dear-eli

[dear-eli]

I bet you don't ever think about that first night, at Jenna's party. But I do.

I bet you never think about that night we laid awake at the UU church, just talking. But I do.

I bet you don't think about that last hurrah we had the weekend of July 4th, before Kacee officially started enforcing our no-contact break, and how that was probably the last time we ever fucked. But I do.

I bet you don't think about every night I fell asleep curled up against your chest, or every night I cried myself to sleep because the tiny sliver of time I was allowed to spend with you kept getting whittled down smaller and smaller, until there was nothing left.

But I do.

[dear-eli]

Please miss me back.

[dear-eli]

before you reach out to someone you miss, remember why they’re not there anymore. understand the possible consequences of reopening that door. it’s easy to impulsively run back to something that feels so familiar. but not every door is worth reopening.

#i needed to see this months ago lmfao

[dear-eli]

Lmao hormones are wild. I was all sad and moody and missing you (platonically only), and then I spent half my workday sending you all the tiktoks about narcissistic abuse I'd saved up for 2 and a half years in hopes that maybe someday you'd watch them and wake the fuck up and realize that Kacee has been treating you like dogshit for a decade. And now I'm horny lmao (unrelated)

I'm so ready for my period to stop so I can get off this damn roller coaster, sheeeeeesh

[dear-eli]

You know what I miss the most?

It's not the sex, although that was pretty great. It's not even the non-sexual intimacy, things like kisses and cuddles and you cutting my hair or popping my zits for me - though again, I do miss those things greatly.

No, what I miss the most is you being my best friend. I miss being able to talk to you about almost anything, watching movies together and understanding each other's movie quotes and references, sharing memes and penguin-pebbling each other with things that remind us of each other, having someone there who always had my back with the kids or whenever I'd have anxiety attacks at work. Someone who gave a fuck about me as a person and shared my interests and didn't judge me. I miss having a best friend in general, and I miss that best friend being you.

I think that died even before our relationship did, tbh.

#depression #maybe bargaining? a little? in the sense of 'i wish we could still be friends instead of pretending we never meant anything to each other' #ignore me #im hormonal and moody

[dear-eli]

it’s so heartbreaking when you finally realize you don’t mean shit to someone who means so much to you.

[dear-eli]

LISTEN tcock is the perfect size to nestle deep into my mouth and fill it completely. Let me be your cock warmer. Let me please you for hours at a time. I just want to serve and dedicate my time to pleasing you as best I can. Fuck your tdick deeper into my mouth; put your hand on the back of my head and force me deeper. I’m your toy, your stroker, your hole to fill. Make me be your toy

[dear-eli]

when kafka said ‘you wouldn’t believe the kind of person I could become if you wanted it’ and when brontë said ‘if you ever looked at me with what I know is in you, I would be your slave’ and when Sartre said ‘if I’ve got to suffer it may as well be at your hands’

[dear-eli]

And just when I start to think I'm over it, when I haven't thought about you in weeks, suddenly it hits me all over again and it's like I have to start the phases of grief all over again. This time all st once.

I'm lying awake and missing you and crying myself to sleep all over again. I'm in denial about you not caring about me anymore, all over again. I'm angry about you dumping me and your mom kicking me out, all over again. I'm bargaining with myself and debating asking you to be FWB because I miss sucking your dick, all over again. I'm depressed and lonely and want to beg you for just one hug, all over again. And I'm blogging on here instead of messaging you because I know nothing would ever come of it if I did, all over again; I guess that's acceptance.

I accidentally sent you an SOS message the other day and all I got was terse, almost one-word replies. At least you replied at all, meaning you haven't blocked my number. But I'm not sure if you even knew it was me that messaged you. I think you probably deleted my contact and all our past messages. I haven't been able to bring myself to do that yet. Idk, maybe you were just busy at work and that's why you didn't reply much. But to get just "you good?" in response to what's ostensibly an emergency text, and then just "ah" in reply when I said it was basically a pocket dial, seems unusually curt for you. Not even an "ah, ok" let alone an "I'm glad you're alright." Just "ah." It feels like I don't matter to you anymore. I wonder if I ever really did.

