diaryofahealingbxtch

[diaryofahealingbxtch]

I had an entire STACK of awards I received from 3rd-8th grade. From perfect attendance and accelerated reader to NJHS and best theater student. I also had medals for getting in the top percentages for state test scores.

My parents never really cared about my successes. I never got the money for every A, like my classmates talked about, or the ice cream for getting a perfect score. I really had no reason to excel in school. I just did. There was no motivation coming from external factors, but I think I was afraid of what’d happen if I failed. I knew I didn’t like serious talks. I didn’t want to ever be singled out. I didn’t subscribe to the “any attention is good attention” belief. The worst thing would be doing everything in my power to gain a reward if mention of one. At one point, If not hidden deep inside me still, I have had a competitive spirit. Always wanting to be the best. Maybe it was the high I’ll never forget, the day I guessed the title of ABBA’s song about a young and sweet 17 year old. I was 6 years old, in the kindergarten gymnasium during a Christmas dance event. I recalled the song from a CD my sister and I used to jam out to, and ran to whisper in the teacher’s ear. The PE coach announced that I got the answer right and I won an open bag of Hershey Kisses & the whole class crowded around me and chanted my name.

Anyway, my mom and I were cleaning up and getting ready for my first ever flight to move back across the country. The stack of awards (the medals had already been long gone), came into relevance again & I don’t know if I’m remembering this right, but my mom asked if I wanted to keep them. At this point, I’d already given up on academics. I had “senioritus” as a sophomore. I decided that she could toss them. And she did. There’s days I sort of regret not holding onto more things I accomplished during my youth-ier years. I deserved to be awarded, and to receive praise. Surely, too much praise might lead to a not so great result too.. but surely there’s gotta be a healthy middle ground.

[diaryofahealingbxtch]

I don’t wanna claim I know everything, maybe I’m just full of myself, but I think I can tell when people are covering up the truth for the sake of saving face.

I pick up on the little things in their texts and I remember a lot of details. I accumulate a lot of knowledge through tiny subtleties just from “people watching” on social media. There’s a lot of patterns in peoples behaviors lol, and I too am human so I can definitely pinpoint when certain people are feeling a certain way because we’ll have that in common. I’ve been able to predict when people were pregnant before they’ve even announced it, just by paying attention. If you just pay attention, people will really tell on themselves. Idk, that’s kinda random, is that weird? Lol

[diaryofahealingbxtch]

Hey, it’s been a hot minute.

I got fired from my job, right when I was feeling ready to possibly take on more hours.. I was denied easing my way into it. I guess that’s what happens when you let yourself “relax” a little too much. Anyway, I can’t dwell on it so I attempted to move on. I was getting interviews left and right. Everything was good, I even accepted a job offer. I didn’t last more than 2 weeks. I wanted to give it a month, but the crippling anxiety was not a move. Oh well. It was a little bit of everything that sent off the alarms about that place. Something about “authentic” Italian inspired food just doesn’t sit right lol. Anyway, after that I lost motivation. Im still trying, just not as desperately. I feel like I’m in limbo. I’ve kinda lost hope on myself and everything feels kind of pointless again. I don’t like feeling this way, but i’m unsure of what I can do to get out of the rut. My determination is gone. I am trying to not feel like a victim by the cards life has dealt for me, for I haven’t flipped them all over yet. Things could get better, but how do I accept and move on.. how do I trust that they won’t get worse?

Surely I’ve survived 100% of my hardest days, but I don’t feel any stronger. I’m simultaneously proud of myself and full of hatred for the person I am. I can give advice and see simple solutions to everyone else’s problems but how do I give myself that same courtesy and accept I have to change? What do I change? How do I allow myself to mess up and how do I redirect myself?

[diaryofahealingbxtch]

So it took an entire month for so and so to realize I blocked them LMAOO sorry, I’m not explaining much more.

Yaw YEET

[diaryofahealingbxtch]

I’m struggling to sleep today, I couldn’t tell you why.

[diaryofahealingbxtch]

Today I’m looking back at old photos. My life before I realized it was bad. I sorta noticed that i “regress” quite a bit back to a time where I recall being happy. Not that I’m not happy now, but there was such a sense of freedom I’ve been chasing for so long. I don’t know how else to explain it..

[diaryofahealingbxtch]

My tiktok is full fledged autism stuff again, yikes :|

Again, nothing wrong with it!! But I just, sigh. My therapist doesn’t wanna diagnose me with anything, my sister annoys me about her “suspicions” for herself and my niece… it’s just UGH

[diaryofahealingbxtch]

Reasons why I feel guilty about wanting another kid:

Even though I know I shouldn’t.. logic behind why I shouldn’t let these reasons get to me.

Comments on TikTok about how having children is selfish, while yes, there’s really no way around it, there’s nothing wrong with being selfish. The act of wanting and having a child is not a selfless one, however, raising and dedicating time (which is mandatory after having one) is pretty sacrificial & if someone is willing to do that, then let them. If some one has opinions on you having kids but is doing nothing to help raise or finically contribute to them, then what’s really their say when it comes down to it?

