deathbychiapudding

[deathbychiapudding]

Worst Job Ever

So after a roller coaster ride of a summer job, I had a new job all lined up. I mean it sounded like the dream job I always wanted but as it turns out it was a colossal nightmare. Basically it was this bizarre combination of being a Barista/Graphic Designer job. I’d gone to school to be a designer, I’m still rather proficient in the programs and designing period. But within the first day several red flags went off. The design space was the worst I’d ever seen. The entire desk was covered in a constant pile of stuff. The kitchen was extremely disorganized to the point that I couldn’t get anything done without rummaging around in a pile of stuff. This is not an exaggeration.

The training was the absolute worst I’d ever received. Usually when a place trains you, they teach you stuff when the place is closed so you are prepared for a crowd, but in this place the training took place while you’re being asked to do a million other things. How in the hell was I supposed to learn how to make a latte when I’m being asked to run next door to the dollar store to buy three gallons of water?

This brings me to the weirdest part of our story. Because day two into training, and we were dealing with having no water because the boss/owner had forgotten to pay the bill and the water was cut off for half my shift. Yes the owner is this stupid, disorganized, and irresponsible. So she sends me to the dollar store to grab three gallons of water to pour down the back of the toilet so that we could actually flush the poop of the little old lady who’d relieved herself in it. Yeah so day two and I’m running errands so we can flush old lady poop.

My first hint that the owner was an irresponsible pile of shit should have been when she was asking me on the first day to sweep up a metric fuck ton of sawdust in the back behind the building so that her landlord didn’t evict her. Then on day two she’s showing me the label machine because she makes her own soaps, shampoos, etc. Then the label machine goes on the fritz and she’s never read the manual so I’m looking things up online to troubleshoot so I do and finally get it working, So I save her ass multiple times and by day three she’s literally behind me constantly berating me because I can’t navigate my way around her bizarrely organized Kitchen area.

On day three she’s got another graphic designer she’s training who’s fucking up worse than I am from the sound of her yelling and yet somehow she decides to let me go after I take care of the store and save the new trainee’s ass. Because she decides to leave for 20 minutes. So new guy and myself are manning the coffee while she’s gone. In that time frame I manage to make several iced lattes, a cappuccino, and black tea, because the guy knows how to make none of it. Then when she comes back she calls me to the back and fires me saying that she thought I looked stressed. Well no shit lady! Her idea of training is standing behind you berating you while you make mistakes because she has told you nothing of what she’s supposed to.

This could easily be dismissed as incompetence on my part only that I did my summer job so well that they are begging be to come back next year. I fucking max leveled on competence at that job. The guests and staff loved me. I know this because those were their exact words. I like to take care of people at my job. I go out of my way to spoil them rotten and get things down to maximum efficiency. Yet somehow I’m incompetent because I can’t read this crazy woman’s mind and make her happy? God what is wrong with people? I know that this is not every barista job. It’s probably just her. In a normal place they would’ve let me take time to practice and train properly, but not this crazy lady.

I mean I totally get it. She’s got a business to run and time is money, but if you don’t train your employees or respect the people under you, you’re not going to go very far. My hint that she doesn’t respect her employees should’ve been that there are no veteran baristas working there. She’s got no one that’s been with her for the three years she’s been in business, or even someone that’s been there one year. High turnover. Honestly I hope she destroys herself, and that friends is why I haven’t posted in awhile. I scheduled a trip and went on the trip, worked crazy hours at the summer job then went from a night shift into this nightmare of a job only to get treated like shit. So I go from getting treated very well to very badly in a very short amount of time.

#worst job ever #barista #graphicdesign

[deathbychiapudding]

Who thought this was a good idea?

I tried my hand at making chia pudding with chocolate almond milk and the results are depressing to say the least. I put three tablespoons of chia seeds to one cup chocolate almond milk as is the suggested ratio. I added extra cocoa powder, cinnamon, and nutmeg for flavor, and there is just no making peace with the weird texture. It really does have the appearance and taste of slightly chocolatey frog spawn. It really is extremely flavorless and it’s going to be difficult to add flavor to this gooey mass.

I mean if I could describe this, it’s sort of reminds me of the goopy stuff that the people are eating as rations in that movie the Matrix. Who in their right mind thinks this tastes good? I’m still holding out hope that this could taste better with coconut milk but I won’t hold my breathe. I even tried their method of shoving it all into the blender. The result is a chocolatey mess that is almost the right thickness but with an unmistakable gritty after texture.

I am thoroughly saddened by this development, but my stubbornness won’t allow me to quit my quest to make this edible.

#chia pudding #keto #these people can not cook

[deathbychiapudding]

Lost and Found

You know what I absolutely love? I love sitting on the phone with USPS for over 40 minutes waiting to speak to a person after a long day of work. Cause that that is what happened three days ago and I was absolutely thrilled. If my sarcasm is lost on you, here’s the basic rundown of what happened.