[dear-eli]

I miss you. I still love you. The really fucked up thing is, I don't think I've ever loved anyone like I loved you. I don't know if I ever will again, I don't know if I can. I probably wouldn't survive it if I did. I put up with SO MUCH shit for the love of you, from your wife's manipulations and control to your sister's financial abuse to your mom's petty bullshit, all the way up to your violent temper and disregard for my boundaries, and you never even acknowledged or cared about any of it. I built my whole goddamn life around you, Eli. And it's like you never even fucking noticed.

And it's still so fucking hard spending holidays without you. First time in 3 years I haven't seen you at Thanksgiving or Christmas, even if I didn't really spend half of those holidays with you. And I don't even get so much as a "hey, happy holidays" text from you. I know you're busy and stressed and focusing on spending time with your family, but come on. So much for us being friends.

#anger #depression

[dear-eli]

You don't even think of me, do you?

Until I message you something random out of the blue, you genuinely forget I exist.

You don't hear a song, or see something with a character on it that I like, or get on minecraft, or lie awake at night feeling lonely or nostalgic, and think of me. Not the way I think of you. Not to the point of crying.

Have you ever even cried over me? Over losing me? Have you even had time to cry in the past few months??

If you actually did have the time alone to process our ending. Would you even cry over me then?

I wish I could stop crying over you.

I don't want you back, I don't want things the way they were. I just want you to hold me and talk to me and joke with me and be my damn friend. But I'll never have that again. Ever. It's not possible and I know it. But that doesn't stop the longing

#depression

[dear-eli]

I miss you. I miss being your friend. I wish you thought of me half as much as I think of you. I wish you thought of me at all.

But the people I love never do.

I can only be tolerated in small doses and being loved by me always makes it too much. Far better to cut me out completely and pretend I never existed. Why waste time thinking about someone you don't care about anymore?

Did you ever really love me at all? Or was that just an illusion, a trick of the novelty and NRE?

How long did it take? How long? To turn that love into nothing? How long ago did you stop loving me? Because it was more than five months ago. It was more like 2 years ago.

I should've just ended it after that standoff after Oaklynn's birthday party. But I was stupid and naive and I believed you loved me. So I let myself love you and clouded my judgement. Blinded myself, deliberately, to what was right in front of me the whole time. The erosion of whatever you'd once felt for me, whatever connection we'd had. Gone. In that moment it was already too late.

I hope I never make that mistake again. I'm so tired of staying where I'm obviously not wanted and licking drops of affection off the blades of knives.

#depression

[dear-eli]

I finally got far enough into the books to meet Chaosti. He's only been in a scene or two so far, so I don't have all his backstory or whatever, but I kind of get the gist. A Dea Al Mon (forest elf/fae - and I think a bit shorter than human average) Warlord Prince with a hot temper who would fight for those he cares about without hesitation? I can see how that would befit you.

Riley actually reminds me so much of you right now. Both drowningly busy with work and school, both hot tempered but more pragmatic than your (strong-willed) wives, both struggling and slaving away to just barely make ends meet (and keeping silent about personal health issues, and wrestling with your bodies' respective failures of yourselves). It's almost uncanny how messaging him felt like talking to you.

[dear-eli]

I guess it's a good thing that you're still ghosting me. And an even better thing that I haven't yet bothered trying to work up the nerve to ask to see you in person. Because as much as I miss just being your friend, just spending time casually with you and enjoying your sense of humor and our inside jokes and movie quotes... I know exactly what would happen if I saw you in person.

I would collapse. Maybe just internally, but the floodgates that I've been keeping firmly sealed for months here with the dam of my denial, pretending they don't exist, would break open and I would just start sobbing. And you would reflexively offer me a hug, whether you actually had an ounce of affection left for me or not, just because you're a soft, caring bastard on the inside and can't stand to see people hurting (no matter how much you try and hide that side of you under your prickly 'sarcastic asshole' exterior). And the moment you had me in your arms, the moment my cheek hit your chest, the moment my heart went home, I would never want to let you go. And it would break my heart all over again in that moment, the anguish of knowing that that moment was fragile and temporary, so so temporary, never meant to last, never meant to be true, but if I close my eyes I could pretend, just for a second, just before you'd pull away and my heart would shatter all over again.