Having another will be finically straining, sure, but the startup cost has already been offset because we have tons of clothes and toys already. Having a first kid was “expensive” I suppose, but was it really? Children do not care about brand names and monetary things for a while, you can raise them in a way that they never value a logo over thoughtfulness. There’s always sales and deals to help the cost of kids as well. Maybe I am fortunate enough to have not noticed the dent in the bank after having a child. However, as long as my kids have food, a roof, clean clothes, and love.. that’s all I could ask for. It doesn’t take being rich to be a good parent, it takes being present.

Feeling like others in my life disagree with me about having another. Again going back to if they’re not contributing to raising it, why’s it their deal? It’s my body, my choice, my family. Both my husband and I want another, we want a small age gap due to personal experiences & honestly we’re happy to be younger parents.

Worried it’ll ruin my work ethic even more, I don’t know how to get around this one, but I will. I’m determined. Despite not wanting to spoil my kids, I’ll still need to work in order to maintain the other needs for them.

[diaryofahealingbxtch]

In therapy I kinda came to the conclusion that I’m so hard on myself for my “shortcomings” because I’m so scared of ruining my kid’s childhood. My childhood was spent with a lot of filth, clutter.. I was embarrassed by it. I didn’t know it wasn’t normal until I started having friends over. In 3rd grade I had my friends sleep over once & they said they couldn’t sleep because the mountain of stuff piled on my dining room table was annoying them & too enticing to go through. Well, my dining room table is still, cluttered with stuff. I think that’s why I hate my kitchen, it’s just too small for the way we function. I still cannot find a better way to organize it, but I also haven’t really tried I guess. It’s too overwhelming, luckily, bubs is still small, there’s time for me to fix it. I’ve also been on the internet for too long now, which people broadcast their tidy, aesthetically pleasing homes. I must remind myself that my mess is a lived in home, and I’m not doing the worst job at keeping up with it. It could always be worse. However, I want it to be better. I just keep trying and falling short every time. Like I said in a voice memo though, it’s not my sole responsibility to keep the house clean, there’s another whole ass adult here to keep accountable too. I know for a fact when we buy a house, it’ll be better. Because genuinely I don’t think it’s really our fault we seemed to have outgrown our space.

[diaryofahealingbxtch]

In other news, I did get to catch up with a longtime, old friend. We haven’t had one on one time in what feels like ages. We click differently when it’s just the two of us, and I missed that. I think it went well, I didn’t wanna leave but we both had places to be.

My little family went to the apple orchard today, it was a blast. My birthday was super great too, I don’t think I really wrote about that yet. I have a tendency to not document the good things here, but shit I’ve gotta say life isn’t too shabby.

I will say, I am struggling with working still & my self worth is feeling rather.. well.. non-existent. I keep my kid alive and that’s about it. The bare minimum I suppose. I know my worth shouldn’t be based off monetary income.. but frick man, this economy has me stressed tf out.

[diaryofahealingbxtch]

It’s been over a week now since I’ve blocked her on everything except my phone number. I don’t know how she feels about it all, I’ve never confronted her, but she doesn’t seem worried. I kind of figured, she was more than okay ignoring me even when I tried. I keep second-guessing myself, maybe I’m in the wrong, I wasn’t patient enough.. I didn’t try hard enough. I remember back to seeing all the effort that they could put towards others though, how it seemed to come easily to pick and choose who got it all. I hate to sound like a bitter, jealous person.. but I used to give my all too. The more I dwell, the more I feel like I’ve put a lot of good towards people who didn’t have the same mindset as me. Not that it’s a competition or anything to be kind to others. But I have exhausted resources for people who barely pay me the time of day. I think now that’s why I’m so hesitant to give more to people I feel truly cared about by. I always want to do more for them, but I’m scared they’ll just take it for granted and we’ll disconnect anyway. I will say I never really gave things for anything in return, hell giving was always something that made me happy. As someone who didn’t receive much growing up, as soon as I got the means to, I made sure everyone would feel showered. I still to this day feel guilty when receiving a nice gift. I don’t know why, maybe it’s the feeling I must reimburse them for it. It’s funny, how that works. Anyway, maybe I’m the toxic one for “keeping score”, but what’s unjust is unfair. And I can’t handle imbalances.

Some things aren’t meant to be and no matter how bad you want you it to work, you just gotta let it go for you peace of mind.

[diaryofahealingbxtch]

I talk too damn much I guess. People don’t like that 🤷‍♀️

[diaryofahealingbxtch]

Well. I cut off a long time friend today. I decided I was done seeing her entertain others and not bother even telling me a simple happy birthday. No closure, nada. I know it may seem petty, but my mental stress has already felt so much better because of it.

[diaryofahealingbxtch]

I lack motivation and discipline lol

[diaryofahealingbxtch]

Fuuuuuuuuck

I dunno man. I should NOT be getting so triggered over a dumbass Snapchat story. I don’t wanna overreact but I am a bit hurt and it’s not even PERSONAL UGH.

[diaryofahealingbxtch]

I’ve gotten a few more autism related videos, but again only due to trends. I have not been interacting with them and so far it seems to be doing due diligence.

Life has been pretty okay lately. I mean other than the general annoyance or being slightly annoying overwhelmed with dishes.. it’s been okay. My birthday is soon. I’ll remain positive about how it’ll turn out.

[diaryofahealingbxtch]

Aw shit I got 1 autism video now, however it was in reference to a very viral lady and calling her out on ableism!! It was not something that was self diagnosing or anything!!