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“Until you get comfortable with being alone, you’ll never know if you are choosing someone out of love or loneliness.”

— Mandy Hale

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told myself that I would take photos of the moon each day as it evolves into a full moon ♡︎ ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

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my problem is i am a girl who likes the idea of doing so many things but in reality only has the energy to daydream about doing those things rather than actually doing them

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Christmas full moon!! ヾ( ˃ᴗ˂ )◞ • *✰ 🌕 sauuurrrr luv

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"It did feel nice to be treated without the expectation of a sacrifice." 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

The barbecued chicken was handed to me for the first time.

I am the eldest in the family. As I was growing up, I was taught to always be the one to give up my piece so my little siblings could be twice as full. I didn't resent this. I viewed it as a labor of love, of a familial sacrifice. If I wanted a piece during dinner, I had to cook my own or take it from the serving plate with my own hands. I was never handed anything because I am supposed to be the one to lend or give something. This is a part I played without question.

Tonight, I went out to dinner with my best friend's family. She is a middle child and so perhaps she had not known what just transpired in my mind during dinner. They ordered barbecued chicken and after saying grace, I waited for everyone to get their own piece before I'm supposed to take mine. I didn't do it consciously. It was perhaps a reflex that came after years of practice.

When everybody already had their own piece and as I was supposed to reach for mine, my best friend's dad handed me the barbecued chicken and placed it on my plate. I was fazed. I looked at the chicken for a couple of seconds, blinked, and had to compose myself before I swell up. This is mine. This is my piece. I didn't have to fight for it, nor prove myself worthy of it. For the first time, I didn't feel like the oldest person in the room. For the first time, I felt like a child being taken care of, a child that is seen, treated as one, and does not have the title as the "eldest".

As I went home, I realized it opened a wound I learned to bandage over time. I am not saying that my family never had affectionate moments nor acts of services when it truly mattered, but it did feel nice to be treated without the expectation of a sacrifice.

The barbecued chicken was handed to me for the first time and just a little bit, a part of me healed.

#tiktok brought me here

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How do I forgive myself?

My main thing about this is it’s very hard to move through life if you can’t forgive yourself—not only in terms of your relationship w yourself, but also in terms of your relationship w others. Whether you realize it or not, the way you treat yourself very much bleeds into the way you treat others. If you can’t forgive yourself, can’t let things you did go, don’t allow yourself the grace of being human, you won’t be able to forgive others, let things they did go, or allow them the grace of being human. That can become a very miserable existence if not addressed.

I was at my angriest, saddest, most miserable etc etc when I was hard on myself. It made me get hurt at every little thing someone did. Literally every single thing. I could not extend them the grace of fallibility, because I could never extend that to myself. If I was slightly hurt, it was very easy for me to get defensive & forget that the person I’m talking to is prone to mistakes. Forgiving yourself really does mean exercising your ability to forgive others more. Without that skill you’re just constantly resentful—both towards yourself and towards others. It’s not like I never get hurt now, I def do, but it’s so much easier for me to let it pass through me and move on w my life.

Finally I just kind of learned that not forgiving yourself is a waste of time. Hating yourself isn’t productive, even if it feels like it is in the moment. In actuality it’s just the path of least resistance. It’s easier to hate yourself than to admit you made a mistake and commit to doing better. I do think there’s a place for holding yourself accountable, but that can coexist w being self-compassionate and moving forward. It can coexist w reminding yourself that you’re human and that mistakes are an unavoidable part of life. I can’t remember a single time I gained something from locking myself up in a fortress of self-loathing tbh. Or an instance where I saw it benefit someone else. It just expended their time & energy unnecessarily.

Frame self-forgiveness in a way that encapsulates all facets of your life: your relationship w others, your relationship w your time and energy, and your relationship w yourself. It will help you see the big picture & move on faster if you think of self-forgiveness as an absolute need in how you navigate your life, rather than a choice you can live without.

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Past Lives (Celine Song, 2023)

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work out & realizations. went out to the balcony after my work out just to watch the sun setting down.

i honestly love watching sunsets and while i was looking at it my favorite quote suddenly pops in my head which says:

be so confident in God’s plan that you don’t even get upset anymore when things don’t go your way

something about that quote just hit different today, and i knew it was my growth and how i see and understand life in a different perspective now.

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30.36% passing rate for CPALE?!? WOW!!! Accrued CPA's no more! Payment of your hard work has been received! Congratulations, and you've worked so hard! 🥹🩷

#CPALE #CPAs #prsnl

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I really hate to admit that I'm finding things more difficult lately, I feel so overwhelmed, and I'm struggling to keep up on everything that's going on with my life. It feels easier to just keep pretending that everything is okay because if I admit that I am struggling, it would make the feelings more real.

#prsnl

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everyday i wake up and plan on doing Things but then i just

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The moon is beautiful, isn’t it? 🖤

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Minsan narin ba kayong natulala bigla at naisip mong wala ka paring achievements. Nakaka depress lang kasi you're getting old with nothing. Yung pa ngiti ngiti lang kayo pero grabe na yung disappointment nyo sa sarili nyo. 😶

#prsnl #spilled thoughts