth, text reads: “it would be beautiful, and I could spend all my time swimming”.

Panel shows a pale mermaid swimming away, surrounded by sea life.

Fifth, text reads: “but then I wouldn’t be able to leave the water…”

Panel shows a pale centaur facing away from the camera.

Sixth, text reads: “a centaur body would give me twice the number of legs, and I go anywhere I want without a car”.

Panel shows the book with a rearing centaur, but fine print reads: “caution: can’t fit in small areas such as elevators and household doorways”.

Seventh, text reads: “I guess maybe not everywhere”.

Panel shows faun legs with a bubble that reads: “smaller than a centaur! Very nimble!”

Eighth, text reads: “goat legs would be smaller, and I could prance about”.

Panel shows a pale faun standing facing away from the camera.

Ninth, text reads: “but I don’t think I could handle all the extra fur…”

Panel shows snake tails with a bubble that reads: “slithering is the new walking!”

Tenth, text reads: “a snake tail would be really comfortable to sleep with”.

Panel shows a Naga curled up with their tail falling into their face.

Eleventh, text reads: “but I would probably get myself tangled up.”

Panel shows the legs book closed again, next to a boba tea and a cat’s paws.

Twelfth, text reads: “maybe I’m just too picky”.

Panel shows pale legs extended in a bathtub full of pink water.

Thirteenth, text reads: “or maybe I should accept my legs the way they are, pain and all”.

Panel shows the pale legs bent at the knee, a black cat curled up beside them, and two bottles of pills sitting beside them.

End description.]

#im crying op #thanks

[doctor-hate]

Because of medical trauma, in my head are:

Me, early 20s

A 6-year-old who deals with the majority of my pain and trauma memories

The 11-year-old whose only job is to pick up languages and is still damn good at it

My protector and caregiver to the children - a 34-year-old introject of the mentor who set my standard of care

And sometimes a persecutor introject. Sometimes.

I have some kind of non-DID system though as I never fully non-front. Like, there's no amnesia, I just hear voices and there are multiple thoughtstreams in my head. That doesn't make me bad. Since hearing the voices I've become far more functional. But it is very tiring.

[doctor-hate]

The child alter doesn't want us to leave home and so keeps hiding our key and food card

[doctor-hate]

I have parts in my brain and I am not disturbed by this in the slightest as they are helpful and we do not have amnesia but it makes people think that I am. odd. I am not odd. I am OSDD. And I still do not want to talk to my therapist about it again.

i have been better untherapized and unmedicated but WITH pain control than I have ever been therapized and medicated. this is telling. a majority of my parts have been responding to unending physical pain and medical neglect for a decade and so creating them was my brain splitting its consciousness to scream at me about how much agony we were in, and now that we have pain control and am out of therapy for depression i have both discovered the system and learned to work with the system.

We have no amnesia so it's more making sure communication is good and we work through triggers the way we were taught. The intrusive thoughts can get super bad sometimes especially when the pain is severe but if I start having symptoms of co-consciousness or the other thoughtstreams begin to slip out I know I'm in too much pain to go anywhere.

[doctor-hate]

Section Topics for my Autoethnography

bad things:

No pain control for 18 hours post 6-hour surgery in which my legs were literally broken and reset (the Big Bad Thing)

That time a 6-year-old child was undermedicated to the point of torture and neglect, and left to scream for hours on end for 5 days right in front of me and her poor suffering mother (the Second Big Bad Thing)

The Asian mom with munchausen by proxy and her severely ill underweight baby that she would carry around like a doll

A nine-year-old with a botched femoral osteotomy was left to scream for a week at home with no pain control and came to therapy severely traumatized

That time a male PT put aforementioned six-year-old into a chokehold for crying

The ex-military male PTs in general (evil)

They would give all the white patients to one nurse for meds and all the Black patients to another, spaced out by an hour

good things:

The absolute fucking top notch parenting from Arab parents and parents of colour. Their babies never left their sight. Ever. Ever ever.

The poor long-suffering Arabic translator who had to translate "Shut up!" "Be gentle!" and "Ya ALLAH, LET GO!" more times than I can count during group PT because the PTs were also raging bitches who didn't know how to ask for consent

The Indian man who brought a large camp cot into his little daughter's room and would spend all day when she was not in therapy walking around with her on his shoulders talking to her

Veiled moms with kids who would chat while waiting for the elevator

Trips to Lush in my wheelchair and smelling like a candy store barfed on me (still the thing I do when Sick Smell begins to take over)

[doctor-hate]

I once, age 15, roomed in inpatient physical therapy with a 6-year-old Black Latina girl, who I will call Cara, and her mother, who I will call Rosa. Cara had cerebral palsy, and her vocal cords were affected and she could not speak. She had unexpected jerking movements and couldn't control her head or body. Her body lay loose in her chair or twisted up in various spastic configurations a majority of her life, and the lack of control over these movements can be very painful.

One: Cara was 2 weeks out from a very painful surgery on her groin, and I had the same one plus six others at once - they had her working in PT at the time when my vulva was still the size of an apricot. Standing? Doing PT? Was horrific. I will remember her wails of agony for my entire life. You shouldn't do PT on a child that young who's had surgery that recently. But the guidelines were written by doctors who don't go under the knife.

