daydreamsinlavender

[daydreamsinlavender]

I wish I had said yes, even if it hurt

I wish I could have jumped into your arms, quickly, easily, falling for you and your warm soul of glowing light

I wish I had known that my heart would still be wanting you, years down the line. To know your comfort and know your voice, it would have been enough. It shouldn’t be enough but god it’s almost too much.

#words #r

[daydreamsinlavender]

from palm reading by becky tarasick

#words

[daydreamsinlavender]

good things will happen 🧿

things that are meant to be will fall into place 🧿

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having many nuanced and complex thoughts on the concept of gender btw. if you even care

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‘The Madonna of the Roses’ and ‘The Madonna of Pietà’ by William-Adolphe Bouguereau

#dude

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The divine act of creation. To craft and mold yourself to completion.

#queer joy #fave #inspo

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My final for class - Creation of Adam

Prints

#I LOVE TRANS PEOPLE I LOVE THE CONCEPT OF CREATION FOR TRANS PEOPLE #fave

[daydreamsinlavender]

I used to think that my house was haunted, back when I was a kid. 

I’d put rainbow sticky notes on the walls to see if a ghost would move them as I slept with my head under the covers each night. I didn’t know what a haunting was, but evil had made itself so comfortable in that house that it seeped into the walls like nicotine and fear, poisoning the air supply for generations to come. I live beside a graveyard, after all. Ghosts latch on to vulnerable people. I’m still not quite sure if they ever leave.

Sometimes a ghost will take on a human form. I am possessed by the ghost of my father’s anger, and his father’s anger, and his father’s anger as well. I think that a father is a type of ghost. Having a father is a type of haunting I will never be able to explain on a page. There are no blood curdling screams, no pools of corn-syrup-fake-blood sticking to my bathroom floor. The ghost instead lives in the hole his cellphone made in the living room wall back in 2009. The ghost lives in those green eyes I share with my sister that we’d both do anything to change. The ghost lives inside of me, and I really don’t know how to perform an exorcism on my own flesh and blood.

Apparently, there are no clinical cases of haunting, and it is instead an alphabet soup of diagnoses that make sure I will never have children of my own. The haunting is hereditary, after all. It doesn’t matter where I end up, I will pack the skeletons in my closet into a moving van and cry when I wake and the graves I placed on opposite sides of the house have already been dug up.

I don’t think that I live in a haunted house anymore.

I think that I myself might be the haunted house, with smoke pouring out of the windows and a foundation that is crumbling as we speak. I am haunted by the ghost of my mother’s sadness and her mother’s sadness and her mother’s sadness as well. A mother is a type of ghost that does not wish to be a ghost. If a ghost is meant to be invisible, my mother dedicated her life to fulfilling that prophecy— as if Weight Watchers or the expensive grocery store would reanimate her, as if enough Diet Coke could replace the formaldehyde sitting in her veins. Having a mother is a type of haunting, one that I will never escape. The ghost found me in the form of secret social media accounts and a diary full of calculations when I was twelve years old, in the form of sugar free energy drinks and a near death encounter with hypophosphatemia just a month before my eighteenth birthday. The ghost is in my body still, no matter how hard I try to kill it. It will always live in my kitchen, slamming empty cupboard doors and whispering promises into my ears. My mother will bring this ghost into every kitchen I ever try to relax in. My mother’s kitchen is haunted by her own mother, who’s mother passed this ghost on to her.

The only way to stop being haunted is to become a ghost yourself. I do not like that I may already be someone else’s haunting. In an ideal world, I am invisible— not like a ghost, but like air. I do not want to take up space for anyone. The only way I wouldn’t see blood on my hands would be if nobody were to think of me at all. I hate knowing that I am my brother’s ghost, that I haunt this house just as our parents do. Being alive is a type of haunting, I think. One can be haunted by themself. I think that maybe everyone is.

I will never understand the extent to which this house is haunted. There are ghosts that my parents will never tell me about, ghosts which still possess them in ways too dangerous to share with me. Whether I know their names or not, the ghosts hiding under creaky stairs and bleeding floorboards are family heirlooms I will inherit against my will, no matter how many attempts I make to bury them.

Maybe I do believe in haunted houses.

I’m scared that every house I live in will be haunted. Not haunted by my father, or my mother, or any of the mothers and fathers who came before them, but myself. I am the ghost at the back of my closet, and always will be. I scare myself in the mirror, I thump around in the hallways at hours that make my neighbours despise me. Haunting is what I learned to do best— after all, what better teachers than a pair of ghosts?

I used to think my house was haunted, back when I was a kid.

ghost stories , soleil louise . february 9, 2023

#this is gorgeous #like… wow #I’m in love with this concept

[daydreamsinlavender]

2023:

TIME IS NOT SLIPPING THROUGH YOUR FINGERS LIKE DESERT SAND

THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD IN JUST KNOWING THE SUN IS THERE

THE WOUND IS NOT THE SIZE OF YOUR LIFE

AN EXCESS OF PASSION IS NECESSARY FOR YOUR PRESENCE

YOU ARE NOT AN INDIVIDUAL

TIME TO FIND A NEW CREATURE TO BE

OPEN UP

THIS IS NOT YOUR GRAVE

GET UP COWARD

#the wound is not the size of your life #this is not your grave #I’m writing those on everything I own #words

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Di Petsa AW20

#gorgeous #people

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shapeshifting lessons with the gf

#art #I love this sm

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the year of knowing and being known but not being altogether comfortable about it just yet

#inspo #my heart is so full of this #fave

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Journal Pages - Summer 2022 - E.C.

#art #art inspo #inspo #art journal

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SEPT 20 / 22

See a full flip through of this CHONKER of a journal on my YouTube !!

#art journal #art #inspo

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bargaining ✸ ¾ of an introspective series

created a little series for class based on the stages of grief.

#art #!!!!

[daydreamsinlavender]

(he/him) • links

#ohhhh art ref #to draw #photography