cutedumbwiseyoung

[cutedumbwiseyoung]

touch starved but non sexually. i just wanna rest my head on someone’s lap and have my hair played with and back rubbed for a while

#tw sex #it sucks feeling touch starved and forcing yourself to have sex because you feel inherently unworthy of nonsexual touch or comfort lol #haha oops #sad

[cutedumbwiseyoung]

In lipstick on the mirror are the lyrics to my obituary

#will wood

[cutedumbwiseyoung]

Ten years ago or so, I saw someone respond to a post telling their story, about how they never expected to live past 17 yet here they were listening to their husband read their toddler a bedtime story. I hope to live past 22 and find that same love in my future.

in the words of will wood, "am i pretty enough? am i pretty enough to fucking die?"

is it still appropriate to use tumblr for live journaling? the lack of fucks i give tells me yes

"Go ahead, put anything" they say. But should I, really? I am a "human" composed of self hatred and a fundamental lack of understanding of my own biology, in that yes, I am a human, but not being able to grasp that I also am included in the nearly-never-ending list of creatures of our shape who deserve such elaborate rights like "food," "water," and "having my needs met..." it seems so unrealistic to expect acceptance or even tolerance from others, how could I ever expect basic decency from myself?

It blows my mind how much apparent restraint others have towards me, or themselves, yet at the smallest thing, I'm quite literally abusing myself in as many ways as I can find; physically, verbally when physical isn't appropriate, mentally all day every day. I am my own worst enemy, in the words of the band 'Lit.' I wish better things on the assholes who coerced me, who actually went for it, who gaslit or abused me worse than I abuse myself. It's almost entertaining how that works out. Yeah, they ""r-worded"" me, but they still deserve better than death. I cannot find that same grace for myself... Isn't that Ironic (with a capital I)?

To my future self,

Do you at least fucking LIKE yourself? Are you at least not filled with immense, heartbreaking, all-consuming regret every day that you wake up alive? It seems like everyone else wakes up at least mostly hating me instead of themself. I don't want anyone to hate themself, but at this point in what feels like my ever-worthless existence, it definitely seems like anger at me is more of a unanimous, unconscious agreement. Half the time, I have no idea what I did wrong. That's fine with me, mostly, since I hate myself so much. Do you have deep hatred for yourself? Do you feel at least sort of wanted in this world? Are you okay? Are we okay? It'll be years before I have your answer and that is okay. I'll get it, and it'll either be little-self-hating-me in my 30's who hasn't grown a penny, or it'll be a glowing version of me who doesn't know how I ever got this low mentally

It is what it is. Who cares anyway, it's just me after all. What am I, anyway? My only true value comes from what I do for everyone else. And I can never do what is needed, expected, or wanted.

C'est la vie d'un déchet pathétique, y'know?

[cutedumbwiseyoung]

is it still appropriate to use tumblr for live journaling? the lack of fucks i give tells me yes

"Go ahead, put anything" they say. But should I, really? I am a "human" composed of self hatred and a fundamental lack of understanding of my own biology, in that yes, I am a human, but not being able to grasp that I also am included in the nearly-never-ending list of creatures of our shape who deserve such elaborate rights like "food," "water," and "having my needs met..." it seems so unrealistic to expect acceptance or even tolerance from others, how could I ever expect basic decency from myself?

It blows my mind how much apparent restraint others have towards me, or themselves, yet at the smallest thing, I'm quite literally abusing myself in as many ways as I can find; physically, verbally when physical isn't appropriate, mentally all day every day. I am my own worst enemy, in the words of the band 'Lit.' I wish better things on the assholes who coerced me, who actually went for it, who gaslit or abused me worse than I abuse myself. It's almost entertaining how that works out. Yeah, they ""r-worded"" me, but they still deserve better than death. I cannot find that same grace for myself... Isn't that Ironic (with a capital I)?

To my future self,

Do you at least fucking LIKE yourself? Are you at least not filled with immense, heartbreaking, all-consuming regret every day that you wake up alive? It seems like everyone else wakes up at least mostly hating me instead of themself. I don't want anyone to hate themself, but at this point in what feels like my ever-worthless existence, it definitely seems like anger at me is more of a unanimous, unconscious agreement. Half the time, I have no idea what I did wrong. That's fine with me, mostly, since I hate myself so much. Do you have deep hatred for yourself? Do you feel at least sort of wanted in this world? Are you okay? Are we okay? It'll be years before I have your answer and that is okay. I'll get it, and it'll either be little-self-hating-me in my 30's who hasn't grown a penny, or it'll be a glowing version of me who doesn't know how I ever got this low mentally

It is what it is. Who cares anyway, it's just me after all. What am I, anyway? My only true value comes from what I do for everyone else. And I can never do what is needed, expected, or wanted.

C'est la vie d'un déchet pathétique, y'know?

#sad #sadposting #tw depression #tw assault #tw rap3 #tw abuse #tw selfhate

[cutedumbwiseyoung]

i need to vent

i havent "been" on tumblr in years, but this used to be my safe space. and maybe now im just calling into the void, but god am i sad

i dont know. maybe i used to have a chance, maybe i never did. i just float through the ether of human existence and pray that it works out for me. do i pray to god? to the universe itself? to my loved ones who've passed? i dont know. i havent really sat down and prayed with any form of certain-ness in like a year. i feel guilty. i felt guilty even rebuilding my altar after moving houses, as if it selfish to think i even have a right to have these blessed items in my home since i dont pray regularly. god how i want to... but i dont want to bother anyone. i dont want to request that my existence be ignored for 20-30 minutes... i want to connect to god again, and i dont know how to anymore. maybe i never knew to begin with? im sad. im heartbroken. im young but my bones and joints are so old. my body hurts and my soul hurts and my mind hurts and i... i hurt. every part of me hurts, physical and metaphysical, mentally and subconsciously i am in immense pain always.

i got a promotion a couple weeks ago. i just finished training and the person im to take over for just finished their two week notice. i feel i will fail. i worry i will fail. im terrified. i deserve this promotion, i deserve the good it brings. or do i? i wonder so much. is the faith placed in me due to misjudgement, or am i actually worthy of some form of success? i cant think of anyone else who should have gotten this job but i also cannot believe i deserve it. i deserve to rot, to suffer, to be afraid always... or do i? is this just human existence? is it mental illness? will i ever know? i have no idea.

based on those around me, this isnt normal. but how truthful are they? im sure weve all begged for support and been completely missed in that request. right? its normal to say "im doing poorly" and to hear "make sure your partner is doing ok!"... what about me...? yes im worried for them, but everything i said was about how poorly i am doing, and how much i need support.

i guess its just funny, how much i struggle. i dont mind it being funny. i have always struggled, and i dont think ill bother stopping any time soon. it'd be beneficial to everyone else if i did though. but in the meantime, my friends can giggle at my cries for help because even seeing the words on the screen cannot portray my desperation.

i have been sad for 10 years this autumn. i've tried it all; therapy, meds, sexuality/gender exploration, self-affirming surgeries, moving locations, drugs, hobbies, career paths, friend group changes. at the end of the day i am, and always will be, pathetic.

and thats okay.

ill drink myself to death to be the life of the after party, and when the after party comes ill roll in my own grave

#sad #depression #tw #tw depression #lonely #sadposting #i feel empty #tw drugs