Two: Her mom's first language wasn't English. Dear, sweet Mama Rosa was exhausted and couldn't understand what the doctors were saying half the time, and I couldn't fucking blame her. She didn't understand the pain her kid was in. I couldn't fucking blame her. She just knew that Cara's crying sounded different, and was a lot more loud and frequent, and worked around the clock to try to help.

Three: these bitch-ass nurses. on a floor of zero emergencies, took 2 hours to get a round of children their meds, and instead of doing entire rooms at once would run around like looney tunes and wait 2 hours between me (white) and my meds and this TINY 6 YEAR OLD BABY (Black-Latina) AND HER MEDS. So she NEEDS her Valium AND her Oxy every 6 hours on the hour or she's screaming her little head off from the involuntary jerking movements and spasms, and they do me at the BEGINNING and HER AT THE END. EACH DOSE. FOR THREE DAYS.

3AM-5AM agony. 9AM-11AM agony. 3PM-5PM agony. 9PM-11PM agony. Repeat. For two hours each time. For three days. Piercing screams. Wailing until her little throat gave out and she coughed herself to semi-consciousness. During physical therapy was the same - "Mama, Mama..." The nurses would keep telling Rosa, "We have a 2 hour window to get patients their medications." End of story. NOT with meds as time sensitive as these and a FUCKING BABY you don't, you racist fucking cunt.

I would sit and hold her little spastic hand while her mother would get a few moments of rest. I would sing to her and try to make her laugh when she was lucid enough to try to be happy. Mostly, though, I would whisper - "I know it hurts. It will ease soon. I promise."

I ultimately had to say to my nurse and then again to hers, - "I don't CARE if I get MY meds late, if Cara gets her meds on time. She needs her Valium EVERY 6 HOURS. I can wait. She cannot. She's in intense pain."

When they actually brought her medicine when they were supposed to? No crying except for communication - very short, very controlled, not even distressed, just "I want that." No crying during PT. I got to see her smile. The first time I heard her beautiful laugh I was stunned speechless.

She was a baby. She was so beautiful. Frankly, I was a baby, too, but they were torturing her because of their own inability to get their shit together, and they needed a sacrifice. I was the eldest girl on the ward, and she was my sister. She was so little. How could they leave someone that little to cry? If Rosa was not there, if Rosa caved and left Cara alone for even 8 hours to get some sleep, without the company of her father, Benito - the poor child would have been inconsolable.

I got my meds hours late until she left and I was fucking happy about it.

#medical abuse #medical ptsd #actuallydisabled #childrens hospital #c-slur

[doctor-hate]

this is a doctor hate page✨

[doctor-hate]

The way doctors have traumatized me is literally similar to a sexual assault victim and I will never forgive my doctors for the amount of therapy I've had to undergo because of this ongoing trauma

I hate being touched, I don't trust my body, I'm constantly anxious and hyperindependent, my sex life is NONEXISTENT, I was NEVER taught about proper consent and that type of context is NEVER happening in the medical field. When I think about a medical procedure my legs start shaking. I cannot do this if it is going to make me ill. I just cannot.

[doctor-hate]

chronic illness life is being in pain from the moment you open your eyes

chronic illness life is feeling exhausted even when you’ve slept 8 hours

chronic illness life is making sure you have medications and devices for any situation whenever you leave the house

chronic illness life is watching the people and the world around you rather you die than wear a piece of fabric on their faces

chronic illness life is understanding your illnesses and symptoms better than doctors

chronic illness life is endless medical gaslighting and trauma

chronic illness life is wondering if a trip to a new doctor or the ER is even worth more medical bills

chronic illness life is wondering every single fucking day if any of it is worth it when you know you’re never going to get better

it’s exhausting and depressing and frustrating and traumatizing and I’d never wish this life on anyone

[doctor-hate]

The impulse to bite physical and occupational therapists so hard I hit artery never goes away

[doctor-hate]

- October 7, 1915

- The diaries of Franz Kafka, 1914-1923

[ID: Insoluble problem: Am I broken? Am I in decline? Almost all the signs speak for it (coldness, apathy, state of my nerves, distractedness, incompetence on the job, headaches, insomnia); almost nothing but hope speaks against it. End ID]

[doctor-hate]

Working in an American hospital should radicalize you. Healthcare shouldn’t involve helplessly comforting crying patients who want to die quickly so they don’t bankrupt their spouse.

#op I'm reblogging this to my doctor hate blog but if youre a doctor i want u to know i dont hate u personally #just your entire cohort and everything hospitals stand for

[doctor-hate]

a moment of silence for everyone in queen elizabeth university hospital right now, with its 13 floors, non-adjustable heat system, no-fans policy, and unopenable windows

[doctor-hate]

The idiocy of doctors causes immense amounts of morbidity every year and they will never ever admit this

[doctor-hate]

medical professionals be like “oh my this problem you have seems to have progressed to a severe level” my doctor in christ you are the one who ignored the symptoms

#DEADASS!!!!!!!!

[doctor-hate]

Lol @ one of the most famous research hospitals in the nation giving 15-year-old me a combined Valium and Percocet addiction for six straight months after surgery

Aside from Oxy (which i also had in the beginning), that's like the ABSOLUTE SHITTIEST COMBINATION. TO GIVE TO A CHILD. God, I still fucking love opiates and thats why we need better pain and spasm controls in this country.