Remember that package that was supposed to arrive with the Keto Sweetner and the chia seeds? Well after watching it for two days on the tracker, I was informed that the package was dropped outside my front door. But here’s the funny thing, it wasn’t. When I tried to call the local post office to see what was up, I come to find out that you actually can’t call them directly anymore.

Instead there’s this one toll free number with one of those AI answering machines giving you options. So I finally opt to try and speak to a person. I will say though that if there’s an award for most annoying waiting music, these people should win. If you have it in your mind that you are totally incapable of violence as a person, listen to this music for ten minutes and it will convince you otherwise. I can only describe it as being bland and trying overly hard to be soothing without being close to succeeding.

So after 40 something minutes of waiting, the lady who answers informs me that I must wait till 8PM to be sure that my package is lost so that they can launch an investigation. So I wait till 8PM but by then the office is closed so I don’t bother calling. I wait another day and still nothing arrives. After two days of frustration and beating myself up for choosing the free shipping, I decide to go shopping for stuff I need. I come back and low and behold the package is waiting out front on a Sunday somehow. I still have no idea how that happened. So there it is, my little tale of frustration and woe, and that’s why I haven’t posted anything on the chia pudding.

#postal service #seriously wtf #keto

[deathbychiapudding]

I hope you like chia pudding

It’s actually rather funny how things turn out. See somewhere in my 20′s I began to realize that although I love eggs, eggs don’t seem to love me. Yet as I begin my research on the Keto diet and begin to collect resources and recipes, one thing becomes painfully clear. A lot of the breakfast recipes are egg recipes. So as someone with an egg intolerance I kept thinking to myself, “What in the fuck am I going to eat?” I mean sure I like bacon, but I don’t have the funds to eat that much bacon every morning.

But then I saw it among the recipes, a slimy beacon of hope. I saw multiple recipes for chia pudding among the recipes and I thought, “Oh boy am I looking forward to eating something described as having the consistency and appearance of frog spawn.” Let’s not forget that these are also recipes by health conscious people, which is another way of saying, people who can’t cook to save their lives.

Man it gives me such great joy to embark upon this mission to take flavorless strangely crunchy goo and turn it into better tasting crunchy goo. So once my Amazon box of Keto sweetener and chia seeds get here, I can try my hand at flavor nuking this into greatness. It won’t be easy either because like I said, all of these recipes are by people who’s idea of cooking is putting fruit slices into a dehydrator or putting avocado on toast. I’ll be sure to post the results here.

#keto #diet #dieting #chia pudding #eggs

[deathbychiapudding]

Introduction

I’ve decided to take this journey into darkness after a growing concern for my health. A few months back I finally bit the bullet and decided to see a doctor about my absent periods and extreme hair loss. I was so afraid about the costs and what it might be, that I avoided it thinking that if I just exercised more, and took some vitamins that maybe everything would magically go back to normal. Well it turns out that my hormones are fucked and that would never have realistically worked according to my doctor because as it turns out, I have an annoying condition known as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, also known as PCOS. Basically you get cysts in your ovaries, and it fucks up your hormones, making you prone to mood swings, depression, weight gain, and infertility. It also causes an excess of testosterone causing you to get hair in strange places. I’d been to multiple doctors in the past that could not explain my absent periods and the hair growth, They dismissed it all as a simple hormonal imbalance probably due to genetics. If I hadn’t quit birth control due to financial problems I probably would have never gotten a proper diagnosis.

The aftermath of this has been me taking my prescribed birth control pills religiously and terrible tummy issues from taking metformin for sugar regulation. Which is another important thing I forgot to mention. PCOS keeps your body from breaking down sugars correctly so I have to take medication for it. Unfortunately I have the worse reactions to it. See according to the studies your body is supposed to get used to the medications and any side effects should go away. “Should” being the keyword here. However months later I’m in a world of tummy aches and diarrhea.

I’ve reduced my dosage and only when I forget to take the medication does everything digest normally. Adding dietary fiber has yielded mixed results. The only thing that seems to help is the addition of more meat to my diet. It is with this knowledge and the knowledge that I need to lose weight to improve my condition that I’ve made the drastic decision to try Keto in hopes that the extra meat and veggies will help my digestion and help me lose weight like a normal human being.

I work a rather active job. I ride my bike to work. In a normal body I’d be dropping weight and gaining muscle like crazy, I know because my legs are muscular and toned, my arms have some minor chub, but the tummy fat won’t budge. So as an insane last ditch effort to put a dent into the weight I gained going off of birth control, I’m in the planning stages of cutting carbs and sugar for awhile, documenting strange journey. I’ll be posting recipes and good resources I find. God help me. I love bread, sugar and all the things. i love carbs. I feel like I’ve lost my mind even thinking of attempting this.

#keto #pcos #dieting