The other reason it's inadvisable for us to meet again in person is because I know myself, and I know us. Our spark may have been forcibly smothered, consciously or unconsciously, but it never truly died. If there was even the faintest hint of the same physical chemistry that we used to have - which I have no reason to believe there wouldn't be - I know myself well enough to know that you wouldn't even have to ask. The moment I had any indication of desire and consent from you, I would do anything you wanted. You could snap your fingers and I'd fall to my knees right there in a parking lot, in front of god and everyone, and suck your cock just the way I used to. I never could resist you, even when I wanted to, even when I tried setting boundaries with myself in hopes of a more reciprocal sexual relationship. It never mattered. I would have done anything to please you, even if it meant I never felt pleasure again. And god help me, I still would. I wish I could hate you for that. I resent you for it, for my inability to tell you no, to resist the call of your body. I resent the knowledge that even now, after you spent years systematically breaking me emotionally and then shoved a dagger through my heart and had the audacity to blame me for putting it there, even now knowing you chose her over me and always fucking would, I still can't break your hold over me. I still don't want anyone but you. I'd still do anything for you, anything you wanted, just for a split second's taste of your love and affection. I hate it, I hate myself, and I hate you.

I hate you for never formally releasing me from my collar, too; maybe that's why I subconsciously feel like I still belong to you. But it's been far too long, and I don't know how to bring it up now. Because it didn't matter to you like it mattered to me. It mattered so little to you that you forgot you'd even done it, less than a year in. You probably just assumed that part of our bond was implicitly broken when you ended our romantic relationship. But it wasn't. At least not to me. And now I still don't know how to bring it up without sounding like a fucking pathetic overly-attached needy leech, looking for any excuse to worm back into your life even if just to beg for my subconscious freedom. I know you hate me. I don't know why or what I did to make you turn so cold to me, but then I never do. Somehow this always happens with anyone I let myself love and somehow I never see it coming. I never know how but it's always my fault.

#denial #anger #bargaining #depression #still not to acceptance yet #still not ready to move on. #i wish it didn't matter so much to me #this post got carried away from me; the original point was the sex thing #but i think I've said that bit before anyway #then i thought about my collar - ans how uncollaring me would be the perfect excuse to beg for a meeting in person #and then i realized it didn't matter to you at all or you would have asked for it back the day we broke up. #i realized how long ago you'd forgotten it even existed #and thus how little that dynamic meant to you #and now i don't even want to ask because you'll either think im stupid and making a big deal out of nothing #or worse you'll just ignore me. just continue ghosting me like you have been for the last month

[dear-eli]

That moment when you have a dream about somebody and it feels so real that your brain legitimately has to take a moment to grieve its loss when you wake up and realize it isn't

#depression #technically it wasn't you in the dream #...it was jacob elordi from Euphoria (don't ask me why; i do not know) #(and even weirder; in the dream he was basically trying to circumspectly ask me and/or the friend(gf?) i was with to eat his 🍑 lmao) #(he tried to bribe/entice us by picking pears for us out of this massive tree - showing off lmao) #(mine was shaped like an upside down heart 🥲) #(so i told him like 'i don't even know how to do that. i have no experience. but like. maybe??) #('maybe? if im like 💯 sure you cleaned between the cheeks? idk it seems awfully intimate to ask of someone youre not like dating') #and then he came closer to me and let me hug him for a sec. just for a second. my arm around him & ear to his chest #and it felt so real!!! #until i woke up juuust enough to realize: jacob elordi was not real. #BUT that my brain had used the very real sense memory of hugging you to produce that dream sensation #and it made me so homesick #because your left ribs still feel like home to me #even five months later #what the fuck is wrong with me

[dear-eli]

Sometimes I send you things because they make me think of you

But you never reply.

Sometimes I think you were the last hope I had of finding someone who would actually understand me and put up with me

And then I remember that even you only managed that for about a year anyway.

What the fuck is the point? What is the point of trying to be friends with you when you won't be my friend? What is the point of trying to be friends with ANYONE, let alone be loved by anyone? What is the point of me??

#depression #good. that much closer to acceptance right??

[dear-eli]

I hate you for giving me so much of what I wanted in the beginning, only to slowly and gradually take it all away until there was nothing left and you claimed you couldn't even remember the way things were

#specifically regarding sex lmao #he was a great Dom at firdt #and then he just. stopped.